do I break up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 1
do I break up?
So my boyfriend had been doing meth for years before we got into a relationship.I have never done any drugs so I was oblivious to all the signs, after a year of dating I discovered his problem, I fell for the tears(after reading some stories on this site I don’t know if those tears were real) but after 6 months of him telling me he was going to quit he finally went to rehab and he did but he went to rehab for 2 weeks and got kicked out. He has been clean for 47 days now. I’m so proud of him but he is so proud of himself and it makes me smile seeing him so happy he made it this far. but I find since he left rehab we have been having more issues than before. Now my health is starting to fail, I’m sick because I’m stressed constantly worrying because he didn’t finish rehab. Do I have to suffer with him? Like how do I end it when he is changing his life for him but also to have a better life with me? I feel trapped because if I break his heart he will use again but if I stay i will be stressed and worrying and not enjoying my life. He also has so much work to do on himself that he doesn’t have the energy to give me or the relationship but If I break his heart I know he will relapse and all his work was for nothing.any Advice ??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
Originally Posted by Christopher89 
If I break his heart I know he will relapse and all his work was for nothing
If your relationship is no longer working, you can't let the fact that you think he will not be able to stay sober through the break up keep you in a toxic situation. He can't rely on you to make him whole. Unfortunately, difficult things happen and he will have to learn to cope with life without turning to drugs.
Love to you x
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
You are not responsible for his lasting recovery; he is responsible for that. What he does or does not do is not because of you. Unfortunately, not you or anyone else in the world aside from your boyfriend can control that.
If you have to pull back for now because the stress is too much (sounds like it is), there is no reason you can't do that in a loving way. You can tell him it's too much for you right now, but you would love to see him x amt of time and will continue to be there for him as long as he stays sober. Then you can figure out when it feels right to you to increase the amount of time you spend with him.
Have a look at the Friends and Family forum further down the main page - there are lots of people there who will understand exactly where you are.
O
If you have to pull back for now because the stress is too much (sounds like it is), there is no reason you can't do that in a loving way. You can tell him it's too much for you right now, but you would love to see him x amt of time and will continue to be there for him as long as he stays sober. Then you can figure out when it feels right to you to increase the amount of time you spend with him.
Have a look at the Friends and Family forum further down the main page - there are lots of people there who will understand exactly where you are.
O
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
It is important to realise that his recovery does not depend on outside issues such as relationships or jobs. It is an inside job. If you read around the site enough you will find people using who were in great relationships, and others who were completely alone. You will find some with pots of money and others with nothing. Great jobs, cars, houses, wife, kids, seemingly everything to live for, yet none of these external factors have any bearing on whether someone can recover or not.
Among those of us who have recovered you will find similar experiences. I was fired from my job at 6 weeks sober, and a few weeks later was kicked out of what I thought was a dream relationship. I have had some other hard knocks, none of which have been sufficient to cause me to pick up. I was also working a solid program of recovery so that may have had something to do with it.
The real point is no one could stop me using, and no one could get me started again. No one has that power, nor are they responsible more my continued recovery. That is entirely down to me and what action I am willing to take.
Among those of us who have recovered you will find similar experiences. I was fired from my job at 6 weeks sober, and a few weeks later was kicked out of what I thought was a dream relationship. I have had some other hard knocks, none of which have been sufficient to cause me to pick up. I was also working a solid program of recovery so that may have had something to do with it.
The real point is no one could stop me using, and no one could get me started again. No one has that power, nor are they responsible more my continued recovery. That is entirely down to me and what action I am willing to take.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,916
I second the idea of the Friends and Families forum just if you want to explore whether there’s some kind of middle ground, a way to let go of his choices as much as possible so that you can enjoy your life but know that if he makes a choice that makes it impossible to have a relationship with him then no more. Or it may be that you have really already decided that you can’t live this way, because at this point you don’t really know he’ll stay quit—and maybe you are justifiably concerned that he did not finish rehab and do the work required to build a lasting program of recovery. And if that’s the case then I think walking away now is a good choice too.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
All any of us can really do is think of ourselves, if we are not right then nothing else ever can be..
This can seem selfish but if we try and live our lives trying to fix everybody else then you generally end up in the same boat as you are finding yourself in now!
Never ever suffer for anybody, it's a totally no win situation, your life is your life, his life is his. Feeling held to ransom is probably why you are feeling trapped.
He needs to stop for him, and no other reason but for him!
This can seem selfish but if we try and live our lives trying to fix everybody else then you generally end up in the same boat as you are finding yourself in now!
Never ever suffer for anybody, it's a totally no win situation, your life is your life, his life is his. Feeling held to ransom is probably why you are feeling trapped.
He needs to stop for him, and no other reason but for him!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I feel trapped because if I break his heart he will use again but if I stay i will be stressed and worrying and not enjoying my life.
Make no mistake about this: You don't have the power to make him use, and you don't have the power to make him quit. Recovery is NOT dependent on any external factors whatsoever. There plenty of folks on here (myself included) that wound up getting dumped, divorced, jailed, whatever the case, and still were able to stay sober and recover. Nothing you do is responsible for his using. Period. Hugs to you.
Make no mistake about this: You don't have the power to make him use, and you don't have the power to make him quit. Recovery is NOT dependent on any external factors whatsoever. There plenty of folks on here (myself included) that wound up getting dumped, divorced, jailed, whatever the case, and still were able to stay sober and recover. Nothing you do is responsible for his using. Period. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by BlownOne
I feel trapped because if I break his heart he will use again but if I stay i will be stressed and worrying and not enjoying my life.
Make no mistake about this: You don't have the power to make him use, and you don't have the power to make him quit. Recovery is NOT dependent on any external factors whatsoever. There plenty of folks on here (myself included) that wound up getting dumped, divorced, jailed, whatever the case, and still were able to stay sober and recover. Nothing you do is responsible for his using. Period. Hugs to you.
Make no mistake about this: You don't have the power to make him use, and you don't have the power to make him quit. Recovery is NOT dependent on any external factors whatsoever. There plenty of folks on here (myself included) that wound up getting dumped, divorced, jailed, whatever the case, and still were able to stay sober and recover. Nothing you do is responsible for his using. Period. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Hi Christopher. First things first -
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's) which is often quoted here in the Friends and Family forums.
Why?
Because it's true. As others have mentioned, recovery from addiction is an inside job and while it's really nice that he has had your support, that doesn't mean you need to stay in a relationship where you are not happy.
You might find the threads in the F&F forums helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's) which is often quoted here in the Friends and Family forums.
Why?
Because it's true. As others have mentioned, recovery from addiction is an inside job and while it's really nice that he has had your support, that doesn't mean you need to stay in a relationship where you are not happy.
You might find the threads in the F&F forums helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Christopher89
...If I break his heart I know he will relapse and all his work was for nothing...
Either way, is that decision his responsibility or yours?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
