JScatt

Ask yourself this, will she be at your side when you are bloated and jaundice on your death bed? She is your drinking buddy, I think you established that in your earlier posts, you need to sober up and get some sober buddies. I have been in more than a few alcohol fueled relationships and NONE ended well.
What I'm getting from your post is that drinking is required in this "loving" relationship. Its your choice I suppose

NessunDorma

CG - my heart goes out to you, I can feel your pain and loneliness and you think you are facing impossible choices. While circumstances and causes are very different, that feeling really resonates, alcohol fuelled hopelessness. Just to say, for me taking out the alcohol of course did not solve everything. Years ago we suffered a different sort of loss to the one you may be contemplating with M. Stopping drinking completely changedmy ability to cope with a devastating situation and now I have a happy sober life that would have been unimaginable when I was in the pit of drunken dispair. There are many others with similar stories, we are all here for you. And who knows, if you can stay sober,,perhaps you can help her to? Things that seem impossible now really aren’t. Take as much care of yourself as you can, hang in there,

LiveLikeGold6

I’m rooting for you too! I know that horrible feeling of being so tired yet wired n cant sleep. I’ve got 22 days, one at a time, it gets so much better. U did it before and you can do it again <3

BrianK

Thank you, CG, for letting us know how you're doing! I realized typing these posts that SR also helps me know more clearly how I'm doing, which my alcohol-soaked or drying-out brain wasn't/isn't always so good at.

Last night you mentioned a tiny little voice telling you not to do anything bad. I've been learning to listen to that voice a little better myself, and it's helped to give me a sense deep, deep down that I know cleaning up my life is the best thing to do. Even when I've been on the fence about drinking that voice was always there, speaking the truth, gently but firmly, but always let me know the final decision was mine.

And the more I check in with that voice, the simpler a lot of decisions seem to be, and the less I have to weave a web of reasons and arguments in my head to try to get what I want. And sometimes I don't even know what I really want at the moment.

ConfusedGuy

Hi. Because I cannot sleep I am thinking a lot. Lucky I did not do anything too crazy last night. I will never understand alcoholism - how many millions of times have I woke feeling terrible ? - and then I do the same again. I cannot say why but when I get to craving, nothing makes sense, and I am so worried about the next time - I can feel almost terror at this idea, is like I can feel my heart dropping. But if I tell anybody this they would not understand - it sounds insane. I cannot go through another detox like before, and doctor has told me that if I continue I will die. I dont want to die, but I am in real fear. When I first came to SR I did not even know I was alocholic, I just could not understand why I did what I did. And people here helped me know what I am and I read things and I know I must find a 'defence against a first drink'. But this is not so easy when you can think only of a drink. Maybe I need to be stronger and when I want to take a drink, I wait - I shall maybe go out for a walk to the park later and drink some water. Sometimes I think of how much I have lost in life because of alcohol, and I get low, and I do not understand how non-alcoholic people think and live. I think I need to leave russia - but then russia has been good to me, and I have no other place to go. I am sorry for long rambling post but I am just trying to stay connected here today. I read so many posts from people who have not had a drink for years, and I wish was me but maybe they are stronger or something.

Dee74

Hi ConfusedGuy..

support really changed things for me - I had no idea I could get through a craving without drinking before I came to SR.

If your mind is telling you you have to drink when you have the desire to drink it's telling you a lie.

You can beat the emotions of fear and craving.

You can choose to reach out for help rater than drinking. Like I said to you once before it's not particularly pleasant but it can be done

I cam here and posted when I was craving. I posted about my own problems and helped other peoples with theirs.

Slowly the cravings lessened in intensity and frequency until they were easily manageable.

I used SR but other people have used AA or some other meeting based groups, online meetings of those groups, counsellors, doctors, various kinds of rehab.

The point is - you can beat a craving - you really can do this

D

BrianK

I know what you mean about "I just could not understand why I did what I did." When that intense craving hits it's got a power that kicks any logical or reasonable plan out of the way. Then we get drunk, then we go back and try to revise our plan.

And our minds tell us to be stronger next time. And that makes sense, logically. But for me, I realized I just don't stand a chance. It's not a fair fight. Me standing up against alcohol and the world is like sending a toddler into a room with two adults screaming and throwing things at each other and asking him to figure out the situation. If I saw that I would just pick him up and say "Let's get out of here!"

And that's what I have to do. And if the world says I'm weak because I can't stand up and moderate against an enemy that has knocked my on my back literally over 1,000 times, well, maybe I'm weak...against alcohol. I wouldn't suggest anyone else with a health problem do things to make their condition worse. Why do I have to keep doing it?

So for me it's not strength. It's compassion. Including compassion for myself. The tiny little one inside me deserves to live and play and have fun too, and I've been treating him like an abusive parent, and I just don't want more ugliness in my life, and alcohol always brings more ugliness. Somewhere deep, deep down, I just know life is better without it. I know I'm trying to use words to share something that comes from so far within that it's impossible, but it's helping me to get my own self in order too, and hope it's helpful to you, too!

saoutchik

Hi ConfusedGuy! Well done for posting here even though you feel at rock bottom right now. Trust me that is a really good indicator that you can beat this horrible illness.

I totally understand how you feel CG. That is exactly what addiction is. It is impossibe, in my opinion to beat those cravings without help. Let me give you some of my own background:-

I was 54 years old and in a desperate situation, divorced and drinking a minimum of half a bottle of whisky every day, more at weekends. I could sense I was dying inside and fast reaching the point of no return but like you, when I had tried quitting the strength of my cravings overpowered my will not to drink. I was terrified I was not going to make it.

I don't know how, call it intuition but I managed to think of a course of action that really worked for me:- I would get up REALLY early in the morning, 5.30 am EVERY MORNING (this was in January so it was really dark) No matter how bad the weather was I would go out and walk/jog for an 45 minutes, longer at weekends. What this did was it meant I was really tired by the evening when my cravings were at their strongest and I was more than happy to go to bed by 9pm. It was like charging up an anti-craving battery in the morning that I could draw on in the evening.

Perhaps you might give it a try CG. It costs nothing financially, is easy to do and in my opinion, it acts as a mood enhancer that makes coping with the early days much easier. As a secondary benefit it is really good for your general health too of course.

If you can get sober for 3 months or so it will get easier and you will be much better placed to address those other issues like loneliness.

Good luck!

ConfusedGuy

I like this idea 'saoutchik' - make sure I get tired by evening, sounds good idea.
I think today I will eat and go out to a park or somewhere with trees !.
I think also I have to do something about my friend, she does not want to stop. I cannot be part of that. I forget how hurtful she was when I stopped before.

ConfusedGuy

Oh well! - I am now making a big breakfast - oats and honey and water (I do not drink milk) - and chiplatas and eggs..... I am well enough to eat !! - and it put back maybe some of the sugar and salt and things!

Thank you everyone.

Meraviglioso

You are doing amazing to eat something! I couldn't eat for days. But having nutrition and fuel is SO important so great job!
A walk somewhere with trees sounds nice. Just walking anywhere helps me, I sometimes just walk in circles around my little village.
Also, as Dee mentioned, just doing some "normal" things each day helps. Even small stuff. Change the sheets on your bed, take out the trash, pay a bill, dust the furniture. Anything to make you feel like you accomplished something positive. I was like you, I couldn't just lay around and watch tv or sleep. Even if I wanted to. I had to feel like I did even just one or two small things to better my situation.

Not sure why you are in Russia, if you are Russian or are an expat. There are quite a few expats here, myself included. I live in Italy but am American. I've been here 14 years and never been lonelier in my life. I have some small odd jobs I do that keep me paying the bills but there are many days that I pass the day doing absolutely NOTHING. I see no one, talk to no one, do nothing. It is heartbreakingly sad. Sometimes I go to the market to buy milk, even if I don't need it, just to take a walk and have a 30 second conversation with the cashier. I get it, it is sad and hard.

But possible.

FreeOwl

dpac414

nadt

You're breakfast sounds AMAZING!!! Glad you can eat something!

You are going through a lot. Glad you are sharing. You have "strangers" who care about you.

ConfusedGuy

I am lucky I was not drinking solidly like when I stopped before, and I know it is important to get food and replace salt and sugars and things. When I stopped before I was finding it very hard to eat anything. So now I force myself to eat this morning and now (17:37) I am feeling not so bad physically. Just tired. And I have to send a text to my friend to say I am finished with drinking, I do not want a shouting game, so I text - and if she is horrible like before then I am better without her and will call her and tell her.

nadt

It's good you are able to eat. I was in the situation more like you talked about you had been before.... constant drinking....So, eating has not been an option for me just yet.

I think your plan is a good one. You really need to look out for yourself. If someone isn't willing to respect the things that you need, then I think it's important to consider if they truly care about you. I understand. I let myself stay caught in a toxic relationship for way to long.

don't forget to post. We're here to help get you through.

Hevyn

CG- I'm so glad to come here & read an update. You got over a huge hurdle & are thinking more clearly.

Misssy2

I hope you got out to the trees...etc....and ate alot.

Also...no matter where you are...Russia...Guam....The US...you are an alcoholic...and you are going to crave to drink...until you have some sobriety behind you....

Support and keeping active and busy are key to sobriety....If I wasn't busy today I would have drank...I know for a fact...cause I am at that place where I feel fear about drinking....but fear that I might....it sux...

I hate this disease....I just want to drink like everyone else and I know because I have put it to the test so often...that I can not drink like everyone else...

I drink like an alcoholic...and it will kill me young.

Do they have AA in Russia? I don't know why I am not going back to AA right now...because they really saved my life.

ConfusedGuy

Morning! - Just checking in here.
Misssy2 - I did try going to AA meeting before, but is not for me. I know it works for some people, that is good for them. There is AA here, I think not so much as maybe America, but 'programs' and 'prayers' and things - this is not for me. Also - you say: 'I just want to drink like everyone else and I know because I have put it to the test so often' - me also. Maybe it is enough to just know that we cannot. The hardest part I think is when your head is saying that you can just have one or two and go home. But when I have one or two I do not want to go home - and we all have walked along that path I think. And the fear that I will drink even when I do not want to, I know that fear so well. I think that someone who is maybe NOT alcoholic can never understand this.

I have to get ready to work. Back tonight to check-in...

Dee74

Its perfectly ok that you don't want to go to AA CG but you need to work out what you're going to do instead to keep you sober,. yeah?

I needed a lot of support and help especially in the early days. I made myself reach out for help instead of drinking.

D