comtnman740

Hey guys,
I think this is my toughest challenge to date and it's hitting me almost 4 years in. I decided to get into a relationship shortly after i got sober which i've heard is a major no no but i did it anyway. We fell instantly for each other developed an intimate relationship along with a friendship and moved in together after dating a little over a year. We traveled all over Colorado and i divulged to her that i was sober. I introduced her to the program and she began going to Al-Anon. After about 2 years we moved up to Northern Colorado together and things slowly fell apart. Many of you may know that i suffered from an itching condition that i still deal with to an extent today but that killed our relationship. She thought it was in my head and i went to a therapist. There was no relief there and it really caused a division between us in fact we moved into separate places so i could figure it out. Needless to say i still haven't found an answer but i take fish oil and allegra which seems to help the allergies i face occasionally. I get so angry thinking about this rediculous thing that seemed to torpedo our relationship. I'm still trying to come to terms with the breakup and it's been 10 months. I am even more heartbroken because it seems like she's already started dating someone else. I try to pray for forgiveness and hope that i lose these feelings for her because somedays they eat me alive. Being in love with someone that not only wants nothing to do with you but has already moved on makes me feel pretty small. Anyway guys alot of what i'm writing is self pity and i know that it does me no good. I just needed to vent. How do you just turn off the feelings you have for someone? I feel like what i need to do is try to do some service to focus on someone else. I know everyone on here has probably gone through something similar. Would love to hear feedback. Thanks guys!
Garrison

FreeOwl

Hi comtnman! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and your loss. It's great you're able to face this in sobriety, though.... because it's all that harder if we're drunk!!!

Some of your comments suggest to me that you may be having trouble accepting the end of your relationship. I've found it helpful in past situations like that to actually have myself a ceremony. Mark the end. Come to terms with it. Look it right in the eye and say "I accept that this is a chapter of my life which has closed". Write out all your anger and frustration.... then burn that paper.... spread those ashes to the wind and say aloud "I WELCOME THIS NEW CHAPTER!!! I GIVE THANKS FOR THE GOODNESS OF THE EXPERIENCE!!!! I RELEASE THE ANGER!! I FORGIVE!!!!".

Realize that the end of a relationship is never something to own as a personal failing. Relationships end. Whether through death or the realization that they've come to their natural end. This is a normal part of life as a human being. That doesn't mean it's not painful - but it also means you can honor yourself by stepping back and realizing that's part of this ride. Being in love with someone who is no longer in love with you is totally within your control. You need only to let them go and move on. Easier said than done? Well... sure... but it begins by SAYING it. And it progresses through your continued affirmation and actions to move on.

Just like alcohol.

You moved on from that relationship.

Now, your work is to move on from this one.

And the work is yours.... not hers. She's already moved on. And that's OK. She's honoring her truth.

Time for you to do the same.

Hang out with us.

Work your own self.

You can be in love with YOU....

Try that for a bit.

comtnman740

Thanks for your input Free Owl. Reading it was like taking a spoonful of acid but i suppose it's the truth. I appreciate the tips. I'll do this in my own time and do my best. Something like this occurring in my life just makes love seem so cheap to me. I truly believe she still loves me but i know that doesn't help me to think that way. Acceptance is the key to all of my problems. It's not easy. My grandparents were married for 50+ years and they loved each other. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother many times and they still made it work. They loved each other. Anyway Free Owl you're not going to know the full story but i believe if love is true you don't throw it in the garbage.

Anna

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling Garrison. And, you're right acceptance is the key. As you said, it will take time to recover from the breakup.

doggonecarl

I understand heartbreak. And I understand that time takes time. But I am curious about what it is you are heartbroken about.

So this isn't sudden. Your relationship has been in the decline for a while. You even chose to live separately for a while. And you've been broken up for 10 months. So are you mourning the loss of "what could have been"? That's gone. And has been for months.

Ruminating about a past love is often idealized. Like a fantasy. At some point you'll get tired carrying a torch for her.

FreeOwl

That's a fine and an admirable belief. That said - Love doesn't get put in the garbage when togetherness ends. We live in a different time than your grandparents did. We live in a world filled with different challenges. Love journeys are different. Partnerships are different. They don't always continue on through cheating and hard times. Love can be held in heart for someone, even after we no longer are with that person......

I guess what I'm saying is - I hear you, I empathize with you, and I even agree with the sentiment. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be looking at my own suffering and how my choice and my attachment to my view of how life SHOULD be is prolonging my suffering.....

Hang in there my friend in sobriety..... heartbreak is always hard. But it WILL be OK.

advbike

I cannot really be of help as I have an attachment disorder and separation anxiety, probably caused by childhood loss. It plagues all of my serious relationships, which I tend to jump into really fast and then have difficulty getting out of.

But I can say from personal expperience that it is really important not to idealize the other person, as Carl mentions. That was what I would always do and it prolongs the agony and grief immensely.

She is just one person out of many that could be a good fit for you. She is not necessarily the perfect person for you, your soulmate, etc. All those feelings are caused by brain chemicals - Dopamine at first, then Oxytocin and Serotonin. But they light up our emotions and then we create thoughts around those emotions. The bonding caused by Oxytocin can last a long time, but as others have said, it's best to let go. Especially for your self esteem.

If there is any interest on her part she will contact you at some point but it's best to move on now. At least get out there and get the Dopamine receptors fired up again. You'd be surprised how well that works.

BeABetterMan

Comtnman, I'm going to reply to your post later. I really struggle with this as well and have some nuggets for you to consider or at least I can share how my struggles relate.

comtnman740

@ Carl
I'm heartbroken because of something she said to me on our 3rd Anniversary. "Thanks for showing me how to love" Now i surmise she's already with someone new. That hurts tremendously. I'm heartbroken because i feel that we had so much potential. The chemistry was great and for the first time in my life I had a best friend and lover. When i got the news that a huge legal problem was coming to end i texted her to thank for her for her support. This was the biggest moment this year for me. 20 months of staying sober through that was not easy. The response i got from her was congratulations, i'm in recovery and we can't be friends. Which was a big reason we broke up. She had many failed relationships in the past and as hard as it was needed to end our relationship and work on herself. Well now i find out she's already with someone new. I'm heartbroken about that because i feel like that it was just an excuse to end the relationship. Look folks this is all ego and i admit that. She is at the top of the my 4th step now because of a number of things. I'm working my way through that. As far as the pain i work everyday to not dwell on the past. I don't want to carry the pain but in some twisted way it feels good..if that makes any sense. I appreciate all of the support from you guys. I feel like i need to get back into service work with the program. Maybe pick up a sponsee or something. I need to get out of myself. Pride and ego are huge character defects for me.
Thanks again!

trailmix

It's interesting that you take her self work she wanted to do, which turned out to be getting in to another relationship as a reflection on you. It reminds me of stories (I mostly post in friends and family of alcoholics) where the alcoholic will break up with their partner and tell them they need to work on themselves and they need to do that on their own etc. Then the partner will find out a few months later that the alcoholic started drinking after getting out of rehab or never quit. Although their intention might have been strong, it just didn't work out that way.

Is that a reflection on their partner? A failure on the self-work the alcoholic seemed to intend? I see it as the latter - although "failure" isn't really what it is, it's just being human. We all have great intentions but sometimes those don't always pan out.

Another parallel is when someone says they are going to do the work, then goes back out. Why didn't they come back then, was that all just talk? Well, I don't mean to sound harsh nor to criticize her at all, but there is probably a good reason she has had "many" failed relationships, this may be her M.O. and you are now part of that path she walks.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Hang in there!

BeABetterMan

Comtnman, the pain of what your describing is absolutely agonizing because it tugs at us from so many directions. Self worth, codependency, addiction, abandonment, hope, fear, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion. A difficult break-up is tremendously difficult to overcome. I'm still recovering from one and I could write volumes on it. The truth about mine though, is that deep down, I probably don't want the woman that is the source of my sadness and pain. I have spent a great deal of time obsessing over "what she's doing now". My ex has some serious issues and is not well, so I have to remember that her behavior is not a reflection on me. Which is SO much easier to say than do. And unlike your relationship, I carry a great deal of responsibility for why it didn't work. The hard truth is that (we) you have to move on. There are several things that help me cope. I tell myself it is over. IT IS OVER. If something happens in life and our lives cross again then so be it, but that is out of my control and I will not spend a second trying to make that a reality. And the more time I get between it and now, the less I want our lives to cross again. I read (listened) to some books about codependency. I am a lot more codependent than I thought. I focus on recovery. Another, more controversial approach, is to think about mingling with other women. My ex does that, she falls into bed with more than a couple guys to cope with hard things and to get over exes. And while her long term wellness is not helped, she seems to bounce back pretty well from heartache. I don't do that, BUT I did have a woman I loved very much and ached over for months until I met another great woman. And those feelings I had for the first certainly faded tremendously. You will get over this woman.

Getting over an ex takes time. It just is what it is. And it's ok to give yourself some time to mourn the loss. In one of the books I read it prescribed an almost tapering method. Where at first you would allow yourself to think about your ex and the loss for 20 minutes a day. Slowly you would taper down until you didn't even need to taper anymore. That worked for me. There is a line in a song that really resonates with me. It says, "when it hurts this good you got to play it twice." The feeling of love is a strong one. So is the feeling of loss. When someone we are so attached to leaves our life there is a void. Physically and emotionally. The peaks and valleys of our feelings are all muted. We can't get as happy as we used to and we use our built-in protection methods to prevent us from feeling too low. But sometimes we need to feel alive (without substance), so we choose pain. The pain of thinking of her.

Everything you're saying is totally natural. But you have to find a way to convince yourself of one major truth, what she is doing now is none of your damn concern. Because it has nothing to do with who you are or what you need to do. I talked to my ex not too long ago, she's also in recovery. And in just 10 minutes of talking she lied to me 3 times about various things. I had no business even being on the phone with her. Her path and mine are now divergent. It is my full intent to never speak to her again. And just typing that is really remarkable and tells me that I'm making progress. You will too. It takes time.

Dee74

Hi Garrison

cos I like to think we're friends I'll give it to you straight - good relationships don't break up over itching.

I understand you feel lonely and I understand the heart wants what it wants - I've been captive to my heart before - but you're not required to settle for something that almost worked.

I hope you decide to move on.
I think there's something better in your future.

D