When will this stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 81
When will this stop
Hi. Anyone looking at my history here will see I have been struggling for a long time. I haven't looked back over my posts as it is a litany of pain and struggling. Maybe I mentioned my Mum, and all I was going through. Well I am coming up on one year after the death of Mum dying in a horrific way. I recently had three months sober....and then drank. Now I am 11 days into a relapse. I really thought I would never drink again. My sobriety was so precious to me. Then one day, sitting on my balcony I suddenly had the thought I needed to disappear for the afternoon. During my short period of sobriety I was so grateful, so thrilled to be free. I was scared to go to AA as I was terrified of something triggering me and going back to the hell that daily drinking was. About two weeks before I relapsed I must have been feeling vulnerable (can't remember now), as I went back to an AA meeting. A person shared about how much they loved those first two hours of drinking and the complete release it gave them. Now I am not in any way blaming that for my relapse. I am an alcoholic, through and through and my mind goes to anything that will make me think alcohol is a good idea. However that is not the way that I think about alcohol. To me it is a monster, a nightmare, and the loss of everything I ever wanted. I am here now. Spiraling down. So so sad, but driven again every single morning to go and buy more. I want to be free, so desperately, but terrified that I can never experience a so called normal life without being derailed over and over again. I read here just about every day, but feel such a failure that I don't write anything. I want to connect again with people that understand the suffering, the complete loss of sense of any power in their lives, and have managed to achieve long term sobriety and happiness. Thanks for listening. Again, I am embarrassed how long I have been on this site but have always appreciated hearing the success stories. I so want to believe I can have that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Glad you posted sunshinel, we are here for you. I am so sorry for your loss. You absolutely can get your sobriety back, as many of us here have done. It 's not unusual for us to slip up at first - the AV (addictive voice) is very sneaky and uses our fear and ego to trip us up.
Please put the bottle down and keep posting, and you may also want to join the July class for a smaller support group. It really helped me.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Please put the bottle down and keep posting, and you may also want to join the July class for a smaller support group. It really helped me.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Good to see you back 
I'm glad you posted SunshineI - letting people know you're struggling is the first step to getting the support you need and finding a solution
I'm sorry for your loss.
I relate to your idea of wanting to disappear for the afternoon - I did that a lot - but of course the problems that plague us are still there even after we sober up.
The real problem with drinking for me though was once I started I could lose weeks or months..even years.
It stops when we decide it stops and start making different choices.
Make today your turning point.
D
I'm glad you posted SunshineI - letting people know you're struggling is the first step to getting the support you need and finding a solution
I'm sorry for your loss.
I relate to your idea of wanting to disappear for the afternoon - I did that a lot - but of course the problems that plague us are still there even after we sober up.
The real problem with drinking for me though was once I started I could lose weeks or months..even years.
It stops when we decide it stops and start making different choices.
Make today your turning point.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Happy to see you, Sunshinel.
Never be embarrassed with us - we all know exactly what you're going through. I drank 30 yrs. with many ups & downs. I finally became so disgusted with myself, so exhausted from trying to be a social drinker - that I laid it down for good. Being here every day keeps me enlightened & vigilant. I hope you'll stay and keep posting. You can't say the wrong thing - and no one's judging. We're your friends, and we know you can get free.
Never be embarrassed with us - we all know exactly what you're going through. I drank 30 yrs. with many ups & downs. I finally became so disgusted with myself, so exhausted from trying to be a social drinker - that I laid it down for good. Being here every day keeps me enlightened & vigilant. I hope you'll stay and keep posting. You can't say the wrong thing - and no one's judging. We're your friends, and we know you can get free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Sure, the “first two hours” of drinking after a long period of sobriety can be “nice.” Alcohol releases endorphins at first, a gentle high. If you’re like me, after a few hours I want a few more. Maybe I’ll even stop, convince myself it’s okay, I did it! Then the hangover, the anxiety, planning to drink later, drinking off the anxiety and hangover... and before I know it I’m back to daily drinking.
Play back the tape.
It’s not worth it, friend. I’ve found externalizing my addiction (AV) has helped so much. It’s like I can observe the addiction trying to keep itself alive... rationalizing, planning, trying to push me back. The voice gets quieter over time. You can do this.
Play back the tape.
It’s not worth it, friend. I’ve found externalizing my addiction (AV) has helped so much. It’s like I can observe the addiction trying to keep itself alive... rationalizing, planning, trying to push me back. The voice gets quieter over time. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
The first two hours of drinking was so pleasant? What was that woman talking about? At best, and that's a very rare at best, any pleasantness for me was momentary, often times even without that alcohol buzz, and if I had a buzz at all, it was momentary. After that I was just reinforcing my addiction for the rest of the night.
But my point is that, our sickness is different for everyone. I wouldn't put any stock in how someone else experiences their addiction. I know it was Hell for me.
But my point is that, our sickness is different for everyone. I wouldn't put any stock in how someone else experiences their addiction. I know it was Hell for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Don't be embarrassed about how long you have been trying to stop or been on this site. The most important thing is that you have not given up trying to give up. You are still trying and still fighting the addiction. Well done and take strength from that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
I thought like you do for a long time and had triggers in the same way. I couldn't hold onto this idea that somehow alcohol was evil, as it is an inert liquid and has no personality, feelings, morals etc. I was sober for some years and ended up drinking again so went back into recovery and took a good look at myself and what alcohol does for me. I figured out that alcohol must being me something pretty amazing for me to risk all aspects of my life in the effort to keep on drinking in some way, either that is true or i am as insane as the person who is convinced they are an alien living on an alien planet, and in this case i need psychiatric care inpatient asap! I figured out i wasn't insane so i must perceive alcohol as a solution or a medicine for something.
How do i feel without alcohol? I love the waking up fresh, more energy, fresh skin, less bloated, not so flush, thinking more clearly etc. So many plusses to sobriety BUT there is one big minus that leads me back to drinking and that is how i feel about myself. I had to figure out that my negative self talk was my only internal dialogue, it is like someone picking on you all day everyday and me expecting to stay sober for decades with that going on, eventually i drank. So i had to begin the journey of looking at how i felt normally, as that was what sent me back to drinking. Not a journey i wanted to take but i had to do so. I had to work out how to change my normal to be able to handle being sober long term. I've had A LOT of help as, although i did try honestly, i could not doo it solely for myself without some guidance and help.
I never knew any of that for about best part of 3 decades, or maybe i knew it but didn't want to accept it, who knows?
How do i feel without alcohol? I love the waking up fresh, more energy, fresh skin, less bloated, not so flush, thinking more clearly etc. So many plusses to sobriety BUT there is one big minus that leads me back to drinking and that is how i feel about myself. I had to figure out that my negative self talk was my only internal dialogue, it is like someone picking on you all day everyday and me expecting to stay sober for decades with that going on, eventually i drank. So i had to begin the journey of looking at how i felt normally, as that was what sent me back to drinking. Not a journey i wanted to take but i had to do so. I had to work out how to change my normal to be able to handle being sober long term. I've had A LOT of help as, although i did try honestly, i could not doo it solely for myself without some guidance and help.
I never knew any of that for about best part of 3 decades, or maybe i knew it but didn't want to accept it, who knows?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
I had to avoid certain AA meetings because I found them triggering. I went to Steps meetings and Big Book study meetings for the most part. Less talk about drinking and more focus on the solution. I don't care to hear about people talking about what and how they used to drink. I found it triggering, too.
I've been on this forum since 2007. I can't remember my old logins. Just keep on keeping on. I'm in awe of people who have maintained their sobriety since I joined, and those who keep coming back and trying. Including you!
I've been on this forum since 2007. I can't remember my old logins. Just keep on keeping on. I'm in awe of people who have maintained their sobriety since I joined, and those who keep coming back and trying. Including you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
the pursue it with everything you got thing makes the most sense to me. You/we are not helpless. You can stop drinking anytime you want to. If you just half step it and just kind of want to quit but dont want to put in the effort it aint going to happen. You did it before, you know you can do it again. Its just a matter of when is it going to be day one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Welcome, you’re in a good place.
When will it stop? No one knows. How will it stop? You will grow so tired and so desperate that you will be willing to abandon your old life and the way you look at and do things and adopt a new life based on principles that others have found success with.
The bad news? It will be the hardest thing you ever did. This is true for either route you choose; recovery or continuing drinking. The good news? It will be worth it.
Get your butt up, dust it off. Shake off this bender. Walk back into AA with your tail between your legs. Admit you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and that you need help.
But for a small fraction of true alcoholics, this is not a job to be attempted alone. Too difficult, too dangerous. Our best thinking gets us drunk. We need new ways to think. At its core, we need a complete reprogramming. I learned all wrong about how to live life. I’m learning for the first time in my mid forties what it means to live with a purpose. To face things. And honestly I still pretty much suck at it. Relapses still happen, though they are fewer and farther between and don’t last long. I’m getting the hang of it. But it’s a real bear.
Truth? Lots of days I hate it. It’s not “all good”. Felling feelings is often awful and I recommend learning how to do it as a child or young adult. Not at my age. But I simply could not go on any longer hurting others and hurting myself.
My recovery includes; AA, SR, Medication, Exercise, God, Desperation, staying busy.
Yours might look the same, or maybe not. But whatever you did that got you drunk, that ain’t it. And the truth is you probably aren’t even qualified to figure out how or why you got drunk. If you’re anything like me, drunk is your natural state. The state you tend to return to given enough time. I need help to modify my natural state. I couldn’t figure it out no matter how hard and for how long I tried.
You’re no better or worse than the drunk under the bridge or the saint with 30 years clean. You’re just you. And you owe it to yourself to raise the white flag and stop fighting the fight that can’t be won. Join us on this road. Talk about what you’re feeling. Be honest about your recovery.
But DO NOT beat yourself up. Does absolutely zero good. We’re already hard on ourselves. You’re not bad. You’re a drunk. It can be fixed. In time. You can prevail. And there’s a blessing in your misery….the more miserable we become the more inclined we are to change. So I hope you’re having a super crappy day, lol. You wouldn’t put it down if it was all good, now would ya?
When will it stop? No one knows. How will it stop? You will grow so tired and so desperate that you will be willing to abandon your old life and the way you look at and do things and adopt a new life based on principles that others have found success with.
The bad news? It will be the hardest thing you ever did. This is true for either route you choose; recovery or continuing drinking. The good news? It will be worth it.
Get your butt up, dust it off. Shake off this bender. Walk back into AA with your tail between your legs. Admit you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and that you need help.
But for a small fraction of true alcoholics, this is not a job to be attempted alone. Too difficult, too dangerous. Our best thinking gets us drunk. We need new ways to think. At its core, we need a complete reprogramming. I learned all wrong about how to live life. I’m learning for the first time in my mid forties what it means to live with a purpose. To face things. And honestly I still pretty much suck at it. Relapses still happen, though they are fewer and farther between and don’t last long. I’m getting the hang of it. But it’s a real bear.
Truth? Lots of days I hate it. It’s not “all good”. Felling feelings is often awful and I recommend learning how to do it as a child or young adult. Not at my age. But I simply could not go on any longer hurting others and hurting myself.
My recovery includes; AA, SR, Medication, Exercise, God, Desperation, staying busy.
Yours might look the same, or maybe not. But whatever you did that got you drunk, that ain’t it. And the truth is you probably aren’t even qualified to figure out how or why you got drunk. If you’re anything like me, drunk is your natural state. The state you tend to return to given enough time. I need help to modify my natural state. I couldn’t figure it out no matter how hard and for how long I tried.
You’re no better or worse than the drunk under the bridge or the saint with 30 years clean. You’re just you. And you owe it to yourself to raise the white flag and stop fighting the fight that can’t be won. Join us on this road. Talk about what you’re feeling. Be honest about your recovery.
But DO NOT beat yourself up. Does absolutely zero good. We’re already hard on ourselves. You’re not bad. You’re a drunk. It can be fixed. In time. You can prevail. And there’s a blessing in your misery….the more miserable we become the more inclined we are to change. So I hope you’re having a super crappy day, lol. You wouldn’t put it down if it was all good, now would ya?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 97
When will this stop? When you decide to end it.
And you do have the power, even if you don’t believe it right now.
If you want to know my method, it was AVRT. I struggled with other methods until I found AVRT. You can find your way out as well, as SR has many resources and methods to discover.
Keep fighting and you will find a way out of the madness.
And you do have the power, even if you don’t believe it right now.
If you want to know my method, it was AVRT. I struggled with other methods until I found AVRT. You can find your way out as well, as SR has many resources and methods to discover.
Keep fighting and you will find a way out of the madness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by Scd619x 
I thought like you do for a long time and had triggers in the same way. I couldn't hold onto this idea that somehow alcohol was evil, as it is an inert liquid and has no personality, feelings, morals etc. I was sober for some years and ended up drinking again so went back into recovery and took a good look at myself and what alcohol does for me. I figured out that alcohol must being me something pretty amazing for me to risk all aspects of my life in the effort to keep on drinking in some way, either that is true or i am as insane as the person who is convinced they are an alien living on an alien planet, and in this case i need psychiatric care inpatient asap! I figured out i wasn't insane so i must perceive alcohol as a solution or a medicine for something.
How do i feel without alcohol? I love the waking up fresh, more energy, fresh skin, less bloated, not so flush, thinking more clearly etc. So many plusses to sobriety BUT there is one big minus that leads me back to drinking and that is how i feel about myself. I had to figure out that my negative self talk was my only internal dialogue, it is like someone picking on you all day everyday and me expecting to stay sober for decades with that going on, eventually i drank. So i had to begin the journey of looking at how i felt normally, as that was what sent me back to drinking. Not a journey i wanted to take but i had to do so. I had to work out how to change my normal to be able to handle being sober long term. I've had A LOT of help as, although i did try honestly, i could not doo it solely for myself without some guidance and help.
I never knew any of that for about best part of 3 decades, or maybe i knew it but didn't want to accept it, who knows?
How do i feel without alcohol? I love the waking up fresh, more energy, fresh skin, less bloated, not so flush, thinking more clearly etc. So many plusses to sobriety BUT there is one big minus that leads me back to drinking and that is how i feel about myself. I had to figure out that my negative self talk was my only internal dialogue, it is like someone picking on you all day everyday and me expecting to stay sober for decades with that going on, eventually i drank. So i had to begin the journey of looking at how i felt normally, as that was what sent me back to drinking. Not a journey i wanted to take but i had to do so. I had to work out how to change my normal to be able to handle being sober long term. I've had A LOT of help as, although i did try honestly, i could not doo it solely for myself without some guidance and help.
I never knew any of that for about best part of 3 decades, or maybe i knew it but didn't want to accept it, who knows?
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