BeABetterMan

Some of you know how I have had trouble with my 13 yo daughter. It is just a very hard relationship. She is take take take. I have done all I could do to give her all of the space I can. I let her come and go as she pleases. I drive her anywhere she wants. Cook her meals, clean her room, put money in her pocket, etc. She never wants to talk or be around me so I give her a wide berth. Tonight it came to a head. We had a small argument so she started telling her mom she wanted to go to her mom's. Her mom and I are united on most issues including this. And we both said that as long as she's not in danger and that I'm not angry or upset or being mean or anything like that that she should be able to stay and work through whatever it is. But she is stubborn and insistent. Her attitude started to cause her siblings to get upset and they asked if we could just send their sister to their mom's. And after all of the drama it finally hit me. She doesn't want to be here. And I don't like when she's here. So I told her that she wins. She can pack up all of her things and head to her mom's. I also said that she could stay as long as she wants. And that I don't want her back until she wants to be here. The door is open, but I won't beg for her. She causes too much hurt and drama and the truth is my other childrens' and my life are simpler and more serene without her.

This is a decision a long time in the making. And I don't know what the future will hold, I am open to basically and resolution. I would prefer to have her be a part of my life, but I will be ok if she is not. My life today is about staying sober and doing things that make me healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. I try to be the best dad I can. The best employee. The best coach and the best friend. My daughter does not add to my life. She takes away from it.

Both my ex-wife and I tell her that she will regret these decisions. For instance, she didn't come to my house on my birthday the other day when the other kids did and we had cake and dinner and just a fun chill night. Then, she got baptized and didn't invite me, or her mom or any family. Just her friends. We think she'll regret it, but more and more I'm not sure about that. The person that she is now might be more near the final version of her than my ex or I want to believe.

What's sad is that I'm not really that sad. I'm disappointed, but she's been pulling away for so long and being just generally selfish and apathetic for so long that there aren't many feelings left.

I had to share somewhere. Thanks for listening.

Mizz

That is quite a lot to deal with and I think you are handling it with as much grace and patience as you can. Her decisions are ones that she may or may not regret but it does sound like you and the other members of the family need some peace. Space. Time to breathe and regroup. This is not a failure on your part. I hope you know that.

Is she involved with a therapist? Is that an option?

Sending you peace

KidsEverywhere

It sounds like she has been allowed to call the shots and the tail has been wagging the dog.
I am fortunate with my relationships with my kids (14 year old boy, 17 year old pretty severely autistic boy and a 19 year old girl) although me and their mother have been divorced for 12 years- I’ve been remarried for 10. But we have generally be very aligned all along with what we are going to do for and with the kids.
it has always been that we told the kids what they are going to do or be (aside from sports/ other plans they might make ahead of time ). We’ve always been good to them but never gave them more than they needed or earned and that has worked out well for us all.
The folks I know who have showered their kids with everything they ask for my experience is that they tend to create a “monster” where before they know it- the kid(s) are running the household, calling the shots and nobody is happy. Kids want boundaries/ limits/ rules (although they aren’t going to tell you this).
parenting is a challenge- and there are 1000 opinions. And many work, but there is no manual given when you have them!

Steely

Bloody kids, BABM. I know how you feel.

So long as she is safe I'd let her go to her moms. More friction if you don't.

Time will help reconcile.

Your post helped me BABM. Thanks.

Learning to let go, creating boundaries, is not easy. I'm learning. And it will pay off in the end.

Dropsie

Sorry to hear that BABM.

Teenage girls eh?

My eldest, 27 now, and I are still finding our way, and the 16 year old adores her mom. But I chose a different path with her.

With my eldest, I worked, drank and travelled and left her with her Dad a lot. We were married then and he has a 9-5 job and I had a 24/7 all day job. He is really tough, but he was there for her, so she sucked it up and still does, but less.

With my youngest, I still work a lot, but I don't travel as much, don't drink, and split time wth her Dad, who is still tough going.

I don't know if my eldest and I would be different together if circumstances were different, but my mom and I had a complicated relationship and she never drank, worked or travelled. Sometimes it just is what it is.

With all that said, what I do know as a gal is that what teenage girls say they want and what they really want do not always align, and that it is really important to be there even if they say they totally do not want you to be there. This is NOT to say that this choice is not exactly what everyone needed now, just a general observation from my experiences both as daughter and mom.

The only thing that my ass$$le ex-husband said that stuck with me is that parenting is not just a relationship, its a job. An unpaid, difficult one at that.

She will be fine, you will be fine, give it some time.

We got your back.

fishkiller

Hang in there man
Kids are tough as you know but we have to be tougher.

I was on the other end of the situation with my daughter. She fought for years to come live with me. When she finally got her wish she realized she still lived with a parent and still had rules. Wasn't any greener on this side but her and her Mother argue about everything so I guess it helped there.

Now in her late 20's she has followed her Mother across the Atlantic and back. They cannot live under the same roof or really be in the same house together for too long but love each other immensely and she cannot be further than driving distance from her.

Be the Parent. Show nothing but love. But don't put up with nonsense at the same time. It will work out.

Leonidas

13 is a tricky age. Especially for girls I think. Who she is now isn't likely the same person she'll be later. Hang in there.

KidsEverywhere

I re-read my post and I apologize if it came across harsh. I didn’t mean to imply you were not doing everything you can. Every parenting situation is different. My point I wanted to share was my experience with kids is they generally respond well to structure- they are secure when they know what the rules are and the rules are not theirs to make and mold. It sounds like your daughter has been allowed to make some of her own decisions that rather than letting her and giving her a blank canvas- often the parent telling the kid what she is or is not going to do (or at least provide the guard rail to which she can operate within is a successful model that has worked for me.
good luck with it all. Like I said when we bring them home from the hospital- they sure don’t come with a manual on how to operate!

Surrendered19

I'll urge you to remember that one week to fully formed adults seems like a year to a confused angry 13-year old. Absolutely nothing is forever in the life of a teen BABM and she will continue to change so much. At that age almost daily. As you already said you would, just leave the door open and the light on for her. She may need you in the coming years. Work hard on not seeming mad at her or as if you have moved on. In the mean time, enjoy the drama-free time with your twins.

ScottFromWI

I have a 15 year old daughter going through pretty much the same exact thing right now - the only time she will talk to anyone is if she needs/wants something and would do nothing but sit in her room on her phone if we let her. I really have no advice as I have the same problem with no solution, we are exploring counseling next as that seems to be the only option that might help within our power. School counselors are mostly only able to help with school related issues around here so we are seeking a private consult.

The one thing that keeps me from just throwing in the towel completely is remembering that we will never get these years back again, so I want to do whatever I can to make some of them enjoyable/memorable down the road.

dpac414

So just my 2 cents....which may not be received well so just let me know and I can shut up if you want.

Children are just that - children. Their brains are still developing and they actually do not have the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions. That doesn't mean that they can't be hurtful or indignant, but I think it's important to understand that these are critical years for them in terms of development and that a lot of things are happening at once. I'm not sure what your dynamic is/was regarding your drinking, but I would guess that may have affected her quite a bit, as well as you and her mom being separated. She is likely going through the trials and tribulations being a teenage girl with heightened emotions/hormones coupled with potential trauma caused by the family dynamic. That's hard to navigate.

BABM, I really don't want you to think that I am blaming you or think you aren't doing a good job or trying your best, because I know that you are. I just know that I was a child of an alcoholic mother who got divorced from my dad when I was 9 and that was a LOT to handle - most of it I didn't even acknowledge or start working out until I got sober myself because I had been dealing with it until I left for college at 18. It's a tricky situation and I can't give you parenting advice because I am not a parent myself. But all I can say is that I wish I would have known and seen that my dad still loved me, even if I was being a bitch. That he cared about me and listened to me and understood why I was so angry and scared and reclusive. That he knew what all of it was doing to me. You're not my dad and I'm not insinuating that you're doing/not doing any of that. The situations aren't the same so I really hope you don't take this as an attack because I genuinely do not mean it that way.

It's just hard to be a kid and feel like you have no control, especially when extraordinarily stressful things are happening around you.

I don't think this is probably the kind of response you are looking for here and again, I know I don't know your situation or anything other than what you've told us. I guess I wanted to give a different perspective because I was that child and I may also become that parent someday. I wanted to maybe give you some hope that she won't be like that forever and you will hopefully be able to develop a better relationship with her. Regardless, thanks for sharing. It sounds like a really difficult decision and that it's causing you a lot of pain; I could tell that from what you wrote. Hang in there.

Abraham

Sounds like you are on the right track in your thinking though. My only child/daughter is 11, I am not looking forward to 13 when I hear stuff like this is a drag. Hell, I was out drinking and smoking only a year later at 14. Glad we're sober!

Anna

BABM, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Have faith that she will change as she gets older and that you will have a happy relationship again. It's really hard being a parent, especially a parent of a 13-year old girl. Hopefully your daughter will adjust to living with her mother and things in general, will improve.

Lixie

You know, BABM, this is some hard core parenting. I am impressed. This was an extremely difficult choice for you, you have done everything you can for her, and it still isn't enough. She's old enough to learn that there are consequences to bad behavior, and you did the right thing. Kudos to you.

Aellyce

This sounds like a great decision, BABM. I don't have kids and don't know much about how to discipline them effectively, but I think having healthy and solid boundaries is always a good thing in every situation and relationship. I grew up with parents who didn't discipline me much but were very good at reminding me of my responsibilities simply presenting an example in how they did it and keeping boundaries, including during times when I became self-destructive - they didn't allow it to damage their own wellbeing much and chose not to get involved in my *** excessively. I still recall that as a great example and try to do the same in my own relationships, I know that I would not allow anyone to take advantage of me and treat me with lack of respect repeatedly, not even the people closest to me, and perhaps especially not those. She needs to learn that not everything is about her (probably takes years for many teenagers) and you can experience that your life is much more than being a parent and the responsibilities attached to that role.

As for the counseling suggestions, I don't know if it really helps anyone if they are forced into it and don't care about it, but maybe something to try, a few sessions at least. But I would rather get her mother to manage that in the situation you are in right now.

entropy1964

BABM, as an alcoholic mother of a daughter who went through a tough spot at more like 17, I can assure you, you both will change tremendously. You will change if you remain sober. She will change because she is simply a child right now. A hormonal, confused, not fully developed child.

Love her. Demonstrate that in long term abstinence. You will both survive.

Never forget who is the child. That's a tough one for me because if I'm honest, I do forget sometimes. No expectations. Just love. Honesty. A serious look at who is/what is driving the bus.

Best of luck.

BeABetterMan

Hi everyone. I have been reading all the great comments over the past couple days. I feel that there is no 100% right way to parent my daughter. I feel like anything I do is partly right and partly wrong. We have had my daughter in counseling many times for different things but she just doesn’t communicate so it’s proven to be a waste.

Having her stay with her mom long term is probably not realistic. Her mom really prefers to keep the three kids together and I think they do better as a unit too.

I am in recovery and I’ve been a member of AA for a long time and I have grown and learned many things. One of those things is that resentment kills. Another is to look at my part in times of conflict. Another is forgiveness. Another is healthy boundaries.

I am not 100% right (whatever that means) in this issue with my daughter. I can be better. I can move forward not internalizing her apathy as an attack on me. While it hurts she doesn’t seem to love or even like me, she is not required to do so. She does not OWE that to me. I can expect respect and can expect her to behave in a manner that doesn’t disrupt multiple households when she is not getting her way though.

I don’t know what the future holds but I am open to almost anything and I hope that I will act with honor and grace when the opportunity presents itself.

Dropsie

BABM,
What a great post. You got this.
I find a hard time drawing hard lines because of the pain I know I caused my eldest. She knows that too. And she also totally knows how to push my buttons.
But she is 27 now and is able to put things in much better perspective. She will never totally forgive me though and maybe she should not.
Makes forgiving myself harder though, which is not fun, but it also is a constant reminder of why I do not drink and will never quit my decision because the sober me would never do to her what the old me did.
Not to say that any of this relates to your situation, just thoughts on the theme.
You got this, totally.

phoebe64

You absolutely have the right to respect and certain ground rules when she stays with you.

Ive been though a lot with our daughter. She has had mental health issues since jr high. Some of her bad times involved a lot of drama, anguish, raging behavior. She’s 21 now, and probably my best friend. The teen years are hard, for everyone.

Now, my son is 17, and either in his room or wearing his headphones. He often seems to want nothing to do with us, and seems annoyed, even if I’m offering him a favor. I’ve had a few times where I really lost my cool and said he needs to be respectful and kind, and if not, there will be consequences. I’ve also backed off of trying to ask what’s wrong when he see moody. It just exacerbates that mood to ask if he’s not wanting to talk. I try to focus on the bright spots, and encourage him, compliment him, and build him up. I know these teenage moods are probably rooted in insecurity or self doubt.

Parenting can be hard! There’s no instructions that come with our babies, and each one is unique. I hope the break resets your relationship with your daughter BABM. 💕

Anna

That's a great post, BABM. It is SO hard being a parent, and it's hard to be satisfied that we're doing our best. But, that's all we can do. I also think it's wonderful that you and your ex-wife deal with your children agreeably.