Back to hell ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 40
Back to hell ....
After 3 weeks of being completely sober and loving life, running and yoga everyday keeping up with a good diet I ended up “hurting myself“ and took a blue. I feel like a ******* failure. I feel so low about myself and I wonder if I truly can ever get sober. Here we go with feeling like complete **** while it withdraws out of my system, sleepless nights, cold sweats, low energy and the worst of all depression and anxiety. I don’t know how to stay sober and I’m slowly going back into the **** hole I’ve tried so hard to stay out of. I’m scared to go to meetings i try and try but can’t seem to get there. I believe I’m going to lose my job or end up Quitting due to the awful withdraws and not being able to deal with them at work. There goes my apartment. I don’t have support and I have absolutely noone to talk to about this. I don’t want a sponsor I don’t know, I have trust issues with telling people my business so I’m on my own and that’s the worst feeling. I come here to read but it seems like everyone is going threw AA and nobody can relate to doing or being in the same position as me. I guess I have no other choice to deal with what is coming but just thinking about it makes me want to go insane and makes me worried that I won’t have anything to help with the withdraws, how do I beat this? How does someone beat dope it’s an endless battle I just want out the devil is REAL and he’s slowly killing me. is anyone else battling this ... any advice helps. 😞😭
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi jj
Thats not really true - there's a lot of methods being used here.
Have you considered SMART Recovery or Lifering, or Refuge Recovery?
There are others too like Celebrate Recovery (Christian) if thats your thing
You could also see your doctor or a counsellor or look into inpatient or outpatient rehab.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)
If fear of meetings is the problem, why not ring up one of the methods above and get someone to meet you before a meeting?
You could try Rational Recovery - they're not meeting based at all.
If you want to change - if you want to get out of hell - there's really no end to the supports you can find and use....but you have to make the decision to do something.
Doing nothing will just end up in more drinking, man.
D
I come here to read but it seems like everyone is going threw AA and nobody can relate to doing or being in the same position as me.
Have you considered SMART Recovery or Lifering, or Refuge Recovery?
There are others too like Celebrate Recovery (Christian) if thats your thing
You could also see your doctor or a counsellor or look into inpatient or outpatient rehab.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)
If fear of meetings is the problem, why not ring up one of the methods above and get someone to meet you before a meeting?
You could try Rational Recovery - they're not meeting based at all.
If you want to change - if you want to get out of hell - there's really no end to the supports you can find and use....but you have to make the decision to do something.
Doing nothing will just end up in more drinking, man.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hello there. Hey fam you are in luck I am here on this site all the time fam. Look I feel you with all you said. But I'm here to tell you I have 176 days of no sauce. And how? Look its all on you. If you tired of going thru this hell called addiction. Then just say f@#k it I'm done. Starting now. Now heres the thing I have not gone to one AA meeting . not for me. However I do alot of recovery reading. Knowledge is power. Google stuff. There is so much out there on this. And then apply things that you feel will work for you. Remember all you have to worry about is one day thats it. Take care of the trinity body..mind spirit. The rest will follow. Mind you I was a booze hound for 30 plus years I'm 49 now. Let me tell you aint nothing like it. So come join us . ✌
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Here are some of the things that really work for me;
- Counselling. Figuring out your feelings are you go is massive. I'm starting to really understand the relapse cycle I was in and the choices I was making. It gives me the power to change how I am thinking and what I am doing.
- Finding people to connect with. For me it is AA and that is helpful but it doesn't have to be. Finding people who you can share who you really are and what you are struggling with.
- Understanding how my mind works. Meditation is great for gaining a greater control over the mind and just calming down and recognising that not everything has to be done today.
- Meds. I had a raging anxiety disorder and can very obsessive about weird and random things, that made me feel like I was going crazy. Getting stable on a medication that worked for me meant I was not drawn back to self-medicating.
You can do this! Learn about yourself and your addiction and you will learn what will work for you.
- Counselling. Figuring out your feelings are you go is massive. I'm starting to really understand the relapse cycle I was in and the choices I was making. It gives me the power to change how I am thinking and what I am doing.
- Finding people to connect with. For me it is AA and that is helpful but it doesn't have to be. Finding people who you can share who you really are and what you are struggling with.
- Understanding how my mind works. Meditation is great for gaining a greater control over the mind and just calming down and recognising that not everything has to be done today.
- Meds. I had a raging anxiety disorder and can very obsessive about weird and random things, that made me feel like I was going crazy. Getting stable on a medication that worked for me meant I was not drawn back to self-medicating.
You can do this! Learn about yourself and your addiction and you will learn what will work for you.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I had trust issues because I lied to myself on a daily basis, how could I trust anyone else?
This is your life. You make your life what it is. Is this the life you crave? Don't you want something that brings you joy on a daily basis?? I prefer the joy to those old painful days of gloom and doom.
It can be as simple as a choice. Do you want to try to be sober? You have to want to be sober a bit more than you want to be drunk. Then once you make that decision, work towards that goal a bit harder. I got sober at the age of 50 after 35+ years of drinking......... I finally did it, I know you can, too!!!!
This is your life. You make your life what it is. Is this the life you crave? Don't you want something that brings you joy on a daily basis?? I prefer the joy to those old painful days of gloom and doom.
It can be as simple as a choice. Do you want to try to be sober? You have to want to be sober a bit more than you want to be drunk. Then once you make that decision, work towards that goal a bit harder. I got sober at the age of 50 after 35+ years of drinking......... I finally did it, I know you can, too!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, and that you relapsed. For me, just deciding not to use and then 'white knuckling' it, didn't work at all. I relapsed over and over for years. I had to start really wanting recovery and doing all sorts of things to get and keep it. I formed a recovery plan and have a recovery toolbox. Everything that helped went into my plan and 'toolbox' and I use them regularly. There is a great link on this site about building a recovery plan, you can type 'recovery plan' into your search bar and find it. The book, 'unexpected joy of sobriety' was priceless for me. There are also tons of recovery podcasts you can listen to on your phone, especially when you're driving around. Eating a lot helped me. Reading and posting on SR helped a lot, too. There are wonderful videos on Youtube. My current favorite is Tommy Rosen, but there are so many to choose from and they can give you ideas and help you stay focused on getting well.
I haven't been going to AA, but I really want to. I have social anxiety, and also I've been so tired. My energy level is finally growing here at two months sober, and I'm feeling less anxious, so that's one of my next steps. Mainly, because I have learned the importance of having a 'sober tribe'. But if AA is not for you, that shouldn't stand in your way. There are so many here on SR who don't use AA.
I am wishing you the best. Please let us know how you're doing!
I haven't been going to AA, but I really want to. I have social anxiety, and also I've been so tired. My energy level is finally growing here at two months sober, and I'm feeling less anxious, so that's one of my next steps. Mainly, because I have learned the importance of having a 'sober tribe'. But if AA is not for you, that shouldn't stand in your way. There are so many here on SR who don't use AA.
I am wishing you the best. Please let us know how you're doing!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I’m glad you decided to come here and post how you are feeling. I’m not sure what a blue is, alcohol was my issue, but addiction is pretty much the same regardless of what it isn’t you’re addicted to.
I hear a lot of what will happen if you continue using in your post, and a lot of negative thinking about you. That’s something you can stop today. None of those things have happened yet, and you have the control over making sure they don’t.
I did not use AA to help me get sober either, I went to a few meetings, and while I found the people there kind and supportive it didn’t seem like the right path for me. I did go through counseling and an addiction education series through my insurance. I found that helpful. I also read a ton of recovery books, and found the extremely helpful, addiction affects people from all socioeconomic groups, it doesn’t discriminate, reading the stories of how people overcame their drinking to reclaim their lives was inspirational, and I also learned from each persons individual story.
I also found that focusing on recovery as a way to become healthy both physically and mentally a good approach for me. The first thing was drinking was not an option, no matter what. I’ve had some very difficult days in the past almost four years that I’ve been sober, and I have felt every emotion they’ve brought with them. I learned new healthier strategies for getting myself through those days/situations. I go for walks everyday, I like to walk outdoors, the connection to nature and exercise helps me reflect on my day, and I am able to let go of some of the stress I may be feeling. Mindfulness has been another huge thing for me. I work really hard to stay focused on the present moment, it is truly the only thing I have control over. I cannot go back and change what’s happened in the past, all I can do is learn from it and use those lessons to help me in the present moment. I also try not to worry about what will happen, this is something I have to work hard at because my anxiety can sometimes start spiraling as I worry about things that may happen. I will use breathing, yoga and grounding exercises to bring me back, you can google mindfulness strategies and you will find lots.
Finally, I read and post here daily. In the early days I found myself logging in every hour or so. My January of 2016 class was extremely helpful, I liked having the support of others who were in the same point of their recovery journey, there are several of us who are getting close to four years now, some that have joined other classes and are at different points in their recovery, and some who stopped posting, the people who continued posting no matter what have found success in sobriety. Why don’t you join the October 2019 class, and also join the November 2019 class once Dee starts that thread, I think they’ll be very helpful for you. You will find that community of support, people who understand you, and fro your post it sounds like you’re looking for this. Another great thread for support is the 24 Hour Recovery Thread, people log in and commit to the next 24 hours, they also share how they’re currently doing, anything that’s good or stressful in their lives and it’s a great place to come and get support if you feel like you might use again.
I know today you’re feeling the effects of using, you can make it the last time. If withdrawals are bad consider a trip to the ER or your doctor, they can help you through this, and also connect you with options for recovery support in your area.
You can do this, and I promise you sobriety is worth it.
❤️Delilah
I hear a lot of what will happen if you continue using in your post, and a lot of negative thinking about you. That’s something you can stop today. None of those things have happened yet, and you have the control over making sure they don’t.
I did not use AA to help me get sober either, I went to a few meetings, and while I found the people there kind and supportive it didn’t seem like the right path for me. I did go through counseling and an addiction education series through my insurance. I found that helpful. I also read a ton of recovery books, and found the extremely helpful, addiction affects people from all socioeconomic groups, it doesn’t discriminate, reading the stories of how people overcame their drinking to reclaim their lives was inspirational, and I also learned from each persons individual story.
I also found that focusing on recovery as a way to become healthy both physically and mentally a good approach for me. The first thing was drinking was not an option, no matter what. I’ve had some very difficult days in the past almost four years that I’ve been sober, and I have felt every emotion they’ve brought with them. I learned new healthier strategies for getting myself through those days/situations. I go for walks everyday, I like to walk outdoors, the connection to nature and exercise helps me reflect on my day, and I am able to let go of some of the stress I may be feeling. Mindfulness has been another huge thing for me. I work really hard to stay focused on the present moment, it is truly the only thing I have control over. I cannot go back and change what’s happened in the past, all I can do is learn from it and use those lessons to help me in the present moment. I also try not to worry about what will happen, this is something I have to work hard at because my anxiety can sometimes start spiraling as I worry about things that may happen. I will use breathing, yoga and grounding exercises to bring me back, you can google mindfulness strategies and you will find lots.
Finally, I read and post here daily. In the early days I found myself logging in every hour or so. My January of 2016 class was extremely helpful, I liked having the support of others who were in the same point of their recovery journey, there are several of us who are getting close to four years now, some that have joined other classes and are at different points in their recovery, and some who stopped posting, the people who continued posting no matter what have found success in sobriety. Why don’t you join the October 2019 class, and also join the November 2019 class once Dee starts that thread, I think they’ll be very helpful for you. You will find that community of support, people who understand you, and fro your post it sounds like you’re looking for this. Another great thread for support is the 24 Hour Recovery Thread, people log in and commit to the next 24 hours, they also share how they’re currently doing, anything that’s good or stressful in their lives and it’s a great place to come and get support if you feel like you might use again.
I know today you’re feeling the effects of using, you can make it the last time. If withdrawals are bad consider a trip to the ER or your doctor, they can help you through this, and also connect you with options for recovery support in your area.
You can do this, and I promise you sobriety is worth it.
❤️Delilah
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
We’re not all in AA. Whatever works for you, try it. This is what I did and recommend:
1. Read this about AVRT:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ined-long.html (AVRT Explained (long))
2. Read the book This Naked Mind. It made me realize alcohol is all a con game. Because of this realization, I could put into practice AVRT.
Please do these two things ASAP today. They saved my life. It’s worth a try, right? You CAN do this.
1. Read this about AVRT:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ined-long.html (AVRT Explained (long))
2. Read the book This Naked Mind. It made me realize alcohol is all a con game. Because of this realization, I could put into practice AVRT.
Please do these two things ASAP today. They saved my life. It’s worth a try, right? You CAN do this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I just tried to edit my original post, but I’m past my 15 minute time. Gratitude is another huge part of my recovery plan. I was just reading on another thread and August shared how Least taught her to always have gratitude, and this is something I always strive to do as well.
A few things there, I feel like I know August and Least because I’ve read and interacted with them for so long on this forum, and I am grateful for both of them! You will find this happening as well if you spend some time on SR, it will truly become an online family that you’re extremely grateful for.
Reading your post above sounds like you’ve got quite a bit to be grateful for already:
-You have a home to live in.
-You have a job
-You have the support of members on this forum
-You have healthy outlets for your emotions through running and yoga
I know you can easily build on this list, but those are a few things that I was able to pull out just from your post.
A few things there, I feel like I know August and Least because I’ve read and interacted with them for so long on this forum, and I am grateful for both of them! You will find this happening as well if you spend some time on SR, it will truly become an online family that you’re extremely grateful for.
Reading your post above sounds like you’ve got quite a bit to be grateful for already:
-You have a home to live in.
-You have a job
-You have the support of members on this forum
-You have healthy outlets for your emotions through running and yoga
I know you can easily build on this list, but those are a few things that I was able to pull out just from your post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I’m not in AA. But I have spent a great deal of time and effort reading everything I can about addiction and beating addiction. SR was a huge lifeline for me. At the beginning, I read SR most of the day. I posted as well. The people here really understand and can relate to what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Gabe1980 
Counselling. Figuring out your feelings are you go is massive. I'm starting to really understand the relapse cycle I was in and the choices I was making. It gives me the power to change how I am thinking and what I am doing..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Jj2518
There goes my apartment. I don’t have support and I have absolutely noone to talk to about this. I don’t want a sponsor I don’t know, I have trust issues with telling people my business so I’m on my own and that’s the worst feeling. I come here to read but it seems like everyone is going threw AA and nobody can relate to doing or being in the same position as me.
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