deliberate relapse
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by hpdw 
D122Y its always an education and a pleasure to read your post / reply .
Have a nice day .
Have a nice day .
I just tell stories about things I learned here and how things are with me.
I hope it helps others. It helps me.
That is a very nice thing to say.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
My Goodness I am overwhelmed by the wisdom ,experience , empathy , strength , hope in response to my post . This helps me in a way I have no words . I feel part of a beautiful group of people who share the same affliction and will stop at nothing to share how it it with them and offer advice to others . All of these responses and I mean every one make me stronger so thank you all, This is love at work .
For Those who are suffering ,craving or cant stop I pray for you and want you to know life can be nice even great even with all its pitfalls but with alcohol it is misery and destruction, I know ,ive been there . God only knows what would have hapened had I been on my own , I KNOW I would have went for more that day ,I might have been in hospital or worse by now so I thank with the deepest of love my family for whom am I lucky to have and who protected me in a desperate hour .
As for the questions of why me , why and how am I an alcoholic etc there were a few responses and most importanty what Dr Bob said and what another poster said " it doesn't matter what the answer is,I CANT DINK ".
Best to all
For Those who are suffering ,craving or cant stop I pray for you and want you to know life can be nice even great even with all its pitfalls but with alcohol it is misery and destruction, I know ,ive been there . God only knows what would have hapened had I been on my own , I KNOW I would have went for more that day ,I might have been in hospital or worse by now so I thank with the deepest of love my family for whom am I lucky to have and who protected me in a desperate hour .
As for the questions of why me , why and how am I an alcoholic etc there were a few responses and most importanty what Dr Bob said and what another poster said " it doesn't matter what the answer is,I CANT DINK ".
Best to all
Last edited by hpdw; 10-04-2019 at 12:10 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 2
Good afternoon.
My view of both addiction and recovery is a little different than some but then I'm am not trying to shove it down anyones throat. Lets just say I remain clean and sober and happy, very happy. I won't discuss my entire view (personal program) just how it applies to relapse.
That first drink the one that got you drunk, well it did a whole lot more than that. It re-animated an uncontrollable compulsion, simply put the ride has probably started again and it will could require 2 to 3 weeks of complete abstinence for that compulsion to revert to simple urges or the occasional yearning.
What's the difference? With the compulsion, no amount of strength or determination you alone can muster will prevent the addicted persona from generating the thoughts, rationals and if all else fails just blind determination that you're gonna use. The urges, yearning and stuff is different.
You others might wanna take notes here, you can't use today and then just go back to recovery tomorrow, doesn't work that way.
Just me, alot if not all might differ.
My view of both addiction and recovery is a little different than some but then I'm am not trying to shove it down anyones throat. Lets just say I remain clean and sober and happy, very happy. I won't discuss my entire view (personal program) just how it applies to relapse.
That first drink the one that got you drunk, well it did a whole lot more than that. It re-animated an uncontrollable compulsion, simply put the ride has probably started again and it will could require 2 to 3 weeks of complete abstinence for that compulsion to revert to simple urges or the occasional yearning.
What's the difference? With the compulsion, no amount of strength or determination you alone can muster will prevent the addicted persona from generating the thoughts, rationals and if all else fails just blind determination that you're gonna use. The urges, yearning and stuff is different.
You others might wanna take notes here, you can't use today and then just go back to recovery tomorrow, doesn't work that way.
Just me, alot if not all might differ.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by Kaily
Interesting post. Thank you.
I am pleased that your wife and son acted so quickly and your relapse was nipped in the bud. Obviously this wouldn't work for everyone.
When I was actively drinking that 3 am thing was a regular occurrence. I would literally ping awake, feel rubbish yet excitement that I could start drinking again. Another nap around 6 am another drink around 8 and on it went... Funny how easily we forget how relentless it is.
Stay vigilant hpdw.
I am pleased that your wife and son acted so quickly and your relapse was nipped in the bud. Obviously this wouldn't work for everyone.
When I was actively drinking that 3 am thing was a regular occurrence. I would literally ping awake, feel rubbish yet excitement that I could start drinking again. Another nap around 6 am another drink around 8 and on it went... Funny how easily we forget how relentless it is.
Stay vigilant hpdw.
Mental it is- that is why most alcoholics *physically* stop shaking, when they just witness (mind registers) the bartender pouring their first drink.
Without physically putting it into their body- wild
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I remember waking up at 3:00AM drunk, finishing a quart bottle of whisky, and at the same realizing I had reached another low point in my spiral. And my mind wanted more. It was one of many straws that made me realize how serious my problem was becoming.
I am so sorry you gave up. Like me your drinking did feel like it was in your head, but from my reading, it's may not be as mental as that. Alcohol changes your body chemistry, and it's easier for you body to break down than sugar. Your physiology changes to accommodate alcohol, and it wants it. I'm speculating from here on, but I think your brain recognizes that physical hunger in your system and eventually makes it a conscious desire.
Whether my speculation is accurate or not, the cure is to stop feeding your body alcohol, and get it back to assimilating the natural sugars found in most foods. Falling off the wagon is like sending your body a notice that ALCOHOL IS BACK, and the mental cravings return. As you keep drinking during your lifetime, your organs and cellular structure throughout your body continue to change in ways that will make you very unhealthy and possibly even die. I actually know a woman who died from such deterioration of her body.
All this aside, I hope you can find the strength to avoid giving in. If you remain alcohol free, you will eventually not need strength because you just won't want to drink. And this is not a speculation. Most here have experienced that same phenomenon, and can assure you that it happened to them.
I am so sorry you gave up. Like me your drinking did feel like it was in your head, but from my reading, it's may not be as mental as that. Alcohol changes your body chemistry, and it's easier for you body to break down than sugar. Your physiology changes to accommodate alcohol, and it wants it. I'm speculating from here on, but I think your brain recognizes that physical hunger in your system and eventually makes it a conscious desire.
Whether my speculation is accurate or not, the cure is to stop feeding your body alcohol, and get it back to assimilating the natural sugars found in most foods. Falling off the wagon is like sending your body a notice that ALCOHOL IS BACK, and the mental cravings return. As you keep drinking during your lifetime, your organs and cellular structure throughout your body continue to change in ways that will make you very unhealthy and possibly even die. I actually know a woman who died from such deterioration of her body.
All this aside, I hope you can find the strength to avoid giving in. If you remain alcohol free, you will eventually not need strength because you just won't want to drink. And this is not a speculation. Most here have experienced that same phenomenon, and can assure you that it happened to them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
It started in my mind, too. I held out for the greater part of three months before giving in to it.
Relapse sure does suck. I can totally relate to the description of being a lost boy/puppy, scared and trying to get home but feeling like it’s hopeless. Not long ago I broke my recent seven months and that first night after having six drinks I laid in bed to go to sleep and all I wanted to do was cry.
Relapse sure does suck. I can totally relate to the description of being a lost boy/puppy, scared and trying to get home but feeling like it’s hopeless. Not long ago I broke my recent seven months and that first night after having six drinks I laid in bed to go to sleep and all I wanted to do was cry.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by WaterOx
It started in my mind, too. I held out for the greater part of three months before giving in to it.
Relapse sure does suck. I can totally relate to the description of being a lost boy/puppy, scared and trying to get home but feeling like it’s hopeless. Not long ago I broke my recent seven months and that first night after having six drinks I laid in bed to go to sleep and all I wanted to do was cry.
Relapse sure does suck. I can totally relate to the description of being a lost boy/puppy, scared and trying to get home but feeling like it’s hopeless. Not long ago I broke my recent seven months and that first night after having six drinks I laid in bed to go to sleep and all I wanted to do was cry.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by ruachwind
That first drink the one that got you drunk, well it did a whole lot more than that. It re-animated an uncontrollable compulsion.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by Sohard
the Original Poster seems grateful, relieved, and dearly loved. It appears he nicked it for him before the “uncontrollable compulsion” you mentioned could take over his life. To him, I say well done!! You learned a lesson, your family should be praised, and you have all my support. Thank you for posting here and helping us all through your story.
hpdw-Thank you for sharing your experience and how your family kept you safe. I am so relieved that you did not have to go on that unbearable bender. I like how you mentioned once you accepted there was no way you could obtain the alcohol and with time the compulsion eventually left. Acceptance is a big part of what I am trying to practice to make my continued recovery possible...You have displayed it does work. You sound wonderful , grateful and blessed. I wish you continued sobriety.
I look forward to your sharing in your recovery story.
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The OP is still around and is a current poster.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...early-now.html (I can see clearly now)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...early-now.html (I can see clearly now)
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by hpdw
Dear freinds on wed Fri 20 Sep I went out for a drink .
I am posting this as I think it's important to regognise the signs .
I have heard many times on here the term fell off the wagon well in my case I knew it was coming for weeks . I knew by my language around outherd drinking " Oh I your lucky I wish it was me etc " just small statements . IT WAS THEN than I should have posted here or called some old AA buddys .
I am posting this as I think it's important to regognise the signs .
I have heard many times on here the term fell off the wagon well in my case I knew it was coming for weeks . I knew by my language around outherd drinking " Oh I your lucky I wish it was me etc " just small statements . IT WAS THEN than I should have posted here or called some old AA buddys .
My drinking session consisted of 4 pints (I got the bus to Edinburgh ) .
After 4 pints for some reason I became frightened and wanted home like a lost little boy and I did go home but at the bus stop there is a store where I bought 4 x 440ml beers and a 35cl ( we call it a half bottke in UK ) of vodka . So at home ( and my wife and son were OK with me at this point . I downed the 4 beers and half the vodka and all was sort of OK but I fely quite cheeky and snapy with the family which is unlike me . Night went on I went to bed , woke at 3 am and that horrible realisation hit me and within 1 minte the insanity of alcoholism had me drinking the remainder of the vodak AT 3 in the morning .
Move forward to 10 am ( licencing openeing time in UK ) I said to my wife I was going for a hair cut ..... LIES ................ The obsesion and compulsion for more alcohol had a firm grip on me AFTER ONE DAY I WAS IN THE HELL HOLE OF ALCOHOLISM IN ACTION .
Now here is the good bit ,the sad bit , the funny bit . Both my wife and son locked me in and hid my wallet ( they planned it beforehand)and any alcohol that was in the place my wife keeps a bit ( after 15 months she was able to leave stuff lying around plus my son removed his beers from the fridge . The realisation I was getting NO MORE alcohol caused mixed feelings . I was scared ,in shock , angry but a strage feeling came through which was a feeling of calm . I knew there was no way I was getting out the door so ACCEPTANCE took over and by 2 pm I began to feel better . My physical symptoms werent bad . I made a discovery after all these years .............It was ALL mental , the drive for more alocohol wansn't due to physical ( not after a relatively moderate binge for one day ) IT WAS IN MY HEAD , my mind wanted more , this is is how it works and its taken me 63 years to discover this .
By 7 PM I was as right as rain as they say , we bought a take away meal and talked about the whole situation how all I had was what they get after drinking , a hangover but except in my case there is something different in my head which I dont think there will ever be an answer, I WANT to go for more alcohol . Its called alcoholism but I believe there is something else at play with ALL addics and I am not going into what It could be .
I was so greatful to be locked in that day and the knowlege that all those years if I had just stuck it out a few hours to evening I would have saved myself and othes so much pain .
Thanks for reading .
After 4 pints for some reason I became frightened and wanted home like a lost little boy and I did go home but at the bus stop there is a store where I bought 4 x 440ml beers and a 35cl ( we call it a half bottke in UK ) of vodka . So at home ( and my wife and son were OK with me at this point . I downed the 4 beers and half the vodka and all was sort of OK but I fely quite cheeky and snapy with the family which is unlike me . Night went on I went to bed , woke at 3 am and that horrible realisation hit me and within 1 minte the insanity of alcoholism had me drinking the remainder of the vodak AT 3 in the morning .
Move forward to 10 am ( licencing openeing time in UK ) I said to my wife I was going for a hair cut ..... LIES ................ The obsesion and compulsion for more alcohol had a firm grip on me AFTER ONE DAY I WAS IN THE HELL HOLE OF ALCOHOLISM IN ACTION .
Now here is the good bit ,the sad bit , the funny bit . Both my wife and son locked me in and hid my wallet ( they planned it beforehand)and any alcohol that was in the place my wife keeps a bit ( after 15 months she was able to leave stuff lying around plus my son removed his beers from the fridge . The realisation I was getting NO MORE alcohol caused mixed feelings . I was scared ,in shock , angry but a strage feeling came through which was a feeling of calm . I knew there was no way I was getting out the door so ACCEPTANCE took over and by 2 pm I began to feel better . My physical symptoms werent bad . I made a discovery after all these years .............It was ALL mental , the drive for more alocohol wansn't due to physical ( not after a relatively moderate binge for one day ) IT WAS IN MY HEAD , my mind wanted more , this is is how it works and its taken me 63 years to discover this .
By 7 PM I was as right as rain as they say , we bought a take away meal and talked about the whole situation how all I had was what they get after drinking , a hangover but except in my case there is something different in my head which I dont think there will ever be an answer, I WANT to go for more alcohol . Its called alcoholism but I believe there is something else at play with ALL addics and I am not going into what It could be .
I was so greatful to be locked in that day and the knowlege that all those years if I had just stuck it out a few hours to evening I would have saved myself and othes so much pain .
Thanks for reading .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi hpdw, wishing you the best from a fellow Scot. It's crazy how we can drift into allowing ourselves drinking as an option even when we know we can't. I'm pleased you made it back in one piece and respect to your family for recognising the signs and trying to intervene.
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