Advice/Thoughts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Advice/Thoughts
I'm at 384 days sober today. A true miracle. For some reason, after I passed the 365 day mark, I've felt so confident, steady, and in-control. There is not really any effort required - at the moment - to stay sober. I'm not saying it will always be like this, but I must say, I'm loving it. 
So, I had a couple of thoughts I'd been ruminating on I wanted to share. A dear friend of mine became very angry (over a year ago) because I wouldn't subscribe to AA. We were friends from 15-43. When I quit, she was so disappointed and upset I wouldn't try this method/philosophy which has unquestionably helped thousands upon thousands of others. She had actually used the 12 Steps to quit marijuana and was a die hard believer in it. And I understand why she was - it worked for her.
I read the Big Book and corresponded with many posters who worked the program. Much of it made A LOT of sense to me. But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't for me. Some of it I really disagreed with. What worked for me was coming to SR, reading anything and everything about addiction, exercise, and seeing a therapist. And I'm so, so relieved and grateful that this system worked.
My "friend" is still, at this point, no longer my friend. If I wasn't going to join AA, I wasn't really sober in her mind (even though I was no longer drinking). This is the same friend who had no issues with me when I was drinking. Only when I didn't use her tried and true method to quit. Go figure. That's not on me. Although it's both of our losses.
I'm not upset by this because I know I had to do what worked for me, not follow a program just to make another person happy. What I want to stress here is that this is something I really had to learn here. To push out all the noise of all the die hard believers of any and all methods and, in the end, follow my gut. It's my life. I'm the only one who knows my brain. Of course, I so, so appreciated everyone's advice, and 99% of the time I followed it. But I think it's so important for newly sober people to realize that they have to do what works for them, not what works for anyone else. The only time everyone else is absolutely 100% correct is when they are telling the addicted drinker to not pick up the next drink. Then, they are always correct, but everything else is subject to opinion.
People say don't make big changes year 1. They say tell your friends and family you're quitting drinking. Well, I moved states, bought my first home, changed jobs, and I got my first dog - all in year 1. I needed to change everything to get a new fresh start. A year later, I'm still thrilled with these changes. Except for that one friend I mentioned above, I also didn't tell any of my friends and family for a long, long time. In fact, I lied for an entire year to everyone I knew and fake drank ginger-ale (or perrier mixed with a splash of diet snapple to look like champagne). People stated three things like fact: They demanded that...
1- I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because fake drinking would trigger me.
2 - I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because this would hold me accountable to my sobriety.
3 - I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because their feelings on the matter shouldn't effect me - I should live in honesty.
To them all, I thought
1 - For me, I know I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking, because I felt less pressure faking it than I did telling the truth. I had tried not drinking in front of them a few times, and my loved ones would say "Oh, you're not having any? Then I won't either...". That didn't work for me. I felt like a buzz kill (literally).
2 - For me, I knew I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking, because I didn't want my telling anyone to be what was holding me accountable. I wanted me to be holding myself accountable for me. I WANTED to have the out of being able to start drinking in front of my loved ones. This worked for me. Having an out to drink made me feel less trapped. I was making a choice to not drink, not not drinking because people now knew I shouldn't be.
3 - For me, I knew I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking because they would worry and fear for me. "Oh no, she has this problem, will she be okay??" I didn't want that and couldn't live at peace with that. It made me so sad to think of them worrying. It was much easier to tell my loved ones the truth after a full year when it is clear I was not in the danger zone nearly to the extent I was. Also, they now know that they CAN have fun while I'm around when they are drinking alone. They've done it a bunch of times and just hadn't known it.
So much stuff helped me get to where I am. SR was definitely number one, though. In particular, on SR I found FreshStart's thread on AVRT. That thread, combined with the book This Naked Mind, combined by so many posters here (shout out to Mac, particularly, for his guidance in the early days and who actually recommended This Naked Mind) got me to 384 days sober. I can't believe how much better I feel than 384 days ago. Actually, I can't even believe how much better I feel than 30 days ago. I am so excited to see how I feel as each day goes by. I'm so lucky to have found this place. And, as they say, if I can do it, anyone can. I wish everyone the best. You CAN do this, I'm sure of it. And, of course, thanks to Dee. The best moderator here.
So, I had a couple of thoughts I'd been ruminating on I wanted to share. A dear friend of mine became very angry (over a year ago) because I wouldn't subscribe to AA. We were friends from 15-43. When I quit, she was so disappointed and upset I wouldn't try this method/philosophy which has unquestionably helped thousands upon thousands of others. She had actually used the 12 Steps to quit marijuana and was a die hard believer in it. And I understand why she was - it worked for her.
I read the Big Book and corresponded with many posters who worked the program. Much of it made A LOT of sense to me. But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't for me. Some of it I really disagreed with. What worked for me was coming to SR, reading anything and everything about addiction, exercise, and seeing a therapist. And I'm so, so relieved and grateful that this system worked.
My "friend" is still, at this point, no longer my friend. If I wasn't going to join AA, I wasn't really sober in her mind (even though I was no longer drinking). This is the same friend who had no issues with me when I was drinking. Only when I didn't use her tried and true method to quit. Go figure. That's not on me. Although it's both of our losses.
I'm not upset by this because I know I had to do what worked for me, not follow a program just to make another person happy. What I want to stress here is that this is something I really had to learn here. To push out all the noise of all the die hard believers of any and all methods and, in the end, follow my gut. It's my life. I'm the only one who knows my brain. Of course, I so, so appreciated everyone's advice, and 99% of the time I followed it. But I think it's so important for newly sober people to realize that they have to do what works for them, not what works for anyone else. The only time everyone else is absolutely 100% correct is when they are telling the addicted drinker to not pick up the next drink. Then, they are always correct, but everything else is subject to opinion.
People say don't make big changes year 1. They say tell your friends and family you're quitting drinking. Well, I moved states, bought my first home, changed jobs, and I got my first dog - all in year 1. I needed to change everything to get a new fresh start. A year later, I'm still thrilled with these changes. Except for that one friend I mentioned above, I also didn't tell any of my friends and family for a long, long time. In fact, I lied for an entire year to everyone I knew and fake drank ginger-ale (or perrier mixed with a splash of diet snapple to look like champagne
). People stated three things like fact: They demanded that...1- I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because fake drinking would trigger me.
2 - I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because this would hold me accountable to my sobriety.
3 - I should tell my loved ones I was quitting because their feelings on the matter shouldn't effect me - I should live in honesty.
To them all, I thought
1 - For me, I know I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking, because I felt less pressure faking it than I did telling the truth. I had tried not drinking in front of them a few times, and my loved ones would say "Oh, you're not having any? Then I won't either...". That didn't work for me. I felt like a buzz kill (literally).
2 - For me, I knew I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking, because I didn't want my telling anyone to be what was holding me accountable. I wanted me to be holding myself accountable for me. I WANTED to have the out of being able to start drinking in front of my loved ones. This worked for me. Having an out to drink made me feel less trapped. I was making a choice to not drink, not not drinking because people now knew I shouldn't be.
3 - For me, I knew I should NOT tell my loved ones I wasn't drinking because they would worry and fear for me. "Oh no, she has this problem, will she be okay??" I didn't want that and couldn't live at peace with that. It made me so sad to think of them worrying. It was much easier to tell my loved ones the truth after a full year when it is clear I was not in the danger zone nearly to the extent I was. Also, they now know that they CAN have fun while I'm around when they are drinking alone. They've done it a bunch of times and just hadn't known it.
So much stuff helped me get to where I am. SR was definitely number one, though. In particular, on SR I found FreshStart's thread on AVRT. That thread, combined with the book This Naked Mind, combined by so many posters here (shout out to Mac, particularly, for his guidance in the early days and who actually recommended This Naked Mind) got me to 384 days sober. I can't believe how much better I feel than 384 days ago. Actually, I can't even believe how much better I feel than 30 days ago. I am so excited to see how I feel as each day goes by. I'm so lucky to have found this place. And, as they say, if I can do it, anyone can. I wish everyone the best. You CAN do this, I'm sure of it. And, of course, thanks to Dee. The best moderator here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,097
Congrats on 384 days Sohard - what a wonderful life achievement.
Also thanks for a great post. It is so true that we need to focus on what works for ourselves. The advice here on SR is fantastic, and are reading about other peoples experiences in embarking on the journey and their travels towards a better life. It is up to us to learn and adapt to a personalised recovery. Thanks for sharing!
Also thanks for a great post. It is so true that we need to focus on what works for ourselves. The advice here on SR is fantastic, and are reading about other peoples experiences in embarking on the journey and their travels towards a better life. It is up to us to learn and adapt to a personalised recovery. Thanks for sharing!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 122
I can appreciate all of this. I used to go to AA and I think it's a wonderful organization, but I don't really go anymore. I think it helps at first to achieve sobriety but I think there are many ways to maintain sobriety.
I'm at 540 days sober.
I'm at 540 days sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 142
Congrats on your achievement!
I'm doing it my own way too. (Almost 2 months sober and no one knows I've quit either). As others said, whatever works for you is the best method.
I've dumped a few beers and told a few lies. I can live with those lies. Lord knows I've done worse. I will tell when I'm ready.
I'm doing it my own way too. (Almost 2 months sober and no one knows I've quit either). As others said, whatever works for you is the best method.
I've dumped a few beers and told a few lies. I can live with those lies. Lord knows I've done worse. I will tell when I'm ready.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Congratulations on your sobriety and finding what works for you.
I am in AA and if I were to feel resentment over someone's sobriety method then I would do inventory on it. A step 4 or a Step 10. ... and I would probably see that I was being selfish and self seeking for thinking that the person should do as I do or as I want them to. I don't know your friend so I don't want to make assumptions about him/her but it doesn't sound to me like they are spiritually well but hey what do I know?! Maybe there is some fear around the resentment too. Anyway whatever it is , that is his/her stuff to deal with. You are doing what is best for YOU to keep YOU sober and that is all that matters! ....
Good luck on the rest of your journey
.❤🙏❤
I am in AA and if I were to feel resentment over someone's sobriety method then I would do inventory on it. A step 4 or a Step 10. ... and I would probably see that I was being selfish and self seeking for thinking that the person should do as I do or as I want them to. I don't know your friend so I don't want to make assumptions about him/her but it doesn't sound to me like they are spiritually well but hey what do I know?! Maybe there is some fear around the resentment too. Anyway whatever it is , that is his/her stuff to deal with. You are doing what is best for YOU to keep YOU sober and that is all that matters! ....
Good luck on the rest of your journey
.❤🙏❤
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
Originally Posted by Sohard 
There is not really any effort required - at the moment - to stay sober.
The learned bad habit of drinking was replaced by the new learned good habit of meetings.
As I've always gone to a meeting everyday, I've never thought about drinking.
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