Staying close as I reach 5 months........
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Staying close as I reach 5 months........
I write this as I reach a small milestone and maybe a moment where I NEED to remain strong and as reminder to myself to keep on with my journey and to remember where I came from and what I escaped. I need to remember the bad old life now and again to keep focused....
It was Two bottles of wine a night by the end – didn’t seem too excessive. did it? In fact, it was an improvement on previous decades – I didn’t feel drunk – I could get up in the morning and ether go to work or look after the children – Didn’t look too bad once I had drunk 3 glasses of water applied makeup and eye drops - and if I looked too bleary I would say I had a cold or hay fever or allergies or maybe I just hadn’t slept well. Did I look that bad? No, I didn’t think so and as long as I didn’t look too bad then it was ok.
Sometimes when I didn’t meet up with a friend for coffee the ‘next day’ it was often because I felt too ashamed to look at someone in the eye - They would know, they would know and see my shameful secret, that underneath the surface was someone whose life was ruled by alcohol - and so sometimes I just cancelled meet ups, avoided eye contact - if I had had a particularly heavy night.
Often, nearly every night I woke at 4am promising myself I would stop, stop, stop, I never did because I sort of felt ok by 10 am and even better by 7pm - so was ready to go again.
My kids don’t know I drink, I would say to myself, they are none the wiser, or are they, do they smell the wine on my breath if I have to comfort them after a nightmare.
My husband used to drink a lot too and he looked at me astounded that I could outdrink him even though I am half his body weight. He used to think it was funny by the end he was just worried.
Anxiety was swallowed down with the ibuprofen every morning, which took care of the hangover, but it kept haunting me and the only way I could get it to stop was to drink some more and then for a few brief hours its gone – It’s back though by 4am, pounding in my chest, holding in a scream of fear.
I would get invited to nights out with friends or birthdays, or meals out, and I didn’t go because I knew I would not be able to drink as much as I want/need too because they are all normal drinkers, I’d rather stay at home and drink without them.
If I knew I had a doctors appointment coming up I would stop drinking for a few days so I could go and truthfully say I only mostly only drink at weekends.
I obsessively googled health concerns around Liver damage and tried to ‘offset’ my drinking through diet and exercise and hydration.
My husband would buy a bottle of wine for an evening in – I would secretly go and buy two or three more.
My life revolved around when I could have a drink and how much I could have and assessing how much effort I would need to put int the next day to appear ‘normal’
It was exhausting –
After 5 months of sobriety ALL those worries ALL that crazy behaviour has gone, utterly vanished.
The journey is still long and winding but wow the difference in me and my life is nothing short of fantastic. I never believed sobriety could be exciting or inspiring or creative or fun – I thought it would be dull. I was SO wrong.
How easy it was in the end – the bit where you stop – I did not explode, the world did not collapse, just the 4am anxiety evaporated, and the crippling cloak of shame just dropped away.
Hang in their friends and fellow travellers and use this wonderful resource to strengthen resolve and courage.
It was Two bottles of wine a night by the end – didn’t seem too excessive. did it? In fact, it was an improvement on previous decades – I didn’t feel drunk – I could get up in the morning and ether go to work or look after the children – Didn’t look too bad once I had drunk 3 glasses of water applied makeup and eye drops - and if I looked too bleary I would say I had a cold or hay fever or allergies or maybe I just hadn’t slept well. Did I look that bad? No, I didn’t think so and as long as I didn’t look too bad then it was ok.
Sometimes when I didn’t meet up with a friend for coffee the ‘next day’ it was often because I felt too ashamed to look at someone in the eye - They would know, they would know and see my shameful secret, that underneath the surface was someone whose life was ruled by alcohol - and so sometimes I just cancelled meet ups, avoided eye contact - if I had had a particularly heavy night.
Often, nearly every night I woke at 4am promising myself I would stop, stop, stop, I never did because I sort of felt ok by 10 am and even better by 7pm - so was ready to go again.
My kids don’t know I drink, I would say to myself, they are none the wiser, or are they, do they smell the wine on my breath if I have to comfort them after a nightmare.
My husband used to drink a lot too and he looked at me astounded that I could outdrink him even though I am half his body weight. He used to think it was funny by the end he was just worried.
Anxiety was swallowed down with the ibuprofen every morning, which took care of the hangover, but it kept haunting me and the only way I could get it to stop was to drink some more and then for a few brief hours its gone – It’s back though by 4am, pounding in my chest, holding in a scream of fear.
I would get invited to nights out with friends or birthdays, or meals out, and I didn’t go because I knew I would not be able to drink as much as I want/need too because they are all normal drinkers, I’d rather stay at home and drink without them.
If I knew I had a doctors appointment coming up I would stop drinking for a few days so I could go and truthfully say I only mostly only drink at weekends.
I obsessively googled health concerns around Liver damage and tried to ‘offset’ my drinking through diet and exercise and hydration.
My husband would buy a bottle of wine for an evening in – I would secretly go and buy two or three more.
My life revolved around when I could have a drink and how much I could have and assessing how much effort I would need to put int the next day to appear ‘normal’
It was exhausting –
After 5 months of sobriety ALL those worries ALL that crazy behaviour has gone, utterly vanished.
The journey is still long and winding but wow the difference in me and my life is nothing short of fantastic. I never believed sobriety could be exciting or inspiring or creative or fun – I thought it would be dull. I was SO wrong.
How easy it was in the end – the bit where you stop – I did not explode, the world did not collapse, just the 4am anxiety evaporated, and the crippling cloak of shame just dropped away.
Hang in their friends and fellow travellers and use this wonderful resource to strengthen resolve and courage.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,469
dustyfox- Congrats on your soon 5 months, and thanks for this post- so much of it resonated with me. I don't miss drinking either and am actually surprised at how much I want to go DO things instead of stay home alone and be with my drinking self. It's "nothing short of fantastic."
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
I used to worry I’d be one of those…sober people who talked about it or thought about it too much, and I was hell bent on not being that person. I am that person. I was worried how much headspace sobriety would occupy and what your post has shown is how much headspace active drinking consumes. I used to be the same way. I did the not go out with friends to drink. Bought additional bottles my husband …despite him being a drinker..had to make sure I had ample stash. The promises Id make every morning to myself to stop, exhausted and tired at work trying to put on my game face…I was just tired that day? Broken promises by night. Horribly all consuming.
My anxiety also lifted and I think about sobriety a lot and I model my life and choices to include maintaining sobriety, but it soooo much less all consuming that my active drinking ever was. Thanks for your post and congratulations on your almost 5 months. Keep going because it continues to get better.
My anxiety also lifted and I think about sobriety a lot and I model my life and choices to include maintaining sobriety, but it soooo much less all consuming that my active drinking ever was. Thanks for your post and congratulations on your almost 5 months. Keep going because it continues to get better.
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Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Great post, Dusty. My heart was sinking as I read through and ticked off the things I’d done. So many times I had a week or two off drinking in preparation for a doctor appointment. I told the doc I used to drink, but I’d then continue that very evening. I too had the hangovers that magically vanish at 7pm aka wine o’clock. Finally the planning of activities to coincide with alcohol availability … life is way easier without that last burden. Going forward, is it an issue that your husband drinks, albeit moderately? I’d find that challenging even now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: NC
Posts: 1,666
Congratulations on 5 months Dustyfox. Very well written post. I can relate to a lot of it. I was always planning my evening to make sure I had ample wine. Packing for vacation the back of the car was always loaded with a case of wine if we were going for more than a couple days. I would alternate wine stores so Clerks would not know how much I drank. It is so much cheaper and easier now to travel and go out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Dusty- Congrats on your sober time! It is quite the accomplishment. Getting and remaining sober is A LOT of hard hard work. You are a champion! I am very very happy for you.
I can identify with what you wrote about physical appearances. I would look into the mirror in the mornings and see how awful my eyes looked and the dark circles that were appearing......Try to cover those up with concealer and hope the red eyes would go away. Worried I smelled like a wine barrel. Not sure if my hangover would subside..... . Gosh....It was really hard. All of that mess for a few hours of getting high.
There came a point, at the end, where I just could not hide what alcohol was doing to my life anymore.
Keep on moving forward with positivity and hope and determination. YOU GOT THIS!
I can identify with what you wrote about physical appearances. I would look into the mirror in the mornings and see how awful my eyes looked and the dark circles that were appearing......Try to cover those up with concealer and hope the red eyes would go away. Worried I smelled like a wine barrel. Not sure if my hangover would subside..... . Gosh....It was really hard. All of that mess for a few hours of getting high.
There came a point, at the end, where I just could not hide what alcohol was doing to my life anymore.
Keep on moving forward with positivity and hope and determination. YOU GOT THIS!
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 177
Thanks for your post. Even though we still have problems we shed so many needless ones just by quitting drinking.
I usually started drinking at 4 or 5 pm, when I got off of work, and I remember the absolute, unbridled anticipation of that time of the day, every day, to get that first drink in me to calm my anxiety and put the final quash on my receding hangover.
I usually started drinking at 4 or 5 pm, when I got off of work, and I remember the absolute, unbridled anticipation of that time of the day, every day, to get that first drink in me to calm my anxiety and put the final quash on my receding hangover.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Yes so many 'needless problems' have vanished in a puff of smoke the very instant I quit drinking. Life is not perfect or problem free but it is so , oh so very much better. Yes Hodd, Mr DF, my husband , does still have a couple of beers at the weekend or when we go out. He seems to be able to moderate without my bad influence - he does not drink wine anymore or spirits. - I think I am ok with it.
Secondhandrose - you are right it is a MIGHTY milestone, I like the word mighty!. The milestone each of us make, be it a day, a week a month, a year or a decade , they are all mighty and worth holding close , they offer protection because with them we know we can do it. we can/have achieved sobriety.
Secondhandrose - you are right it is a MIGHTY milestone, I like the word mighty!. The milestone each of us make, be it a day, a week a month, a year or a decade , they are all mighty and worth holding close , they offer protection because with them we know we can do it. we can/have achieved sobriety.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,242
Great post dustyfox and huge congratulations on 5 months. It's great to remind ourselves just how many things - normal things that non-problem drinkers take for granted like being hangover free or able to drive somewhere immediately if necessary or answer an Email coherently.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Thanks for your beautiful post, Dusty.. so well written as always. I am very happy for you - reaching five months and changing your life and relationships. You have a lot of grace, and self awareness, and are right to keep your sobriety at the forefront.
Keep up the great effort and self examination - you help me and many others.
Keep up the great effort and self examination - you help me and many others.
great post! 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Mo
Posts: 39
Congratulations on your 5 months!! I needed to read this today, I relate to all of it. It has been 2 days since I drank and that is an accomplishment for me. Tonight will be a challenge, but I’m ready to take it on.
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