Polaroid

So I was 2 months +3 weeks sober---

Then yet again, I feel this kinda "feel for a rush" - go I pick up again

- What I completely forgot that after as soon around 3 4-5 days, I feel like absolute crap again

Why...

Edit: I'm unning out of energy,

Delilah1

You are back, that is the important thing. As someone who had more day ones than I would like I can tell you that you can do it, and sobriety is worth it. I found reading and posting here daily to be really supportive. Two of the forums that helped me the most were the Monthly Class, my final class was the January of 2016 class, and also the 24 Hour Thread. I also found Mindfulness to be crucial to my recovery, I would often find myself worrying about the future and feeling guilty about the past, both of these did nothing but cause me anxiety, mindfulness and walking are the two things that helped me to deal with the anxiety.

TroubleAfoot

Don't beat yourself up just get back on the wagon right now. That was 2 months and 3 weeks of your life, you got back, as a sober person. Almost everyone relapses a few times before they get some serious years under their belts. I sure as hell have. My longest streak has only been 3 months so I'm pretty new at this but I'm trying really hard this time.

Why? You had a trigger and pulled it. Try and identify what it was so you can avoid it next time. If you get a "feel for a rush" see if their is something else you can do to get that in a healthy way. Like maybe rock climbing or skydiving or something. Or mountain biking. When I'm being healthy and am in shape I love mountain biking. Hurtling down a mountain and holding on for dear life, as you push the boundaries of your skill set, is exhilarating. And scary!

Again, don't beat yourself up. You got this. You just made a mistake like everyone is prone to do. The wisdom comes from learning from it.

Dee74

I'm glad you're back Polaroid.

I don't know why you went back to drinking - there are reasons I read here all the time - maybe you thought you could control it now, maybe you got stressed or bored, maybe you missed it, maybe you felt life wasn't as good as you thought it would be sober.?

I kept going back to drinking because I didn't change the underlying conditions in my drinking life.
Every little thing in my life led back to a drink.

I had to change my life to stay sober.

D

Polaroid

Thanks D, I'm starting to understand now that "just 1" doesn't work-- It just doesn't. For alcholics like me..It is a such a sad thought, I admit, but.... I guess total abstinence is the only way to go?

I've neem drinking hand sanitizer, as that's available everywhere during Covid-19 .... now, that well. is as embarrassing &and low you can go...This just has to be my end point, seriously


IIt's just destroying me, bit by bit

Dee74

Total abstinence gave me my life back man - it's not the punishment we think it might be.

D

Polaroid

Deliah, I get so massively depressed. eve after 3-4 days ( but I feel dep even without drinking [Kind of like, what's the point,why aj I here..]--
`But I promise you, I won't give up - Iam as as stubborn that, nope - alkoholisme won't beat me.
Period.

Polaroid

I can completely relate to that . completely- Even though it was back in 2014 (No temps for anything (except from coffee) -Now, my goal is to get there again of of course¨

.... The thing is, I drink when I feel like s*, to make me feel more like s*

Dee74

You can get back there man - just takes that acceptance of not even one drink...

D

doggonecarl

Previous to this, you hadn't posted to SR in over a year; and you drank.

Coincidence?

Mizz

Sometimes It takes more drinking than we would like to get sober. I cant explain my reasoning for relapses nor can I explain why I have struggled with addiction to alcohol. Those two things are just what they are. I can tell you that committing to the work and staying the course will give you freedom and joy.

A routine has kept me sober. The first thing that I do after I turn on the coffee pot is post here on the Sober Bus thread. The next thing I do is support others here. Come up with a structured plan and follow it no matter what. Welcome back.
One day at a time.

Anna

Polaroid, I think acceptance is the key. Once you accept that you can't drink again, ever, it will likely be easier for you to maintain sobriety. I'm glad you posted and that you're here for support.

Gabe1980

I don't have the why but I do know that if you keep trying then one day it'll stick. It's taken me forever but slowly I have started to create a sober life where drinking feels alien to me. I have still relapsed but I need to get sober again straight away.....change does happen. Keep trying x

Sober45

Don't stop trying. I drank every day for many years and destroyed many things on that path. I couldn't stop because I felt that NOTHING in life would ever bring me the release that alcohol did. It's just you feel you can't live without it. It's in me to drink, like my mother, I thought. I've been teetering on the anxiety/depression line my whole life.

With each attempt you learn something. For me, in the end, it was like putting my foot down to a toddler and the toddler was me. a few things that helped in the early days:
-on SR throughout the day...every day.
-In the beginning I called it my 365 day challenge (I couldn't do the forever thing....getting better at it now though)
-I consumed a lot of sugar.
-Practiced gratitude (which I've been forgetting lately so today is a good reminder).

Yesterday was a glorious today. I just felt really good as I took in the wonderment of everything around me. That didn't happen when I drank.

Your mind will recover from alcoholism, it will. You have to be patient.

Best wishes

Scd619x

That was my pattern for years. I felt lonely whilst sober no matter who i was with etc. I also felt flat. Unfortunately for all those years i never really admitted either to myself or really did anything about it. I'd hang onto the dry bus for anything from a few days to weeks and repeat.