Hello SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hello SR!
Hello Sober Family!
Yes this is one of those 'It really does getter better' threads. Which can be inspiring, or incredibly irritating, depending on where one is in this process of quitting drink.
I was going to dive bomb Obladi's thread, which I'm known for, but thought I should just say hi in my own space.
Well, yes, it does get better. Lot's of new faces here so who knows how many know my story. And I won't bore you with it.....suffice it to say, it's not pretty. And it's long, very long, and winding. And messy. And deadly. All the gory stuff. Some of the details are different, sure, but I think back to the number of times I truly almost lost my life, and it stuns me. The last time, so severe. But what really, really stays with me is how powerless I was. I mean, truly, what's the word? Sad. Just sad. I mean, I was sad. Like, I could see it in the nurse's eyes. Gone was any judgment...this lady is a boozer. She's weak. It was simply, sad. Like, lady you are truly dying, do you get that? You have no clothes, no glasses, no phone, no family. You can't dial the phone because you don't have glasses. I had to ask them "Do you have anything that simulates underwear that I can wear?". Yeah. I had a hospital gown, but no underwear. Talk about vulnerable. I didn't know how I got there, what state I was in. I actually never shared the 'last time'. I couldn't tell you the date. I just know it's been a while. I probably hadn't showered in 2 weeks. I had a matt in my hair that seemed like, that's it, I'll have to shave my head. The powerlessness is stunning. I was there for 8 days. I choke up on the details. I had to force my poor traumatized daughter to pick me up. I had no wallet. No money. No keys. No clothes. No shoes. After a painful conversation she agreed to bring me home. OMG the state of my home. I was so sick I could barely form a sentence. She was angry. I mean, hurt. Afraid. But angry. Of course. We got home, I don't know. She could see it. The pure sadness of the 'whole thing'. Something shifted. She got a brush. And for 3 hours quietly worked out the horrid matt that was basically all of my hair. Only having to cut out a small area. I was terrified to shower because I thought this matt is just going to reappear....I mean, totally illogical. I couldn't bend over without falling over, so a shower was a challenge. I was the definition of sad. I was too gone to even 'be' sad. I was nothing.
And that was the beginning. It started as 'I will never put my daughter in that situation again. Ever. I will die alone before I do that'. There was something very serious in that statement. An acknowledgement that I would indeed die alone if I kept going. What? With my dog eating me or something? But resigned I was. So, totally logical right? Pack a hospital bag with all the necessities. That make sense, right? Hide keys outside so I can get in my house. Copy of credit card hidden outside so I could pay a cab, you know, if I lived. Join the frequent flyer club with the paramedics so I would get free rides to the hospital. Put hospital bag by front door with a note on it: Take to hospital. Like 'break in case of emergency'. Logical, right? Telling my daughter that under no circumstances is she to help me. What does that even mean? Just take the dog and leave me to die? What even is that? I didn't know. She sure didn't. But there was something there that I could build on. No underwear. It's symbolic, of course, but it's powerful, for me.
It took years. I was so broken from so much. Aren't we all? Years before I could function at even a somewhat normal level.
So here I am. Years later. I am actually working. The job, uh, brutal, and who knows if I'll make it. But it doesn't matter. I am what I focus on. My significance is not derived from my problems. It is defined by my solutions. I need growth, however incremental.
I am what I focus on. I am change. Find a blessing, be a blessing.
There is life after substances. It might not be fancy, but at least I have my power back, my choice and my soul.
Love you guys!
Yes this is one of those 'It really does getter better' threads. Which can be inspiring, or incredibly irritating, depending on where one is in this process of quitting drink.
I was going to dive bomb Obladi's thread, which I'm known for, but thought I should just say hi in my own space.
Well, yes, it does get better. Lot's of new faces here so who knows how many know my story. And I won't bore you with it.....suffice it to say, it's not pretty. And it's long, very long, and winding. And messy. And deadly. All the gory stuff. Some of the details are different, sure, but I think back to the number of times I truly almost lost my life, and it stuns me. The last time, so severe. But what really, really stays with me is how powerless I was. I mean, truly, what's the word? Sad. Just sad. I mean, I was sad. Like, I could see it in the nurse's eyes. Gone was any judgment...this lady is a boozer. She's weak. It was simply, sad. Like, lady you are truly dying, do you get that? You have no clothes, no glasses, no phone, no family. You can't dial the phone because you don't have glasses. I had to ask them "Do you have anything that simulates underwear that I can wear?". Yeah. I had a hospital gown, but no underwear. Talk about vulnerable. I didn't know how I got there, what state I was in. I actually never shared the 'last time'. I couldn't tell you the date. I just know it's been a while. I probably hadn't showered in 2 weeks. I had a matt in my hair that seemed like, that's it, I'll have to shave my head. The powerlessness is stunning. I was there for 8 days. I choke up on the details. I had to force my poor traumatized daughter to pick me up. I had no wallet. No money. No keys. No clothes. No shoes. After a painful conversation she agreed to bring me home. OMG the state of my home. I was so sick I could barely form a sentence. She was angry. I mean, hurt. Afraid. But angry. Of course. We got home, I don't know. She could see it. The pure sadness of the 'whole thing'. Something shifted. She got a brush. And for 3 hours quietly worked out the horrid matt that was basically all of my hair. Only having to cut out a small area. I was terrified to shower because I thought this matt is just going to reappear....I mean, totally illogical. I couldn't bend over without falling over, so a shower was a challenge. I was the definition of sad. I was too gone to even 'be' sad. I was nothing.
And that was the beginning. It started as 'I will never put my daughter in that situation again. Ever. I will die alone before I do that'. There was something very serious in that statement. An acknowledgement that I would indeed die alone if I kept going. What? With my dog eating me or something? But resigned I was. So, totally logical right? Pack a hospital bag with all the necessities. That make sense, right? Hide keys outside so I can get in my house. Copy of credit card hidden outside so I could pay a cab, you know, if I lived. Join the frequent flyer club with the paramedics so I would get free rides to the hospital. Put hospital bag by front door with a note on it: Take to hospital. Like 'break in case of emergency'. Logical, right? Telling my daughter that under no circumstances is she to help me. What does that even mean? Just take the dog and leave me to die? What even is that? I didn't know. She sure didn't. But there was something there that I could build on. No underwear. It's symbolic, of course, but it's powerful, for me.
It took years. I was so broken from so much. Aren't we all? Years before I could function at even a somewhat normal level.
So here I am. Years later. I am actually working. The job, uh, brutal, and who knows if I'll make it. But it doesn't matter. I am what I focus on. My significance is not derived from my problems. It is defined by my solutions. I need growth, however incremental.
I am what I focus on. I am change. Find a blessing, be a blessing.
There is life after substances. It might not be fancy, but at least I have my power back, my choice and my soul.
Love you guys!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I've read many of your posts on the forum over time, entropy, but didn't know your story before recovery. Thanks for sharing it. These types of posts are what I personally love to read on SR the most, never find it irritating, only very inspiring. Resilience. I wish you the best in all current and future endeavors!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Flips!!!
You totally are welcome to dive bomb wherever you like as far as I’m concerned. But this post is perfect right where it is. Newcomers and “chronic relapsers” alike will benefit from your story. As did I.
Thank you.
Looks like you and I could start a “How bad it can get” franchise, but I’m just so so grateful to be on the “It gets better” camp with you.
O
You totally are welcome to dive bomb wherever you like as far as I’m concerned. But this post is perfect right where it is. Newcomers and “chronic relapsers” alike will benefit from your story. As did I.
Thank you.
Looks like you and I could start a “How bad it can get” franchise, but I’m just so so grateful to be on the “It gets better” camp with you.
O
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
Thanks for sharing. Two things jumped out at me.
First, you gave me a powerful reminder of the fact that the depths of our despair in active addiction knows no bounds. There are things that happened to you that I haven't experienced -- yet ... because every addict's hell can be my hell if I start to think I'm cured.
Second, you gave me a powerful confirmation/reminder of the fact that we can really mean it when we say to someone struggling with addiction that they can recover no matter how far down the scale they've gone. (My own story includes the warning that for alcoholics/addicts like me, recovery requires submitting to the program of action laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.)
Thanks again, and God bless.
First, you gave me a powerful reminder of the fact that the depths of our despair in active addiction knows no bounds. There are things that happened to you that I haven't experienced -- yet ... because every addict's hell can be my hell if I start to think I'm cured.
Second, you gave me a powerful confirmation/reminder of the fact that we can really mean it when we say to someone struggling with addiction that they can recover no matter how far down the scale they've gone. (My own story includes the warning that for alcoholics/addicts like me, recovery requires submitting to the program of action laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.)
Thanks again, and God bless.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Wonderful post Entropy - thank you so much for the encouragement.
I love the last line especially. Our new sober life may not be fancy, but it's not fake, dangerous, or unsustainable.
I love the last line especially. Our new sober life may not be fancy, but it's not fake, dangerous, or unsustainable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Dear Flips (Entropy). I didn't know you suffered all that, and yet you found the strength to not just survive but to resurrect. You are a beacon of hope and I'm glad you posted in Newcomers. Proud to be your SR friend, Tats xx.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hello! And thank you for all the kind responses. So good to 'see' everyone.
Well that was just the last story. And a small piece of it. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count. Psych wards, hmmmm, maybe 7 times? Give or take. Arrested for wondering around talking about 'shadow people' (that was right after my husband died so things were, er, bad). And so much more! "Just wait, there's more". Where I'm going with that is, 'this' does get worse. And it can get deadly, often does.
And the funny thing: I own a home. A couple cars. I'm fit. I mean, 'you' wouldn't know. Unless of course you caught me during a bender. Because most of the time I'm sober. But when I drink, run. I can take my life from good to 10 ft from the morgue in 3 weeks or less. I mean, addicts can hide in plain site. We don't fit a mold. Ya just never know. I try to never assume that what I see on someone's outsides even remotely resembles what's on the inside. Because if I can be such a dichotomy, then I'm sure many others are as well. We are all only human and we all suffer. We addicts just choose a very dangerous and unsustainable coping method.
Suffering never stops. But my relationship to it can change. My substance use disorder will never be cured. It is always there. But deprived light, food and focus, it fades. If I blame my addiction for all the ills, I have to blame it for all my growth. Without it, I would not be the person I am.
I am starting to be ok with that person.
The three things I'm grateful for today are: My health, my daughter and my friends here at SR.
Well that was just the last story. And a small piece of it. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count. Psych wards, hmmmm, maybe 7 times? Give or take. Arrested for wondering around talking about 'shadow people' (that was right after my husband died so things were, er, bad). And so much more! "Just wait, there's more". Where I'm going with that is, 'this' does get worse. And it can get deadly, often does.
And the funny thing: I own a home. A couple cars. I'm fit. I mean, 'you' wouldn't know. Unless of course you caught me during a bender. Because most of the time I'm sober. But when I drink, run. I can take my life from good to 10 ft from the morgue in 3 weeks or less. I mean, addicts can hide in plain site. We don't fit a mold. Ya just never know. I try to never assume that what I see on someone's outsides even remotely resembles what's on the inside. Because if I can be such a dichotomy, then I'm sure many others are as well. We are all only human and we all suffer. We addicts just choose a very dangerous and unsustainable coping method.
Suffering never stops. But my relationship to it can change. My substance use disorder will never be cured. It is always there. But deprived light, food and focus, it fades. If I blame my addiction for all the ills, I have to blame it for all my growth. Without it, I would not be the person I am.
I am starting to be ok with that person.
The three things I'm grateful for today are: My health, my daughter and my friends here at SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by entropy1964 
Hello! And thank you for all the kind responses. So good to 'see' everyone.
Well that was just the last story. And a small piece of it. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count. Psych wards, hmmmm, maybe 7 times? Give or take. Arrested for wondering around talking about 'shadow people' (that was right after my husband died so things were, er, bad). And so much more! "Just wait, there's more". Where I'm going with that is, 'this' does get worse. And it can get deadly, often does.
And the funny thing: I own a home. A couple cars. I'm fit. I mean, 'you' wouldn't know. Unless of course you caught me during a bender. Because most of the time I'm sober. But when I drink, run. I can take my life from good to 10 ft from the morgue in 3 weeks or less. I mean, addicts can hide in plain site. We don't fit a mold. Ya just never know. I try to never assume that what I see on someone's outsides even remotely resembles what's on the inside. Because if I can be such a dichotomy, then I'm sure many others are as well. We are all only human and we all suffer. We addicts just choose a very dangerous and unsustainable coping method.
Suffering never stops. But my relationship to it can change. My substance use disorder will never be cured. It is always there. But deprived light, food and focus, it fades. If I blame my addiction for all the ills, I have to blame it for all my growth. Without it, I would not be the person I am.
I am starting to be ok with that person.
The three things I'm grateful for today are: My health, my daughter and my friends here at SR.
Well that was just the last story. And a small piece of it. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count. Psych wards, hmmmm, maybe 7 times? Give or take. Arrested for wondering around talking about 'shadow people' (that was right after my husband died so things were, er, bad). And so much more! "Just wait, there's more". Where I'm going with that is, 'this' does get worse. And it can get deadly, often does.
And the funny thing: I own a home. A couple cars. I'm fit. I mean, 'you' wouldn't know. Unless of course you caught me during a bender. Because most of the time I'm sober. But when I drink, run. I can take my life from good to 10 ft from the morgue in 3 weeks or less. I mean, addicts can hide in plain site. We don't fit a mold. Ya just never know. I try to never assume that what I see on someone's outsides even remotely resembles what's on the inside. Because if I can be such a dichotomy, then I'm sure many others are as well. We are all only human and we all suffer. We addicts just choose a very dangerous and unsustainable coping method.
Suffering never stops. But my relationship to it can change. My substance use disorder will never be cured. It is always there. But deprived light, food and focus, it fades. If I blame my addiction for all the ills, I have to blame it for all my growth. Without it, I would not be the person I am.
I am starting to be ok with that person.
The three things I'm grateful for today are: My health, my daughter and my friends here at SR.
I hear an understanding of your struggles. I hear power. I hear ownership. I hear hope and determination.
Some of the road is painful to walk in life but that does not define us. It is so good that you are here and I am grateful to read your story. I feel very happy that you are doing well and that you are not suffering from alcoholism. Keep fighting the good fight and moving forward! Thank YOU!
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