TiredKitty

This is my first post and I don't even know if I should be doing this. I just feel so lost, defeated, and anxious, I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has been struggling with alcohol for years. Well, he used to be a drug addict before we met. Alcohol, pot, mushrooms, coke, acid, pills, anything that didn't require needs. He stopped shortly before we met. We have been together for eight years. The night we met he got a DUI. He was sober for about three months after his arrest before he started to drink again. Two years later, he was arrested again for blowing a 0.04. That didn't stop him. I have vivid memories over the years of him falling down drunk, his breaking stuff or spilling because he was so drunk. When he drinks, I recognize when he is getting to far and instantly get this anxious feeling to get him close to a bed. He gets this look on his face and instantly feel sick to my stomach. There have been plenty of times where he drove when he shouldn't and I feel sick with anxiety over it. All of our nasty fights have been when he was drinking. He has pushed me when he was drunk. He has thrown **** across the room and even at one time threw his wedding ring at me when I told him I wasn't going to continue to be his wife if this was how he was going to treat me. When he is drunk and we fight, he is very persistent on getting me to continue to engage in the conversation no matter how many times I tell him I will continue this conversation in the morning when he's sober.

Then there was the big fight. He drank a 30 pack in twenty-four hours, got kicked out of a bar, and we got into such a huge fight that our neighbors called the cops. He was arrested and lost his job over it. I know that the fight was also about me because we weren't communicating at all and I had a serious shopping problem that caused us to fall behind on all of our bills. When we were able to start putting things straight, he was sober for a couple of months before he started drinking again. Somehow, he got this amazing job that not only paid amazingly, had amazing benefits, and even provided us with the house of our dreams even though he was fired for being arrested for harassment and being drunk.

His drinking continued. So much has happened this years that I have gradually watched his drinking increase. Everyone has said something. My parents. My grandparents. His siblings and his siblings' wives. Our niece and nephew who are under the age of five have noticed. Even his mother has asked his not to drink himself to death. However, he continues to say it's not a problem. That everyone needs to mind his own business. He constantly tells me to mind my own business and he will live his own life. He constantly says that our problems have either nothing to do with or not everything to do with his drinking. Some days it's easier to ignore. Some days it's so easy to just accept that this is how he is and this is the way my life is going to be. However, some days I can't stand it. He tells me that means I am flip-floppy and need to make up my mind of what I want.

Now we get to the point of my story. We have been together eight years, two years of marriage. Our life was on track for everything we wanted as far as debt relief and getting financially stable for the next step in our lives. Then, the call came. He failed his alcohol test at this incredible job he had and he was sent home on paid leave. No surprise, he was fired. His drinking caused us to lose this amazing job. Because he lost his job, we lost an income, we lost our insurance, we lost our employee housing. Because he is currently unemployed and we don't have enough in our savings, we cannot get a loan to purchase a home nor can we get an apartment. We are forced to move in with my parents because we have no idea what else to do. Is moving in with my parents going to destroy my marriage? He gets along with my family but is not afraid to state what he negatively thinks of my family.

Then I get the news today that he wants to drink the remaining beer that is in the fridge so we don't have to move it! After he was fired, he told me he was staying sober for the time being. I didn't realize the time being meant 3 weeks. I don't know what to do. Half the time I feel like I am on autopilot. The house I love is being taken away. All our plans are now being pushed back or disappearing. Everything feels like it is falling on me and he tells me he's gonna drinking tonight! He is tearing our life apart and he is going to drink. When we finally told his family, they all immediately knew it was because of alcohol.

I feel very lost and confused and beaten down. I love him with all my heart and that heart is breaking over this situation. I do see a therapist once a week, but it still feels like I am walking through this cloud. I feel like I have to sit back, accept the situation and what he is going to do, and move on. I love who he is when he is sober, but when he is drinking I have three different personalities that I anxiously wait to see: angry, funny, or loner. Which one? Can I keep going? When is it enough? When does love not conquer all?

Sober45

Hello TiredKitty and welcome to SR

From what you say It doesn’t sound like he has any intentions of stopping at all. Continuing as you are will probably enable his addiction even further. And with that the behaviour issues could escalate. Also, you deserve the time and solitude to work on your own issues. Put yourself first.

Im glad that you have a family you can rely on.

sending hopeful reassuring vibes your way

Anna

Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.

You do not have to sit back and accept the situation. You can make the choice to move on with your life if you want to. It doesn't sound as if your husband has an intention to stop drinking. Do you want to live the rest of your life in this situation or do you want to move on? I hope you make the choice to take care of yourself.

ironwill

Hi TiredKitty,

Sorry for what brings you to SR. First of all take some deep breaths. I'm sure your emotions are going all over the place and you are having a hard time thinking straight. You Husband does has a problem with Alcohol even if he dosen't think so. He may be able to stop drinking for a short time. But trust me he is always thinking about that next drink. He is just looking for an excuse (we have to move so i drink the beer so we don't have to move it) He is not going to get better and only going to get worse the longer he drinks. You can talk all you want to him. Plead for him to stop. He has to want to do it himself. From what you have written those are not in the cards. Even if he did from the way it sounds it is going to take a while for him to get better and he has to get help.

What you need to do is focus on yourself. I know you love him. But do you love the person he is becoming. There are three C's you need to know. You didn't Cause this. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it. I know you feel like everything is falling down around you and that their is nothing you can do. Trust me that you will get through this. You had the strength to come here and tell your story, you have the strength to learn what alcohol can do and what you can do about it. There are a lot of great people that want to help on the board. You have to just keep posting and listening what people say. Keep being strong and have a good night. We are here for you.

least

Welcome to the family. The question I would ask myself, if I were in your shoes, is - how much am I willing to put up with?? I can understand that you still feel love for him, but wouldn't it be nicer if you had a peaceful life without a tantrum-throwing toddler for a husband?

An old boyfriend of mine was a heavy drinker and used to start fights with me while he was drinking. After too many fights, I had enough and threw him out. It took a while to get used to living on my own again and fall out of love with him, but my life got a lot better without him and his uncertainty.

I hope you'll do the right thing for yourself. You deserve better.

fini

hello TiredKitty,
yes, you have to accept the situation as far as that this is the way it is.
with him.
that this is what hevis doing/not doing, and you cannot change him or his actions.
what you can change is your own actions, reactions, make decisions for yourself about how YOU will continue.
here is a link:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, TiredKitty! I'm sorry for what you're going through but I'm glad you found us here. I hope you'll stick around. You're in a bad situation for sure. You'd think that consequences would make a drunk stop drinking but they don't. You'd think the love of a good woman and the life you have together would make a drunk want to stop, but it doesn't. An alcoholic drinks because he's an alcoholic. You can talk to him, reason with him, argue with him, but eventually you'll have to decide for yourself where your "line in the sand" is. He will stop if and when he wants to stop, and nothing you do is likely to change him. He has to want to change.

I would absolutely suggest you look into Al-Anon. It can be a big help at saving your sanity and help you understand things. Please know that none of this is your fault! He drinks because he's a drunk and not because of anything you have said or done.

Steely

I don't think he has any intention of stopping. He might drink even more now that he's lost his job, house, benefits, etc. To face these sorts of losses and rebuild is going to take sobriety, and a new mindset. I think he's chosen to drink instead. Drink to avoid, and to hide from the reality of what has happened. Don't get me wrong, I've done the same, but saw the light and no longer drink. Life is so much better.

I can only repeat what others have said; make contact with Al-Anon, whose members are going through, or been through, the same as yourself. We also have a Forum here on SR for Friends and Family where you can post and read of others experience and receive advice and support. It will help to know you are not alone.

Would it be workable for you to go to your parents, and he to look after himself elsewhere? Will your parents be willing to tolerate his drinking? This should, imo, be the groundrule for him moving there with you.

You've both suffered enormous losses, yet still he continues. You deserve better than this, and really hope you start to put yourself first. Maybe it will be the wake up call he needs. Hard to hear, but you are not going to get him to stop. Only he can do that.

I'm so very sorry you are having to endure such selfishness ❤️ And I'm an alcoholic. Sober.

Be123

Hi TK

I was your husband. So much of the behaviour you describe could have been applied to me. I was horrible to my wife for many years, a situation that went of for so long until she found the strength to leave me.

It wasn't all bad, and I loved her (and still do) more than words can say. That's the absurdity of what my situation was as an alcoholic husband. I wanted the best for her, I loved her, but I could not stop drinking. And the drink alongside my low mood, anxiety, obsession with alcohol and my huge resentments made me awful to live with.

I feel huge remorse about my behaviour - I would give almost anything to go back and change it. But here is the kicker...I didn't change it. In my odd moments of clarity I could see what was going on but I didn't stop drinking. In one sense I COULDNT stop, it wasn't related to my love for her, I was addicted.

I haven't had a drink since the day she said she was leaving me. At first I hoped to win her back but as time has gone by I have become resigned to our separation and my sobriety has become about me, my kids and my own well being. I believe that her breaking our codependency was vital to breaking my addiction.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe it's to reassure you that his behaviour isn't about you, he may well love you and need you as much as ever. But it's also to explain how my addict behaviour worked. I now wish my wife had left me much earlier, I couldn't stop my drinking but she could have left me to it!! I'd certainly have less to regret now, and who knows maybe with a break in the codependency I may have been prompted to stop.

One thing is for true in our relationship , I could not have improved my behaviour and been a husband worthy of her when I was drinking. As the sober one she was the only one who could protect herself from me, and in retrospect the ONLY way she could have done that was by putting her own emotions first and leaving. My love was not stronger than the chemical I was ingesting 😞

lessgravity

So sorry to hear what you have and continue to endure. Alcohol makes fools, shameful, selfish and cruel fools, out of the best of us. I hope your husband can get his life together for you and your families. He owes it to you, but it's a debt often not paid. Plenty of wisdom and support on these boards. Welcome.