Hiding other addictions?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by PumpkinSpouse 
Hi Lines,
Thank you so much for your insight. He is definitely depressed and has told me he is upset with himself. Some of it might be "regular" mid-life crisis stuff, but obviously he is ashamed of some of what he's done, at least he has shared that he feels he wasted his life and career and destroyed relationships and it seems clear he hasn't shared everything with me... except when he was completely unravelling from addiction and could do it in the form of fantasy talk of sorts.
Until about 6 months before treatment I never thought any of this stuff I am worried about now could be true. I loved him and thought he loved me. Even though we had issues with his mood swings and inability to balance responsibilities and a lack of job commitment, he was always loving to me. I thought it was all bipolar stuff, and went to some support groups.
Then he started really going downhill, and also was obviously drinking too much and sharing with me these stories that he said were a parallel life, kind of "what-would-happen-in-a-scenario-where..." involving other drugs, sexual experiences, etc. Some of it seemed like it was missing puzzle pieces, explaining why certain people in our lives interacted how they did with him. Some of it was pretty dark or fatalistic. He probably doesn't remember everything he said, but I do.
Some of it seemed very truthful about drug use in his youth for example, because the new "fantasy" parts of his story tied into things I knew to be true. So when he said he had been doing coke and hanging out at go-go bars every night before we met... I realized those things probably didn't just go away when he got married. He said he "just stopped" doing cocaine... I questioned that. When he talked about getting lap dances at a go-go bar when he was away on business, which I did not want to hear, but I thought it was probably true because he seemed to be authentic when he shared it.
But I don't know what was true, what was bipolar psychosis, what was alcohol or drug-fueled. He would say things, and then his mood would shift and he would say "you know this is all fake, right?". The conversations weaved between current normal conversation, reminiscing about high school and childhood, talking about what-if scenarios, and pure fantasy. At the time he was drinking a lot that I saw, and was also secretly drinking and he seemed to be clearly in a manic bipolar phase. It was impossible to know what was true.
I would think I'm going to divorce him, and then think this is "just" a manic episode, and then think he needs help, and also that he was going to die. He talked a lot about death, being afraid of people coming to kill him. Suddenly he had knives everywhere, and tools like heavy wrenches laid out for defense, and baseball bats behind doors. All this was new. He would talk about everything ending in disaster, or violence, and how I should marry someone new. He told me to watch for who was following me in the car, that there are bad people everywhere. He talked about how someone could kill me because I am an easy target. And he also asked me to marry him again, would cry if I left the room. It was crazy. It was bipolar. I wondered if any of it or all of it was true. I was desperate for him to get help. But he kept drinking. And I did not even know how much he was drinking by himself. But I started to worry if he was mixed up in stuff I didn't know about or just losing his mind.
Around that time I started wondering if he was doing meth or crack because of things he said and because his story on different days would loop back to the same "fantasy scenarios"... and researched enough to find out that there are people who balance a hidden meth habit for years and not everyone looks like someone you typically consider a meth addict. He did however, lose a ton of weight, have dental issues and a bunch of cuts and scabs on his legs that he said were from work. But I remember one long deep cut and he said he didn't know where it came from and wondered if he was in a fight or if this is related to drugs. He said he fell, but it was a long clean cut. How would you not know? His leg scabs were long and I started wondering if that is how you shoot up. I found other cell phones and sim cards he said were the kids.
During conversations when I asked about drug use, he would reveal-deny-challenge-confess-distract and challenge me by asking me things like "how do you think I would use meth?" (snorting it, smoking it, whatever) and I didn't even know the different ways you could use meth. I found some stuff that seemed like paraphernalia, but he has lots of tools and odd things from a glass tube I found and bent-up beer cans with liquid, and some kind of map gas, but he always had a reason for this stuff. I would also think I was making myself crazy over nothing. Well, not nothing. Certainly mental illness going on. And alcohol.
All these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.But these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.
I do think it would be awesome if he would eventually share with me what has happened to him, good, bad, and ugly. Then I could make choices from a place of truth. I truly love him and hate that he is in a situation where his life has been altered by these diseases, and I am proud of him for fighting for a new way. And I started this post because if he is really hiding other drug or sexual addictions or childhood trauma, then I think he needs very specialized help. I did suggest he see a trauma therapist.
I know this all seems like too much... and believe me, I am skipping whole chapters of issues. Maybe everyone who is alcoholic has these problems or ones like them. Maybe it all caught up with him and he has a wet-brain like they said could happen in an ER trip just before rehab.
I am so glad he is not drinking, but we are barely out of the gate on recovery. Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you so much for your insight. He is definitely depressed and has told me he is upset with himself. Some of it might be "regular" mid-life crisis stuff, but obviously he is ashamed of some of what he's done, at least he has shared that he feels he wasted his life and career and destroyed relationships and it seems clear he hasn't shared everything with me... except when he was completely unravelling from addiction and could do it in the form of fantasy talk of sorts.
Until about 6 months before treatment I never thought any of this stuff I am worried about now could be true. I loved him and thought he loved me. Even though we had issues with his mood swings and inability to balance responsibilities and a lack of job commitment, he was always loving to me. I thought it was all bipolar stuff, and went to some support groups.
Then he started really going downhill, and also was obviously drinking too much and sharing with me these stories that he said were a parallel life, kind of "what-would-happen-in-a-scenario-where..." involving other drugs, sexual experiences, etc. Some of it seemed like it was missing puzzle pieces, explaining why certain people in our lives interacted how they did with him. Some of it was pretty dark or fatalistic. He probably doesn't remember everything he said, but I do.
Some of it seemed very truthful about drug use in his youth for example, because the new "fantasy" parts of his story tied into things I knew to be true. So when he said he had been doing coke and hanging out at go-go bars every night before we met... I realized those things probably didn't just go away when he got married. He said he "just stopped" doing cocaine... I questioned that. When he talked about getting lap dances at a go-go bar when he was away on business, which I did not want to hear, but I thought it was probably true because he seemed to be authentic when he shared it.
But I don't know what was true, what was bipolar psychosis, what was alcohol or drug-fueled. He would say things, and then his mood would shift and he would say "you know this is all fake, right?". The conversations weaved between current normal conversation, reminiscing about high school and childhood, talking about what-if scenarios, and pure fantasy. At the time he was drinking a lot that I saw, and was also secretly drinking and he seemed to be clearly in a manic bipolar phase. It was impossible to know what was true.
I would think I'm going to divorce him, and then think this is "just" a manic episode, and then think he needs help, and also that he was going to die. He talked a lot about death, being afraid of people coming to kill him. Suddenly he had knives everywhere, and tools like heavy wrenches laid out for defense, and baseball bats behind doors. All this was new. He would talk about everything ending in disaster, or violence, and how I should marry someone new. He told me to watch for who was following me in the car, that there are bad people everywhere. He talked about how someone could kill me because I am an easy target. And he also asked me to marry him again, would cry if I left the room. It was crazy. It was bipolar. I wondered if any of it or all of it was true. I was desperate for him to get help. But he kept drinking. And I did not even know how much he was drinking by himself. But I started to worry if he was mixed up in stuff I didn't know about or just losing his mind.
Around that time I started wondering if he was doing meth or crack because of things he said and because his story on different days would loop back to the same "fantasy scenarios"... and researched enough to find out that there are people who balance a hidden meth habit for years and not everyone looks like someone you typically consider a meth addict. He did however, lose a ton of weight, have dental issues and a bunch of cuts and scabs on his legs that he said were from work. But I remember one long deep cut and he said he didn't know where it came from and wondered if he was in a fight or if this is related to drugs. He said he fell, but it was a long clean cut. How would you not know? His leg scabs were long and I started wondering if that is how you shoot up. I found other cell phones and sim cards he said were the kids.
During conversations when I asked about drug use, he would reveal-deny-challenge-confess-distract and challenge me by asking me things like "how do you think I would use meth?" (snorting it, smoking it, whatever) and I didn't even know the different ways you could use meth. I found some stuff that seemed like paraphernalia, but he has lots of tools and odd things from a glass tube I found and bent-up beer cans with liquid, and some kind of map gas, but he always had a reason for this stuff. I would also think I was making myself crazy over nothing. Well, not nothing. Certainly mental illness going on. And alcohol.
All these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.But these stories, scared me, made me cry for him, for me and my kids and the life we could have had.
I do think it would be awesome if he would eventually share with me what has happened to him, good, bad, and ugly. Then I could make choices from a place of truth. I truly love him and hate that he is in a situation where his life has been altered by these diseases, and I am proud of him for fighting for a new way. And I started this post because if he is really hiding other drug or sexual addictions or childhood trauma, then I think he needs very specialized help. I did suggest he see a trauma therapist.
I know this all seems like too much... and believe me, I am skipping whole chapters of issues. Maybe everyone who is alcoholic has these problems or ones like them. Maybe it all caught up with him and he has a wet-brain like they said could happen in an ER trip just before rehab.
I am so glad he is not drinking, but we are barely out of the gate on recovery. Thank you for talking to me.
I put my wife through a lot when I was using. It wasnt for years, only months but I managed to screw up a lot of things. Hurting her, and having her scared for us both was incredibly painful. I liked what you wrote about how God has brought you both this far. Hang onto your faith in God, yourself. He gives us free will, but tries to guide us down the right path. I hope your husband keeps looking for the proper mental health care in order to stabilize. He deserves it. His family deserves it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
Well, I read what I wrote previously, and sound so codependent, willing to bargain, and desperate. It is so confusing.
I had a good day with my husband and kids, and then tonight I very organically leaned to give him a kiss as I navigated around the coffee table and I passed him in in chair watching tv, and he completely freaked out. Initially he looked panicked and recoiled. Then he gave me a kiss and said, "I love you.", but when I leaned in for a hug he looked terrified and I backed off. When I tried to ask him why me approaching him at all was triggering him, he got very agitated, started talking about how he "wasn't going to do this" (meaning talk about his reaction) and then said, "Great! This conversation twice in one day! I can't talk about this! You do this right before bedtime because you know how that will go!" and threatened to leave the room. I thought he was going to scream, he looked panicked and completely uncomfortable. I said "Calm down, breathe. I was not trying to trigger you. I am not going to talk about this. I don't know why you are terrified to talk to me. I love you." He said "I'm not terrified! Me and fear are not on the same page." I said, "Well it's some enormous emotion that has you with an aversion to connecting with me, and to talking about this or anything else that triggers you We are going to have to figure this out or see a therapist." He said, "Well there's no therapist here." I said, "But I am here and I want you to feel safe with me. We are not going to talk about this now. Focus on calming down, self-soothing for now. I'm sorry this is happening to you." He said, "I feel sorry for you being stuck with a fxxx-up like me." I said I love you and eventually we need to figure out how to communicate in a way that feels safe for you." He said, "I just want to watch the movie with you and that's it. If you try to talk to me I will leave. Is that what you want?! You are seriously making me feel like I want a drink." So I said, "No, of course I don't want that. Just watch the movie." And that is what he's doing now.
Earlier today I congratulated him on 91 days sober and he said he doesn't want me to do that anymore. He said it's like congratulating someone for something they weren't supposed to do, like congratulating a murdered for not killing anyone. I said ok, but it seemed odd. It made me think maybe he doesn't feel like he deserves congratulations is possibly because he isn't completely sober. I don't seem good at detecting if he is drinking, drugging, sober-but-crazy, sober-but-experiencing-huge-emotional-issues, or whatever.
I am exhausted. Seeing him so avoidant of me is messing with my head and heart. Is he just completely messed up because he is a long-term alcoholic? Is he doing other drugs or drinking again? Is he thinking of someone else? Is he just not into me? --Then I think "STOP! I must just focus on myself.", but I have really lost my way as to how to stay grounded in my own self. I focus too much on him, or trying to keep everything "nice" for the kids.
It's easy to say I should leave him. Leaving him or asking him to leave is not financially possible, and it's coronavirus, and I want to try everything before I would do that, and I don't seem to ever be able to do that, because I love him and have a great hope that things will get better. I was thinking I would have to divorce when he was heavily drinking, but now that he is sober I especially want to give him a chance. But this is crazy.
It is hard to trust that this will get better because he won't talk to me about any of it. Will his head slowly clear up and he will "suddenly" be more capable of constructive conversation? Unless that happens soon, I obviously have to do something different, because trying to talk to him DOES make everything worse. It seems we are stuck in this very dysfunctional noncommunicative cycle of pursuit-avoidance, something I read about. But everything I read about that has so do with healthy people per se, not recovering alcoholics. Supposedly if you are the pursuer you are supposed to find new activities (ha! I am already swamped just trying to keep up with my work and the bills. My fantasy activities are taking a shower and trying to eat and sleep right), and focus on yourself (ok, understood, although I still spend way to much time trying to understand him), and ignore him, don't touch him, don't have sex (check) so eventually he gets to 'missing you" and starts pursuing you. There are aspects of this that make sense, but is it really good to just completely ignore someone in recovery? Don't they need communication and acceptance more than ever? Or is my logic just textbook codependency? He also has a serious mental illness. I doubt ignoring him will help with that. I'm trying to build trust, connection. Oh God, I don't know.
This drama is why I wanted him to go to a sober living facility, but he refused. I do think he needs a lot of help just to learn to function. I am afraid I might be doing things the wrong way, but I am doing my best.
Any other thoughts?
I had a good day with my husband and kids, and then tonight I very organically leaned to give him a kiss as I navigated around the coffee table and I passed him in in chair watching tv, and he completely freaked out. Initially he looked panicked and recoiled. Then he gave me a kiss and said, "I love you.", but when I leaned in for a hug he looked terrified and I backed off. When I tried to ask him why me approaching him at all was triggering him, he got very agitated, started talking about how he "wasn't going to do this" (meaning talk about his reaction) and then said, "Great! This conversation twice in one day! I can't talk about this! You do this right before bedtime because you know how that will go!" and threatened to leave the room. I thought he was going to scream, he looked panicked and completely uncomfortable. I said "Calm down, breathe. I was not trying to trigger you. I am not going to talk about this. I don't know why you are terrified to talk to me. I love you." He said "I'm not terrified! Me and fear are not on the same page." I said, "Well it's some enormous emotion that has you with an aversion to connecting with me, and to talking about this or anything else that triggers you We are going to have to figure this out or see a therapist." He said, "Well there's no therapist here." I said, "But I am here and I want you to feel safe with me. We are not going to talk about this now. Focus on calming down, self-soothing for now. I'm sorry this is happening to you." He said, "I feel sorry for you being stuck with a fxxx-up like me." I said I love you and eventually we need to figure out how to communicate in a way that feels safe for you." He said, "I just want to watch the movie with you and that's it. If you try to talk to me I will leave. Is that what you want?! You are seriously making me feel like I want a drink." So I said, "No, of course I don't want that. Just watch the movie." And that is what he's doing now.
Earlier today I congratulated him on 91 days sober and he said he doesn't want me to do that anymore. He said it's like congratulating someone for something they weren't supposed to do, like congratulating a murdered for not killing anyone. I said ok, but it seemed odd. It made me think maybe he doesn't feel like he deserves congratulations is possibly because he isn't completely sober. I don't seem good at detecting if he is drinking, drugging, sober-but-crazy, sober-but-experiencing-huge-emotional-issues, or whatever.
I am exhausted. Seeing him so avoidant of me is messing with my head and heart. Is he just completely messed up because he is a long-term alcoholic? Is he doing other drugs or drinking again? Is he thinking of someone else? Is he just not into me? --Then I think "STOP! I must just focus on myself.", but I have really lost my way as to how to stay grounded in my own self. I focus too much on him, or trying to keep everything "nice" for the kids.
It's easy to say I should leave him. Leaving him or asking him to leave is not financially possible, and it's coronavirus, and I want to try everything before I would do that, and I don't seem to ever be able to do that, because I love him and have a great hope that things will get better. I was thinking I would have to divorce when he was heavily drinking, but now that he is sober I especially want to give him a chance. But this is crazy.
It is hard to trust that this will get better because he won't talk to me about any of it. Will his head slowly clear up and he will "suddenly" be more capable of constructive conversation? Unless that happens soon, I obviously have to do something different, because trying to talk to him DOES make everything worse. It seems we are stuck in this very dysfunctional noncommunicative cycle of pursuit-avoidance, something I read about. But everything I read about that has so do with healthy people per se, not recovering alcoholics. Supposedly if you are the pursuer you are supposed to find new activities (ha! I am already swamped just trying to keep up with my work and the bills. My fantasy activities are taking a shower and trying to eat and sleep right), and focus on yourself (ok, understood, although I still spend way to much time trying to understand him), and ignore him, don't touch him, don't have sex (check) so eventually he gets to 'missing you" and starts pursuing you. There are aspects of this that make sense, but is it really good to just completely ignore someone in recovery? Don't they need communication and acceptance more than ever? Or is my logic just textbook codependency? He also has a serious mental illness. I doubt ignoring him will help with that. I'm trying to build trust, connection. Oh God, I don't know.
This drama is why I wanted him to go to a sober living facility, but he refused. I do think he needs a lot of help just to learn to function. I am afraid I might be doing things the wrong way, but I am doing my best.
Any other thoughts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
I went out to the garage and found my husband crushing up and snorting his Quietapine and Clonidine. Did not judge him, but threw it out. He gave me a story about it being no big deal, just "a different delivery system". He said he really wants a drink, needs something to alter his mood. *sigh*
I asked him if he's been taking other drugs. He says no. I said how long have you been doing this? He said just recently, maybe half a dozen times. Lord knows if either of those is a truthful answer.
asked him if he would stop doing this and he gave an unconvincing answer. I asked if he would tell me if it happens again, and he said, yeah, sure, unconvincingly.
Then he said I act like the Police and he knew I would make this into something it isn't and we don't get along. I said we get along, your addiction is what needs to exit this relationship.
He asked me what am I going to do now? I don't know what can do at this point. I told him to think about why he wants to be sober, how much he is doing that is positive. He said he doesn't want to talk about it.
I asked him if he's been taking other drugs. He says no. I said how long have you been doing this? He said just recently, maybe half a dozen times. Lord knows if either of those is a truthful answer.
asked him if he would stop doing this and he gave an unconvincing answer. I asked if he would tell me if it happens again, and he said, yeah, sure, unconvincingly.
Then he said I act like the Police and he knew I would make this into something it isn't and we don't get along. I said we get along, your addiction is what needs to exit this relationship.
He asked me what am I going to do now? I don't know what can do at this point. I told him to think about why he wants to be sober, how much he is doing that is positive. He said he doesn't want to talk about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
Ok I’m going to give this a shot, I have a little over 2 1/2 yrs of sobriety. Married 26 yrs. the first 6 months I was so wrapped up in myself I just wanted to be left alone. I’ve known my wife for 40 yrs, when she would sit next to me or try to kiss me my body would become very rigid , have a get away from me look on my face etc.
She would try to talk to me and I had no idea how I felt, I mean there was guilt for the crap I put her through, lost yrs not caring about her or the kids just being a selfish drunk. As far as intimacy was concerned I considered sex and intimacy the same that was just me. As time went on we had out “good” connection times then it would fade with me and I would go back into a shell.
Everything in my sober life was getting better , I just felt inadequate realationship wise. It does get better(this is my experience) Honestly with sex I forgot how to initiate, I felt like I really don’t remember how to do this so why bother getting close. 2 1/2 yrs getting better , I’m learning again told her I feel vulnerable need help with this had to open up to my wife.
Well that’s the most I open up here! As far as your hu stand doing drugs or drinking again I have no idea and I’m not going there, hope this helps
She would try to talk to me and I had no idea how I felt, I mean there was guilt for the crap I put her through, lost yrs not caring about her or the kids just being a selfish drunk. As far as intimacy was concerned I considered sex and intimacy the same that was just me. As time went on we had out “good” connection times then it would fade with me and I would go back into a shell.
Everything in my sober life was getting better , I just felt inadequate realationship wise. It does get better(this is my experience) Honestly with sex I forgot how to initiate, I felt like I really don’t remember how to do this so why bother getting close. 2 1/2 yrs getting better , I’m learning again told her I feel vulnerable need help with this had to open up to my wife.
Well that’s the most I open up here! As far as your hu stand doing drugs or drinking again I have no idea and I’m not going there, hope this helps
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
Kdon853, wow! Thank you. This was so helpful to read. Thank you so much for sharing. Your insight helps me understand a big part of what is going on. I am going to try to dial it back. Not my strongpoint so I will have to practice. I will likely reread what you wrote here for remembering that he is going through and that it takes time.
Of course I ended up talking to him about the garage incident which ended with him saying something that I know is dumb --that he should decide if he wants me on his side and trust me and confide in me or if he is just using me to cover his addictive behavior then I can't necessarily keep his secrets. As soon as I said it I thought this is dumb because I am making deals for affection, and making him feel like my trust is conditional. He took it like blackmail, which is not how I meant it. I apologized for saying it that way and said, "Of course you can confide in me. I will keep your confidence, I just hope you are honest and authentic with me and refocus on recovery. It is easy to see that you would slip, either like this incident or by drinking. If something goes wrong, just refocus. Remember why you wanted recovery: to save your life, your relationships, your family. I am here for YOU and not for your disease. Just please don't promise me things to keep me protecting a double-life of using and me covering for your disease."
Well he wanted to run but he did stick around and heard me even though he said he was not listening. He did obviously, and the conversation went better but then at one point he said he feels like he is a kid and I am his Mom, always lecturing him and of course he doesn't want to have sex with his Mom! OMG! --There are truths to that: 1)I do incessantly talk, but not because I want to lecture him... in my mind I am opening lines of communication... and trying to address this big incident. 2) It is awful if he thinks of me as a parent not a spouse. But I said I think that's insightful --because our relationship can sometimes be very child-parent (I work, take care of things, cover for him, and he floats...), but it can be much more, and better for both of us. I looked in his eyes and said, "You are a wonderful MAN, and I want you to be a spouse to me. You are strong; you are doing something that takes a lot of strength. You are doing great at a lot of things. You are capable of being a great spouse and father. We can change this dynamic, I need you as my spouse and partner." And he gave me a kiss and said he'll try but I need to stop talking all the time.
So I need to give it a rest and focus on myself which I do not do well as I am always distracted by his issues and behaviours. I mean, I spent all afternoon googling his medications and not doing my work.
The way I am doing this is not working. I am sure I am not the only one who does things the wrong way and the comments from you and others is so helpful. It is a lifeline. Thanks.
One thing that he likes to do is watch movies with me, so we are doing that and I am going to have to focus on work. BTW, I read about how they did a study of people and half went to marriage counseling and half watched romantic comedies (and talked about them) and the ones that watched the movies had much happier outcomes. Maybe it is escapism; maybe there is a magic to learning from other people, even onscreen. He does not like romantic comedies, and so we are watching lots of true life stories. Maybe that helps us. They are often stories of struggle and triumph, which I find encouraging.
My understanding of him and this disease is so small even though my heart is big. I have to really get more educated and do more with Alanon. I say so many stupid things, but I am trying to be nice to me. I am not perfect. God, this is going to be a long ride.
Of course I ended up talking to him about the garage incident which ended with him saying something that I know is dumb --that he should decide if he wants me on his side and trust me and confide in me or if he is just using me to cover his addictive behavior then I can't necessarily keep his secrets. As soon as I said it I thought this is dumb because I am making deals for affection, and making him feel like my trust is conditional. He took it like blackmail, which is not how I meant it. I apologized for saying it that way and said, "Of course you can confide in me. I will keep your confidence, I just hope you are honest and authentic with me and refocus on recovery. It is easy to see that you would slip, either like this incident or by drinking. If something goes wrong, just refocus. Remember why you wanted recovery: to save your life, your relationships, your family. I am here for YOU and not for your disease. Just please don't promise me things to keep me protecting a double-life of using and me covering for your disease."
Well he wanted to run but he did stick around and heard me even though he said he was not listening. He did obviously, and the conversation went better but then at one point he said he feels like he is a kid and I am his Mom, always lecturing him and of course he doesn't want to have sex with his Mom! OMG! --There are truths to that: 1)I do incessantly talk, but not because I want to lecture him... in my mind I am opening lines of communication... and trying to address this big incident. 2) It is awful if he thinks of me as a parent not a spouse. But I said I think that's insightful --because our relationship can sometimes be very child-parent (I work, take care of things, cover for him, and he floats...), but it can be much more, and better for both of us. I looked in his eyes and said, "You are a wonderful MAN, and I want you to be a spouse to me. You are strong; you are doing something that takes a lot of strength. You are doing great at a lot of things. You are capable of being a great spouse and father. We can change this dynamic, I need you as my spouse and partner." And he gave me a kiss and said he'll try but I need to stop talking all the time.
So I need to give it a rest and focus on myself which I do not do well as I am always distracted by his issues and behaviours. I mean, I spent all afternoon googling his medications and not doing my work.
The way I am doing this is not working. I am sure I am not the only one who does things the wrong way and the comments from you and others is so helpful. It is a lifeline. Thanks.
One thing that he likes to do is watch movies with me, so we are doing that and I am going to have to focus on work. BTW, I read about how they did a study of people and half went to marriage counseling and half watched romantic comedies (and talked about them) and the ones that watched the movies had much happier outcomes. Maybe it is escapism; maybe there is a magic to learning from other people, even onscreen. He does not like romantic comedies, and so we are watching lots of true life stories. Maybe that helps us. They are often stories of struggle and triumph, which I find encouraging.
My understanding of him and this disease is so small even though my heart is big. I have to really get more educated and do more with Alanon. I say so many stupid things, but I am trying to be nice to me. I am not perfect. God, this is going to be a long ride.
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
I think he is acting so strange. Very hostile, cannot recall, or denies a previous episode of acting out at me. Seems paranoid about the Police. I don't know how to deal with this. Is this recovery, relapse, mental illness or just him??
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Not familiar with those drugs, but I'd assume he's using a larger quantity than you know about. And the method of snorting has a different effect on the body than swallowing. I doubt its helping his bipolar. Would you consider contacting the doctor who treats his bipolar? My suggestion with these hit and miss interactions with him is to let him know your there and you want your husband. But do show him (and yourself) that your also independent and your not going to beg for his attention.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
YES to getting some medical advice from his psych Dr. or whomever is prescribing meds for the bi-polar.
He is still smoking pot, crushing up and snorting pills. The burned foil, glass tubes, over-reacting to you giving him a kiss, etc. and now paranoias about police = drug abuse IMHO.
Both meth and heroin can be smoked or snorted.
He may not be drinking, but he’s not sober. (Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want you to congratulate him on 90 days of being sober. Might feel guilty?)
As someone else asked, does he have people in his life that he could be buying street drugs from? Is there $$ missing? I feel that you were so happy that he’d quit drinking, everything would be golden once the alcohol was gone and that’s just not happening.
My heart breaks for you! The love you still have for him really stands out in your posts.
You have several different situations going on with him—drug abuse, bi-polar and a lying husband who sounds self-centered, angry and mean.
I’m glad you are going to Al-Anon. YOU need the support and advice from others. You must start putting yourself and kids FIRST.
You asked how others felt when we got out of rehab....I was OVERWHELMED. Like in “The Wizard Of Oz” when everything changed from black and white to color. Getting back in the real world was terrifying etc. but I did feel like rehab and then AA meetings were giving me tools on how to deal with life as a sober person.
Maybe try to step back from him, set boundaries and start a plan for a better life for you and the children. Time to put yourself first because he doesn’t seem wiling to do that for you.
Sending you lots of support as you navigate this nightmare.
He is still smoking pot, crushing up and snorting pills. The burned foil, glass tubes, over-reacting to you giving him a kiss, etc. and now paranoias about police = drug abuse IMHO.
Both meth and heroin can be smoked or snorted.
He may not be drinking, but he’s not sober. (Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want you to congratulate him on 90 days of being sober. Might feel guilty?)
As someone else asked, does he have people in his life that he could be buying street drugs from? Is there $$ missing? I feel that you were so happy that he’d quit drinking, everything would be golden once the alcohol was gone and that’s just not happening.
My heart breaks for you! The love you still have for him really stands out in your posts.
You have several different situations going on with him—drug abuse, bi-polar and a lying husband who sounds self-centered, angry and mean.
I’m glad you are going to Al-Anon. YOU need the support and advice from others. You must start putting yourself and kids FIRST.
You asked how others felt when we got out of rehab....I was OVERWHELMED. Like in “The Wizard Of Oz” when everything changed from black and white to color. Getting back in the real world was terrifying etc. but I did feel like rehab and then AA meetings were giving me tools on how to deal with life as a sober person.
Maybe try to step back from him, set boundaries and start a plan for a better life for you and the children. Time to put yourself first because he doesn’t seem wiling to do that for you.
Sending you lots of support as you navigate this nightmare.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
A couple of days ago I crawled into bed with him after a night on the couch and asked him to embrace me and that didn't go to well. he ended up punching my leg when I asked him to hold me for real, not just one arm clutching my shoulder and then he got aggressive and was swinging his arm up and down my body. I brought this up after we both got out of bed, and less than an hour later he said he didn't do that. Gaslighting denial or he has no memory skills, it was pretty memorable and upsetting.
Then I found some pot and asked him where he got it. He said he already had it, which I think is a lie, because he was asking me for money for pot. I also found a disposable credit card package, says from $25 to $500, so I don't know how much he loaded on it... but then I found a statement from a local store that had a debit exactly the same amount as the auto payment amount... so maybe he loaded it with the exact amount so I wouldn't notice. Then I found a bic pen tube with what looks like white powder residue on one end and the other end has grayish-brown dark resin marks about a centimeter from the end. Maybe he was holding that side after smoking pot and getting resin on his fingers. He was also in contact with one of his dealer buddies.
I googled his meds...and a lot of them are also used for helping recovery from heroin, cocaine and meth and alcohol. And also for bipolar.
Now I also noticed some small marks on his legs and arms --could be just carelessness working with tools...
Anyway, all this and the irritability and aggression and he hasn't been listening to the AA Zoom meetings so I think he is using but I don't know what. Is it just the pot and crushed up pills or is he doing something else, IDK.
Today I tried to talk to him about honesty and communication because I want to talk to him about this other stuff, but that did not go well. It ended with him saying he wants to go away for a weekend because he can't take this and I'm up his ass. I suggested he attend a meeting.
This is not going good and I keep thinking about how he will make me sick before I make him well. I am suffering at my job, not sleeping, feeling frozen and panicked. I am trying to listed to meditation and tell myself to focus on work, and pretend he is gone. I am struggling.
Then I found some pot and asked him where he got it. He said he already had it, which I think is a lie, because he was asking me for money for pot. I also found a disposable credit card package, says from $25 to $500, so I don't know how much he loaded on it... but then I found a statement from a local store that had a debit exactly the same amount as the auto payment amount... so maybe he loaded it with the exact amount so I wouldn't notice. Then I found a bic pen tube with what looks like white powder residue on one end and the other end has grayish-brown dark resin marks about a centimeter from the end. Maybe he was holding that side after smoking pot and getting resin on his fingers. He was also in contact with one of his dealer buddies.
I googled his meds...and a lot of them are also used for helping recovery from heroin, cocaine and meth and alcohol. And also for bipolar.
Now I also noticed some small marks on his legs and arms --could be just carelessness working with tools...
Anyway, all this and the irritability and aggression and he hasn't been listening to the AA Zoom meetings so I think he is using but I don't know what. Is it just the pot and crushed up pills or is he doing something else, IDK.
Today I tried to talk to him about honesty and communication because I want to talk to him about this other stuff, but that did not go well. It ended with him saying he wants to go away for a weekend because he can't take this and I'm up his ass. I suggested he attend a meeting.
This is not going good and I keep thinking about how he will make me sick before I make him well. I am suffering at my job, not sleeping, feeling frozen and panicked. I am trying to listed to meditation and tell myself to focus on work, and pretend he is gone. I am struggling.
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by PumpkinSpouse
This is not going good and I keep thinking about how he will make me sick before I make him well. I am suffering at my job, not sleeping, feeling frozen and panicked. I am trying to listed to meditation and tell myself to focus on work, and pretend he is gone. I am struggling.
Read what you wrote about yourself again. If your seeing symptoms showing up because of the stress your under; consider not what you can do for him, but what you can do for yourself. Have you considered distancing yourself from him within the house for a while? How does your becoming sick, doing poorly at work help anyone?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Pumpkin Spouse
Him getting physical with you concerns me - even at a punching on the leg level.
I agree with you.
Can you make him leave - or make your own escape, maybe?
D
Him getting physical with you concerns me - even at a punching on the leg level.
I keep thinking about how he will make me sick before I make him well.
Can you make him leave - or make your own escape, maybe?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 14
Today I was reading about primary and secondary psychopathic behavior or sociopathic behavior. Some of this dovetails with codependency traits... the psychotic person looks for someone who is empathetic, kind, forgiving... I don't know if this is what is happening with him or if this is just me guessing, looking for answers. I don't know exactly, but I do know he says he has a lot of problems expressing emotions, and that he is mentally ill.
He says he loves me, and is trying. He says he has trouble initiating intimacy of any kind, and he was okay with me trying to initiate gentle hugs or small kisses, but it might not always go well. A couple days ago he was ok with me trying to hug him but he literally counted down from ten and said "okay, let go". He seems really messed up. I don't know if this will get better, but he says again that I need to give him time.
This is so odd. Nothing I expected from "recovery". I asked him if he was doing coke, he says no. I asked him if he was drinking, he said no. I asked him if he was doing other drugs, and if he would tell me the truth and he said he would. My confusion is so great, and my trust is depleted. If he would just talk to me, I could understand better.
So I asked him if he would just try some tips to restore things... going to bed together and just talking. Getting up and having coffee in bed together. I am willing to do baby steps, but we haven't gone to bed together, because I dread him being freaked out, and when I have come to bed later and manage to keep myself there instead of getting up in the middle of the night from fatigue and lonliness, he bolts from the bed in the morning. He seems so incredibly afraid of intimacy. I think there must be trauma attached to his behaviors… maybe that triggered him becoming an alcoholic... but then I ended up back thinking is possibly a sociopath or psychopath. I really don't want to think that. If he was really a psychopath he wouldn't be able to be loving to the kids, which he is, although he is not present the way he should be as a father.
I miss him. I want my husband back. Right now, I don't know how to even expect him to recover, and I cannot imagine how long that would take. If anyone has experienced anything like this, let me know.
I don't know if I can call his doctor. He usually does not sign HIPPA forms for me. He says his medical stuff is private. So I think if I call his doctor he will feel I am violating his privacy, and things will get worse.
He says he loves me, and is trying. He says he has trouble initiating intimacy of any kind, and he was okay with me trying to initiate gentle hugs or small kisses, but it might not always go well. A couple days ago he was ok with me trying to hug him but he literally counted down from ten and said "okay, let go". He seems really messed up. I don't know if this will get better, but he says again that I need to give him time.
This is so odd. Nothing I expected from "recovery". I asked him if he was doing coke, he says no. I asked him if he was drinking, he said no. I asked him if he was doing other drugs, and if he would tell me the truth and he said he would. My confusion is so great, and my trust is depleted. If he would just talk to me, I could understand better.
So I asked him if he would just try some tips to restore things... going to bed together and just talking. Getting up and having coffee in bed together. I am willing to do baby steps, but we haven't gone to bed together, because I dread him being freaked out, and when I have come to bed later and manage to keep myself there instead of getting up in the middle of the night from fatigue and lonliness, he bolts from the bed in the morning. He seems so incredibly afraid of intimacy. I think there must be trauma attached to his behaviors… maybe that triggered him becoming an alcoholic... but then I ended up back thinking is possibly a sociopath or psychopath. I really don't want to think that. If he was really a psychopath he wouldn't be able to be loving to the kids, which he is, although he is not present the way he should be as a father.
I miss him. I want my husband back. Right now, I don't know how to even expect him to recover, and I cannot imagine how long that would take. If anyone has experienced anything like this, let me know.
I don't know if I can call his doctor. He usually does not sign HIPPA forms for me. He says his medical stuff is private. So I think if I call his doctor he will feel I am violating his privacy, and things will get worse.
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