Lines

I believe it's normal to have nightmares at this stage. Had some cravings that went along very strong. Extremely strong and wasn't so much related to the present where I've relapsed and been using small amounts of cocaine. BUT instead the flashbacks are to 6 years ago when I had my one and only binge.

This week I've not been struggling with sniffing coke, but that time period when I got so bad I was injecting. I could literally feel,it, and it has me really disturbed. Why after all these years would my mind go there?.?

During this whole relapse which was minor in relation; all I've thought of was that time 6 years ago, the depths of it, and all I went through to get well. all that has come back. Like I'm reliving it. It feels like PTSD. Tomorrow I have a session online with my doctor and I guess I will try to talk about it.

Thoughts? Anyone experience anything similar?

Dee74

I think right now it's natural for anyone's mind to wander to escape Lines.

Escape is fine - read a book, watch a movie, play a video game, daydream - but dont let your inner addict have a vote

'grats on the month

D.

anxiousrock

I have the nightmares like alllll the time. Horrible in recovery. I think the flashbacks may be related to anxiety - they are for me anyways. Talking to someone like a doctor or therapist does help!
but for the nightmares I hate there's nothing you can do they just happen.

Lines

I remember having them before. I think they were around for months. I didnt have any until this weekend and now it makes me angry or feeling victimized by my brain! Tonight I'm going to get on the treadmill and run until I'm physically exhausted. Maybe that will help.

Dee, With this time off work I'm actually watching movies in their entirety. I've been working to focus on the movie and relax instead of being distracted by many thoughts, work issues. A mental break.

I'm not giving up my month on Friday. Only way through this is to walk it. I know it will get better. But I'm also happy I'm at home and have no connected coworker nearby. Also did the right thing by not leaving anything here at home. And in honesty, I had to think twice or 4 times about leaving just a little in case. But I made the right decision and didnt.

Steely

Great decision Lines.

I'm having a lot of memories return. I think it's part of giving up an anaesthetic. I had it in Spades with benzo withdrawal.

I'm much better at observing the memory now. More able to be objective, where once it upset me.

I think it's a good thing. It's given me the chance to understand myself better. They good and the bad.

Congrats on 4 weeks. It gets better.

Gabe1980

I just had a conversation this morning about this.....I have really vivid and disturbing dreams about drinking, have affairs and and mistreating people. Really scary, as I wake up almost tasting the alcohol...

I think you are just processing your past and your addiction but I also think things are coming up for lots of people because of what is happening in the world. It's bringing things to the surface that we don't normally have time to compute. That's my theory anyway....the subconscious is a powerful thing but not to worry too much about it, they are just dreams and although disturbing they can't hurt you.

Lines

Hey Gabe. Were your nightmares of real events from your past or did they just go everywhere dark?

Lucinda2

Hi Lines,
It is a roller coaster for sure and pretty normal I would say. The early days are gonna be all over the place. Often this stuff will ease with time, one month is great but it is still early days.

But if that PTSD feeling stays with you, if you stay well you can work on that later. Staying well means that we get the opportunity to deal with stuff if we need to. I did a couple of months in counselling just recently for very similar.

Congratulations on your month. That is fab.

Warm wishes
Lucinda

TimeNeedsTime

Hi lines with regards to the dreaming/nightmares its the brain reigniting itself if you are in early recovery/withdrawl.
I numbed my brain soooo much i didnt dream diddly squat for decades, and when I stopped it was like booooom. I will be honest here with you I was having them for about maybe 8 weeks when i first got sober so give it time. Really frightening to have nightmares after years of nothingness isnt it.

It will pass, you will prevail. One day at a time.

NicLin

This is all so normal and trust me, you are not alone!
It took forever for me to stop sweating through the night, and clenching my fists (I have done that for the past ten years).
It all gets so much better, believe me.
Congrats to you!

Lines

I think what gets to me is that I have been using relatively small amounts of cocaine. Not mixing it with alcohol. Not using anything else with it for the most part. I have been using it for over 6 months but I also stopped around the holidays when I had time off work. That was over a month then and I dont remember nightmares or feeling so much fatigue. (Its some better than it was week 1-2).

I had another one since I posted this. Not as bad, but not good. And the dreams go back in time to years ago when I was using and got severely messed up binging. The one and only time I ever actually had a problem with the drug. But I was also drinking and took other drugs.

I talked to my Dr this week and he confirmed nightmares, insomnia and such are normal. He also wanted to adjust the antidepressant he prescribed. So I just switched dosage. He seems to think years ago were my most powerful memories, and yes the whole thing and recovery from it was like a trauma.
and then we got into a discussion on why I push myself so hard, why I can't give myself a break, have I more work to do on self forgiveness, compassion, and giving myself credit where it's due. Why I can never live up to my own expectations.

prior to my relapse last year. My wife and I had decided to start a family. We talked it to death and you know deep down I guess I still worried about being a good dad. And then when she got pregnant we were both really happy. I was also running a mile a minute in my mind. But I was ok. And then about 3 weeks later she miscarried. All my attention went to her because she was so sad. I was sad, but I also felt in some weird way that it was because God knew I was going to be a crappy father. And then I started working a lot. Wasn't sleeping good. Took time off to be with my wife. Worked more to catch up. Was so tired. And then a coworker came in too energetic and I asked what was wrong with him. And then came the offer of some coke. Which I turned down and then accepted a couple days later.

So now I'm supposed to spend some time on examanjng my negative thoughts of self. And also what am I feeling that has prevented me from telling my other accountability person what happened? I told my wife and felt relief. But the other person I mean I will have to do it over skype.

still confused but tomorrow is a month off. And I dont want to use it again. EVER.

sortofhomecomin

Lines

I've been there too.