Security in self-trust
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Security in self-trust
As my time in sobriety lengthens and deepens, I find that I think less and less about drinking, about the fact that I don't drink anymore. I still come by SR and find the community to be inspiring and powerful. I owe my 1,047 days sober entirely to this place and to my self. So it feels good to come here, add a word of advice or support and see, hopefully, old and new people staying strong and getting sober. With the acceptance of my permanent sobriety I think that I sometimes take for granted just how much better my life, in every single imaginable aspect, has become. But then there are times when I am reminded of what the gifts of sobriety bring.
This morning was a typical day in my life - hectic, full, busy. I was up before sunrise with my one year old, got to the gym for a workout before coming home, on work calls by 8am, brought my other daughter to daycare - just a nonstop life that I am grateful for every f'king day. But then as I was sitting here, working on a number of tasks, I found myself settled into the simplest but most profound feeling - a calmness in what I now identify as the security of self-trust.
In the years and years that I drank and sacrificed my life to the poison I was racked with self-doubt. I simply did not trust myself - how could I? On a daily basis I betrayed my self. I broke promises to my self and my family all the time. I was divided against my self, at war within my own body and mind. And it's not hyperbole or exaggeration to say I was at war, we all know the horrors of drinking - I was regularly in serious pain, physical and spiritual pain. I wasted time and money and energy trapped in that world of suffering. I remember making a post here, asking if I could ever trust my self again and if I could ever earn the trust of my family. Turns out the answer is yes - time and work and sobriety have given me the peace and security with my self and in my life that I only imagined in my drinking days.
Security is defined as the state of being free from danger or threat. I looked it up just now. And that's the feeling I have today. Life is not fair and accidents and suffering is a guarantee. I have days of anxiety and worry and am often not my best self. But all that is ok. It's life. And I can say that because now I am safe here, with my self. I trust my self. And there's work to be done.
This morning was a typical day in my life - hectic, full, busy. I was up before sunrise with my one year old, got to the gym for a workout before coming home, on work calls by 8am, brought my other daughter to daycare - just a nonstop life that I am grateful for every f'king day. But then as I was sitting here, working on a number of tasks, I found myself settled into the simplest but most profound feeling - a calmness in what I now identify as the security of self-trust.
In the years and years that I drank and sacrificed my life to the poison I was racked with self-doubt. I simply did not trust myself - how could I? On a daily basis I betrayed my self. I broke promises to my self and my family all the time. I was divided against my self, at war within my own body and mind. And it's not hyperbole or exaggeration to say I was at war, we all know the horrors of drinking - I was regularly in serious pain, physical and spiritual pain. I wasted time and money and energy trapped in that world of suffering. I remember making a post here, asking if I could ever trust my self again and if I could ever earn the trust of my family. Turns out the answer is yes - time and work and sobriety have given me the peace and security with my self and in my life that I only imagined in my drinking days.
Security is defined as the state of being free from danger or threat. I looked it up just now. And that's the feeling I have today. Life is not fair and accidents and suffering is a guarantee. I have days of anxiety and worry and am often not my best self. But all that is ok. It's life. And I can say that because now I am safe here, with my self. I trust my self. And there's work to be done.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Another of your spot on posts.
I am so happy for you that you have achieved that degree of self trust, which as you note is impossible in active alcoholism, but I would say is extremely difficult even when sober.
I certainly have improved my level of self trust over the almost six years since my last drink, but I still have a very nasty inner critic. My AV largely stays away these days, but his buddy the inner critic is alive and kicking, along with his friend Ms. Imposter Syndrome.
We share a profession where I think both inner critics and imposter syndrome is rampant and encouraged and I also think they are more prevalent with women (like me).
Long way of saying, good for you friend. And enjoy those babies, they get big so fast.
I am so happy for you that you have achieved that degree of self trust, which as you note is impossible in active alcoholism, but I would say is extremely difficult even when sober.
I certainly have improved my level of self trust over the almost six years since my last drink, but I still have a very nasty inner critic. My AV largely stays away these days, but his buddy the inner critic is alive and kicking, along with his friend Ms. Imposter Syndrome.
We share a profession where I think both inner critics and imposter syndrome is rampant and encouraged and I also think they are more prevalent with women (like me).
Long way of saying, good for you friend. And enjoy those babies, they get big so fast.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Originally Posted by Dropsie 
Another of your spot on posts.
I am so happy for you that you have achieved that degree of self trust, which as you note is impossible in active alcoholism, but I would say is extremely difficult even when sober.
I certainly have improved my level of self trust over the almost six years since my last drink, but I still have a very nasty inner critic. My AV largely stays away these days, but his buddy the inner critic is alive and kicking, along with his friend Ms. Imposter Syndrome.
We share a profession where I think both inner critics and imposter syndrome is rampant and encouraged and I also think they are more prevalent with women (like me).
Long way of saying, good for you friend. And enjoy those babies, they get big so fast.
I am so happy for you that you have achieved that degree of self trust, which as you note is impossible in active alcoholism, but I would say is extremely difficult even when sober.
I certainly have improved my level of self trust over the almost six years since my last drink, but I still have a very nasty inner critic. My AV largely stays away these days, but his buddy the inner critic is alive and kicking, along with his friend Ms. Imposter Syndrome.
We share a profession where I think both inner critics and imposter syndrome is rampant and encouraged and I also think they are more prevalent with women (like me).
Long way of saying, good for you friend. And enjoy those babies, they get big so fast.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Hi lessgravity, your post really spoke to me. I’m still so early in sobriety with 19 soon to be 20 days alcohol free and trusting myself has been on my mind. I relapsed 19 days ago after a few weeks of being sober and I was thinking about how little I trust myself. Of course I have zero to no trust in myself after so many broken promises. All those days I would say I’m not going to drink today but find myself buying alcohol and hating myself. I wonder if you have any tips on how you started trusting yourself again.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
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Being sober means I don't do things that destroy trust, either mine in myself, or others' trust in me. I get a deep sense of peace knowing I'm not contributing to chaos and discord. 
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
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Hi lg.
Everyone comes up against novel situations, things we've never experienced, that are also problematic. If we haven't had the experience of losing a loved one, for example, then how can we know we'll get through it emotionally intact?
I'm biased. I believe that if you can get sober then you can probably do a lot of more or less difficult things that you never tried or haven't yet finished.
Everyone comes up against novel situations, things we've never experienced, that are also problematic. If we haven't had the experience of losing a loved one, for example, then how can we know we'll get through it emotionally intact?
I'm biased. I believe that if you can get sober then you can probably do a lot of more or less difficult things that you never tried or haven't yet finished.
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Originally Posted by Bodhi02
Hi lessgravity, your post really spoke to me. I’m still so early in sobriety with 19 soon to be 20 days alcohol free and trusting myself has been on my mind. I relapsed 19 days ago after a few weeks of being sober and I was thinking about how little I trust myself. Of course I have zero to no trust in myself after so many broken promises. All those days I would say I’m not going to drink today but find myself buying alcohol and hating myself. I wonder if you have any tips on how you started trusting yourself again.
Lacking self-trust was one of the parts of my life that used to cause me real pain - as you describe. The truth is that any advice I have is kind of boring and mundane - regaining (or establishing for the first time) self-trust just takes time, sober time. The trust that I gained in myself came in increments. For example I used to dread/get excited by having a weekend to myself if my wife or kids were gone - it was a chance to "get away" with drinking early in the day and spend the weekend wasted. When I was trying to quit and then in my early days of sobriety I was worried about those alone weekends - that I wouldn't be able to trust myself to stay sober. But now, over time, I look forward to those weekends (few and far between) where my sobriety allows for full days of my choosing things I can be proud of.
In many ways I still have old habits of self-destruction - I procrastinate and I put things off and I zone out on bs things rather than get work done - but I also take care of myself and my family and my obligations to the best of my ability - and that is all because I am sober.
Whoa I am rambling.
Anyhow here's some actionable things -
Throw the booze away
Make a plan to stay sober - exercise, AA, coming on SR, etc
Cherish the sober mornings and sober evenings
Be patient and kind to yourself
One last thing - I read a book by Jordan Peterson called 12 Rules for Life - it gave me so much that helped me early on. One things that I really focused on was the idea of treating yourself like someone you are responsible for helping. That objective maneuver, to step outside yourself - to try and think of what you would say to yourself if you were someone giving advice or if you had the responsibility of helping - how would you talk to yourself, how would you treat yourself? Would you be cruel and unforgiving? Would you be kind?
Hope some of this helps.
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