BeABetterMan

So I took a leave from work because I’ve been dealing with some really debilitating anxiety. Overall if I had to assess my progress I’d say it has been negative. Feeling more tired and overwhelmed a lot. Feeling anxious a lot. I was looking forward to my twins going home to mom so I could rest and try to recover but found out my teen daughter has COVID today so I’ll have the twins for the next ten days. Usually that would be a blessing, but right now I feel like I’m slipping under more by the day. Also my AC went out and my 5yo Doberman has lump and needs surgery, while I’m not receiving a check. Ugh.

Drinking is not an option, I haven’t had cravings nor considered it. So that’s good. And I take my Antabuse daily. I’ve been hitting all of my meetings. So all this faith I put into God, I’d like to see some evidence that it is well placed, and now would be a great time for that.

Boondock

Sorry to hear that BABM, I don't think God's going to give you anything you can't handle. Maybe it's good to have the kids around because it kind of keeps you busy also maybe tell to your circumstances to your Vet. and they might let you make payments with just a little money down. Your A/C could be something simple like it just needs the drain unclogged or it needs to be charged or it's just the actuator.....I don't know just a few ideas that might help.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're having a rough week BABM.

Do you have someone you see about your anxiety or a lost of positive things you can do to relieve it?
now might be a good time to think about getting that kind of help?

I hope the time off will help too.

As for evidence that your faith in God is well placed...I've never known my faith to work like that

I have frequently looked back at a bad time and seen that God had been there with me, tho, even when I couldn't (or sometimes wouldn't) see it at the time..

I'm sure you'll find the same.

Hang in there man

D

Anna

Ugh, BABM, that does sound like a rough week. You have a lot going on. I hope that taking leave, and taking some time to rest and recuperate, will help your anxiety. I find that keeping a routine is comfortable for me and helps me with my anxiety. Would that help you or maybe you already do that? I hope your daughter recovers from Covid quickly. Maybe spending the next ten days with your twins will help distract you from your anxiety. And, I agree with what Boon said about the Vet. See if you can set up a payment plan that works for you both. I hope your dog will be alright. Our pets are so important in our lives. I don't know how you can manage without AC in summer in Arizona though. That's brutal.

Steely

No way around it but through it BABM, even when it sucks. Life can dish it out no matter hard we try, hey?

I can only congratulate you on being sober, and outside of that to use all of the means at your disposal to find calm. To care for yourself in a meaningful way. Try transcend it. Rest, relax today. A few simple tasks. Remind yourself of the successes, not wanting to drink being one.

Sorry to hear your daughter contracted COVID - hope she recovers quickly. Look after her, and look after yourself as well.

This too shall pass BABM.

RecklessDrunk

I think we have to pay God up front. There is a little bit of evidence. For one you're not trying to figure out what you did in a blackout. You didn't come to in a cell this morning.

I've felt like I've had a black cloud over my head lately. I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest some satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I manage well. I love that line from the BB. I can kind of picture myself in an almost cartoonish scene trying to pull at the earth like hey. In an impossible, forceful struggle that does nothing but tire me out.

Some days I just can't let go of my own will. Its like I need to explain to God just how his will for me is supposed to be carried out.

My head is just so thick. I look out at the sunrises and sunsets and it's so hard for me to get that I am rotating and revolving around the sun. Its just so clear to me it is the sun that is moving. Sometimes I think all that energy that God sends off the sun revolves around me.

nez

Life on life's terms can definitely be challenging at times. I am glad that you came here to share BABM. It shows a commitment to recovery and making use of tools available. It also helps others by showing a slice of real life and how we can work through the difficult times.

My faith is based on the belief that I get what I need, not to be confused with I want, as many times the two things ain't in copacetic synchronicity. What I get that I need, is the tools, the tools I need to be able to face life head on even when things get turbulent. Serenity is not the absence of storms, but rather it is peace in the midst of a storm.

Keep using your tools and doing the next indicated right thing BABM. You haven't come this far, to only come this far.

Delilah1

I am so sorry you have so much going on. First, how is your daughter feeling? Is she doing okay? I hope her symptoms are minimal, and that nobody else gets sick.

I am glad you have taken some time from work, I am sure money is a little stressful right now, but you are smart to put your health first, and mental health needs to be just as important as physical. Sending you so much love.

Delilah

RAL

Sorry to read you are having a rough week but great result on not drinking Taking leave was a good idea and looking after yourself is so important. I have no advice just to let you know you are not alone and it will get better.

MythOfSisyphus

That's tough! Smoke sent for your daughter, and for you. Hang in there!

Scd619x

Sorry for your troubles, you are doing amazingly well working through them though. I can't remember a time when i didn't have anxiety, i always had it as a kid then when i was 18 it got real bad, panic attacks, wanting to die, self harming etc. Of course my answer at that time and since was alcohol. I had no idea i was treating how i felt 'normally' by using booze until i was much older, didn't connect the dots. So i had to change normal or, in another way, do what you are doing! Work through life's absolute BS without the booze and make sure i was taking care of my anxiety by taking time out, medication (not booze!!!), counselling, etc etc. I was on antabuse for 6 months in my 30s, it was an amazing time as it was not an option to drink. I'm in AA and was not into it back then so almost immediately went back to boozing after my psychiatrist that i had seen once told me the prognosis was good and i would be a social drinker form now on, i was sh*t faced a day later lol! Oh dear, hindsight huh! I had no plan of action unlike you, so i'm certain you will be having a different experience! I think back to that time and should have said to the guy f*** you i'm staying on antanbuse, i'll take the minor liver damage hit!!!

Surrendered19

Hi BABM. I'm sorry you are struggling man. Maybe you can immerse yourself in those twins and make the next few weeks about them. I'm thinking some 500 piece puzzles. Some Yahtzee tournaments. Some Marvel movie sessions.

As for the presence of God, believers normally take that on faith in lieu of evidence. The only thing I can tell you is that we are here with you. And you have amazing kids who have an amazing dad.

Take care of yourself and I hope your older daughter's case of COVID isn't too bad. Sending healing vibes to all of you.

Rixo

Thinking of you and sending the best

biminiblue

I'm also thinking of you and hoping things are calm today.

silentrun

Once again, just like last week, your kids need you and you are there for them. Last time your boy needed to talk and while he was working up to that you were on here fighting the craving and trusting in your plan. You avoided using and have him having that door open only to find his dad drunk. This time they need a place to stay and you have the time off to spend with them. Ok, so maybe you are incredibly uncomfortable but you can make that work.

Being "that dad" is your heart's desire is it not? Isn't that what you are being given?

dustyfox

Children are demanding at the best of times, and at the worst of times they can feel like the straw that broke the camels back. How old are your twins - if very young see this as an opportunity to put in some fun/ silly Dad time, have fun with them. I say this knowing exactly what its like when you really want them to go to bed so you can have a glass of whatever - but as your not having one, then let the time flow over you - have some treat , ice cream, jelly, waffles, actually even if they are older this works. I am sorry you are anxious, but like others have said, your twins may be there to help you - they will also be worried about their sister so time to reassure them. Post and let us know - I honestly know how hard it is - but I believe as a Dad you have super powers.

BeABetterMan

Geez people, thanks for all of the support. While I don’t like complaining and feeling sorry for myself, sometimes, in small bursts, it’s not too bad to vent and receive great support. Beats the alternative.

Now I need to get back to living in gratitude and focusing on getting well by being more accepting of life and it’s associated circumstances.

Love you folks.

Dee74

good to hear from you again BABM.
You got this

D

Steely

Been following BABM, and have not been disappointed.

Yes!

Delilah1

Glad you are checking back in. How is your daughter feeling?