MantaLady

There came a time in my life where my friends and family stopped enabling me. It was a horrible time, I was so angry with them that I lashed out and believed they were doing it because they hated me and didn’t care or were picking on me and didn’t understand. I can say with 16 months sobriety under my belt that it was the best thing they ever did for me. There seems to be a lot of arguing and falling out here lately so I found some info that I thought might put into perspective why there comes a point where tough love is employed, immovable boundaries are put in place and the enabling has to stop.

Enabling creates an atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue their unacceptable behaviour. Many times when an alcoholic's enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees. This can be extremely difficult to accept for the enabler.

Enabling not only creates a permissive attitude toward alcohol use, but also gives the addict no desire to seek treatment.

Enabling is also doing things for the alcoholic that they can and should be doing for themselves, like researching rehabs and support services and AA meetings. They continue to drink whilst someone else takes the responsibility of finding solutions and the alcoholic has nothing but free time to come up with reasons as to why they can’t do any of it.

Do Not React to Their Latest Misadventures Allowing Them to Respond to Your Reaction Rather Than Their Actions:
If you say or do something negative in response to the alcoholic's latest screw-up, then the alcoholic can react to your reaction. If you remain quiet, or if you go on with your life as if nothing has happened, then the alcoholic is left with nothing to respond to except their own actions. If you react negatively, you are giving them an emotional out.

Do Not Scold, Argue, or Plead With the Alcoholic:
You may think that when you are scolding or berating the alcoholic for their latest episode or pleading with them to stop that it is anything but enabling, but it actually could be. If the only consequence that they suffer for their actions are a little "verbal spanking" from someone who cares, they can slide by without facing any significant consequences.

X

SoberRican

Hello and you is on the money with that post. Cant argue with silence right? It puts the ball back in the boozers hand. Now they have to make a choice.... On their own..... ✌

MantaLady

It certainly worked for me. People refusing to co-sign in my bull crap, putting in boundaries where there were actually consequences to my behaviour no more “oh it’s ok Manta we get it must be so hard” shook me into action. I realised I was going to be totally alone, that my behaviour was completely out of order and it would all be of my own making but also that no-one was going to do this for me. . All I had to do was accept help, do the work and start standing behind my promises. X

Callas

Good post. There has been quite a bit of attention seeking lately with absolutely no effort or commitment to sobriety. Personally I will just pass on all such posts in future. It is all getting a bit lame.

MLD51

This is absolutely true, Manta. Spot on. Active alcoholics/addicts love to blame everyone/everything but themselves and their own actions. They love to play the victim. They are also usually very good at manipulation. By refusing to interact with the victim mentality and manipulation, you take away a major tool of the alcoholic voice. I know that for me, when people started turning their backs on me and I could tell they were no longer willing to put up with my "stuff", that really got my attention. I was on the verge of losing forever some people who were very important to me (not to mention that I really hated myself and was thinking I'd rather be dead.) So I found myself asking for help and doing the work, so that I didn't lose what was most important to me.