ImNotThatGuy

Quitting's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

That's what Mark Twain said about his tobacco addiction. I feel the same way about alcohol. Decent stretches of sobriety -- a year here, two years there, a few months somewhere else -- always end for me. A lot of the things they say in AA about the disease progressing even though you're not drinking don't really ring true for me, I guess because I've always been a drunk. It always ends up in the same terrible place which is no better and no worse than the terrible place it ended in all the other times.

The thing is, I've never had trouble stopping and staying stopped for a while. Once I make up my mind that I don't drink, I don't.

This time has been different. I really, really want to stop for good, and I haven't been able to string together more than five sober days for months now. My AV finds me very easy to trick these days. It seems to say, "See, you're sober. Your mind is clear. Your body feels fine. Does the world look any better? No, it still sucks, doesn't it. Might as well have a drink."

I've been attending online AA meetings. It helps somewhat, but it also reminds me of how sh!tty and messed up the world is. I don't want to live in a world where I can't get together with other people and where I have to wear a danged muzzle every time I walk into a store where they're blaring cult-like messages over the speaker every three minutes. Every time I hear, "We're in this together." or "Social distancing" I feel like screaming. Every time some well intentioned person says, "Stay safe!" all I want to do is punch them in the face, and I'm not a violent person.

Maybe counseling is the way to go this time, but I don't think I can deal with another teleconference or sitting in somebody's office with a stupid piece of cloth over my nose and mouth making me feel like I'm suffocating.

Back to Day One. Any suggestions are welcome.

taplow

I'm the last person to ask I'mNotThatGuy, but good luck and best wishes.

biminiblue

The thing with longer term sobriety is that I gave myself room to work on those other issues like anger, resentment, fear and self-pity.

Once the brain settles and the speedy-this-is-horrible thinking heals - life is a whole lot better.

I am so grateful I'm not drinking through this pandemic. I am still a bit worried, but I'd likely be inconsolable if I were drinking. Thanks for the reminder.

lessgravity

For me I got sober for good but finally giving up on the idea that I could be the man I wanted to be, to live the one life I have the way I was meant to live it, and still continue to drink. I accepted that those wo things - a life of responsibility, peace, success, happiness, confidence and growth + drinking were in fact utterly incompatible. I chose my life over booze. Then I did the work, every day, every hour, every minute, until I got clear of the pull of the poison. The mess of misery, shame, waste and lies shrinks in my rear view mirror daily. No AA here. SR, acceptance, finally growing up and choosing life over the alcohol, then doing the work - and I'm sober for good. Each day is a blessing on this side of sobriety. And it's available to all of us, if we do the work.

PuckLuck

I think this whole thing stinks too, but it's a just another convenient excuse to justify drinking in an endless list of excuses if you're anything like me. I played any "I drink because..." card I could.

Laura3

What im not liking about not drinking these last few days is that fat feeling. Ive been eating more, should be happy since I was barely eating before but my biggest fear is becoming obese. Not fat or chubby but so big I wonder how people get so obese. I would rather be alcoholic than huge. To me it isnt any better. I guess it should pass, really drinking made me gain weight, its just the feeling I dont like

ImNotThatGuy

Not feeling like I'm in a place to offer advice, but I'm pretty sure a regular exercise routine will be better for that than drinking would be.

DriGuy

You say the progressive nature of alcoholism is not something you personally experience, but when you describe your experience, it sounds like it is actually a major issue in your life. I think your are experiencing it for the first time, and are about to recognize that.

To address the title of this thread, the progressive nature of alcoholism is one reason recovery is so hard. Few will tell you it's easy, because most of us found it to be hard until we found the right keys we needed to recover, and then it was still hard for a while. I can't specifically say what those keys are. They vary for each of us, and it took me a lot of trail and error and searching to find mine. It won't always be hard.

I think you are right to recognize that to really quit, you need to commit to permanent sobriety. I'm not sure that one month off or one year off actually defines what it means to quit, but that's a semantic argument, I suppose.

Laura3

yes it would be. Im not very overweight ive only gained maybe 10 pounds or so but for some reason eating regularly makes me feel gross. I hope itll pass and my body will adjust

ImNotThatGuy

That may be. This isn't the first time I've found myself in a dark enough place to resolve to achieve permanent sobriety, though.

Just thinking out loud... I guess what's harder this time is that I know it's important to clean up the "stinkin thinkin" and all that, but I just don't see how anybody can not have a ton of stinkin thinkin these days. On top of that, life itself just seems pointless, and not because of anything I did or didn't do.

In any case, I know I need to get sober or drinking will put me in the grave. Thanks everyone. I'm going to make a point of coming to this forum at least once a day.

Laura3

I was feeling down about the state of the world too but it should give us more reason to take care of our health. Drinking weakens the immune system and money will be harder to come by

Steely

I wanted to know myself. Not deny myself any longer. I wanted a conscious life. I wanted to smile again.

And I came to the realisation that alcohol was just an ad on the tv.

DriGuy

I find it a bit harder to be content right now too. No one enjoys a pandemic. That's for sure. But it's one of those things we have to learn to cope with. There's so much out there beyond our control that I think it's time to consider the Serenity Prayer or its secular equivalent, and learn how to accept that which we cannot control.

Anna

I was full of anger at the end of my drinking and during early sobriety. I blamed everybody and everything for my situation. The truth was, I was really angry with myself for getting myself into the mess of alcoholism. Once I realized that, i could begin to heal. Journaling helped immensely. I would write down my angry thoughts and it really helped me to feel more calm.

Give yourself a little more time with sobriety and hopefully you will start to feel better about things. These are difficult times, but being sober will be helpful to you in coping with life.

nez

I take care of the "stinkin thinkin" thoughts, one at a time as they come up. I know better than to procrastinate or stockpile them. Anytime one comes up, I just add on "...yeah, but I am sober; and that is the biggie!!!" Puts me in gratitude and the present moment, which recharges me very time.

I repeat as necessary...and sometimes it takes a hell of a lot of repetition...but it is worth it. I definitely value my recovery and well remember the hell of my drinking.

Ain't no contest, which I prefer. :~)

MaximusD

I would like to add one thing. There is a lot of negative thinking going on there. I am GREAT at negative thinking which is how I can recognize it. Your fed up as most people are so I understand. Lately I have practiced being grateful and being mindful. In my life I have been to some pretty crappy countries in the 3rd world and have read and seen even more stories about some really crappy places. Dealing with daily bombings and corrupt governments that will just come in and shoot up your family because. I don't know where you live but for the vast majority of us who are here blessed to have internet and work on our sobriety on a forum like this we are DAMN lucky.

MaximusD

Dee or Anna, I don't know why I am having posting problems like this can you delete again please?

Virituze2020

Hey, guy, It's true that we are right in the thick of that dystopian future they've been warning about since forever. It's seems so hard to find comfort right now. We just want our old life back, I watch pre-pandemic videos on youtube and feel nostalgic for when we used to be able to not worry about shaking someone's hand or standing close to a stranger...Just be good to yourself and try to get out , enjoy the summer how you can, drink things you loved as a kid, chocolate milk, root beer, oh my god, root beer!!

PinnacleOR

I too can relate to being frustrated and angry at the state of the world. I want people to make better decisions. I want the drivers seat. But for me, that resentment is just a trigger.

What I can do, in a healthy way though, is to realize a whole lot of people feel the same way now. I can be kindness. I can relate, empathize, connect. For me, that’s both helping others while helping others.

i have quit a thousand times too. Each time recently, I’ve asked what I can learn, and what new tools I can add to my sobriety toolbox to to better next time. My toolbox now includes a recovery plan, daily meditation, writing out three gratitudes, positive affirmations, a weekly sponsor meeting, three recovery meetings weekly, exercise, good diet, two anti craving medications.

sounds like a lot, but it’s helping me grow as a person, alcoholic or not.

maybe try some new tools and see how it goes? Good luck, you can do it.

Bunker

I also tossed away 10 months of sobriety and ended up at square one again. So tired of this struggle. Also, the social isolation makes secret drinking so easy. Well, nothing else to do than start over and try and do better.