sugarbear1

Everything you will learn will be about the different processes we go through learning to live sober.

You can do this, too!!! Glad you found Sober Recovery!

LumenandNyx

What you wrote here is very attention grabbing because it's accurate. It is my deepest and most firm belief that you will not be successful at stopping drinking until you encounter something that causes you to sincerely want to stop for good. Wanting to stop 100% will enable you to be successful. Wanting to stop at 92% will not cut it. It's all or nothing.

I've been to nine inpatient treatment centers, I don't know how many outpatient treatment centers, I've tried quitting on my own countless times for 1000 different reasons and I've even lived in an Oxford House (sober living house). Not a damn thing worked. I was like a freight train without a conductor. And if I happened to be coming your way - MOVE.

I managed to quit once for a little over a year and a half. But I moved to a big city at that point and immediately relapsed. Today, I'm coming up on 5 months sober, which is not a lot of time compared to my boyfriend who has nearly 27 years without a drug or a drink. He won't even use mouthwash that has alcohol in it. I'm not quite that hardcore, but I sure do respect his relationship with alcohol. It did a number on him and it did a number on me. I can't stand that **** anymore. Not one good thing ever resulted in my drinking and by the end of it - I was puking up water in a trashcan next to my bed and I was having to crawl to the bathroom because my withdrawals were so bad, I couldn't make my legs walk. It was TERRIBLE.

I remember once, after another heavy night of drinking, I woke up with the DTs again and discovered to my great dismay that I had no alcohol in my house. NOT GOOD. One of the last things any alcoholic wants to have to do during withdrawal is jump in the car to go buy more alcohol, but that's exactly what I had to do. By the time I made it home with my wine, my legs refused to support me anymore and I had to schooch down a flight of about 15 cement stairs on my butt to get to my front door. And by the time I got inside, I couldn't have cared less about finding a glass. I had to get that liquid into my belly ASAP and poured it down my throat with two trembling hands. AND I STILL KEPT DRINKING - FOR YEARS. I'd already been to maybe 4 treatment centers by then. I knew EXACTLY what was causing my illness that morning, and yet - DAMN. It gets sooooooo awful.

Alcohol just isn't that cool to warrant that kind of sickness. You know what I mean? And once a person realizes they have a tangible problem with it - it only gets worse. I guarantee you that not one alcoholic on this board will tell you that their alcoholism ever got better. It's literally an 'effing hell hole. And it's a deep one at that. You might be able to keep drinking for another 20 years. And you will be one sorry woman if you do.

All my best.

Hellobella

Thanks for sharing Lumen. I'm sorry that you have gone through all that. Those are terrifying moments.
I'm glad you and your boy are doing so well. 5months is a long time

I actually hit rock bottom about 6 years ago. When I didn't know, I had a drinking problem. A date with my ex led to a huge crazy drunken physical fight at home, and my roommate called the police on us (cause I was holding a knife). In the end, my ex went to jail that night for me because they needed to separate and take one of us down to the station. He told me it was the most horrifying thing ever. Maybe if I went in that night, I would have quit drinking then.

A year later, I went boating with some people that I barely knew. Got super wasted super fast. Blackout. The only flashback I got was crawling on the dock. The next thing I knew was that I woke up on my couch. One of the girls told me one of the guys wanted to take me home, but she wouldn't let him. Thank god for that.

Many more similar stories...

Those were so long ago that I haven't thought about them. I called that the dark period of my life. I'm so silly to think that I have it under control now since I don't deliberately binge drink anymore.

My boyfriend who just left me, used to be a drug addict. One day, He decided to become sober and never touch it again. He believes in will power and change. He has been fine with alcohol, so he always believes that I could learn to control the amount I drink.

It's so challenging cause alcohol is so accessible and socially accepted. I've been avoiding to go to clubs, but mofo about missing experience with my boyfriend. It is so hard to believe that he is actually gone. We have gone through way crazier fights in person. I did push him to his limit.

Hellobella

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
I will keep posting here and keep everyone updated.

Been listening to affirmations pod to help me through all the pain and emotions I have been feeling.
open.spotify.com/episode/2DRDyTgDD3kpQQXs0ocl38?si=_of_8cSKQm2aR-IoK_TawQ

I hope this will help others as well

LumenandNyx

Bella,

You wrote, "My boyfriend who just left me, used to be a drug addict. One day, He decided to become sober and never touch it again. He believes in will power and change. He has been fine with alcohol, so he always believes that I could learn to control the amount I drink."

I too believe in will power and some people can just stop using their drug of choice. I've been through countless medical detoxes, yet I still continued to drink until I finally just stopped on my own without any help from anything or anyone. And it was brutal.

No one on the planet knows my body better than I do when it comes to feelings, cravings, illness, and sensations. I'm the one stuck inside my body - not anyone else. So, ultimately, being HONEST with myself about how alcohol made me feel was what resulted in my decision to quit swallowing the stuff for good. It does nothing but make me sick and crazy.

MaximusD

Bella, just keep up the quit. You said that now that the BF is gone the quitting was for nothing. that is NOT how you should think about it. The quitting is for you and your health and it benefited both. As for the relationship, you said yourself it was toxic and probably would still be that way if you were sober. Question is, what made it toxic? If it was you and your drinking that made it toxic you will just do it again if you get in another relationship so use this time to work on yourself and your drinking. I have been in a similar situation and getting out of a toxic situation is VERY important and then not recreating another one becomes even more so.

Hellobella

It must have been very challenging for you to do that on your own. You must be proud of yourself that you have done that.
So true, no one else but yourself can make the change.
4 out of 5 times, I will be good. I will be fun and happy. It's that 5th time that I will do something regretful.
I have to remind myself of all those 5th times. =calc(var(--rem) * 1px * 1.0625)I hate how I become. I have to make the change!

Hellobella

The relationship itself was toxic to begin with. We both have abandonment issues. He is an avoidant, and can't commit. I'm a codependent and an alcoholic. We have a trauma bond—Roller coaster relationship. When it was good, it was really good; when it was bad, it was really bad. We were never good for an extended period. Although it was toxic, we did have amazing chemistry.

I finally started to understand myself, my behaviour, and my relationship pattern. We had a long in-depth conversation last Monday and a fantastic date. I haven't felt that calm for awhile. I thought things would be uphill from then on. But I screwed it all up on Sunday. I didn't know the fight was that bad cause we had way worse. I do believe that I need time to be by myself to work on myself and my drinking.

It opens up my eyes to hear that I should be quitting for myself and no one else. I want a better life and relationship for myself.
I'm grateful to find this forum. Thank you all for all the quotes.

ImNotThatGuy

Sounds like you're early on in the progression of the disease which is the best time to nip it in the bud. Trust me, over time it will be 3/5, then 2/5, then 1/5, then never -- you'll always be that nasty drunk every single time you pick up a drink.

Good luck to you, and as others have said, stop thinking about your boyfriend. He has nothing to do with it. If you get sober, it will be for you.

fini

so glad to hear you want better for yourself, Bella!
it’s achievable, and for you

and, btw, i believe in willpower, too. it’s just that trying to “conquer” my alcoholism-drinking with willpower alone was insufficient. and left me fighting myself all the time. divided. and i lost each time.

finally, i gave up fighting and conceded. and now i use my will and willpower to make decisions about what actions i will take to support my ongoing sobriety and my better life

anxiousrock

covid sucks. Its making everyone crazy, even me. I had to make myself a super strict work, diet and exercise schedule to make it as far as I have. While I have drank a few times....its nothing compared to how I used go be so I'm thankful for at least that and I'm working on bettering myself more.

Hellobella

After reading multiple threads and doing some research online, I realized that I could not drink in moderation. I cannot control it.
Wow! It took me this long to realize it now. I thought I was moving forward all these time.

Right now, just seeing ppl drinking on TV gives me a weird sensation.

I could be a bit shy at first, so drinking loosens me up. Ppl love how bubbly I get. That was one of the reasons my boy was attracted to me. The sad part is that I always end up hurting the closest person to me.

I have will power. I just didn't know one drink could be one too many.
This changed my whole perspective.

Hellobella

This is a strange year for sure. Even though it has been tough, I've been learning a lot about myself. It is a good time to reflect, learn and grow.

I'm happy that you are working on yourself.

Hellobella

Oh my god. I can't even imagine 1/5. That will be horrible.

It is hard not to think about him. It's just so fresh and me being codependence lol
My mind is just going through different cycles. I am glad that I'm learning so much about myself through this relationship.

Thank you! Yes, me being sober is for ME

Hellobella

Hi there,
I want to do a quick update. It has been over a month since I last drank. The most challenging part was yesterday. I went boating for the first time since the last incident. It was hard to be in a small, confined space while everyone was drinking. I have to say that it felt like the longest boat trip ever lol I did do a microdose of shroom and enjoyed the scenery.

Dee74

I had to avoid those kinds of situations for a while.

As regards the shrooms, I also think that any situation where you have to take any kind of drug to fit in or enjoy it
is probably not one for someone in early recovery to be in.

D

b0glerd69

I was a binge drinker on a weekly cycle for 20 years. Every Friday was wipe out zone and this eventually transformed into blackout zone. After many years of this, I got sick and tired of trying to piece together fragments of the previous night whilst feeling paranoid and hungover ill and decided enough was enough and it was time to quit. You can do this too, Bella. Hang around here and you will learn a lot about alcohol and addiction. Good Luck

TiredCarpenter

Bella: congrats on not drinking for over a month!

Keep up the good fight.

Hellobella

I agree. I felt out of place there and kept hoping it will end soon.

Hellobella

Thank you everyone! I will keep fighting!