Hello !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 2
Hello !
Hi, i don't know if it's this the right place to put this post.
But i just want some insight because sometimes i blame myself for my relationship with someone that i think it was an alcoholic failed...
I dated this person for more or less 7 months, when he was sober he was a great man, intelligent, sensitive, profound and very charming, in the months we were together he had a couple of episodes.
He drank a lot and had great tolerance, i thought it was cultural since he is from Uk, so at first i just thought it was some custom for him not big deal. One night he drank like one bottle of wine, gin tonics, beer, whisky and became really drunk, this was the first time i saw him like this. He was trapped in a loop when he attempted talking and then he changed like his whole personality, since i was not drinking at his pace he told me that i was boring and a lot of stuff... neighbours would complain about the noises he make. I witness one discussion with a neighbour that almost ended in a fight, i had to intervine so things calm down. After this episode everything went back to normal, i thought ok maybe he is that type of person that gets drunk and kinda lost it a little.
A month pass by, he was an expat like me, so he didn't have many friends, he had one friend that i think she was an alcoholic too because basically their friendship consisted in getting wasted. Well the night that we were introduced to each other i came to the apartment to find him completely drunk, they were doing margaritas... something must happened that the girl was just leaving when i entered the door. He got upset and angry at the situation, i know he had sth with this girl in the past and i think she was kinda in love with him so for her i guess it wasn't pleasent to meet me , the gf. She left, and he became doing bizarre stuff like peeing at the kitchen and punching walls, i got the **** out of there, i call the friend for help because i was scared that he was going to hurt himself. He ended up falling from the stairs, and then passing out at the couch. After this episode, he realized he could have injured himself and told me that he had to seek help because it was clearly not normal that he struggled to know how and when to stop drinking.
He didn't seek help but stop the drinking for like a week. After that week he continued to drink but he told me i'm drinking only beer or wine. We continued the relationship and it was most likely normal. But he always used to drank a lot, also everytime he got kinda drunk he wanted cocaine (he was a musician and toured a lot so he had tried every drug that basically existed). I was always trying to convince him not to do it and stop him from buying but this friend of his would even facilitate numbers from drug dealers to him. I don't know if he took drugs in my absence, he always told me that he didn't. A couple of months pass by, but the last month of our relationship was ******* hell, it was draining myself. He had personal problems that wouldn't talk with anyone, had anxiety, didn't seek for help and always end up drinking a lot. At these times i just was waiting for him to pass out so i didn't have to put up with his behaviour, but i felt guilty of leaving, i stayed because when he was sober he was great. Then i discovered i was codependant.
Finally the last weekend of our relationship he was upset about everything super irritated , mad with everyone and everything and started drinking at the morning, i left, i reunite with the friend to seek help to see what we could do. When i was with her he called super wasted insulting her, we went to his apartment to find out that he had trashed all of his apartment, smashed furniture, destroyed glasses and bottles, the house was a mess, and he was also a mess. We were frightened for his sake, so we tried to get him to sober up, give him food, cleaned the mess and hide the bottles. He became super upset and mad because he discovered we have lied to him and hide the booze. The night ended with the guy throwing a table off the balcony. He was denounced by police and neighbours, got 30 days to leave his apartment. At the other day of course he didn't remember anything about the episode. When i told him everything he was ashamed and told me that he was sorry. He told me that he wasn't drinking anymore and he was going to start therapy, two days goes by, ANOTHER EPĚSODE. At the next day i go to his house and he broke up with me, i felt so like **** i know he made me a favour but i feel so worthless and lame that he left me after everything i did for him.
At the end my anger took place and i told him to seek help because he clearly had a problem, he told me that he didn't that i was exaggerating and how did i dare to treat him as an alcoholic? that how could i told him that i was afraid of him in this state or that he could hurt me? He denied everything and treat me like if i was crazy. It has been now almost 3 months but i still feel bad, sometimes i even doubt myself if i exagerated and he was just in a bad phase... it's been one month of no contact i don't know anything about him, sometimes i want to reach out to see if he finally seek for help. i feel so neglected that in one month he didn't even ask me how i am.
Is so hard to let go, i know i was codependant and still am, i'm sorry if my post is too long but i guess someone here can relate, this forums are really helpful so i don't feel alone.
But i just want some insight because sometimes i blame myself for my relationship with someone that i think it was an alcoholic failed...
I dated this person for more or less 7 months, when he was sober he was a great man, intelligent, sensitive, profound and very charming, in the months we were together he had a couple of episodes.
He drank a lot and had great tolerance, i thought it was cultural since he is from Uk, so at first i just thought it was some custom for him not big deal. One night he drank like one bottle of wine, gin tonics, beer, whisky and became really drunk, this was the first time i saw him like this. He was trapped in a loop when he attempted talking and then he changed like his whole personality, since i was not drinking at his pace he told me that i was boring and a lot of stuff... neighbours would complain about the noises he make. I witness one discussion with a neighbour that almost ended in a fight, i had to intervine so things calm down. After this episode everything went back to normal, i thought ok maybe he is that type of person that gets drunk and kinda lost it a little.
A month pass by, he was an expat like me, so he didn't have many friends, he had one friend that i think she was an alcoholic too because basically their friendship consisted in getting wasted. Well the night that we were introduced to each other i came to the apartment to find him completely drunk, they were doing margaritas... something must happened that the girl was just leaving when i entered the door. He got upset and angry at the situation, i know he had sth with this girl in the past and i think she was kinda in love with him so for her i guess it wasn't pleasent to meet me , the gf. She left, and he became doing bizarre stuff like peeing at the kitchen and punching walls, i got the **** out of there, i call the friend for help because i was scared that he was going to hurt himself. He ended up falling from the stairs, and then passing out at the couch. After this episode, he realized he could have injured himself and told me that he had to seek help because it was clearly not normal that he struggled to know how and when to stop drinking.
He didn't seek help but stop the drinking for like a week. After that week he continued to drink but he told me i'm drinking only beer or wine. We continued the relationship and it was most likely normal. But he always used to drank a lot, also everytime he got kinda drunk he wanted cocaine (he was a musician and toured a lot so he had tried every drug that basically existed). I was always trying to convince him not to do it and stop him from buying but this friend of his would even facilitate numbers from drug dealers to him. I don't know if he took drugs in my absence, he always told me that he didn't. A couple of months pass by, but the last month of our relationship was ******* hell, it was draining myself. He had personal problems that wouldn't talk with anyone, had anxiety, didn't seek for help and always end up drinking a lot. At these times i just was waiting for him to pass out so i didn't have to put up with his behaviour, but i felt guilty of leaving, i stayed because when he was sober he was great. Then i discovered i was codependant.
Finally the last weekend of our relationship he was upset about everything super irritated , mad with everyone and everything and started drinking at the morning, i left, i reunite with the friend to seek help to see what we could do. When i was with her he called super wasted insulting her, we went to his apartment to find out that he had trashed all of his apartment, smashed furniture, destroyed glasses and bottles, the house was a mess, and he was also a mess. We were frightened for his sake, so we tried to get him to sober up, give him food, cleaned the mess and hide the bottles. He became super upset and mad because he discovered we have lied to him and hide the booze. The night ended with the guy throwing a table off the balcony. He was denounced by police and neighbours, got 30 days to leave his apartment. At the other day of course he didn't remember anything about the episode. When i told him everything he was ashamed and told me that he was sorry. He told me that he wasn't drinking anymore and he was going to start therapy, two days goes by, ANOTHER EPĚSODE. At the next day i go to his house and he broke up with me, i felt so like **** i know he made me a favour but i feel so worthless and lame that he left me after everything i did for him.
At the end my anger took place and i told him to seek help because he clearly had a problem, he told me that he didn't that i was exaggerating and how did i dare to treat him as an alcoholic? that how could i told him that i was afraid of him in this state or that he could hurt me? He denied everything and treat me like if i was crazy. It has been now almost 3 months but i still feel bad, sometimes i even doubt myself if i exagerated and he was just in a bad phase... it's been one month of no contact i don't know anything about him, sometimes i want to reach out to see if he finally seek for help. i feel so neglected that in one month he didn't even ask me how i am.
Is so hard to let go, i know i was codependant and still am, i'm sorry if my post is too long but i guess someone here can relate, this forums are really helpful so i don't feel alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome 
I think you were wise to get out and to realise the level of codependency.
it sounds to me like this guy was drinking before he met you, did a long list of awful things while drinking when you were with him, and he’s drinking after you left his life - you were not the cause of his drinking.
I think you had a lucky escape and I hope you decide to move on. You deserve better
D
I think you were wise to get out and to realise the level of codependency.
it sounds to me like this guy was drinking before he met you, did a long list of awful things while drinking when you were with him, and he’s drinking after you left his life - you were not the cause of his drinking.
I think you had a lucky escape and I hope you decide to move on. You deserve better
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2021
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Scd619x 
He sounds absolutely bat s*** crazy! I hope you start working on your co-dependency issues as they are manageable and you really don't want to keep putting yourself in those situations.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Run away. Super fast. Block this guy. There is nothing there to see any longer. You cant save him. Save yourself from any more torment by seeking out some help for what you said was codependency. What matters is you and your health.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by mln1990
yeah worst thing is he blamed shifted everything and told me i was the crazy one, since i treated him like he had some problem
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