MightyJester160

:na2


getting to the real issues... thats whats necessary when treatment for this addict begins. for myself and for right now not useing is enough right now... the realizeation that treatment for addicts is different for every one i have givin myself permission to use the sober time i now have to begin looking at my life from all ages in all areas no restrictions. i have spent my whole life living with addicts or useing myself that only till this year did i seperate myself form addicts as freinds and family. i now associate only with a few people outside my wife and kiddos.. to me the first step was to stop useing the second step was to eliminate the tollerance of usage around me. the third step as it turns out is , looking for the validations myself uses to justify abuse of substances.


there are too many areas of my life from which abuse has a foothold that not spending some time there would be getting off on the wrong foot for me.
one of the most frequent areas of turmoil for me is the area of intimacy. when it comes to understanding the levels of it i have some type of misswired connection. so many of my decisions are made involving some level of it that it seems important to me to begin here . durring my last period of abuse smoking crystal meth i suffered some trauma where my wife is concerened. this is causeing all of my home problems as of this day.. the pragmattic side of me is struggleing with taking her advice and accepting that because of the abuse durring that time i need to let go of my thoughts of what happened durring that time..or ignoring her and holding on to what i believe happened and continut to hold onto the suffering.

how i interact with people is based alot on wheather i feel secure around them or not... and weather im willing to trust them not to f.. me over in some way. not a fun way to live ... without this part of my charactor functioning properly im at a loss for being able to get the most out of all my daily doings... also future events seem to be affected by people mabe not feeling like im completely engrossed in whats going on ... so there confidence in me might be in question for them when i am completely capeable. ect...ect.

because i am very much closed off these days from having alot of different people in my life i am able to focus on the particular reactions of the people im around most... the opinions that matter the most come from my kids and my wife.. i am trying to be there for them in ways i was not as an addict. and trying to see myself through their eyes as i begin to see myself for the first time... the drugs are only one part of the equation when its every aspect of your life thats tailored to allow the addict to use at will. for me the process of sobering up will mean rebuilding from the inside out.. and for now the only trustworthy source of reflecting is my family..

thats all for tonite ..

Yours Daily
[JDG]-Jester160

findingout

Nice post Jester. I really liked

because it made think about how it used to be that the only people I really trusted were others who used as much a I did. Sure my "so-called" secret was safe with them, but since I couldn't make it through the day without lying six or seven time before breakfast, what made me think that these other people could be trusted?

Today I hang with people I can really trust and for that alone I am truely grateful.

Jah Bless

MightyJester160

so im sober now ... theres a downside for me thats a tool for the users around me ... it seems that when you quit and there are users around you they tend to treat you like youre a lepper.. it seems like thats the case for me..

as a special twist i get the more than fun living up to my past performance bull5hit. so npw that im clearheaded and trying to focus more than ever on whats happening it seems like i hear more negative crap than ever...i do my best to just blow this off as rhetoric from people that just dont have it in them to look at me for the person im becoming who is aware of the person he was.... i know that there will be a time period durring which this happens and i need to endure it .i did earn the reputation i created and so i must now earn a different one.

it is tough for me right now...and if it should come to pass that i have to completely start over with new people in my life then so be it...

i have more difficult responsibilities to tend to than living up to someones negative impression of me.. its good for me to be able to come here and say the things i do.. i know that some of it will be bs and the rest will be truth..and that the road to recovery for me will not be an easy one. the road to successfully useing though will never bring about the life i kinow im worth haveing and capeable of providing for my kids and my wife.

if you think back to when you were young 7 to 10 yrs old and you look at the way you saw your parents and their parents.. you see that you had the ability to tell the difference between those that were ok and those that were less than ok... being older now as you recollect your memorries you now have the comprehension skills of an adult to apply to those same memorries.. now look in the mirror ... youre an adult being viewed by your children and their cousins .... since i think that most of us as addicts built or had driven into us our values from these families and got very little outside intervention till we were older i think its important that i/we recognise the connection between the way we adapted coping skills to survive our parents and the way re interpeit and apply the input from those around us today in our lives where we are focused on the feedback being given to help us guage how we are doing as employees or parents or such...

for me it is particularly important that i hold onto the belief inside me that im doing the right thing in the moment.. and just continue to go foreward with my life .
in order to avoid the same patterns of coping that i used at home growing up , that later led to my wreckless involvement with the same kind of people in the outside world that my parents were that led to me living a lifestyle that supported my addiction completely..i have only just this year givin up on all forms of drugs and alcohol consumption..i am at zero intake.... if part of my recovery is to be re telling my story of how i lived as an addict ... then so be it ..i have gone through no worse than anyone here ... and i look foreward to sharing with you the memories i have of the road to destruction i was just recently walking. i think im just rambling now so ill go for now ... GoocH if youre reading this post then id like to ask you for your help in getting a sponsor ....i think i have enough time sober to consider myself serious about begining my recovery through the steps ....


Yours Daily
[JDG]-Jester160

findingout

Not just telling how it used to be but also what it's like now. So many people have helped me in the past two years that I feel a genuine obligation to be there when the next me comes along.

I have this feeling that among my former using associates I was a "yet" that made them feel more comfortable in their addiction. They could always say "Well, I'm not as bad as Tony yet." I think maybe that when I decided to get clean for good one day at a time and five or six months passed, I became a different kind of sign. One that said you actually could do something to change your life and find real happiness without buying three hours at a time from the dope store.

Or maybe I'm just no fun anymore.

Jah Bless

OVERIT

(((((Jester))))))

As being very new to recovery myself, I will not attempt to give you advice. But, it sounds like you are on your way to a good recovery program. I think that all of us, when we become newly sober, have to rediscover ourselves again. I know I did and am still trying to figure out who I am. I am sure that I am not the same person that I was before alcohol took over my life. Being an alcoholic and all of the things that happened in my life while I was drinking, I'm sure have changed me, so I look forward to meeting me again.

As, far as your family, I think you and your wife and kiddos are going to have to redadjust to sober life as you all know it. They have to get used to the new you, just as you have to get used to the new you. I think seperating yourself from friends/family and spending time rebuilding your own family is a great start. I know my hubby and kids are the biggest support system that I have.

You sound like you may be bored at times and think life is no fun right now, but it can be fun again, just a different kind of fun that the new you will have to adjust too.

I think gettting a sponsor is a great idea. I think you are on the right road and I look forward to your future posts and progress.

Love and hugs,

Ang

whatdoiwin?

death taxes and your family will all ruin the holidays.. thats for sure... as a matter of fact you can now say that there are three things for sure in life...death taxes and family will hump you every time you turn around....
now to the good stuff in my life

......


ok now on to reality... so im in a state of confusion based on recent events.. the stories never seem to matter if the point is claer as to whats wrong so ill just tell whats wrong and if anyone needs the story to help them figure out what the h311 im saying well they can email me a request and ill try to get to it .. basically im on the fence over weather theres been too much damage in this relationship to save it even for the benefit of the kids.. too simple i know.. not from where i stand though.. according to my significant other the affects of meth are life long even after like 3 years of not useing it even though the period of time i was useing it i only used 35 bucks worth a day and the time i used for was like 3.5 months .. plus i held down a full time job in construction while i was useing... yet the things i saw were delusions only involving her... not the usuall suspects ...you know every mother f,,,,, breathing.. tweakers arent just afraid of one person when there down...there sketching over everyone ...hence the name sketchers... however i was only afraid of breathing for one reason... her.. the symptoms of the attacks were verry specific to me my surroundings and the thing i feared most... that she was with someone else.. in my mind she made no less effort than putting it in the paper ...her showing up in my path just out of my sight but not out of my earshot left me completely aware of her actions .. ..

i better not get started on that shiot again.. nothing good ever comes from me revisiting that time anyway....

the holidays dredge up such crap i just dont like fitting into the stereotype that i like to put on other people i assume are having trouble durring the holidays because of family.. compared to disfunctional family traumas suffered in our past yould think delusions would be compareable to short term memory trouble.... which id rather have than fooked up family... however i currently fit into the stereo type. i will try to keep its toxcisity out of my memory making times... as i allready have enough to contend with just trying to watch tv without being led out to the store to make sure that my financial contrubitions to the people i know are equal the the world average in showing how i care for everyone just by keeping my arse out of truobe is not enough i guess.. they need me to purchase tokens of my love and affection for them,,,,i think theyed rather i just left the money in the bank this year so the next time i need emergency cash i dont end up looking at the gift i bought them in there house while im standing in the doorway asking for help.

can ya feel the love..

yours daily
[JDG]-Jester160


this is my sig nif acct.... she is logged in for the alanon on my screen and i was not aware ..

brb as me..

MightyJester160

you know .... for all those assholes out there that do not know what im holding back i say f,,,,,,,,, you.. for thinking its only one indrescression.... a simple little trespass on my personal space,,,, or some expectation that i give a ffffffffkkk that you think im playing a game with you so youll assume i know why youre dikkking me ... im just trying to hang onto my ffkinnngg sanity you moreoff... get away from me and leave me alone ... oh i know im still new at being sober and that ill never live as not ever having been an addict and ive got my whole life lived to make amends for and so on and so on.. re-guardless of that fact i still have feelings of my own that hurt when you do that and i feel what you are not saying and i though not strong enough to speak up for myself yet am getting better every day,,, and im sory you diddnt leave me sooner than now and all that i cant leave you though im the abuser im the out of controll addict and im healing every day a little more exactly where i stand i cant heal on the run unless its twards dealing with trouble i cant rune anymore im tired now from the abuse i inflicted on myself and im tired of abuseing myself to suit you when you dont want me to try to be the person you thought id be when i was sober in the days i was useing... im turning out to be the guy thats reacting to a hostile environment that i created that no longer fits the negative attitude that created it because im not trying to be anything but sober right now and negative is part of that struggle for me its not me as a whole its just the whole of me thats an addict trying to hold onto me... i have to let all that go you seeee its for my own good right now not to be possesed or to be possesive.. moment to moment for now for me .. for us .. for anyone around me for anyone around me...... dont be afraid ..... just be aware .. ... i was hiding from my life when i was useing.. im the one thats scared.. afraid of something so bad in me and my past that i need to try to escape from it any way i can.... you see now .... i am freaking out about what the world looks like and feels like .... i am sober today think back when all you ever wanted from me was just to please come home today and not drink for once,,,, just one night you ddnt have to be scared of me of my accusations and my fears and my anger.... you prayed id see the day when i quit it all and life would be good ..... you told me id struggle at first then it would become comfortable as time went on as i dealt with the things that i was running from as i lived in my skin as myself and was able to handle the full strenght thoughts from others about me and my life ... im here in the beginning of that you prayed for for me i took the first step i showed you i wanted better for myself..... i dont blame you anymore im not scared of who you were in my time of detatchment from reality....[smoking meth].....



i have a past that is damaged and now by me so do you ... we have kids that need a future by us .... we inside ourselves are still the children weve allways been looking to eachother in acknowledgement of eachothers hardships endured.. to be the strength we never had growing up... to be that which we need and that which we need to teach and to be all that in balance..... to cut back the suffering we live through daily as we learn to heal.. as i learn to lead... i am their father i am a cell splitting daily now as i become aware ... each new peice of information connecting to the next two that split into four then eight ..... i was born free to choose .. yet their is no way to understand then by the time i was able to understand i could only look at my freedom from my own perspective of entraptment.. seeing my own promised land as if it were attainable because of the tickelish feeling i would get each time i was choosing well enough to lead myself.... till each time i would sabotage myself at the point of my freedom overtaking me ... moments ive spent through my life living in the wake of my freedoms reign.. though prescious are the moments ive gathered memories from there ..... tougher is the work i incure at attempting to reclaim it ... .. . surrender is acceptance and acceptance is basis of grounding yourself in the reality thats the generaly accepted reality for where you are in life as seen by those around you and how you are percieved to be acting as well by those around you and giving you the feedback between what you think you did and how people reacted to what you really just did. knowing the difference... never gaining ground .. just simply knowing... knowing the distance between you and letting go just enough to become free ..... today i am sober it is harder today that yesterday..it is more important today as well though. right.. ? .. i see the reflections of my kids and jen thinking of me in the little movements of the personal things here at home ... the way they find things that will remind them of my when im away and place them where they can be seen.. where i then can now see them in their absence...my family.... i will be the one reflecting myself at me daily as i move about my own personal stuff alone ... each day i will only see my own movement ... and what will that mean to me then ... will i fight being alone even if that is whats best right now .... not that im making things unbearable here now .. i am not understood clearly here now ,,,, i dont feel like im on the same page as my kids and wife,, and they they can do no more that to be themselves in spite of who i think they are or should be ...

im tired now i need to rest ........

ill try to write more tomolly

yours daily
[JDG]Jester160

OVERIT

((((((((((Mighty Jester))))))))

I hope that you are okay.

Ang

MightyJester160

another day of dreading what will passs.. i have missed a half day from work over worrying... part of me knows i need some disaster going on in my life or im not happy and currently there are none... i know now that now is the time for me to restructure my life values and rules for living....i am not alone in this am i ... i have a wife and kids dont i... yes i do. lets see do i reach out to them to let them know its going to be ok a little each day till it gets better in general? where is my wifes opinion in all this ... that really dsnt matter though does it .. no ,,, well ??? .. hmmmm the root of my feelings are fear yes and i am very dependant right now...emotionally though i can see daily in my life some areas where im testing not being afraid of being me .. yes i can ... i like the responses i ght from people that are around me i dont yet fully have a grasp on the amount of dfamage ive done at home yet though i can guage by the difference in reactions to me given the way i act here that im still not on a credible level at home... which i can accept.. i earned that one .. i know it will take actions of realiseation of my wrong doings to begin to break down thw walls here .. i have never been at a loss for felling connected to someone though... the times i had to seperate from a close person in my life i allways went through hell emotionally and ddnt really get good advice or help getting my self back up on my feet....animals do not instinctually die emotionally from detatchment... if you hurt their feelings they just get sad yet they still continue surviveing the best they know how... i have a tough time there .. i have the support around me to get through a seperation but im afraid to start and concerened ill cave in before i get over her and end up back in the same cycle of pain again...i think about the time ill have to be alone and that i need to get good help durring that time ,,, yet it does not make starting any easier...breaking up is failure and getting back together is a failure... my best hope at getting help is in seperating....the pain will drive me to get the help i need.... im gonna feel like shiot for not have being healthy in the past wherin i could have avioded whats coming...however that seems to be my lot in life....mabe ill not get into a realtionship again with anyone that needs rescuing. or that is good at rescuing... though ill have to find out what kinds of things are ok for a sig nifficant other to do for me and what are not...

cant i just get ffffikkkked up and avoid all ths mental shiot.... its straining just typeing out this much.....i hurt today i am sober today i am really aware of the ffffikkkkinn messs im in today....

yours daily
[JDG]Jester160

Gooch

Sorry Jester... been barely keeping up with emails amd just hitting randomly on this board. pm's are the best way to grab my attention cuz I deal with waht pops up first. my sponsor's great at reminding me to just do the next thing and then I say you mean teh next right thing right? then he says .. not in your case you analyze everything way too much and wind up procrastinating on doing anything. so just do the next thing even if it's wrong and you can sort out the ammends after.

so if you haven't found a sponsor yet and want to kick over what to look for, then hit me with a pm.

Pain sucks but can be a great motivator and indicator of and for change.

MightyJester160

well i posted a nice post then as i clicked submit post it told me i had to log on.... so fkiiittttt ill post tomorrow when im not to tired to post the same thing twice.... you all missed a nice post that im too self absorbed to repost damn im an addict... bbl

yours daily
[JDG]Jester160