I miss my husband
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 1
I miss my husband
Hi - My husband went to rehab for the month of April. He has been sober ever since which I am grateful for, but I did not expect to feel so lonely.
Ever since he got out of rehab he has been cold, distant, angry, short-tempered, self-centered...the list could go on and on. The weird thing is that he is only that way with me. I watch him interact with other people and he seems happy, but with me he seems miserable. He says he loves me but he acts like he doesn't even want to be around me. We have no intimacy, no fun, no connection. Help!
Ever since he got out of rehab he has been cold, distant, angry, short-tempered, self-centered...the list could go on and on. The weird thing is that he is only that way with me. I watch him interact with other people and he seems happy, but with me he seems miserable. He says he loves me but he acts like he doesn't even want to be around me. We have no intimacy, no fun, no connection. Help!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Welcome! I'm glad your husband is sober.
I'm sorry you feel that your husband is being distant. Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? If so, and there's been no change, I'm not sure there is much you can do. You could try AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Have you considered couples counselling?
I'm sorry you feel that your husband is being distant. Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? If so, and there's been no change, I'm not sure there is much you can do. You could try AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Have you considered couples counselling?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
When I got sober two and a half years ago I was all those things to my husband as well. Unfortunately it is why relapses are so common because it feels awful to feel so disconnected and out of touch. I honestly felt like I was incapable of love anymore. It takes the brain a long time to heal and start producing its own happiness and contentment. .
It is definitely why I really struggled with relapsing for years because I felt so disengaged and uncomfortable. I often felt unworthy and ashamed.
Life is very different for me now. It really shows that time heals. Like Anna suggested, take the time to talk to him. It is important that he knows how you are feeling. It is very hard for the alcoholic to make someone understand what they are going through. It is awesome that he is still sober but you do not need to suffer for it.
It is definitely why I really struggled with relapsing for years because I felt so disengaged and uncomfortable. I often felt unworthy and ashamed.
Life is very different for me now. It really shows that time heals. Like Anna suggested, take the time to talk to him. It is important that he knows how you are feeling. It is very hard for the alcoholic to make someone understand what they are going through. It is awesome that he is still sober but you do not need to suffer for it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Welcome to the family. 
Early recovery can be hard on the addict, but also hard on those around him/her. I would also suggest getting some support for yourself. AlAnon is support for the alcoholic's loved ones who are impacted by the alcoholic's actions.
I hope you can get some support for yourself.
Early recovery can be hard on the addict, but also hard on those around him/her. I would also suggest getting some support for yourself. AlAnon is support for the alcoholic's loved ones who are impacted by the alcoholic's actions.I hope you can get some support for yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Inaru 
Welcome to SR. I never went to rehab but I struggled with how to be sober, and happy, for a while.
Since April is a while though...
Have you tried to raise this with him at all?
D
Welcome to SR. I never went to rehab but I struggled with how to be sober, and happy, for a while.
Since April is a while though...
Have you tried to raise this with him at all?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Inaru 
Hi - My husband went to rehab for the month of April. He has been sober ever since which I am grateful for, but I did not expect to feel so lonely.
Ever since he got out of rehab he has been cold, distant, angry, short-tempered, self-centered...the list could go on and on. The weird thing is that he is only that way with me. I watch him interact with other people and he seems happy, but with me he seems miserable. He says he loves me but he acts like he doesn't even want to be around me. We have no intimacy, no fun, no connection. Help!
Ever since he got out of rehab he has been cold, distant, angry, short-tempered, self-centered...the list could go on and on. The weird thing is that he is only that way with me. I watch him interact with other people and he seems happy, but with me he seems miserable. He says he loves me but he acts like he doesn't even want to be around me. We have no intimacy, no fun, no connection. Help!
i did the same thing to my husband. I was thinking well look, you got what you wanted but I’m going to make damned sure you know this is about me, NOT YOU. Last thing I wanted was for him to have anything to do with my sobriety. Then, I wasn’t sure I liked him, I was mad at him, I was uncomfortable around him, I had to burn down the old and create the new, and I didn’t want to do that, didn’t know how to do that, and I’m still not sure what my relationship is about now, because before; drinking is what bound us. Now, I am self aware and able to handle my life. I think I’m in a phase where I WANT to handle it all myself. Which crowds a man out, sometimes. He’s mostly patient but I still don’t know who I married, not really.
Just some thoughts. Give him space. Let him know you miss him and love him, then back off. I went a month without speaking to my husband after my dad died/ about 1.5 years into sobriety. He was bewildered. To me, it felt normal.
it’s common. However, YOU have boundaries and needs, too. Frame what you need from him. And tell him. And then, work on yourself for awhile, while he figures out his new relationship with you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Inaru
Welcome to SR. I never went to rehab but I struggled with how to be sober, and happy, for a while.
Since April is a while though...
Have you tried to raise this with him at all?
D
Welcome to SR. I never went to rehab but I struggled with how to be sober, and happy, for a while.
Since April is a while though...
Have you tried to raise this with him at all?
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Glad you joined us, Inaru.
When I first got sober, I felt like I was learning to live again in a while new way. Drinking had been part of everything I did - it was really difficult to adjust in the beginning. I was a little resentful & disoriented - even though I was grateful to be sober. Rebuilding our lives is challenging. I think we're a little scared, too - that we might not be able to maintain our sobriety, or that we'll never feel happy again. It took me a few months to let go of feeling sorry for myself and to focus on the whole new life I had before me. Your husband may think that he can be himself with you and not put on an act - not realizing how it's making you feel.
As Dee asked - have you discussed this with him? He may not realize how he's coming across. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time.
When I first got sober, I felt like I was learning to live again in a while new way. Drinking had been part of everything I did - it was really difficult to adjust in the beginning. I was a little resentful & disoriented - even though I was grateful to be sober. Rebuilding our lives is challenging. I think we're a little scared, too - that we might not be able to maintain our sobriety, or that we'll never feel happy again. It took me a few months to let go of feeling sorry for myself and to focus on the whole new life I had before me. Your husband may think that he can be himself with you and not put on an act - not realizing how it's making you feel.
As Dee asked - have you discussed this with him? He may not realize how he's coming across. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time.
Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,973
Hi Inaru:
Unfortunately we are toughest on those we are closest to. It isn’t fair. If it goes on too long, there needs to be a discussion. Is he resentful? Are you? Any major things you two need to discuss?
Some random anger from him might be PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) (often mellow by six months, some symptoms can linger to two years)
That’s all I’ve got.
Be well.
Unfortunately we are toughest on those we are closest to. It isn’t fair. If it goes on too long, there needs to be a discussion. Is he resentful? Are you? Any major things you two need to discuss?
Some random anger from him might be PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) (often mellow by six months, some symptoms can linger to two years)
That’s all I’ve got.
Be well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
It may depend on what he is doing for treatment. Is he actively following a program? In AA, working with a sponsor? Maybe some other program?
Drinking is a symptom of alcoholism. Its like back pain coming from something wrong with the back or spine or disk or whatever. The pain is a symptom, you can treat the symptom with pain killers but the back is still misaligned or whatever. Drink is like the pain killer for alcoholism while treatment is like the back surgery. Except with alcoholism most of us need continued treatment. Eventually in the form of working with other alcoholics.
Rehab can clean people up and dry em out. The treatment in rehab is only a beginning though. Its usually not something that just gets fixed in a month or so. If we go on untreated and dry we are usually just restless, irritable, and discontent.
Drinking is a symptom of alcoholism. Its like back pain coming from something wrong with the back or spine or disk or whatever. The pain is a symptom, you can treat the symptom with pain killers but the back is still misaligned or whatever. Drink is like the pain killer for alcoholism while treatment is like the back surgery. Except with alcoholism most of us need continued treatment. Eventually in the form of working with other alcoholics.
Rehab can clean people up and dry em out. The treatment in rehab is only a beginning though. Its usually not something that just gets fixed in a month or so. If we go on untreated and dry we are usually just restless, irritable, and discontent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
Inaru, you could also try just giving him some space. I am the same way at times and sometimes we need space. I think if my wife was to give me space and ignore me it would make me want her more. Opposite would be if she was always checking in and giving too little space it would push me away. Something to think about.
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