ShiftHappens

Merry Christmas everyone!

A friend of mine invited me to Christmas dinner.

Honestly, I'd rather stay home, I never enjoyed the mega socializing around holiday time.

This friend however I feel obliged to as she helped me through the whole court thing over the infamous Toilet Paper incident, rushed William into her Veterinarians office when he was ill, and then made arrangements for him when he passed.

A truly good friend.

My question:

How long do I stay and still be considered polite?

Sounds awful but there will be drinking, and there is a man attending that has come to the conclusion that Im divorced and must therefore be "lonely" (not), and is extremely annoying.

Any advice appreciated. Im not even tempted to drink, its just going to be extremely boring and tedious for me.

I know, I know...

Im just not feeling terribly social

Thank you everyone

August252015

Merry Christmas!

Sincerely, I would suggest not going. Such a good friend would be OK with some kind of nice gesture apart from attending? A gift or sending a hand written note. We don't owe people anything for helping us, strange as that sounds, and to me, putting your sobriety and emotional balance first is the only thing "owed" in any direction, and to yourself.

If you go, keep something to drink in hand- take something you like that can be festive too maybe- and let your host know you will be leaving at a certain "point" - this is what I would do with a good friend.

Surrendered19

Your friend will completely understand why you are not attending. Make sure she knows you love her and that is all that you need to do. You don't owe anybody anything. You are a fully formed person and make all of your own decisions now. People who don't respect that never were your friends. You true friend will completely understand. I wouldn't go if I were in your shoes.

ShiftHappens

Thank you. Im going to take a shower and think on this.

Even as a kid I hated these holiday events.

Im a Christmas sour puss

Steely

I don't know of the infamous "toilet paper incident", but it sounds interesting and funny.

I agree with August and Surrendered. Once I would not have. I would have gone because felt 'obliged'. I've changed my mind on that now, and believe your friend would understand. Adult friends do.

Maybe say you'd like to meet up later for coffee, anything. A Christmas dinner with just the two of you. Your shout. Do you say "shout" in the US? It means you pay.

Good friends can talk about things like this. And as a good friend she will understand.

You can't really give a time limit because you'll have to eat dinner, and worse to eat and run.

You are not obliged. You can make it up in other ways.

Buy her flowers. Send a special plum pudding from the fancy patisserie.

Don't go if you don't want to. I'm learning these things now.

HeadEast

Can you drop in for 5 minutes, say hi, and then leave? That's just a quick idea I had if you decided to go. (Maybe you could bring her a roll of that toilet paper that cost you a fortune as a gift). Steely above gives some really good ideas of things to do instead of going. I wish you the best. Merry Christmas.

ShiftHappens

Yes, you know Im going to pop in bearing flowers and gifts for her dogs and bow out.

I have to define and clarify my boundaries. I say yes to too many things because I dont want to seem ungrateful and hurt anyones feelings.

My idea of a pleasant Christmas in listening to my wind chimes, feeling thankful and conditioning my hair

Thanks everone.

And Head East I never wanted to see toilet paper again! But you know, its everywhere, and all the cool kids are using it... lol

I never thought TP could cause so much grief.

faith823

I think you are making the right decision. I have 61 days sober. There are a few friends I whom in the past have worried themselves to death about me. I lie, promise, wish myself OK every time we speak. Or give them some big sob story about how I can not stop drinking..I have given myself some space to just work on me. I need to put my sobriety first. No-one who absolutely loves me is going to be upset that I am doing this work and putting sobriety first. At this point in my life. Your friend sounds lovely and I do think she will understand. Definitely mention to get together after the holidays which I am sure is understood.. I feel so selfish but I am not harming anyone. When I am drinking the harm begins and it is chaos
Merry Christmas I hope your friends dogs enjoy their gifts and you enjoy your solitude and peace

Dee74

I think you made the right call SH

D

MantaLady

I am with you there!! I agree with everyone else here. Pop round, say hello and then scoot off after 30 or so minutes. As the saying goes, those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind. As it’s a good friend the latter will apply x

Boundaries are the forcefield to protect your sobriety. Do what you need to do and it will work out. X

PhoenixJ

I get invited to stuff where I see myself as the 'poor cousin with no family'.
I just stay a while- then go without making excuses. If invited to stay longer, I quietly thank them, but decline and go. I do not socialize that well, but keep some semblance of peace in my brain by not making stuff up. I am not inferring you do. I empathise. I stressed about this so much yesterday (Xmas is earlier here), I gave myself a migraine.

August252015

Let us know how it went. Merry Christmas!

Anna

Shift, let this decision be your Christmas present to yourself. You are making the right choice.

least

Flowers for your friend and toys for her dogs sounds good to me. Stay a half hour then take your leave. Do you know what kind of treats she gives her dogs? If you know what kind, maybe bring a little bag of dog treats. The dogs will love you forever.

NicLin

I think the suggestions here are gold. Definitely listen to your intuition, if it causes you unease, there is a reason.

Yes to treats for pups and maybe you can even go early to help her setup or something, be of service to her and then bow out?

love that you are taking care of you, and also not sure about TP incident but curious as all hell.

lol night!

Nic.

ShiftHappens

Well I went, stayed briefly and came home with a headache.

However, Im learning now not to be so worried about what others think and feel and consider my own feelings.

Truthfully Im a bit miffed at myself at myself for not just saying no thank you.

I never even thought about alcohol yesterday.

i keep waiting for a craving to pop up, but so far just the thought of it makes me nautious.

Thanks for helping navigate a situation I should know how to handle by now.

Work in progress

Dee74

I think you did well.

It took me a few runups before I could say no, then a few more times before I could say it without feeling sick.

Now...no problem lol.

D

ShiftHappens

Wow, I got a bit repetitive up there lol

It was the headache.

Yes, I do stammer a bit when it comes to saying no, but its a necessity for me to maintain serenity in my life.

Thanks Dee

August252015

You did GREAT!!!

I highlighted a few things- the last in bold/ital/underline bc it is the most important! - that we start to learn.
Other people's feelings don't matter as much as our own, we often don't even know what people are thinking or feeling in the first place, and it's rarely even about US!

Learning to navigate is exactly right - and sometimes that means going, making one round at the party and saying good night, and others maybe just not going. That ALL evolves with sober time, in my experience.

Making good choices - the ones that take us further from a drink rather than closer to one- is key and it gets more intuitive.

Good going! A merry Christmas indeed.