snowboarder1980

Hi all!! Still enjoying my new sobriety, and most times Im feeling real good… however at certain moments, usually for no more than a few minutes, I will kind of “depersonalize” and it scares me. Like for instance last night I was doing a bit of work outside and I started to question like “am I really here”, “am I really doing this”, “what if Im not really here??”….. are thoughts like this a normal part of the process?? Did anyone else experience this?? Never lasts more than a few minutes, maybe just seconds. Its almost like stepping outside of yourself, like you don’t believe you are really you for a moment. Id be lying if I didnt say it made me feel like an absolute looney tune every time it happens. Thank you so much for your input!

Contella09

I have experienced that before. It was due to citalopram tablets for depression that my doctor had me on for 3 months. It was a really weird experience exactly how you described. It has happened a couple of other times but not quite as strong as that.

snowboarder1980

Thanks for the response. Im seeing a psychiatrist as part of my sober journey but not currently on any medication except zyrtec and a multivitamin Ive taken for years. I am going to mention it tomorrow when we meet. Its just really strange… like I start questioning my existence in a way. For a few seconds I feel like I lose touch with reality. Its like a snow ball effect too… the more you think about it, the more you're gonna think about it. I had brain fog in the beginning, but its like this has taken its place, and tho the brain fog was annoying and dragged on, these episodes, while shorter, are scary. Thanks again!!!

Contella09

I hope you get down to the bottom of it. I know it is scary. I remember when it happened to me years ago. I called my doctor and told him about my experience but he said for me to continue with my meds. I have never told anyone else about it because, like you I thought I was losing it. A few days later I had nightmares. I woke up like in the movies, just sat straight up screaming. I was crying and had tears rolling down my face. For a minute I didn't know where I was but I felt terrified. I don't remember what I dreamt about. Similar happened the next night so I stopped the medicine. I always just put it down to those tablets. I am going to look into this because I am curious now.

Try your best not to think about it for now because I am sure when you do it causes you to feel anxious that it will happen again. Try and distract yourself.

snowboarder1980

Thanks so much again! You are actually right about the distraction from the thoughts. Ive been pinching myself when it happens and the little pain kind of brings me back and grounds me again…at least until it happens again. At least its not often. Maybe once a day right now. Bad thing is a couple times it’s happened while driving and that makes me even more nervous and I really freak out lol. Hopefully the psychiatrist will know what to do. Anyways, best wishes on your journey my friend! Have a wonderful day!

silentrun

Right around the nine month mark it was a full on episode of depersonalization or at least what I though depersonalization was because those online tests scored me low on it. I would pick something to focus on and it helped. In reality I was trying to adapt to an entirely different mindset and it was difficult.

I think recovery can feel like a total mind screw. Going sane feels exactly what one would think going insane feels like.

Jupiter11

Before I started drinking and before I had treatment for my PTSD I had episodes of depersonalisation from being a child until my late 20s. Sometimes I would feel like I wasn't real, sometimes as if the world wasn't real. Either way it used to freak me out. Especially the sensation of feeling like I was watching myself
If you were self medicating with the alcohol through some trauma, it could be it was supressing the need for this defence mechanism.
I don't know how long you have been stopped drinking. If it is very recently, it could just be your brain chemistry trying to balance itself, especially if you have never had it before.
Sometimes just stress can bring it on.
Hope it calms down for you

Patcha

Yep. I've had that all my life. I don't find it intrusive and I'm used to it now. It used to be very unsettling.

Anna

Snowboarder, I'm glad you're doing well. It's good that you have the support of a psychiatrist and hopefully he will be able to give you some reassurance about what's happening.

dustyfox

What you say also sounds a bit like disassociation, where you've kind of gone from the moment you are actually in, feeling like you are not really there, and then suddenly you're back. It feels in the split second where you are gone, all reality is very far away or not existing at all. Sometimes it feels to me as if I have time travelled and am looking at the future, this also lasts only a second or two. I have been told that this is a reaction to stress or being triggered by anxiety.. Hopefully your psychiatrist can shed some more expert light on it. Congratulations on your sobriety!

Steely

Yes, snowboarder. Depersonalisation, and derealisation. Attribute mine to PTSD, and withdrawal benzodiazapines, which work on same gaba receptors as alcohol. I developed Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). This sometimes occurs during withdrawal from alcohol as well.

I've had it for a long time now, but it is slowly improving. I think I got a bad dose of it so don't concern yourself too much. For most it is of short duration.

It will not harm you snowboarder, and you are not going nuts. Scary to begin though.

GABA receptors influence fight and flight response. Fear stuff. As you begin to feel less fearful the depersonalisation will reduce, abate, and eventually leave you in peace.

Just keep remaining sober snowboarder. It is so worth it, even during the scary times.

All will be well.

Steely

Thanks Surrendered.

snowboarder1980

I want to thank every one for their responses. I cant tell you how much I appreciate it!! So, I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that most likely those episodes were coming from my anxiety, which may or may not have anything to do with being sans alcohol for 28 days now (woohoo!)… so since its not debilitating, I believe we are just going to watch it for now, and revisit it next week when we meet again. Ive still not been put on any psych meds and I would just as soon not have to, if it can be helped. I withdrew from benzos (xanax) once a few years ago, and, oh my lord, I never want to do that again. Either way, didn't have an incident with this yesterday, so fingers crossed for today. Wishing you all a wonderful day !!

Steely

Great stuff snowboarder!