quercusalba

I posted this on the Friends and Family board; I was hoping to get some thoughts from you guys on this as well:

Hello. My name is Anne and I'm an alcoholic. I am in the beginning stages of trying to quit drinking. I have had some trouble with relapsing; it is happening less and less frequently, but it has been an issue. My husband has suspected me of drinking on a few occasions; sometimes he's been wrong, sometimes he's been right. He has threatened to leave me if I have another relapse, and I believe him. My question is this: as the spouse of an alcoholic, how would you feel if your alcoholic spouse handed you a box of home kits for alcohol testing and told you you could ask them to take one any time you felt that your loved one had been drinking? I am considering this option because I feel as though it will give him some sense of control over this disease of mine, as he will be able to find out in no uncertain terms whether or not I've been drinking. I will not resent his asking, and I will tell him that any time he feels that I'm behaving strangely or he thinks he smells alcohol, I will take one of the tests. At the moment, I deserve his distrust and I am looking for a way for him to begin building trust again. I understand that only time can heal, but I think this might be a useful tool. I am going to copy this message to the Newcomer's board as well.

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you in advance,
anne

ChrisMan

Anne,

Hi, Anne, ChrisMan here, addict in recovery with about three months of sobriety.

It sounds like you really want to do the right thing -- but one part of your post I think is worthy of reflection. You mentioned that you wanted to give your husband this kit so that he might have some sense of control over your disease. I hope I am quoting correctly. In any case, neither your husband nor yourself have any control whatsoever over the disease itself (this is Step One of the Twelve Steps). By giving your husband the kit you might be encouraging, unintentionally, a co-addiction in him. I just think that giving him the kit might make things worse -- and it will not really help in your recovery.

Just from my own experience, nothing worked for me nor for my family and friends until all of us admitted our powerlessness in a very dramatic way. The word "surrender" is a very important one for me. That is when I started living a true and lasting sobriety. I couldn't rely on a certain situation or certain people or even certain kits to "make" me sober. It just never worked, not in the long run. Sobriety was something I had to live, with the grace of God.

I really want to encourage you because it is so very hard to stay sober. It sounds like you are doing better and better (slips are less frequent). I hope things continue on that course.

I hope this helps Anne. I don't know if these were the answers you were looking for, but, in any case, I hope they provide some cause for reflection.

quercusalba

Thanks, Chris. I agree with you - I am powerless over this disease and so is he. We both know this. I don't expect the kit to aid in my recovery; I guess what I want to do is to prove to my husband somehow that I'm really serious about stopping, and as such I am willing to be tested for use at any time. I do know that he can't control this disease... but I think if he has the reassurance of being able to test me, it may help him feel a little better. He is fully supportive of my desire to stop drinking, but he is also at the end of his rope. I don't want to lose him. I do want to commit to AA, and to surrender all of myself to the process of sobriety. Does this make any sense?

I wish I didn't have to resort to such things, but I've done this to myself. Thank you so much for your input - you make some very good points.

One question - what do you mean by "co-addiction" in the sense you've stated here?

Anna

Hi quercusalba,

I was in a similar position with my husband when he was ready to give up on me and I was trying desparately to stop drinking. The thing is he ALWAYS knew if I'd been drinking at all, even just a bit, and was never wrong when he accused me. Also, once I stopped, it was completely evident in my demeanour and behaviour and he knew that I was not drinking.

I'm not sure you can rush the trust issue the way you want to. I'm not saying you shouldn't use the kit idea, but I wanted trust back quickly when I stopped drinking and it really just takes time.

Love, Anna

ChrisMan

By co-addiction in this case I am referring to that condition that often afflicts those who are married or otherwise related somehow to alcoholics and other addicts. They can often get so involved in the addiction of the other person (emotionally speaking) that they need to go to recovery meetings. They, in a certain sense, become addicted to the addictive patterns of the one addicted.

I really can respect that you don't want to lose your husband over this. Certainly if you think that the kit might help, then go for it. It might work with your situation and your relationship. All I can say is that it just wouldn't have worked for me in my situation. I would say the big thing is to really do the Steps, and do them thoroughly. That's what worked for me.

quercusalba

Thanks to both of you, Chris and Anna - I desperately wanted some input on this idea. Anna - you're right, of course I want the trust to be earned back quickly, and I do truly understand that it will take a lot of time. I don't think a test kit is going to help speed that process; I just want to give him a way to feel *some* sort of control, even if the kit doesn't give him control in actuality. It might make him feel better, though, because he is a VERY control-oriented man. I know he feels extremely angry and helpless right now. Chris - I do intend to do the steps; I know that that's really the only way to true healing. I really do. I have struggled with the idea of total surrender, and I think I am finally ready to do so. Like I said, I don't expect a kit to fix things... I just want to let him know how serious I really am.

Sigh. This is so hard.

Thank both of you guys - your responses mean a lot to me.

--anne

nutz

I had to earned a lot of 30 days chips.
I kept going back no matter what. That includes getting the hell away
from me other half at times. What's next, I'm cured ?

Try getting an AA big book and read it.
chapter 16 has some insight for couples

As a recoverying alki/addict and co-dependent
I don't really know which came first. The chicken or the egg ?
Some co-dependent will abuse drugs or alcohol.
It dosen't matter,the solution would be the same.
I have a dis-ease. it will kill me. Period !

My other half is currently on a run.
She hasn't came home yet , again.

I don't have all the answers.
One thing I've learnd. The more I try to help her , the sicker she got.
I'm not to be her cruch, at the same time I can't make her do it.

I'm powerless over alcohol and my life had became unmanageable.
I'm powerless over Her and my life had became unmanageable

Aceptance can be a S.O.B.
Aceptance can be the Key

I'm sick, she's sick.
Beating up on sick people dosen't make any common sense.

Tom M

To Q,
I agree with Chris, that kit is not the solution to your problem!
By giving your husband control of any kind you are taking responsibilty away from yourself.
You have to want to stay sober for yourself in order to stay sober.
There are no guarantees in life and there are no guarantees in recovery.
The one thing that I can guarantee though is that if you stay sober your life will get better. It will get better in the sense that you will learn to deal with things better.
If you pick up again, things will definely get worse!

quercusalba

I honestly don't think that the kit is going to solve anything. I just thought it might help a little with my husband's trust issues. I am not looking to have this kit be my sole route to recovery; in fact, I don't see is as a part of my recovery at all. I see it as a tangible way for him to participate in my sobriety, in a sense. I know what I have to do to get sober and stay that way, and I know what devastation is wreaked if and when I pick up. I also know that I will regain trust ONLY with time; no kit can do that for me. I guess I just feel helpless in this situation... I cannot use words anymore to convince him that I'm going to stop because I have gone back on them too many times. I want to offer him something more than words... knowing that time and my sobriety are the only keys to healing our relationship.

Thank you all so much for your input.

--anne

Jerry K

Communications is the key to any relationship and is so much more important as we go through recovery.

What worked for me and my co-dependent wife was for me to be upfront about the issue every single day for the first few months. Since I had stopped drinking at home but continued at work (she knew!), upon arriving home I would volunteer up front, another day sober! I never had to say I failed that day, because I had not. Maybe I didn't drink because I really wanted to get home and tell her that I was sober for another day.

Coming close to my first year and still taking it one day at a time, the days have grown into weeks and now the weeks into months. When I get home now, I still always state that I had a "great" day" and go into a few details and then ask how her day went. She knows what I really mean and our lives go forward in such a more positive manner than before.

Just keep it upfront and make it part of your daily life.

nutz

I have to do my recovery for myself.
Without me there's nothing or life. That includes the ones I love.

I don't make promises today. It's like setting myself up for a fall.
It adds unnessary persure.
How important is it ? The issues.
I know I have problems and mess up enough as it is.
The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
It'll tell me to take a drink/drug or not. Or Have good intentions.
Then if I fail, it'll tell me you messed up , you might as will take more.
becuase you're worthless and no good...so why bother trying.

Recovery is a process , it won't happen overnight.
Helpless is a good place to be.
Don't go around it, over it , under it, or run from it.
Imbrace it with your heart and soul.
Something great is happening.

DesertEyes

Hello Q :-)

I concurr with all the other posters on this thread. A different idea that you might consider is for your hubby to go to a Al-Anon meeting while you are in a AA meetings. Around here there's lots of meetings like this held at the same time in the same building, but in different rooms. It's a great way to meet other couples who are in the early days of sobriety, a chance for your hubby to get a lot of _his_ questions answered, and an opportunity for both of you to develope a "common language" when dealing with issues of addiction.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

quercusalba

I will think about the al-anon option... unfortunately, I don't think he'll necessarily go for it. He has a tendency to be very isolationist and is presently dealing with a lot of anger issues himself - mostly these issues are his, not mine, but I have inadvertantly made them mine by angering him with my drinking. He is at sort of a crossroads and isn't necessarily in a very healthy place himself. He was a problem drinker/pot smoker in the not-so-distant past, as well as being a cigarette smoker for 15 years - he stopped all of these addictive behaviors by himself (something he is extremely proud of). He has real trouble understanding why I can't just do the same as he does and he gets pretty disgusted with me. Overall, I suppose there are issues aside from my drinking that make my relationship rather a tenuous one right now, something that makes me very sad. Some of it has to do with me, some with him, some with us... like any other relationship, I suppose. I just hope we can survive because I love him very much.

Nutz - I know I have to be sober for me and for me alone... but it would also go a long way in healing my relationship if I could stay sober for the long haul.

Again, thank you DesertEyes, thank you Nutz. I need all the hand-holding I can get.

--anne

ChrisMan

Hi Anne,

This is a great thread and it's great that you find it helpful.

I suppose I have to raise a couple red flags in regards to your husband. You mentioned how he was able to quit his addictions all on his own, which is really wonderful. However, you also mention that he is sort of an "isolationist," has big time control issues, and has a lot of anger issues. You mentioned these things more than once.

Once again, I suppose I can only go from my own experience, but it seems like a person who has succeeeded in not using addictive substances (even for years) and at the same time often lives as an isolationist, has control issues, and has anger issues --- that person could be still suffering from addiction. One does not need to be using drugs in order to be an addict, because addiction is not so much about what we use on the outside but who we are on the inside.

He may not go for Al-Anon but it just seems to me that he needs some 12 Step work. And, from the way you have described him, it sounds like the kit really won't help matters much. A trusting relationship, as someone else suggested in this thread, really doesn't need a kit.

Sobriety really needs to be free, clean, open, and communicative. Sobriety should bring about more freedom, more communication, a greater peace and serenity. If it is not these things, it is not true sobriety.

Lizard

Anne:

I'm so glad you're here. My boyfriend and I are both alcoholics. I'm currently seeking 12-step help and he is not. And I worry about him, I also wonder if he's out drinking on occasion. Would asking him to prove he's sober solve those problems? I doubt it. Just because I want him to be sober doesn't mean he is, wants to, or will be -- only he can want that for himself, in the end, the choice to drink or not drink is his, it matters little what I want for him.

You also mentioned that you wouldn't resent it if he asked you to take a test at any given point, but are you sure about that? What if you're having a bad day? What if you're genuinely angry, dismayed, or disappointed about something? What if he doesn't take your feelings seriously and he attributes all of your emotions to alcoholism, and every time you feel something, he asks you to take a test?

I'm not saying he would do any of these things, but I know how I would feel if my (currently sober, but not working a program) boyfriend were to ask me to take tests.

Liz

Basi

Hello Anne,

I could not believe your story! it sounds a paralell of my situation. My husband does NOT trust me either........he has threatened to divorce me...........to take my children away........to scare me to death frankly....and I am sick of it. You sound very brave and sensible I hope for your sake things workout for you

quercusalba

I just wanted to say THANK YOU(!!!!) to all of you who gave me such heartfelt and thoughtful input about my alchohol test kit idea. I've had a night to think about it, and I've decided not to get one. Many of the things that you all said - how important communication is, that only time and my sobriety will heal wounds, that I may eventually become resentful of being asked to take a test... and so many other things you have said to me... these things resonate with me. I was feeling desperate and scared and alone, so the test kit idea seemed to make sense. And maybe it does, a little bit, but not enough to actually go through with buying one. You're right... there really are too many long-term issues that could arise from its use; good old-fashioned hard work, honesty, communication, and working a recovery program are all much better-suited to making my life mine again... and with that, a healthier relationship.

Lizard - good luck to you; I'm glad to hear you're getting healthy... your perspective and thoughts on this matter really made a lot of sense to me. I hope your boyfriend decides to join you in a program... meanwhile, it sounds like you're doing good things for yourself.

Basi - I wish for you the same things I wish for me: a new and sober life in which we don't have to feel frightened, guilty, and ashamed. All the best to you as well.

And ChrisMan - red flags duly noted... they've been red flags to me for quite some time now. I'm not really certain how to address these problems that are somewhat extraneous to my drinking/sobriety... and this probably isn't the forum for doing so anyway, but I had to give a little background in order to make sense. Thank you for your input; I always appreciate an onlooker's perspective because it helps me regain mine.

All of you here at SR - thank you!! What a terrific community. I hope everyone is well today.

--anne