WindPines

Hello all, hope you’re well!
When you were drinking or using, did you ever experience the desire for something that just didn’t exist? A longing for something that you couldn’t even identify?
I did. I remember wanting to visit a different place nearly every day just because I thought that travel was the only thing that would help ease my sense of WANT.
I'm not sure if that even makes any sense, but I’ve just been thinking of it lately. Nearly nine months has went by since my last drink, and slowly but surely I’m beginning to wake up. One thing I’ve noticed is that I feel more comfortable. I’m not always itching to do something, go somewhere, or have something that I just cannot place my finger on.

least

I wanted something elusive too - I wanted to be happy. And after I'd been sober for a while, I found that I was happy for the first time in a long time.

Hevyn

WindPines - I know just what you mean. I never did figure out exactly what "it" was. It would seem there must have been something lacking in my life - but there really wasn't. I'm much more calm & serene after many sober years. I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable too.

Anna

Yes, WindPines, I used to want to travel somewhere, anywhere really, just to not be where I was. That was long before I began drinking, but the dissatisfaction of where I was made me wish for something else.

fini

WindPines, i think i used drinking in an attempt to still that desire/want.
which means, to me, that the desire and the “it” it is for is real. the longing itself is an indicator of what i’m longing for. something like that.
but yes, itchiness, restlessness, dissatisfactions...all much more comfortable and content.
way to go on your ongoing sobriety.

advbike

Gabor Maté wrote about the emotional "void" present in most addicts in his great book 'In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts'. I could totally relate, having spent my life searching for so many things and experiences, and having much, yet never being satisfied. It is a constant yearning in some of us, and not entirely bad. I am contented now with my material possessions but still yearn for adventure and to see new places.

DriGuy

I can't remember ever wanting something, but not knowing what. I've wanted a lot of things that were out of reach or just unnecessary, but there always seemed to be an identifiable need. Somehow, I do understand that this is possible, but I'm not sure it's just an alcoholic thing.

Right now, the biggest focus in my life is being content, which I think means the opposite of wanting for the sake of wanting. It probably involves other things too. In retrospect, I know that in the past so much of my life, drinking or not drinking, always seemed like so much of a struggle. Sometimes the struggle paid off. Sometimes it was struggling for the sake of struggling.

I like contentment better. Not that I live a life of continuing contented bliss. Sometimes it's not there, but there is much more there than before, and I always take time to be grateful for it. I don't think I could have this as a drunk, partly because I hated being a drunk. I wanted something better, specifically not to be a drunk. The unidentifiable part of that was not knowing what that meant I had to do. So yeah, I guess you are right; Sometimes we do want something, but don't know what it is. This is just normal ignorance, but we can learn more and be less ignorant, sometimes.

Introvrtd1

I guess I was looking for ‘more’ satisfaction from the alcohol I was drinking. Sadly all I got was ‘less’ satisfaction from it.

fishkiller

Oh yeah!
Still working on it

MLD51

Yes, I can identify with this. I think what was always "missing" for me was feeling comfortable in my own skin. My desire for "something" was most likely rooted in my lack of self-esteem. It's hard to explain, but I think I wanted to escape from myself. I saw myself as a flawed and bad person a lot of the time. That would manifest in wanting a different mate, job, house, location, etc. Never feeling like my life was satisfying or "enough." And alcohol temporarily stilled that feeling and filled that void. While some of my physical circumstances have changed over the years, what has really changed is my sense of myself. I don't need to run away from myself anymore. I have accepted myself. And I've also discovered a kind of spirituality that works for me, and that takes the pressure off my "self" in some really fundamental ways.

Not sure this makes any sense. It's hard to put into words. I need to read "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts." For whatever reason, just the title really resonates with me, so it must be a sign that it has something I need.

nez

It makes perfect sense to me and you did a good job of putting it into words as far as I can tell.

I always wanted to be anyone but me. Anywhere but where I was. And doing anything other than what I was doing. I didn't think I was a bad person, but I wasn't a person I looked up to, admired, or wanted to be. I wasn't... cool...why would anyone want to be me? I wasn't enough!!!

Recovery has made me comfortable in my own skin. Today I am enough. I am just me. And that is enough. I don't want to be anyone else, anywhere else, or doing anything else.

In recovery, I have spent time in a tiny little fishing town on the Pacific coast of Nicaragua. I have been skiing at 10,000 ft in the high Sierras. I have been bombing my motorcycle on the rural roads of the foothills where I live. I have walked on a secluded and deserted beach on Anegada in the BVI, while holding hands with my wife on our anniversary.

All of those things don't make me happy. I am definitely happy while doing them. But, I also am happy just sitting here in my rocker sipping coffee. I, and life, are enough... just the way things are... because of recovery.

MLD51

Yes, Nez, that is how I feel, too. I love my adventures when I have them, but I am also quite content at home alone (with my kitties and my doggie) sitting in my rocker. I rarely have that antsy feeling that I need to be elsewhere, doing something different. I call it acceptance of things as they are. That does not mean that I'll never need or want to change anything about my life, just that I can make those decisions for the right reasons, not because I'm chasing something that always only existed within myself.

fishkiller

MLD what you said awesome perfect sense to me. Basically described me for most of my life.

Since getting sober and really working on things I see a shift in my thinking. I still get antsy at times but I'm a newbie. I will get there.

So will you WindPines.

brighterday1234

The “hole in the soul” is often talked about in AA meetings 🙏