10 days into a new life with all the light and dark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 14
10 days into a new life with all the light and dark
Just reaching out because I'm feeling incredibly depressed right now. I guess some of it is beating myself up for drinking for so long. I can't remember when I was last sober for 10 days. I think it must have been around 10 years ago.
Drinking never took me anywhere I wanted to stay. Each drink really being only a comfort if it was following a first drink, as alcohol made me anxious and a bit out of it, and the only way to cure that was to take another drink and became more out of it... like a loan shark that eventually has you pay 200% back of what you originally only paid 100%.
I just feel really sad though right now. And, last few days. I guess I know there's more light ahead but I'm just feeling so sad right now. I had an abusive relationship for a few years which really tore me down, and the only way I really survived it was by drinking (I mean, I stayed in it because I'd just get drunk). And then I used alcohol to numb all the emotions. And I did so many stupid things when I was drunk. And buried so many feelings. Is that what this is, these raw, stuffed-down emotions coming to the surface?
I stopped chasing my dreams when I was drinking. I didn't see them as worth it, and told myself to just drink instead.
I went on holidays recently and it was so nice. Somewhere that had more mountains than people, and the air was clean. And I did lots of mountain biking/hiking - some of my favourite things. And life just felt so peaceful and simple. And it was so nice having a 'clean break' away from the city I currently live in. And all the memories I have here, of drinking, of abuse, of running from emotions.
I want to move out of the city and into the peace and the calm a bit more. I have wanted this for over 30 years (as a kid I swore I'd never stay in the city). But drinking made city life bearable.
But I don't want to drink anymore. And I feel to be true to myself I need to start thinking about the future not being in the city again. It's not a whim, it's a feeling of coming home to my feelings. But yeah, right now, I just feel so very very sad. And I'm sitting with the feelings and crying my eyes out. I'll make a cup of tea and pat the dogs. I know it will get better again. But I just feel so horrible right now
Drinking never took me anywhere I wanted to stay. Each drink really being only a comfort if it was following a first drink, as alcohol made me anxious and a bit out of it, and the only way to cure that was to take another drink and became more out of it... like a loan shark that eventually has you pay 200% back of what you originally only paid 100%.
I just feel really sad though right now. And, last few days. I guess I know there's more light ahead but I'm just feeling so sad right now. I had an abusive relationship for a few years which really tore me down, and the only way I really survived it was by drinking (I mean, I stayed in it because I'd just get drunk). And then I used alcohol to numb all the emotions. And I did so many stupid things when I was drunk. And buried so many feelings. Is that what this is, these raw, stuffed-down emotions coming to the surface?
I stopped chasing my dreams when I was drinking. I didn't see them as worth it, and told myself to just drink instead.
I went on holidays recently and it was so nice. Somewhere that had more mountains than people, and the air was clean. And I did lots of mountain biking/hiking - some of my favourite things. And life just felt so peaceful and simple. And it was so nice having a 'clean break' away from the city I currently live in. And all the memories I have here, of drinking, of abuse, of running from emotions.
I want to move out of the city and into the peace and the calm a bit more. I have wanted this for over 30 years (as a kid I swore I'd never stay in the city). But drinking made city life bearable.
But I don't want to drink anymore. And I feel to be true to myself I need to start thinking about the future not being in the city again. It's not a whim, it's a feeling of coming home to my feelings. But yeah, right now, I just feel so very very sad. And I'm sitting with the feelings and crying my eyes out. I'll make a cup of tea and pat the dogs. I know it will get better again. But I just feel so horrible right now
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,382
Sorry you're feeling blue, ravens.
I hope the memories of that refreshing holiday will stay with you, and maybe inspire you to plan future excursions.
Meanwhile take gentle care, look after yourself as you restore your health and spirits.
I hope the memories of that refreshing holiday will stay with you, and maybe inspire you to plan future excursions.
Meanwhile take gentle care, look after yourself as you restore your health and spirits.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Even today, I can feel a little sad about those wasted years, but now is the time to leave those years behind. I understand how you feel, but don't waste the good that is "now" on the past. Make it a habit to appreciate today. Ten days is a lot of progress. When I hit 10 days, I could hardly believe I had done it, and it was right about that time that I had a major shift in my outlook. 10 days? You are doing well. There's nothing to feel bad about there.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
10 days is wonderful, Raven. Something to be so proud of - please be patient with yourself.
I drank 30 yrs. & wasted so much of my precious life being numb & stupid. The regrets were hard to face & they almost led me back to drinking. Please know that you'll rise above these feelings of despair as you adjust to this new life of yours. I think the dream of moving to a more peaceful location is a wonderful one - something to focus on & look forward to.
I drank 30 yrs. & wasted so much of my precious life being numb & stupid. The regrets were hard to face & they almost led me back to drinking. Please know that you'll rise above these feelings of despair as you adjust to this new life of yours. I think the dream of moving to a more peaceful location is a wonderful one - something to focus on & look forward to.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Ravens, take a moment to pat yourself on the back for getting 10 days of sobriety. That's great.
I felt very sad when I stopped drinking, too. I had lost my dreams, lost myself and made so many messes, it was a tough time.
But, it will get better. Hold tightly onto your dream of moving out of the city to a peaceful, calm space where you will feel truly at home. You will get there.
I felt very sad when I stopped drinking, too. I had lost my dreams, lost myself and made so many messes, it was a tough time.
But, it will get better. Hold tightly onto your dream of moving out of the city to a peaceful, calm space where you will feel truly at home. You will get there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
The depression that hit me during the earlier days of my sobriety just after I quit, felt like a weighted blanket 
The feeling was So heavy and so sad, it felt unbearable. I somehow got through it and feeling much better today. Trying to say hang in there and stay sober…Things do in fact get better!
The feeling was So heavy and so sad, it felt unbearable. I somehow got through it and feeling much better today. Trying to say hang in there and stay sober…Things do in fact get better! 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: NC
Posts: 1,657
Hi Ravens. Hang in there. I think sadness and crying is pretty normal for early sobriety. I cried a lot in my first few months and I am not a person who normally cries very much. The tears are good. They release stress hormones. 10 days is great keep going!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 14
Hi all - thanks for your responses. I think its 14 days or so today.
I'm feeling so many raw emotions. Currently anger. I had mentioned to my partner I was keen to move (to the country/quieter part). He said he was keen. And I thought he was in. But now he says he's only mostly convinced but still hasn't decided yet. It pissed me off because I was literally sure he was as keen as I was. But now he's umming and ahhing and 'needs more time'.
I said I don't need to convince him of anything - I know you can't try and 'force' someone to make a decision. But I'm pretty solid with how *I* feel.
I'm feeling still pretty overwhelmed overall with my emotions. Trying to just ride them out. Bit like a surf wave though, feel like ducking under and holding my breath is all I can do at times?
Thanks for listening again <3 Trying not to be vocal with how disappointed I feel day after day to him is hard (I already voiced this in a calm way a few days ago so can't really repeat it).
I'm feeling so many raw emotions. Currently anger. I had mentioned to my partner I was keen to move (to the country/quieter part). He said he was keen. And I thought he was in. But now he says he's only mostly convinced but still hasn't decided yet. It pissed me off because I was literally sure he was as keen as I was. But now he's umming and ahhing and 'needs more time'.
I said I don't need to convince him of anything - I know you can't try and 'force' someone to make a decision. But I'm pretty solid with how *I* feel.
I'm feeling still pretty overwhelmed overall with my emotions. Trying to just ride them out. Bit like a surf wave though, feel like ducking under and holding my breath is all I can do at times?
Thanks for listening again <3 Trying not to be vocal with how disappointed I feel day after day to him is hard (I already voiced this in a calm way a few days ago so can't really repeat it).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
congrats on 2 weeks Ravens.
I'll drunk away my feelings so much over such a long period of time they came back in a rush and a force that sometimes scared me.
It was like I'd dammed them up and suddenly the dam wall broke and I was flooded...but just like flood water settles back so things will settle emotionally in time - might take a little longer than 2 weeks tho
D
I'll drunk away my feelings so much over such a long period of time they came back in a rush and a force that sometimes scared me.
It was like I'd dammed them up and suddenly the dam wall broke and I was flooded...but just like flood water settles back so things will settle emotionally in time - might take a little longer than 2 weeks tho
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Ravens, it's frustrating when you think something has been decided between the two of you, especially when it's something you really want to do. I hope you can work things out so you are both happy with the decision.
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