Dry Drunk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 21
Dry Drunk
I have been a lurker for a long time. I’m now on day 44. Longest I have gone in 10 yrs. I have tried everything to moderate my drinking, however it maybe lasted a week. Broke every rule I set in place. So I know I cannot have one drink ever.
My current plan has been not to drink. In the beginning it was one minute at a time. Now I don’t really think about it. I have also been reading SR and Reddit daily. I have read sober books. I listen to sober podcasts daily. I keep seeing and hearing if your not going to meetings you will fail. My wife is very supportive, we have talked more in the last 44 days then we have in years.
Are you destined to fail if you don’t work the steps?
My current plan has been not to drink. In the beginning it was one minute at a time. Now I don’t really think about it. I have also been reading SR and Reddit daily. I have read sober books. I listen to sober podcasts daily. I keep seeing and hearing if your not going to meetings you will fail. My wife is very supportive, we have talked more in the last 44 days then we have in years.
Are you destined to fail if you don’t work the steps?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
A program, any program, whether it’s AA, SMART, Refuge recovery, Lifering, helps to prevent relapse.
I went to AA for about a year when I first embraced recovery. While it was not ultimately the program for me, and I didn’t replace it with something else, being in a community of like minded, caring people helped me a lot early on.
Recovery websites and podcasts have been helpful, too.
Good luck.
I went to AA for about a year when I first embraced recovery. While it was not ultimately the program for me, and I didn’t replace it with something else, being in a community of like minded, caring people helped me a lot early on.
Recovery websites and podcasts have been helpful, too.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 87
I don't believe it is absolutely necessary to work the steps for the most part. There are sober people who have never stepped into AA and there are people who frequent AA and work the steps who can't find sobriety. I think whatever works for your own sobriety is what you should be doing.
That said, I think the idea of Step 1 is critical. To fully surrender and realize our powerlessness over alcohol is essential.
SC
That said, I think the idea of Step 1 is critical. To fully surrender and realize our powerlessness over alcohol is essential.
SC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Agree, and was going to say something similar.
My recovery picked up traction when I fully, truly, irrevocably accepted that I couldn’t moderate, and that alcohol could no longer be in my life.
My recovery picked up traction when I fully, truly, irrevocably accepted that I couldn’t moderate, and that alcohol could no longer be in my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Here is what it came down to for me.
Imagine there was a bookmaker that gave odds on staying sober for the rest of your life.
Or an insurance company with whom you can take out relapse insurance.
They have been doing this for decades and know the odds inside out.
Statistically, the best odds of being sober for the rest of your life are by using a life long recovery method that has a proven track record of people who have done exactly that .... stayed sober the rest of their lives. They passed away having been sober for decades.
If you were to tell the bookmaker or the insurance company you are doing that method, you will pay smaller premiums or get shorter odds.
Tell them you are going to just not drink and make it up as you go along, you would get higher premiums / longer odds.
This scenario might sound far fetched, but look at it from a slightly different angle. You want car insurance, they ask you if you have a license, have you done any defensive driving courses, how long have you been driving ?
If you told them, I don't have a license, been on zero courses and have no experience, I just bought a car and am hoping for the best, you would either get an exorbitant premium or be deemed uninsurable.
Its your life, so think wisely.
You will of course get a wide variety of answers on this question, but you should ask yourself "how long have the people who are telling me what works, been sober?"
When I went to the program I currently use, I met a guy who had been sober longer than I had been alive.
I went to that program aged 42.
That absolutely blew my mind and left me with the impression that if I truly wanted to stay sober for the rest of my life, then this is a guy who might be worth listening to.
Imagine there was a bookmaker that gave odds on staying sober for the rest of your life.
Or an insurance company with whom you can take out relapse insurance.
They have been doing this for decades and know the odds inside out.
Statistically, the best odds of being sober for the rest of your life are by using a life long recovery method that has a proven track record of people who have done exactly that .... stayed sober the rest of their lives. They passed away having been sober for decades.
If you were to tell the bookmaker or the insurance company you are doing that method, you will pay smaller premiums or get shorter odds.
Tell them you are going to just not drink and make it up as you go along, you would get higher premiums / longer odds.
This scenario might sound far fetched, but look at it from a slightly different angle. You want car insurance, they ask you if you have a license, have you done any defensive driving courses, how long have you been driving ?
If you told them, I don't have a license, been on zero courses and have no experience, I just bought a car and am hoping for the best, you would either get an exorbitant premium or be deemed uninsurable.
Its your life, so think wisely.
You will of course get a wide variety of answers on this question, but you should ask yourself "how long have the people who are telling me what works, been sober?"
When I went to the program I currently use, I met a guy who had been sober longer than I had been alive.
I went to that program aged 42.
That absolutely blew my mind and left me with the impression that if I truly wanted to stay sober for the rest of my life, then this is a guy who might be worth listening to.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,244
no, you are not destined to fail. of course not. there were people who got and stayed sober before the steps were written. for centuries. and ongoing.
many are here, on this site, also.
i took the steps after years of the sobriety, to clean up my relationships with the past and present, and because they were/are a great way for me to live my life. they have nothing to do with meetings.
by living life in this way, i do think i have a better shot at contented lifelong sobriety.
many are here, on this site, also.
i took the steps after years of the sobriety, to clean up my relationships with the past and present, and because they were/are a great way for me to live my life. they have nothing to do with meetings.
by living life in this way, i do think i have a better shot at contented lifelong sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
Most of the people I know who quit drinking without going to rehabs or using any type of program. In my case, I decided I needed to go into an outpatient program and also used AA and Smart recovery meetings and thats what worked for me. I know that getting immersed in ones culture, community, spirituality and stuff like will vary but I've seen people use those things instead of any program and stay sober.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,645
Hello hail! It's wonderful to have you join us. Congrats on your 44 days & your positive post - I'm so glad your life is improving since you are alcohol free.
I have not worked the steps. I have 12 yrs. of sobriety after drinking for 30 yrs. For me, it was give it up or die - I was drinking all day & my life was in ruins. However, I also know people who credit working the steps with their sobriety. They intend to stay with AA for life.
As others have said - admitting we can never moderate with long term success is essential. The knowledge & admission that once it's in our system all bets are off - that's what had to happen for me.
I have not worked the steps. I have 12 yrs. of sobriety after drinking for 30 yrs. For me, it was give it up or die - I was drinking all day & my life was in ruins. However, I also know people who credit working the steps with their sobriety. They intend to stay with AA for life.
As others have said - admitting we can never moderate with long term success is essential. The knowledge & admission that once it's in our system all bets are off - that's what had to happen for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by hail 
I have been a lurker for a long time. I’m now on day 44. Longest I have gone in 10 yrs. I have tried everything to moderate my drinking, however it maybe lasted a week. Broke every rule I set in place. So I know I cannot have one drink ever.
My current plan has been not to drink. In the beginning it was one minute at a time. Now I don’t really think about it. I have also been reading SR and Reddit daily. I have read sober books. I listen to sober podcasts daily. I keep seeing and hearing if your not going to meetings you will fail. My wife is very supportive, we have talked more in the last 44 days then we have in years.
Are you destined to fail if you don’t work the steps?
My current plan has been not to drink. In the beginning it was one minute at a time. Now I don’t really think about it. I have also been reading SR and Reddit daily. I have read sober books. I listen to sober podcasts daily. I keep seeing and hearing if your not going to meetings you will fail. My wife is very supportive, we have talked more in the last 44 days then we have in years.
Are you destined to fail if you don’t work the steps?
Here's the bottom line I learned in AA: You're destined to fail the day you stop appreciating your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,189
The commitment to life long abstinence seems essential to recovery. I have never actually known an alcoholic who successfully learned to moderate. The Big Book says the steps are only suggestions. My best friend is 30 years sober, never went to a meeting, and probably could not tell you what Step One was. He just decided to quit drinking for good.
But I rather doubt that vowing to never drink again is a blank check that buys you the power to not have to do anything else. Recovery seems to be a bit more involved and other changes and perception shifts are often involved. While my friend looked like he just up and quit, my guess is that he processed a lot of thoughts and information without talking about it. But I don't know that, because... well, he never talked about it.
Meetings were helpful to me early on. The steps not so much, but as an adult, I do a lot of personal care taking that today seems to be fashionably referred to as "mindfulness," or taking inventory and making corrections. It's the kind of thing you would do with a counselor or therapist.
I guess a dry drunk is probably a person who is sober, but not happy about it. But I'm not going guess why he's not happy, or what it is that he might be doing wrong, if anything. It would be a tough place to be, however.
But I rather doubt that vowing to never drink again is a blank check that buys you the power to not have to do anything else. Recovery seems to be a bit more involved and other changes and perception shifts are often involved. While my friend looked like he just up and quit, my guess is that he processed a lot of thoughts and information without talking about it. But I don't know that, because... well, he never talked about it.
Meetings were helpful to me early on. The steps not so much, but as an adult, I do a lot of personal care taking that today seems to be fashionably referred to as "mindfulness," or taking inventory and making corrections. It's the kind of thing you would do with a counselor or therapist.
I guess a dry drunk is probably a person who is sober, but not happy about it. But I'm not going guess why he's not happy, or what it is that he might be doing wrong, if anything. It would be a tough place to be, however.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Nothing to add but congrats on being here. I am sober without AA, plenty of people here sober with AA - whatever works is what works.
A plan is what is needed. That and full complete and absolute acceptance of the fact that you can't drink anymore, even if that acceptance comes on a day to day, hour to hour basis.
Welcome and good work.
A plan is what is needed. That and full complete and absolute acceptance of the fact that you can't drink anymore, even if that acceptance comes on a day to day, hour to hour basis.
Welcome and good work.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by hail
Are you destined to fail if you don’t work the steps?
Does everyone need to work the steps? no, of course not.
Do I need to? - well.... kinda. I suppose it's possible that I could stay sober for the rest of my life even if I never worked the steps again but my reality has been that the steps and the AA recovery program have helped me in just about every area of life so I can't think of a reason I'd NOT want to keep on doing them.
I've been that "dry drunk" several times and in my experience, it was at least as bad as but probably worse than drinking was. At least when I was drinking I had a culprit to blame - the drinking. When you're dry and exhibiting every single bad habit you had when drinking but now what you thought was "the" cause of it isn't a part of your life because you're not drinking......well.......then ya figure out that the problem all along was "me." Tough pill to swallow, for sure. As painful as it was, those spells of "dry drunkenness" have been my best teachers. It was only because of them that I really picked my game up and got progressively more serious about and more involved in my own recovery.
Would your life / recovery be improved by engaging in AA? I'd say yes, and possibly no. Most people who I've seen come to AA over the past 13 years try part of the steps, parts of them, or maybe just parts of all of them but not many do the whole deal. My personal experience when I did that sees to match up with just about everyone else's experience who I've watched first-hand do this - that it doesn't work and that AA sucks.
It's kinda funny that way... doing 1/3 or 1/2 doesn't get ya 1/3 or half... it seems to get ya zero with a bunch of what looks like wasted time and effort along the way. I've yet to find anything.....and I've looked hard.... that produces better results for me. So would I recommend it, of course. Is it right for you? That's up to you to answer for yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,606
Hi Hail - welcome back
I've not used AA - so my answer would be no, you're not destined to fail.
There are a lot of approaches at play here.
Mine can be summed up as -
look around here find a way that makes sense to you and go for it
D
I've not used AA - so my answer would be no, you're not destined to fail.
There are a lot of approaches at play here.
Mine can be summed up as -
- do not drink,
- build a happy life without drinking,
- make the changes necessary to find that happiness,
- have support and use it regularly whether giving or taking advice.
look around here find a way that makes sense to you and go for it
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 465
You're not destined to fail if you don't work the steps.
I attended mandatory AA meetings (signed attendance verification required) for 1 year, as part of my formal alcohol-outpatient program.
I attended the meetings religiously, created friendships, listened, and occasionally offered comments.
I didn't get a sponsor, nor did I work the steps. (...although I bought both the Big Book and "12 and 12" and have read them several times-- along with lots of other addiction literature. I still do.)
So, AA was a part of my treatment, although not in the traditional AA sense. I do have my 1 year chip and made it into a keychain...which I treasure, along with my clinic completion chip.
For me, the great thing about AA is the comraderie. We're all just the same--- reaching for the same goal. Listening to peers at meetings was very valuable to me in my recovery.
I attended mandatory AA meetings (signed attendance verification required) for 1 year, as part of my formal alcohol-outpatient program.
I attended the meetings religiously, created friendships, listened, and occasionally offered comments.
I didn't get a sponsor, nor did I work the steps. (...although I bought both the Big Book and "12 and 12" and have read them several times-- along with lots of other addiction literature. I still do.)
So, AA was a part of my treatment, although not in the traditional AA sense. I do have my 1 year chip and made it into a keychain...which I treasure, along with my clinic completion chip.
For me, the great thing about AA is the comraderie. We're all just the same--- reaching for the same goal. Listening to peers at meetings was very valuable to me in my recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
My friends Derringer and DriGuy said my thoughts well.
So I'll add this, which I believe applies to everyone:
the opposite of addiction is connection.
So "going it alone" or to me the dreaded word "dry" is both unnecessary and far less likely to create a full sober life.
Lots of ways to do it.
The thing is: what kind of life do you want?
I celebrated 4 yrs sober yesterday and considered myself a recovered alcoholic thanks to AA, and lots of additional support. I simply cannot imagine a better, more perfectly imperfect life than I have now, and I had a lot of people (including SR friends) to thank for helping me get and keep living in this space.
So I'll add this, which I believe applies to everyone:
the opposite of addiction is connection.
So "going it alone" or to me the dreaded word "dry" is both unnecessary and far less likely to create a full sober life.
Lots of ways to do it.
The thing is: what kind of life do you want?
I celebrated 4 yrs sober yesterday and considered myself a recovered alcoholic thanks to AA, and lots of additional support. I simply cannot imagine a better, more perfectly imperfect life than I have now, and I had a lot of people (including SR friends) to thank for helping me get and keep living in this space.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
I did not use AA. I did tell myself early on I would use every conceivable recovery method I needed to stay sober if I had too.
I used the following tools.
Reading and posting to SR daily
10 one on one addiction counseling sessions
watching alcohol documentaries on YouTube or intervention
reading This naked mind (in my opinion an extremely helpful book)
I was open to, but ended up not needing.
AA
inpatient rehab
Outpatient rehab
for what it's worth I thought 2 to 4 months was the most difficult time. I was fully recovered at 6 months. I say fully recovered meaning I no longer needed to plan around not drinking. I still have insignificant passing temptations to drink.
I used the following tools.
Reading and posting to SR daily
10 one on one addiction counseling sessions
watching alcohol documentaries on YouTube or intervention
reading This naked mind (in my opinion an extremely helpful book)
I was open to, but ended up not needing.
AA
inpatient rehab
Outpatient rehab
for what it's worth I thought 2 to 4 months was the most difficult time. I was fully recovered at 6 months. I say fully recovered meaning I no longer needed to plan around not drinking. I still have insignificant passing temptations to drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,982
No, you do not need to work the steps to get, and stay sober.
However, Step #1 is critical. This one you must do.
Getting sober involves changing your thinking, behavior and attitudes regarding many aspects of life. You can accomplish this without going to AA, but it is going to take a lot of work.
The steps of AA give you a roadmap for that process and provide a "coach" (sponsor) to help you get there. This may make the process easier for a lot of people.
However, Step #1 is critical. This one you must do.
Getting sober involves changing your thinking, behavior and attitudes regarding many aspects of life. You can accomplish this without going to AA, but it is going to take a lot of work.
The steps of AA give you a roadmap for that process and provide a "coach" (sponsor) to help you get there. This may make the process easier for a lot of people.
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