Thesaviour

hello all, let's see I'm not one for social media or anything like that but I've got to do or try something different as what I am doing is obviously not working, So some kind of reach out.

Last week was another quit and I asked the doc for antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. Do I have depression or anxiety or am I just unhappy with my life, scared and lonely. Could be just the later as the medication had an adverse effect and I felt a little high so start drinking felt awful and disappointed and took all of the antidepressants. The week was a black out and one bad decision after another. My dog is gone and I don't know if if was taking away. I had rubbish and broken glass pilled up (as you know, the responsibilities are left by the wayside) He got into the rubbish and came back into the sitting room with his face bloodied. I asked the landlord for help bringing him to an emergency vet but instead he phoned the police. They were alright and said he be returned to you when he's cured. But is that true I don't know. Landlord went upstairs (which he shouldn't have) so mess and a lot of blood and accused me of cutting him. Once he's been looked after right now is all that matters but i don't know where he is or what the situation is.

I'm confined myself to bed to clear out and I'm coming to the end of day 2 right now only going out for doc's appointment this morning. My sim card on phone got dislodged and the tray is broken so who knows maybe they tried to ring. Doc did blood and urines and and ecg so have to go back at end to week

this is just the tip of the iceberg. I've left a trail of destruction and misery in my wake and the thoughts of having to face it all and get to the other side is daunting. But each time I crack because of the weight of it and give in, I create some more problems. Living alone in a village in a foreign country during this covid. I just want out,

RUL23

I'm sure it feels like the weight of the world is coming down all around you. Take it slow. One small positive step in the right direction at a time.

and commit to being done with drinking. I'm working on the same. 😃

Anna

I'm glad you're here and seeking support.

I'm very sorry about your poor dog and I pray that he is safe and being cared for.

Erica375

I'm glad you decided to post here. I know right now everything seems awful and unmanageable but if you stay sober, one minute, hour, day at a time, things will work out.
I'm not saying it will be easy, but it will get easier. When your head clears and you can clean up your act a little, maybe you can see about getting your dog back. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose him that way, but it sounds like he's being taken care of. Some people lose custody of their children for the same reasons.
Hang in there. Keep reading and posting and working on your sobriety. I am rooting for you to succeed and be reunited with your pup!

Hevyn

Welcome, Thesaviour. I can relate to the misery you're feeling right now. I'm sorry for what happened with your dog, but maybe this awful time can lead to sobriety & freedom from alcohol. Please keep posting - we care about you and understand how hard it is to change your life.

I had to stop for the reason you mention - every time I drank I left a path of destruction in my wake. What was once just a few foolish mistakes became dangerous, life-threatening behavior. I was reckless & irresponsible every time it was in my system. I had to stop to save my life. You can do it.

Dee74

Welcome thesaviour

I think the one sure way to have things improve for you is to stay sober. I'd also check with your doc I've been on anti depressants and drugs for anxiety for many years now and they've never made me high so obviously there's something going on there that needs to be checked out.

I hope your dog is safe and well and that you get some news soon.

D

Buckley3

All of that pressure and broken mess you describe can be traced back to one very important focal point - alcohol.

The only way out of the insanity is sobriety, and there is absolutely no shame in it. I'm not a strict disciple of AA, but the principle of admitting that we are powerless over alcohol is worth it's weight in gold. For me, it was a very important crutch in the early days to finally just letting go.

Can't give any medical advice here, so do what you think is best for your situation. But with med help or without it stay focused on simply not drinking. Everything else can wait and can be mended. But it's kinda hard if not impossible to move forward if you choose to continue to keep your feet stuck in the quicksand of booze.

Best to you.

-B

Thesaviour

Thanks guys. On to day 3 now. The mindset is to detox and get these demons (drink and drugs) out of my system. Like I said, I went to doc's yesterday, had to get up at 6:30 am which is my normal time when life is on track and I take the dog out at 7am and we will do the guts of an hour's cardio. Binging on and off since beginning of December managed to stay on track a couple of months. Let it affect me when told that I wasn't being paid for Christmas holidays which is illegal but he'd managed to cook the books to make it look illegal. Hadn't get the strength. Lost that job last week (because of pay disputes not alcohol surprisingly) and at first was relieved but too much alone time got to me I guess. Not the worse dog owner when on track but obviously you could be the safest driver in the world all your life when you get behind the wheel drunk once.

He's in good hands I hope. Right now I am trying to recuperate lost sleet and sweat out the poisons. Take care of me so I can take care of business, stop making myself emotionally and physically weak. It's afternoon and I jumped up and thought right lets get the sim card sorted ring the police and see where he's at. I got up to fast got a slice of toast some water and am back on the bed.

If I get through ALL of this (police issues, money issues) and get out the other side it will be the best achievement I've ever made. Continue on this path and I'll be killed. Just turned 44 and durning the 43rd year I got quite a few bangs to the head which I've still not get scans for (in the process of asking). Beaten by the police, 3 of them with sticks. (yes at this stage I was fighting back as one of them threw me to the ground for a simple id check) two weeks later because of the trauma of the beating (they left me in cell with concussion for 3 days) I saw moter bike cops and looked "evasive" apparently and they persued me, I initially ran then stopped when I realized what the hell am i doing, dragged to ground, one swift boot to the head (that court case is up in two weeks time. apparently I pushed on of them (didn't happen, just like according to official report the boot to the head didn't happen), a couple of days later in the wrong neighborhood drunk looking to buy, the vultures saw a soft target tried to snatch money out of my hand, I butted one of them and ran, but I was persued by iron bar guy and wooden pole guy (could have been worse) another visit to hospital......

Fell off a chair that I was standing on, intoxicated searching for something, smashed my ear. Flipped car, banged head (I do think someone interfered with wheels though)

The road to destruction is coming to an end. There's two possible endings.

Right now on day 3 of the more challenging but more rewarding ending. I plan to stay there with Jesus as my guide.

Thesaviour

Many years ago I did a stint in a rehab and they gave librium the first few days as you were in the detox ward for a week before starting with the rehab. I got librium off the doctor before and used them like that any time I fell off and went on a bender.

I attempted to use the lorazepam in the same manner, perhaps I overdid them, perhaps I abused them. Maybe loopy would be better than stoned. Loopy led to impulse perhaps. I don't know. I do know I regret my behavior and the best chance out of this is keeping alcohol and anything else that could ofuscar my mind out of my system. That and patience.

Thesaviour

Thanks Hevyn.

I'd be interested in hearing your story if you have blogged it anywhere. Think a few influencial stories could hopefully instill some hope.

Dee74

yeah different drugs - and self medication - can be a bad mix, especially if you still have alcohol in your system.

D

Steely

I hope you're still managing to keep your house in order Thesaviour. For now it seems just not picking up that first drink. First things first, as they say in AA, and I don't go to AA any longer.

Talking with a doctor you trust seems a good idea too.

Hope your doggie is safe.

Surrendered19

How are you doing today Thesaviour? Your story sounds really rough my friend. I hope things are looking up. You of course will get through all of this, but only if you stop drinking for good. You sound like you just had a similar year to my last year drinking. A physical and mental disaster in every way imaginable. You might be coming to a time when quitting on your own terms is an option you might lose. I hope you and your dog can heal and leave all this behind.

Thesaviour

Fair to middling to crap thanks. I've already quit on my own terms to try be in shape either to run away from this mess or be strong enough to get through this mess. But I get what you are saying......I'm probably heading to prison. It will be a foreign prison too, foreign language where I may just get killed because of an incident that happened with a dealer about a year ago. Considering options. Maybe wait it out, maybe get on a flight.

Thesaviour

Literally? Nope, not one bit of cleaning. Literally been sleeping surviving on bread, and yesterday brocoli and porridge (not together) trying to keep the little bit of cash I had to get the phone fixed as I can't call out or receive calls only whatsapp . it's just the tray that holds the sim is jammed so a chinese would or should hopefully be able to do it for me. My bank cards that I have been waiting on sine the 30th OF DECEMBER finally arrived today but the postman just put the notification in my box rather than ring my bell so I have to wait until tomorrow. At least I will have cash. Just feel like pulling the blankets up for good. did go to post office and got some food not in the post office obviously and went to town hall they gave me a lead on where to go to find out about the dog as i have him chipped passport etc but every officical place closes early so tomorrow

Thesaviour

Well ask and He shall give it. Found the strength to get going on the cleaning. made a good start and cleared a few things while cleaning. Wasn't exactly signing just whistle while we work but some good revelations. Got roof mopped, bedding washed and hung out, bathroom more or less cleaned, five refuse bags filled. Pots and pans etc washed. floors need sweeping and mopping but I need rest......
None of this is my ex's fault
None of this is the fault of my upbringing
None of this is the fault of the crappy neighborhood that my mother swore we would move out of
None of this is my brothers and sisters fault
None of this is the fault of the failed society that I live in
None of this is the crappy loser friends I chose to hang around with's fault
None of this is the police's fault (grrrr)
None of this is the landlord's bpd daughter's fault, the own who harrassed me and tried it on with me
None of this is my nosey neighbours fault

I started it
I continued it
therefor I can end it too.

Surrendered19

Extremely well-said Thesaviour. Now that is what I call some personal accountability. And you definitely can end all the madness if you stay sober.

Thesaviour

Fixed my phone myself with thanks to YOUTUBE
Cleaned the place up
Let the landlord know I cleaned it up not to perfection but much better than it was. Offered to get a cleaning company in to
give it a deeper cleaning (he then offered to give me a hand, which I said was very kind perhaps tomorrow)
Had a positive conversation with the landlord (he lives downstairs, I live upstairs in a duplex seperated) We agreed living in harmony as a union was better than living in conflict and that is what we are aiming for. I told him that I wanted to go down before and say to him and the family sorry for all of the trouble, but shame kept me from doing it, and then you know, someone who is carrying shame...does more stupid things. He said well it's good enough you are saying it to me know I will say it to them on your behalf. He said his Father crossed paths with me this morning and I said hello in a real low voice with head down and his father said he is carrying the weight of the things he has done (quite understanding)
Also told me the police tried to trick him into making a statement that he SAW me using a knife against my dog (even if I had, nobody would have seen it) he told me that after I told him when I cleaned up there was glass everywhere. He said he will be withdrawing any statement and if they won't let him he won't show up if there would be a court case.
he said there was something off about the police as the tested to see if the dog was chipped and he is, it beeped, then they spoke between themselves. The dog was taking off in unmarked white van (no animal hospital logo or anything)
so he has told me to go directly to the local police tell them the dog had an accident was taken away in an unmarked white van and nobody has contacted me since. That I want to know where the dog is and I want him back.
Good conversation with my Mother tonight. Told her about what was going on and the police charges, she was sad but hopefully everything will work out.
All in all, the conversations ended on a hopeful and positive note.
I feel determined about getting my dog back
None of this would have happened had I been intoxicated,

Obladi

Hi Thesaviour,

Congratulations on your decision to stop drinking. This is the beginning of a new life for you and you are starting it well.

All of those conversations you are having, setting things to rights with your landlord and your mom, with yourself - that's the first house that needs to be put in order. It's really admirable that you've done so much in this area in such a small amount of time. That you managed to do so much cleaning in your literal house is icing on the cake! Plus, I've always found that cleaning up my environment is a huge boost. You landlord and his father sound like good people. I'm glad you've decided to live in unity.

I think if you just keep doing the next right thing, even the difficult ones, you will look back one day in amazement that you had such a mess on your hands and were able to get through it. This period of reconstruction may be very challenging, but rising to that challenge can also be enormously rewarding. I know that's how it is for me.

Best wishes to you and your dog - I do hope you will be reunited soon.

O

Thesaviour

Well I did feel like coming back last night and saying it wasn't all butterscotch and back rubs between buddies like I might have made out. The conclusion ended well (is that an oxymoron?) it wrapped up well. He did let me know they had picked a certain amount of fearfulness as I had apparently let out one or two guttural roars and perhaps some choice words (I think after the police had left or before not sure). He mentioned my tv arial had broken (the tubing) and had bent over / fell over the neighbour's garden and I hadn't even bothered to tell them.......I hadn't noticed. You mean you haven't noticed the tv has been not working. NO I'VE NOT BEEN ABLE TO BRING MYSELF TO SIT ON THE SOFA WITHOUT MY DOG THERE SINCE SOME BASTARD CALLED THE POLICE AND THEY TOOK HIM ON ME!!

He kept saying the police fooled him into making a statement that I USED A KNIFE ON MY DOG! That they told him to say that HE SAW IT HAPPENING!! That he didn't realize that that's what they had written and he went to withdraw the statement and they wouldn't let him because of COVID!!

Despite COVID I went to the police today to find out about my dog and they said (after debating whether it was a local police or national police department talk about passing the buk) if I went to the courts and made an accident statement the courts would then give the police the authorization to give the poor animal back to me (after paying their fees of course, but you can't put a price on getting your dog back) . Despite COVID i went to the court and while the female judge was doing her paper work another calls me over and says here that will save me posting this to you (my assault charge, they are looking for one year which was kind of a relief really I was expecting them to look for more). The Judge despite COVID walked out to me and got me to sign paperwork and said she must ring the police and if they are satisfied that the animal (they kept saying animal now I am) is well or in condition then she will confirm the authorization to return the ANIMAL to me (the other animal). I said oh great, so I will wait her then. She looked at me as if to say are you mad or what, no it's Friday I'll call you Monday. And oh while we are in the rhythm here is another court date for you that someone has alleged you have abused said animal. July 6th. (mother of Christ). Judge you are just signing something saying (it's a witness accident form and she has authorized it) that you are sure it was an accident. Yes but someone else is saying they believe it wasn't an accident so that has to be answered to............who made the complaint? Em the person you had a problem with (name) THE BLOODY LANDLORD SNAKE IN THE GRASS

When I got back i text him the paper with his name on it and said oh look they have given a date already.......
he said that won't happen I will be withdrawing that I already told you I didn't know what I was singing ........and then rang me and tried to get me to say......what happened to you that day with the dog?? Do one mate we ain't talking (probably trying to get a confessional out of me)

I've text him that the reality is I have a charge against me with his name on it and the reality is my dog is in Jail (he is not a good mixer)

FUUUUMING. .....

Calmer after writing that though.....

And my mind is on sports and heavy bag hitting rather any intoxications. But I did feel like I was going to ******* explode.