Vague, Murky, Memories.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Vague, Murky, Memories.
I know it does no good to dwell on the past. However, there are so many nights, where I think I went out alone. I would lose cell phones, keys, wallet, cash etc. But I would also interact with strangers/barstaff. I would even get in fights.
What drives me crazy is that I had no intentions to go out and just don't know what my mindset was. I would spend hundreds of dollars and then have to go to a foodbank because that was grocery money. The bars I remember would sometimes be in a completely different neighborhood. No recollection how I got there or back. Very vague memories that, because they are so numerous, I just don't quite know when or if they happened.
I know alcohol is the reason I do these things but I can't stop replaying these murky memories in my head over and over. It drives me to drink. I just want to be able to sleep and have a clear mind.
I am stuck in this mindset constantly.
What drives me crazy is that I had no intentions to go out and just don't know what my mindset was. I would spend hundreds of dollars and then have to go to a foodbank because that was grocery money. The bars I remember would sometimes be in a completely different neighborhood. No recollection how I got there or back. Very vague memories that, because they are so numerous, I just don't quite know when or if they happened.
I know alcohol is the reason I do these things but I can't stop replaying these murky memories in my head over and over. It drives me to drink. I just want to be able to sleep and have a clear mind.
I am stuck in this mindset constantly.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I could make an unshakeable decision not to drink one morning and be literally running down the road to the liquor store 5 mins later.
why?? I was addicted.
I had no real idea what sobriety was in those days.
I was, at best between drinks.
I spent a lot of time thinking about drinking, planning drinking, justifying drinking and...drinking.
When I started to put that kind of effort into not drinking, into planning my recovery reaching out for support and justifying a healthy decision to stay sober, that's when things changed for me.
D
why?? I was addicted.
I had no real idea what sobriety was in those days.
I was, at best between drinks.
I spent a lot of time thinking about drinking, planning drinking, justifying drinking and...drinking.
When I started to put that kind of effort into not drinking, into planning my recovery reaching out for support and justifying a healthy decision to stay sober, that's when things changed for me.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I also have these lurking, also many memories of past incidents and traumas (from bad to just slightly embarrassing) keep popping into my head, and I feel my cheeks burn and heart rate rise. I'm 9months sober now and I'm learning to call them 'memory bubbles' and I've found that looking around and my surroundings, and saying to myself that I'm safe, it's over and it will never happen again, really helps it move on xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 86
WL.....Man I can relate.While under the influence I have blacked out and done some pretty ignorant ****,i cringe at the thoughts.It usually brought on women(Im married),cops,bar managers,waitresess,Ive assaulted someone with no recollection of it.ZERO!.....So yeah lawyers judges, and jail.Its hard to sleep.Hang in there man.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I'm glad I found a way to finally clear my head of all my alcohol induced wreckage.
Its not an easy decision to make nor a particularly easy process to take but it is very worth while.
For me it came down to 1 of 3 things
Do I want to have this stuff running around my head keeping me awake for the rest of my life ?
Do I think I can go on like this and not eventually resort to a drink to blot it all out ? (My track record suggested that is exactly where I go with this and did so for 20 years)
Am I willing to take action beyond just doing what I've always done and wishing for a different result ?
Its not an easy decision to make nor a particularly easy process to take but it is very worth while.
For me it came down to 1 of 3 things
Do I want to have this stuff running around my head keeping me awake for the rest of my life ?
Do I think I can go on like this and not eventually resort to a drink to blot it all out ? (My track record suggested that is exactly where I go with this and did so for 20 years)
Am I willing to take action beyond just doing what I've always done and wishing for a different result ?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,706
Most of my late 20's/early 30's is foggy and a blur considering I was drunk half the week solid, every week for a few years. Looking back at it now seems like such a waste 
but I can't change it, only learn from it. And yes I can identify with losing wallets, phones, etc too. I was pretty accident prone also.
but I can't change it, only learn from it. And yes I can identify with losing wallets, phones, etc too. I was pretty accident prone also.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Nsw
Posts: 408
With time away I have found these thoughts to be not relevant anymore.
it is one of the things I am looking forward to over the next week. ...
Some real sleep and some clarity and priority in my thinking again.
it is one of the things I am looking forward to over the next week. ...
Some real sleep and some clarity and priority in my thinking again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
This quote from Oprah helped me to let go of the past and move on:
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. It's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I know alcohol is the reason I do these things but I can't stop replaying these murky memories in my head over and over. It drives me to drink.
I had two options on things that I could change in order to be able to sleep and have a clear mind. The first option was to stop replaying those things from my past. The second option was to stop drinking.
I finally chose the second option which was to stop drinking. Which with time and work solved the replaying the past issue as well. Which with time and work solved the issue of being driven to drink in the first place.
For me, changing only one thing initially broke the cycle that I was stuck in. Breaking the cycle gave me breathing room. Having breathing room led me to the peace of mind I experience today.
The cycle of peace and serenity that I am in today...was started by changing only one thing initially.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I thought I was never going to get past replaying all the things I had done over and over again in my head. It was torture for a while. It was painful as heck, and I hated it. But I also knew that the only way to get past it was to go through it, and that if I tried to avoid the pain I'd want to drink, and then I'd do more things I didn't want to think about, on and on and on.
It took time. But eventually the thoughts and memories faded. I still have random memories that pop up and make me cringe. But after 5+ years of not drinking and adding to the "archives" in my head, I can move past them and remember that I don't do that stuff anymore.
The only way to begin to get out of that mindset is to quit drinking.
It took time. But eventually the thoughts and memories faded. I still have random memories that pop up and make me cringe. But after 5+ years of not drinking and adding to the "archives" in my head, I can move past them and remember that I don't do that stuff anymore.
The only way to begin to get out of that mindset is to quit drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
What about rethinking a new career and perhaps going back to school?
There are things you could do. You limit yourself and staying stuck in the past regrets from “drunks past” will keep you from healing.
Playing those old memories over and over isn’t helping you. I remember really well that bitter pain of trying to recollect what I said or did but not really wanting to know either.
Why not try to put it behind you for good, since the same old habits will yield the same results?
The cycle needs to stop but you have to be willing to be uncomfortable, take risks, and engage in life again WL.
You are smart, sensitive, and have learned some hard lessons through your addiction.
You have a lot to offer the world WL. Don’t drink your life away.
There are things you could do. You limit yourself and staying stuck in the past regrets from “drunks past” will keep you from healing.
Playing those old memories over and over isn’t helping you. I remember really well that bitter pain of trying to recollect what I said or did but not really wanting to know either.
Why not try to put it behind you for good, since the same old habits will yield the same results?
The cycle needs to stop but you have to be willing to be uncomfortable, take risks, and engage in life again WL.
You are smart, sensitive, and have learned some hard lessons through your addiction.
You have a lot to offer the world WL. Don’t drink your life away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I have that murk in my past, too. My brain was depressed by a central nervous system depressant, alcohol, a powerful neurotoxin, when it occurred. Of course I don’t remember much. No one does.
It became important to me to construct my life to be absent of it. At first I focused on constructing that absence by eliminating the offending substance. Then I gathered what I had, and later used it all to create new things.
Every moment is an opportunity to start this. If it was just a button you pressed and worked automatically none of us would be here. But we also wouldn’t be here if it couldn’t be done.
You won’t get in fights you don’t remember, wake up in strange places, lose your wallet, and spend your food money on memories that don’t exist, if you stop acquiring and consuming the catalyst for these actions.
After that I think it’s important not to forget just so you can not fall in the trap of romanticizing it.
You’re alive right now, so you can make this cycle a distant memory. If you could only have seen me, staggering around muttering and yelling, waking up in strange places, sick, incoherent, in my grossest moments, and now, I floss my teeth and remember peoples’ names and what I did or didn’t do last week, my bills get paid and I’m not hung over, ever. I don’t consume neurotoxins so my neurons function perfectly. It’s science!
It became important to me to construct my life to be absent of it. At first I focused on constructing that absence by eliminating the offending substance. Then I gathered what I had, and later used it all to create new things.
Every moment is an opportunity to start this. If it was just a button you pressed and worked automatically none of us would be here. But we also wouldn’t be here if it couldn’t be done.
You won’t get in fights you don’t remember, wake up in strange places, lose your wallet, and spend your food money on memories that don’t exist, if you stop acquiring and consuming the catalyst for these actions.
After that I think it’s important not to forget just so you can not fall in the trap of romanticizing it.
You’re alive right now, so you can make this cycle a distant memory. If you could only have seen me, staggering around muttering and yelling, waking up in strange places, sick, incoherent, in my grossest moments, and now, I floss my teeth and remember peoples’ names and what I did or didn’t do last week, my bills get paid and I’m not hung over, ever. I don’t consume neurotoxins so my neurons function perfectly. It’s science!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,182
What Dee said about all the time planning drinking and justifying it...wow, that sounds so familiar. It was like a second job trying to make all the moves that, if I was lucky, would help me go undetected or avoid a confrontation. Turns out that when I was "successful" in doing that it was usually just my wife deciding it wasn't worth the battle.
I have murky memories also, but I think what bugs me more is family photos where I can remember clearly that I was drunk, what I was drinking that day and etc. So many great pictures of people I love and it makes me sad that I was under the influence in many of them.
I have murky memories also, but I think what bugs me more is family photos where I can remember clearly that I was drunk, what I was drinking that day and etc. So many great pictures of people I love and it makes me sad that I was under the influence in many of them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi WL,
I found mindfulness to be a really helpful piece to my recovery. There are lots of apps, and free YouTube videos on the topic. Staying focused on the present removes some of those feelings you’re having now. You can learn from your past, but it’s not healthy for you to dwell on it. Why don’t you give mindfulness techniques a shot, and see how it goes.
I found mindfulness to be a really helpful piece to my recovery. There are lots of apps, and free YouTube videos on the topic. Staying focused on the present removes some of those feelings you’re having now. You can learn from your past, but it’s not healthy for you to dwell on it. Why don’t you give mindfulness techniques a shot, and see how it goes.
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