Heatherrr

Hi all! After 26 years in recovery, I find myself in relationship with a dry drunk. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever struggled set boundaries in relationship. He suffers greatly from automatic negative thinking and it is dripping all over our relationship and I have just about had it. Thankfully, we do not live together, so I have my own space, but he does hold keys to my apartment. I have been holding on by the skin of my teeth to maintain my own sense of self and continue to do the things that are good for me and make my life what I want it to be. Can anyone please talk about setting and keeping boundaries? I just can’t take anymore of the verbal abuse, mood swings and dismissive behavior.
Any tips on boundaries and keeping my focus on taking care of me would be so welcome and helpful!!!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Heather

forgive my bluntness but if you're being verbally abused amongst other things maybe this relationship is not the best thing to hold on to?

D

Mizz

What Dee said.

stickyone

I can understand what you are saying. I too am working on my healthy boundaries. I've also been dealing with difficulty with my spouse. My latest post have been trouble with boundaries. My spouse was being verbally abusive we have never gotten physical with each other. If it got to that point then it's done. There are many factors that come up when dealing with relationship problems in recovery. Live together, kids , financial security, is partner a addict. Yes my spouse has treated me at times horribly. But I must take accountability on my actions on what she had put up with during my addiction.

DriGuy

My question is how did this happen after 26 years of sobriety? OK, I can understand how it might happen, but feel free to share. No pressure though.

doggonecarl

Here's a boundary for you: Tell him you are done and go no contact.

stickyone

Driguy just happened to notice by your past post you have around 26 years in recovery aswell. Congratulations with this much years combined I'm sure there be alot of good information for all of use going through this type of obstacles in recovery.

phoebe64

Regardless of recovery(or maybe moreso, because it’s a precious thing that you have such long sobriety), why are you wanting to keep this relationship, if he’s disrespectful and verbally abusive of you?

Anna

Abuse of any kind is never acceptable. I hope you make the decision to step away completely from this relationship. You deserve better.

Surrendered19

Hi Heather. It sounds like he wants you to dump him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I would go ahead and accommodate him on that. Then, I agree you need to work on some norms of behavior that you never ever let people near you sink below. Ever. Even with several decades sober, you seemingly allowed a large amount of bad behavior directed towards you to develop and fester and sink deep roots. Getting to the bottom of why you would ever put up with it, and put up with it for so long, are your next tasks in my humble opinion. I think for now your picker is broken, and you need to fix that thing before you pick another partner.

Aellyce

My suggestion would be similar to others saying let this relationship go. But besides that, I would seriously ask myself why you are in this situation at all. Is it possible that you see yourself in this person, including their hangups, and are so attached because you are primarily hanging onto some of your own insecurities/tendencies? Not assuming, just asking, because this happened to me many times in the past, and recognizing it can really help eliminate that kind of bound.

Basically, I often find that the people I choose to more seriously engage with (starting from strong interests right at the beginning) reflect at least parts of myself, often quite significant and multiple areas. Meaning, my choices of mates (not only romantic, any kind) can actually be a great mirror os my own mental health and stage in life. It was not always conscious in the moment, and sometimes for a good while, but I have become very good at recognizing these things early, and draw boundaries accordingly, including getting rid of influences that just reinforce my own unresolved issues. Sometimes I just limit the relationship because there are still very valuable parts in it, but then need to be super solid and consistent, no push-pull. Psychology has a bunch of concepts around this and I won't get into those, just simply ask yourself in an honest, introspective manner why you stay in the relationship, what you two have in common. It can be a very powerful indirect self-analysis method even in situations that are not troublesome.