InTheEnd

Just wanted to be here. Read the posts and know that I’m not alone in this cycle. Still drinking my wine, but this last week, pouring that first glass each day gave me a wave of guilt, which I quickly drank away. But every single time. Something has shifted and is different. That first sip or glass makes me hate myself, until the 2nd, then I forget I hate myself…then I wake up the next day. Guilty, angry, and hating myself. I’m basically drinking now for that moment of relief on that 2nd glass. So maybe 15 minutes of peace a day. Same old song and dance, but with so much more guilt and hate lately. If I’m not blaming myself for everything, I blame everyone else. I’m just so sad and disappointed in myself and sometimes am looking to find a scapegoat that’s not me.

I was honest with my drinking and a lot more things last night with a lifetime friend. I had had wine, forgot to eat all day and she called. Started fine, than I just told her to stop talking and I had to say something right now. She did and I just started…and kept going and going. First about drinking, but so much more came out. Im absolutely sure I’m depressed. Im sure I haven’t grieved properly for my mother, who has been gone 17 years this July 4th. Never dealt emotionally with my breast cancer over 4 years ago. And again, “hiding” from my daughter, so the faker me has shown her face again. When the “everything is great” me appeared again for a bit, I knew it was a sign I’m going down the wrong path mentally for me but in some way it’s comforting to pretend. During that time I can actually feel normal, until I’m alone.

The Great Pretender.

Anyway, I’ll be here stalking all day. Going to try to not drink wine tonight. I’d love to say that with a bit more positivity, but I don’t trust me or where my mind is at. I need to stop drinking to deal with this depression. Deal with grief. Deal with my future. I know what lies ahead if I continue but just can’t seem to make a real go if it.

I’ve got to release all this crap I’ve buried inside my entire life, even before alcohol.

Thanks for listening/reading❤️

alphaomega

Hi ITE

That was a beautiful heartfelt post. I see so much of myself in your words. I'm so glad you are here trying again. Thanks for sharing and please stay close.

XO AO

RAL

Welcome to sr.

Maybe pour out your wine. Make tidy your day 1

InTheEnd

Thanks. None in my home now, but maybe if I burn the closest liquor store down and pop my car tires, I have a chance. I do kid, and not having in the house does help, but won’t stop me from hopping in the car for the quick drive.

RAL

Hi sorry I misunderstood thought you had some at home. Great result not having any in. Yes you could go to the store but I remember someone on here telling me that there are so many points between leaving home and buying wine where you can change your mind and talk yourself out of it. I did it once. Set off to store got inside stood in front of wine shelves then changed my kind walked out and drove home.

Stay close to sr 😃someone will talk you out if going to the store 👍

Boondock

Welcome, take it one day at a time and don't let that little liquor salesman in your head talk you into going to the store. Keep yourself busy if you start to crave wine eat something or make coffee.....anything but drink

Surrendered19

Hi InTheEnd. The last few years of my drinking career, it had lost all of its allure. As you said, the first sip made me feel like I was courting death. Which of course, I was. From where you sit now my friend, it gets worse and worse. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober today.

Dee74

Welcome back InTheEnd

D

biminiblue

Drinking to blot out trauma. Sounds familiar. Oh, yeah, that's what I did too.

Only way to let go of those raccoons in the brain is to stop drinking. A few months of sober time and I was able to put tragedy in perspective.

Welcome back.

Don't go out to the store today and get your head on that pillow sober tonight. You won't regret that.

InTheEnd

Thanks everyoneIm staying as close as I can to SR today. Need this “day one” more than ever and going to do everything possible. Being hungover more than usual has me jumping through mental and emotional hoops just to be productive at work but playing the game. Wanting to crawl away in shame and drink isn’t an option so I’ve got that going for me…till my wine alarm starts going off at around 2pm. Hoping I can hit that snooze button till I go to sleep. 🙏

Scd619x

I can so relate to that second drink, if I could have just stayed at that level i would have been happy! I had a lot of guilt and shame because of my drinking, i was taught that from a young age though so i can't say it was only drinking that made me feel like that. You have to come out of it and look back to understand why you felt like that and you may feel both sad and angry that you did when working on yourself. Try and look after yourself as best as possible by eating and staying positive somehow. Getting sober is not easy but it is doable with baby steps. Looking forward to reading more of your posts, thought about an online AA meeting or even in person? I've been going for years, on and off, keeps you busy in the early days

venuscat

"The Great Pretender"

Yes. And when we have been going down this road long enough, and can see clearly that there is only 15 minutes of peace followed by 23 hours and 45 minutes of hell, we have our answer.

We just need to accept the truth and do all we can to reclaim our lives. And it is worth it. s ❤️

Hevyn

Wonderful to see you, InTheEnd.
When I first came here to SR I had no intention of quitting all together. I had googled 'health problems of heavy drinkers' - and up popped a post from here. I started to read, & spent hours engrossed in other's stories & solutions. I never left, & it led to my 13 yrs. of sobriety. I hope you'll stay and keep talking to us. We're here to help & encourage you.

Introvrtd1

Hi InTheEnd…Welcome.

I know the feelings you’re having. Hang in there. 😕

RecklessDrunk

On that first drink its like you are hearing the cell slam shut on you. That's what that is, its inevitable that for the next little while at least that you are property of king alcohol.

Thats what happens if you have what is probably best described as an allergy to alcohol. Once I ingest alcohol I can not control how much I will drink or what I will do. It doesn't mean I get fall down drunk or crazy EVERY time I drink, thats the thing I just don't know because I don't have any control.

Its not easy to just simply stay away because I have a mental obsession to drink. Since I was 14 years old it was a cure for.... feeling the way I feel, living life as me.

One of the first things to fighting the insanity of the obsession is what you started to do in the first post. Think the drink through! Wanting to consume a substance that we know is only going to do us more harm then good is nothing short of insane. We have to recognize when our thoughts are insane.

Steely

Welcome, InTheEnd.

Can relate to all that you describe in yourself.

Stay close here and rest your head sober, tonight.

Moving forward tomorrow.....

DriGuy

Yes drinking made a mess out of my life too. And quitting fixed so many things. If your depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, you will need additional help, but drinking will never be prescribed by a doctor, because it is bad for depression. Well, it's bad for a lot of things, but it makes depression a whole lot worse.

Hevyn

How's it going for you today, InTheEnd? We care.