hotwings

hello hope your having a nice day. 🌼🌼🌼

I lapsed two days ago. I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like if I tell people they will say something like "its okay" or "you're an addict, just get back up and keep going" and i feel like people that I know in recovery will just judge me. They say in recovery to be honest; and i want to be honest; but I don't feel ready at the same time. I was always the one to support other people when they were struggling. I'm ashamed because I was so good at giving other people advice for so long, but ended up not following my own advice. I know that it's all in my head, and true friends would be there for me with good intentions, i'm just super paranoid and am scared to voice it. I guess it's my ego?? I'm scared if i tell my work they will judge me as well because i was given a second chance to finally get my act together; and I've been doing so well at work, and just feel like they don't need to know. I guess what I'm asking is, do i need to tell people like my family and my work? I know its up-too me at the end of the day; but its causing my so much paranoia.

I know this post has been quite negative so far, but i seriously do love being clean and sober. It's the most serene I ever felt. Not only that, I finally started to work on myself, love myself, and start to actually feel feelings for other people; such as caring about them. When i'm hard out using, I don't care. I guess in a way thats why i feel so bad about relapsing; I can't block the feelings out so easily. It's true when they say recovery ruins your using. I'm trying to stay strong.

Do people in this forum go to face-to-face meetings as well as do this online forum? Or do most people in this forum just do this for their recovery? Sorry i'm new to this and actually prefer writing than speaking in front of a group of people; so i guess i'm just wanting to know what other people's experiences are?

Hotwingz 💕

Mizz

Good Morning, HW!
Recovery is not linear for some people. Sometimes people fall down and then they get back up and keep moving in the direction of recovery. Your personal life is not your work life and if you can separate the two that would be helpful. Yes, your work has given you a second chance and you are now doing well in your job. Keep doing that. Your work is not your confessional, and I mean that with compassion and with respect. There may not be people in recovery in your work, but for those of us in recovery we know that relapse can be a part of the growing process. As long as you are doing what is expected of you in your job then there is no reason for you to talk about what has happened in your personal life. ....That being said, if your work involves driving or there is a risk that you would harm someone while under the influence then I would look at that and take the appropriate measures.

The only person you have let down in this scenario is you at the moment. You can learn from this relapse and get back to doing all the things that keep you in recovery. Perhaps you need to implement a little more work and tools into your recovery? What lead you to the relapse? The thoughts? The situation?

I do not attend Face to face meetings. This forum is the main recovery tool that I use. Stick around. This forum is filled with so much insight and wisdom.

Noam19

There is a concept from This Naked Mind where they talk about how alcohol recovery is one of the only self-improvement actions where society expects 100% success or you're a failure. I think flipping it around and celebrating your success rate is a powerful tool...especially in the early days of recovery. I'm not sure how much time you had hotwings but if you drank 1 time in 30 days...that's 96.7% success! 1 time in 60 days is 98.3% success! These are both pushing A+ on the school grading system!

Don't get down on yourself. Learn and evaluate about what prompted the setback...get back in the saddle and remember that everyday you are drug/alcohol free is a success.

hotwings

I think just the stress of everything made me just go well I’m not a machine and being clean for a year feels like a long time so I guess I’ll just have a little lapse. I honestly thought I could just smoke a joint but I turned into a much bigger relapse. Your right I probably could implement more recovery into my life, I’ve stopped doing the steps a while ago and stopped talking to my sponsor. I sorta thought I could do it alone. But I’m starting to realise I can’t. Thanks for the support ✨ it feels good to be listened to and also to have people give advice. I know there’s a lot of wisdom here so I’m just happy to be on this forum to be honest.

Scd619x

I've done lots of things over the years to aid in staying sober, there is no one shoe fits all as everyone is different. I've been going to AA for a couple of decades so yes did do until covid face to face meetings.

In recovery you are accountable to you. I've known people in AA that have picked up 10 and 20 year chips and i've known that they have definitely been drinking during that time on at least a couple of occasions. Are they deceiving? Not at all, in no way shape or form. Anyone who believes that a magic wand can be waved and suddenly you will not be interested in alcohol at all is quite mad. If you can get into your own recovery for the next 2 decades and slip maybe 3 or 4 times you are doing incredibly well. If you can abstain completely then you are doing incredibly well. If you can show others just by abstaining that it is possible then you are doing incredibly well.

I strongly advise you stop dealing in absolutes and stay in the grey. I would leave the complete accountability to this forum where you can remain anonymous and any judgement will be online, do not bring that into face to face meetings. so am i saying that if you go to AA, remain sober for 5 years, do all the work they ask you to do then slip that you should not tell anyone? Yes that is absolutely what i am saying. Why? Because the people you sit with in face to face meetings are not your friends and your connection with them is highly conditional on you not drinking. I've seen the most popular people you can imagine drink again in a face to face community and end up immediately shunned, so from meals out every friday night and going round 'mates' houses all the time to nothing is not going to help anyone get back into recovery.

You will get there, stick around here, try some face to face meetings when you can, you might like them. Little by little, baby steps

advbike

Being clean for a year IS a long time. You should be proud of that! The only problem with relapsing is that it tends to set us back into the using cycle pretty quickly. There's the real danger. Only you know how bad your problem was, and how much of a risk it is. The reason for sharing with others is simply to hold ourselves accountable and to gain input so we can learn and develop better tools. We all know people in the meetings who are actively using and not admitting it, because they are afraid to.

One of the things I don't care for in AA is the massive emphasis on "clean time". I suppose it acts as a big deterrent, but everything, including personal influence seems to revolve around that one aspect. The most revered people in AA seem to be those who blew up everything in their life, drove drunk, destroyed personal relationships.. then got clean. What heroes. There's doesn't seem to be much room or respect for those who have or had an alcohol dependency but caused no real harm, got it mostly under control, and yet still drink once in awhile.

I do really prefer the support and wisdom on this site and found my highest success here.

happylandfills

Hi hotwings!

I'm new to this too, no worries about getting your post perfect. I think it's neat that we have a safe space here to recover, mess up, start over, and go through a normal cycle of relapse until we're fully recovered. It really is normal! Think about it- we're forming a new habit. Habits take a long time to form and even longer to break. When you try to change your sleep schedule, you don't immediately start going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. It works best in increments and sometimes you sleep in a little bit longer. That's kinda like relapse!

I understand feeling ashamed about relapse though. It's a very human thing to give advice but failing to take it. I mean, look at me giving you advice. Don't assume I'm doing amazing on my sobriety journey, trust me! Even though some people may not react in an appropriate way to your relapse doesn't mean they're judgemental or they don't care. But, if you still fear that, it's understandable. That's what this site is for! Everyone here has been through what you're going through.

You're right that it's up to you when it comes to who you tell. I personally believe that as long as you're earnestly and wholeheartedly trying to maintain sobriety you're not under obligation to tell anyone. One slip up shouldn't cost you your job, but if you're worried about your employer not being understanding maybe it's best to not mention it. However, if you find yourself constantly slipping up, you might benefit from confiding in someone in order to find help. I think if you do want to tell them, approach it with an "I need help" attitude rather than an "I'm using again" attitude.

Of course this is just my two cents. I'm glad you're here and enjoying sobriety as much as you can. Hope this helps

Mizz

I do hope you can move forward with your resolve. Let go of the guilt. If you want to be sober then do that. It takes a lot of work and a lot of determination. You have determination and strength. It is very apparent given that you were sober for one year. Keep going.

I would not place so much emphasis on others and that you didn't take your own advice etc. Your recovery is not about other people. Recovering from an addiction is very personal and each person has their own road to walk. There are many roads to the same destination. Many. I believe in you.

novips

My recovery is rooted in Alcoholics Anonymous and I've managed to attend at least some live meetings throughout this pandemic. I've also relapsed many times before going on this 18-year-plus run of sobriety, and I always sensed that I had to come clean about my relapses in my A.A. meetings. When I went to meeting in New York City it was impossible to avoid the admission without lying because they started every meeting there by asking whether anyone was "counting days" (i.e., in their first 90 days of recovery). Anyway, all of that is to say that if you attend A.A. meetings, then I'd strongly suggest acknowledging your relapse there. Beyond that, I'd just encourage you not to lie. Which is to say that I don't have an opinion regarding whether you should volunteer the information to work and family (unless you previously agreed to do so) -- but if the topic comes up and you'd be engaging in dishonesty by failing to acknowledge the relapse, then I'd strongly encourage you to err on the side of honesty (though I assume there are exceptions to that rule of thumb).

As far as relying on this forum for my recovery, I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by completely submitting to the recovery program of A.A. -- and I have further concluded that I am one of those alcoholics. This means that I must be firmly grounded in all three sides of the A.A. recovery triangle: (1) Unity / meetings, (2) Recovery / steps, and (3) Service / sponsorship. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

biminiblue

Really great posts so far in this thread. Compassionate, honest, real.

I don't have the answers, I do know that I have to tell someone when I've made a big mistake in order to relieve the pressure. You've done that.

I haven't relapsed in seven years and I am very vigilant to not let that happen because at one time I was sober 18 years and picked up a glass of wine after work with my new workmates.

It was okay at first, "Hey, maybe I can be a social drinker." Took me maybe a year to go from one drink at a Friday Happy Hour to drinking every day after work and all day on the weekend.

In another four years I was full-on drinking almost all day, not working, and going through a handle of rum (1.7 liters) plus a 12 pack of 8% IPAs every two or three days. Doing questionable things. Risky behaviors.

Wait. This misery is why I quit the first time.

Danger.

Just...

...be careful with your "moderation."

I won't try that again.

enaiddes

I think being honest is safe places like this one is the key. I dont believe we have to share our secrets when and where we dont feel safe about it; that’s why places like AA and this forum exist- to provide a safe place to share the truth about ourselves.

tursiops999

Hey hotwings, thank you for your honesty. You are welcome here and we will support you no matter what. Number one you've been honest with yourself, the most important thing. You've also been honest with us, great job. Beyond that, it's up to you, sit on it for a bit and see what feels right to you. I would be especially cautious about work -- to me, work is different than family, friends, and sober support people, and I would think twice about sharing more personal info at work. I have found SR to be a better fit for me than in-person support for a variety of reasons. We each have to work out the best formula for doing life sober, and there are different ways of doing that, all of which (I believe) are based on a commitment to abstinence. You have some sober time, so you already know the benefits of that, which will be a great help.

D122y

Your post meant something extra to me not just because of what you said but because of the AA/f2f questions.

I would not tell anyone, except us/AA meeting folks, that you relapsed. Frankly, they don't want to know. It will just make them distrust you. They don't care if you drank. I don't care if someone drinks. I just care if they are being weird or whatever.

We all have secrets we don't tell folks. I don't tell folks everything I am thinking. Somethings are meant to be personal. Sort of like going to the Dr. You don't have to tell folks you go to the Dr. You just don't.

My opinion.

It is hard to argue with success and working a program like AA has proclaimed success rates. I love AA and use AA in my own way. Take what I want...

Addiction is for life. Folks regret relapse after decades. A proven way for some is periodic/constant vigilance. For some it is finding a meeting. For me so far it has been SR.

I come here, read about relapse, sobriety, successes, failures etc etc. It keeps my eye on my real prize.

Stay sober by any means. My first several months of sobriety were horrible. The brain damage, or whatever it is, was like a living hell on earth.

These days I am 99% better. My addiction calls to me. You can get away with a little slip. Nobody will care. But, I hate booze. I lost enough time on this earth "high."

I want to experience my last 40 or so years as sober as possible. Unfiltered. Clear headed. No drugs.

Sobriety is so cool. Sobriety rocks. I get high on life all the time. It takes a few years of clean time to start to really feel the natural dopamine etc. kick in. I also get super high from exercise. The harder the exercise, the more natural high I get.

I also get high from trying to help folks. Like right now.

Thanks for the therapy.

Love love love.

Dee74

How are you Hotwings?

D

DriGuy

Some people can. Others, like me could not. If that was the key for you, then you know what you need to do. But all these kinds of things fall under the umbrella of vigilance. Whatever you need to do, be it associating with other recovering alcoholics or doing the steps, you can't stop thinking about monitoring yourself, watching our for your AV, and choosing not to drink. Eventually, you can ease off when this vigilance and your sobriety behavior becomes second nature and automatic. For me that happened after a few years, and each year now, my sobriety behavior becomes more and more automatic, and I don't think about it much anymore.

Aellyce

I was definitely a seasoned liar while drinking and, sadly, I straight lied the most here on SR, often in really weird and unnecessary ways (in other places I mostly hid my drinking because no one talked about a personal problem with it). That sort of lying is counterproductive mostly because people will never question or probe into others' issues extensively, especially not scrutinize what someone they don't know too well says... so it can generate a sense that we get away with it and all is well. But I don't think we can lie to ourselves, at least not after we have recognized the problem. It just creates a painful dissonance between the truth and the image we try to wear, and at least for me, the real pain was not related to whatever anyone else thought, not even that I might have severed relationships, I never cared about that much... but to the fact that the problem remained unresolved, so I continued to suffer whether in silence or not. In this context, I personally think being "honest" (admitting drinking to others) does very little good if we still don't do much to fix the issue for the self and change. I regard alignment between values/goals and actions much more highly than words and even outward humility (not backed by behavior, especially what we do when alone or in positions of power). I think if one thinks in this way, any imagined or real judgment from others is quite irrelevant.

Focus on truly solving the problem, learn from others and ask for advice if needed and use it, so there will not be more reasons to lie or fear consequences. Support is great, but I do think sometimes it can be counterproductive (especially the seemingly unconditional accepting remarks) if we stay stuck and get a lot of validation and normalization. IMO, recovery is primarily a job to be done internally, in our own minds and lives, that is what truly matters and can also transform how we feel about ourselves.

hotwings

Wow these posts are amazing. I'm really grateful to have found this forum, plus really related to what people have replied and I don't feel like i have to wear a mask like i do in face to face meetings (not saying they aren't good- just not for me/ i just take what i need out of them ). How are you?