Lessons learned in 14 days
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 125
Lessons learned in 14 days
What I've learned in my relapse at 14 days sober:
It does get worse, the science that supports the theory of 'kindling' is correct. It took me 12 days to feel somewhat recovered from this relapse whereas it took 5-7 during my first attempt 18 mo. ago. Symptoms were and are much more debilitating.
One glass turned into 6, 8, or more over time the last 10 months. Moderate drinking is not possible. The desperation for that poison began earlier and earlier in my day until I stopped reasoning with myself on when its "too early". I'll cut down "tomorrow" is delayed and extended over months, until you are sick enough to reconcile with the absolute truth that drives us here to SR.
I went back to habits I detested...lack of productivity, lost time, procrastination, sickness and poisoning my body, fatigue...all the things that pushed me to the edge of living an insane life of self-inflicted misery.
All it took is for me to start with a glass of wine 10 months ago during dinner and in that short time I was back to the place I attempted to escape.
I didn't work hard enough on my recovery and sobriety in that 18 mo. time and somehow forgot of the pain and misery I caused myself in late winter or 2017.
I woke up sick and terrified 14 days ago wondering how I'd gotten back here although months ago the nagging voice in the back of my mind was ringing the alarms.
At 14 days, I recognize and admit it's time for a different approach and different plan...my body works so hard to keep me alive, it's certainly time for me to love myself to try to join that effort.
Thanks to supportive folks on SR for nudging me along, and to those that are starting again...we are all in good company.
It does get worse, the science that supports the theory of 'kindling' is correct. It took me 12 days to feel somewhat recovered from this relapse whereas it took 5-7 during my first attempt 18 mo. ago. Symptoms were and are much more debilitating.
One glass turned into 6, 8, or more over time the last 10 months. Moderate drinking is not possible. The desperation for that poison began earlier and earlier in my day until I stopped reasoning with myself on when its "too early". I'll cut down "tomorrow" is delayed and extended over months, until you are sick enough to reconcile with the absolute truth that drives us here to SR.
I went back to habits I detested...lack of productivity, lost time, procrastination, sickness and poisoning my body, fatigue...all the things that pushed me to the edge of living an insane life of self-inflicted misery.
All it took is for me to start with a glass of wine 10 months ago during dinner and in that short time I was back to the place I attempted to escape.
I didn't work hard enough on my recovery and sobriety in that 18 mo. time and somehow forgot of the pain and misery I caused myself in late winter or 2017.
I woke up sick and terrified 14 days ago wondering how I'd gotten back here although months ago the nagging voice in the back of my mind was ringing the alarms.
At 14 days, I recognize and admit it's time for a different approach and different plan...my body works so hard to keep me alive, it's certainly time for me to love myself to try to join that effort.
Thanks to supportive folks on SR for nudging me along, and to those that are starting again...we are all in good company.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Great post. I am not thinking about relapsing because I know better.
Coming here strengthens my resolve.
Part of me getting well has involved commiting to decisions that impact my little world.
For example. My boss has never internally promoted anyone to the next level. He always hires folks from the outside. Often times they know less and will never know more than me or any of my loyal coworkers.
When I was a drunk this was a trigger. Seems pretty rediculous now.
The boss gets to do what he wants. He is a politician, so when asked he will say whatever it is to shut the person up. Sometimes he does it nice, but usually he will say something that causes more hurt.
My point is that in the brain rewire time of quitting being a drinking drunk, I am finding contentment these days.
Contentment equals tranquility equals peace equals happiness equals natural euphoria etc etc etc.
It just keeps on going in the right and normal direction due to no drug induced brain manipulation.
Sort of like being a little kid, all happy for no reason, but with the brain power of a 55 year old man.
Yay!
Thanks.
Coming here strengthens my resolve.
Part of me getting well has involved commiting to decisions that impact my little world.
For example. My boss has never internally promoted anyone to the next level. He always hires folks from the outside. Often times they know less and will never know more than me or any of my loyal coworkers.
When I was a drunk this was a trigger. Seems pretty rediculous now.
The boss gets to do what he wants. He is a politician, so when asked he will say whatever it is to shut the person up. Sometimes he does it nice, but usually he will say something that causes more hurt.
My point is that in the brain rewire time of quitting being a drinking drunk, I am finding contentment these days.
Contentment equals tranquility equals peace equals happiness equals natural euphoria etc etc etc.
It just keeps on going in the right and normal direction due to no drug induced brain manipulation.
Sort of like being a little kid, all happy for no reason, but with the brain power of a 55 year old man.
Yay!
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 125
Thank you. There will be good and bad days in this, but I will admit that in this relapse I feel excited towards a life of not allowing myself to be held 'hostage' to drinking. Last time my perspective was to just stop and run scared from it, which led me right back here.
Grateful for SR.
Grateful for SR.
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