owen90

On day 5 since I last embarrassed myself on here and I feel like this is going to be an endless lifelong struggle. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde where I flip-flop between an insane blackout drunk with no worries and a quiet, boring sober dude who worries too much. There doesn't seem to be a happy middle ground.

A big issue is not being able to use alcohol to unwind from stress. I lift weights and work out 3/4 times per week, I eat pretty well and try mindfulness and meditation but none of it compares to a relaxing rum & coke after a tough day at work or a tough day in general.

To be honest, I'm getting tired of riding this endlessly looping crazy train that constantly jerks my emotions from different extremes to the other. Physically, I feel fine. Probably the best I have looked and felt in a decade. Mentally and emotionally I am unstable at best, even when sober. I tend to fixate on the negative aspects of everything as if I am looking for something to be unhappy about for no apparent reason.

Not sure what the question is, I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry for the downer.Thanks to all who gave me advice in my previous recent threads, it does help and I read it all.

I hope everyone is doing okay today. All the best,

Owen

tomls

It does take a while but it is so worth what you have to go through to get there. You didn't get in the shape that you are in over night.

Bunker

AI totally understand. I am on day 15 for the umptieth time. I have done 4 months, 6 months, a personal best of 10 months. I always end up in the same place again. I guess I have decided to just try and try and try again. Perhaps one day it will stick.

C0ntr0ls

Unfortunately I didn't stop until I was REALLY tired of all the drama I was creating with my drinking. But when I finally got to that point life became so much better after some time. The only expectation I had was to not drink and accept whatever else came my way good or bad. I mean, I created this effing mess over time so figured it was going to take time reduce it.
I have become a lot happier over time and have let a lot of stuff go that I used to think I could control that I really couldn't.
Again life is 100x+ better for me at least. Sorry for rambling.
Good Luck and keep going.

DriGuy

I understand and I thought the same thing. The surprising thing is that it is not. It's actually farther from a struggle than I could imagine. It's more like a dance, where you actively participate just for the enjoyment. There's no way for a practicing alcoholic to know this, because for an addict, it seems incomprehensible. I fought reality for years, trying to create reality, rather than accepting it. There was something about not drinking that was deeply disturbing.

I finally surrendered. I actually hate that word, because it's sounds like virtue signaling, but you can also think of it as just giving up your own bull$hit. And when I did that, I was on my way. For me the transformation was quick. Many take longer before the truth sinks in.

I went to AA expecting to see a bunch of sweaty drunks moaning about how hard life was without alcohol, only to see the group was 95% mostly happy and free. So what's the trade off? What's missing from my life as a sober person? Well, I'll tell you. The misery is gone, as is the shame and the guilt. And I don't have that deep down feeling that I'm a loser. The self hatred is gone, and the self sabotage. I look back at who I was when I was drunk every night and sometimes wonder, "Who was that guy?" Really! It seems like that was someone else.

OK, it's a struggle for the first week or two, but not for the rest of your life.

Delilah1

Those emotions will level out, you just need to give yourself time. The problem with the back and forth between drinking and periods of sobriety is your body never gets a chance to regulate back to a normal state, and honestly it increases the anxiety, I say this as someone who did this for several years before finally making the commitment to stick it out no matter what, I am now five years sober, and life is so much better.

Hawkeye13

The despair, sadness, and guilt slowly lifted the longer I was sober. The compulsion to drink and cravings also lessen. Even with relapses, I have been able to grow in peace and mental stability.

It really does get better. I now view sobriety as a gift, not a life sentence to not drink. Keep going and get additional support like short term counseling if you can. I also found daily journaling out some of my stress, pain and confusion cathartic.

You can do this owen.

biminiblue

The only way out is continuous sober time, Owen. I know that's what you want.

Make it so.

Mizz

The cycles get real troublesome. I can relate.
You can most definitely put this behind you. Do you have a "plan" in place?

Surrendered19

You cannot embarrass yourself in front of us Owen. We wrote the whole encyclopedia of Stupid Stuff We Did Drunk. It is a work that includes several volumes and the chapters that feature my shenanigans are legend.

You are good here. I'm sorry you are feeling down, but that won't last. Also man, one of these times you are going to lose the choice to quit. You won't be able to or you will be forced to. Right now, you can stop this madness on your terms but that will not always be the case. Death or incarceration also accomplish lasting quits but those options are decidedly NOT on your terms.

Hang in there Owen.

Soberween

Always keep in mind that drinking isn't the problem, it is the solution. You need to dig deep and determine why you need alcohol to block out these feelings that are causing you anxiousness at the end of a work day. You need to go through those feelings each day instead of trying to escape them through alcohol. Think of yourself as a child. You didn't need alcohol to get through your day. Unfortunately, your brain is now wired to associate alcohol as an elixir to all things that cause you discomfort. You need to work on rewiring your brain back to the real you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the drinking of a rum and coke to decompress is a learned behavior that worked great in the beginning, but it apparently is no longer working as you wouldn't be trying to stop. Remember this is a deadly disease. For me, I was able to get sober once I rewired my brain and truly wanted to be sober more than I wanted to continue drinking.

Anna

Owen, it will take more than 5 days for your emotions to even out. Patience in early recovery is so important. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions without alcohol numbing me and it was challenging, but I got there and you will too.

SnazzyDresser

I totally identify with this feeling. I thought the world would run over a nothing-person like my imagined sober self, run him over and leave him for roadkill without thinking twice. But that was a lie that the drunk me told me (a distorted version of me who wasn't actually as awesome and worry-free as he pretended to be btw).

The tricky part is, you can only get to the authentic version of yourself by calling out the lie, standing up for yourself and rejecting the old drunk version by taking away his fuel, the poison that would gladly kill you. And this process of discovery doesn't happen overnight either. It takes a few weeks/months/years of painstaking effort to get comfortable with the sober you, but it's worth all the grief getting there. Because after all, that's a real place that's worth being.

Nonsensical

Don't believe everything you feel.

Congrats on 5 days sober. Keep it going!

brighterday1234

My advice would be to read the book Alcoholics Anonymous focussing on the early part of the book.

Hevyn

Owen - I can only echo what everyone has already said - the uncomfortable feelings will ease up. I drank 30 yrs. & felt very disoriented in the early days. We're learning to live in a new way - be kind & patient with yourself. I'm a different person now than I was when first sober. The joy of being free of it will kick in.

GreatInquiry7

I relate to this - healthy physically, have a good routine. From the outside things look great.

But internally, things used to be a mess. Always focusing on negatives (still do that to a big extent, but working on it), and worry about things far more than the "normal" person. Meditation and stuff helped, I tried it all.

And then when it came to drinking, that overactive mind could shut off and while it "felt good" in the moment, it ended in embarrassment, and a lot of other things. Not only that, it stopped me from confronting the issues I had to deal with without alcohol - which I've dealt with a good bit now.

Ultimately - I personally always thought: maybe I can control it better "this" time. But that never happened. Stopping never "stuck" for me until I admitted to myself that I am the type of person that will 100% never be able to drink normally, and the more I do it the worse the drinking episodes will get.

After that point, there's a lot of work to be done, but I will tell you for me - life is 100x better sober, with a lot less worrying overall.

novips

I can relate. FWIW, I simply could not get to the other side of that sober anxiety till I worked the Steps. Based on my experience, I think the following two Big Book quotes are right on point:

1. "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.... They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks--drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand--once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." (BB, pp. xxviii-xxix.)

2. "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps ...." (BB, p. 60.")

Dee74

Hi Owen

I gave up at least weekly, many times more than that, for about 15 years. Eventually I ‘got it’ - you will too

Congrats on 5 days

D

least

You can break the endless hopeless cycle. You've jumped off the crazy train, now just don't get back on.