Am at that fork (again)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Am at that fork (again)
Been here on and off for a few years now.
Got complacent and everything went to pot. Thought I had it licked many times but I got dragged back under.
I'm currently going through Hell and my health issues have alerted me to the fact that I could get very ill, very soon.
I'm only 44 and a mother to a wonderful son. Why can't I see that this matters more? Looking for some gentle virtual hugs I guess.
CC
Got complacent and everything went to pot. Thought I had it licked many times but I got dragged back under.
I'm currently going through Hell and my health issues have alerted me to the fact that I could get very ill, very soon.
I'm only 44 and a mother to a wonderful son. Why can't I see that this matters more? Looking for some gentle virtual hugs I guess.
CC
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
((Carpetcleaner)) I have a kid too and when I have the urge to drink I think about what that will lead too down the road. While I have still slipped a few times with this it is getting me to a place of a forever quit. Just never stop trying and youll get it.
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Hi Carpetcleaner. This disease is relentless and I think you are finding that to be true. I'm sorry that you're really struggling right now, but you are not alone. You can do this. Can you add something to your recovery plan to help you stop drinking and recovery? We're here for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Your words are comforting, thank you guys.
This is so hard...
Got a fortnight in Scotland booked soon for walks and fresh air. I know I can be sober for that but it's when I'm at home that's the problem. I will need to re-visit my last plan as it works so well and I think I've just avoided it
I have to do this for my child.
This is so hard...
Got a fortnight in Scotland booked soon for walks and fresh air. I know I can be sober for that but it's when I'm at home that's the problem. I will need to re-visit my last plan as it works so well and I think I've just avoided it
I have to do this for my child.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner 
Your words are comforting, thank you guys.
This is so hard...
Got a fortnight in Scotland booked soon for walks and fresh air. I know I can be sober for that but it's when I'm at home that's the problem. I will need to re-visit my last plan as it works so well and I think I've just avoided it
I have to do this for my child.
This is so hard...
Got a fortnight in Scotland booked soon for walks and fresh air. I know I can be sober for that but it's when I'm at home that's the problem. I will need to re-visit my last plan as it works so well and I think I've just avoided it
I have to do this for my child.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Sohard
yes, you do have to do this for your child. Get yourself into rehab today if you need to. End of story. I am 44. A classmate of mine from high school just died a couple weeks ago from alcoholism. He thought he was going to be able to beat it, one of these days. He died. The last words his two kids said to him were “I love you and happy Father’s Day” over the phone as the nurse held it up. If he could go back in time and stop drinking, I’m sure he would. Don’t be him. Your son loves and needs you. It is unacceptable to not give him the best childhood possible. And that means you have to get sober. Right now. You can do this. You have to do this. Every time you do not pick up a drink you’re one step closer to the life you deserve to lead. I’m praying for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Welcome back CC. I am a father and about the same age, sober for a bit over 2 years now. I did it, primarily for my kid, but then essentially for myself. Everything benefits. You can do it. It takes work but its so worth it in the end. This site alone got me permanently sober. But you need a plan.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi carpetcleaner. I am a father of two girls, but like the rocket scientist I truly am, I drank until I was 54 rather than when you are going to quit for good at age 44!! They are 18 and 16 now and we are healing, but the damage I did to them being an active alcoholic until 8 months ago will forever be with them. It hurt them deeply and those are years that are gone forever and ever.
But not for you. Give up the fight now and live a calm, healthy, peaceful life for you and your son. You both deserve that.
But not for you. Give up the fight now and live a calm, healthy, peaceful life for you and your son. You both deserve that.
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Posts: 105
I'm already drawing strength from these messages, and also remembering what made me want to stop drinking this awful poison.
What utter madness. Been doing this for 25 plus years. The lies, secrecy, hurt, destruction. I'm done
I know we all say that but I think I am there now.
What utter madness. Been doing this for 25 plus years. The lies, secrecy, hurt, destruction. I'm done
I know we all say that but I think I am there now.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by least
Welcome back! 
I hope you'll utilize the support here to help you get sober for good.
I hope you'll utilize the support here to help you get sober for good. I remember you from my previous efforts at ditching the poison. I admire you.
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I certainly don't mean to come across as insensitive or mean, but I don't think a 'virtual hug' is what you need.
You probably don't need a mighty kick in the butt, either, because harsh criticism from others only serves to salt the already salty meal we present to ourselves. We don't normally hold ourselves to high standards or think very highly of ourselves. We know what we're doing and who's paying the price.
You might try to look at your behavior objectively. As a former alcoholic in recovery myself, I fully understand how nearly impossible that would be to pull off. But I offer the suggestion anyway because one thing I do know about addicts in general is that we are not short on tenacity. We are able to rebound again and again only to fall again and again - to start all over again and again. It's quite impressive, really. Now - if we can do THAT - you may just be able to crawl out of your hell long enough to walk a few feet away (metaphorically speaking of course), and then turn around to observe the difference between who you are while saturated with alcohol and who you are without it. My guess is that you're two completely different people.
Best
You probably don't need a mighty kick in the butt, either, because harsh criticism from others only serves to salt the already salty meal we present to ourselves. We don't normally hold ourselves to high standards or think very highly of ourselves. We know what we're doing and who's paying the price.
You might try to look at your behavior objectively. As a former alcoholic in recovery myself, I fully understand how nearly impossible that would be to pull off. But I offer the suggestion anyway because one thing I do know about addicts in general is that we are not short on tenacity. We are able to rebound again and again only to fall again and again - to start all over again and again. It's quite impressive, really. Now - if we can do THAT - you may just be able to crawl out of your hell long enough to walk a few feet away (metaphorically speaking of course), and then turn around to observe the difference between who you are while saturated with alcohol and who you are without it. My guess is that you're two completely different people.
Best
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner
I'm already drawing strength from these messages, and also remembering what made me want to stop drinking this awful poison.
What utter madness. Been doing this for 25 plus years. The lies, secrecy, hurt, destruction. I'm done
I know we all say that but I think I am there now.
What utter madness. Been doing this for 25 plus years. The lies, secrecy, hurt, destruction. I'm done
I know we all say that but I think I am there now.
It took work, especially in the beginning. But the rewards of a sober life so greatly out-weigh the pain and suffering of a drunk's life that eventually it became easier and easier. My family, my children, my career, my bank account, my health, my sleep - each and every single thing is better now. Welcome. Time to get to work.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by lessgravity
I read this and got chills of recognition. I also spent far far too many years of my life in wasted madness, chasing the bottom of bottle after bottle. I lied, hurt, hid, destroyed. And I also, FINALLY, came to the place where you are now - and I was done.
It took work, especially in the beginning. But the rewards of a sober life so greatly out-weigh the pain and suffering of a drunk's life that eventually it became easier and easier. My family, my children, my career, my bank account, my health, my sleep - each and every single thing is better now. Welcome. Time to get to work.
It took work, especially in the beginning. But the rewards of a sober life so greatly out-weigh the pain and suffering of a drunk's life that eventually it became easier and easier. My family, my children, my career, my bank account, my health, my sleep - each and every single thing is better now. Welcome. Time to get to work.
You guys are amazing.
I'm not going back to Hell.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
I certainly don't mean to come across as insensitive or mean, but I don't think a 'virtual hug' is what you need.
You probably don't need a mighty kick in the butt, either, because harsh criticism from others only serves to salt the already salty meal we present to ourselves. We don't normally hold ourselves to high standards or think very highly of ourselves. We know what we're doing and who's paying the price.
You might try to look at your behavior objectively. As a former alcoholic in recovery myself, I fully understand how nearly impossible that would be to pull off. But I offer the suggestion anyway because one thing I do know about addicts in general is that we are not short on tenacity. We are able to rebound again and again only to fall again and again - to start all over again and again. It's quite impressive, really. Now - if we can do THAT - you may just be able to crawl out of your hell long enough to walk a few feet away (metaphorically speaking of course), and then turn around to observe the difference between who you are while saturated with alcohol and who you are without it. My guess is that you're two completely different people.
Best
You probably don't need a mighty kick in the butt, either, because harsh criticism from others only serves to salt the already salty meal we present to ourselves. We don't normally hold ourselves to high standards or think very highly of ourselves. We know what we're doing and who's paying the price.
You might try to look at your behavior objectively. As a former alcoholic in recovery myself, I fully understand how nearly impossible that would be to pull off. But I offer the suggestion anyway because one thing I do know about addicts in general is that we are not short on tenacity. We are able to rebound again and again only to fall again and again - to start all over again and again. It's quite impressive, really. Now - if we can do THAT - you may just be able to crawl out of your hell long enough to walk a few feet away (metaphorically speaking of course), and then turn around to observe the difference between who you are while saturated with alcohol and who you are without it. My guess is that you're two completely different people.
Best
Thank you Lumen.
I have gone to bed literally a different person.
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