Mood Swings in Week 2 of Abstinence
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Mood Swings in Week 2 of Abstinence
*Trigger warning for mention of sexual abuse and rape
Hello,
I have just quit drinking after a 15-year habit. To clarify, I drank on and off for that 15 years, in college binge drinking, sometimes only having one beer a night or skipping a night. My drinking is related to trauma (I began drinking to self-soothe after a violent relationship with a person who tried to kill me; I was sexually abused when I was very young, and this led to me being targeted frequently in my young adulthood. For example, I went on an alcohol and drug binge after being raped in college, and I've been assaulted in a variety of ways since then, as I never got help for what had happened to me when I was very young and seemed to attract sexual predators and abusers. As a consequence, I usually avoided dating. Three years ago at age 32 I decided to look for a partner, but because I still had not gotten any help or even acknowledged what had happened to me, I unfortunately met someone who got me to open up to him, and pretended to be very caring, only to become abusive, rape me after we broke up, and then stalk and smear me in the community. The silver lining of this is I finally went to counseling and got help; by then, though, some major damage was done and I contracted full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder, with panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, social withdrawal, the works. I had to keep working through this, so I used to drink myself comatose to even be able to sleep, and to prevent myself from dreaming).
Three years later and I've done a tremendous amount of self-care. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I'm taking medication for it and for depression, I'm seeing a therapist, I have done a tremendous amount of internal work to discover how and why I have been vulnerable, how to protect myself and not to blame myself, and how to recover; I have been working throughout this time and supporting myself, despite living in poverty and being on Medicaid (which I have utilized to help myself to the fullest extent). My thyroid failed, according to my doctors likely a result of the extreme stress on the endocrine system from PTSD; that was absolutely terrible, but I am now taking thyroid medication for it.
I have steadily cut down on my drinking during this time, but still had days where I felt stressed and would drink a lot. Social withdrawal and anxiety is a lingering symptom of PTSD for me (I am usually very outgoing). I gained around 60 pounds when my thyroid failed, as I also kept drinking during that time.
I am physically active (I cycle for transportation), and have just rejoined a gym so I can swim, lift weights, and do some yoga classes.
I decided, in my own mind, and talking it through with my therapist, that my alcohol use is tied to my trauma, and recovery from the things that have happened to me--being able to move on from them, and not have these traumas define my life--is going to entail giving up alcohol. I need to find healthier ways to manage my recurring symptoms, and I need to lose the weight and get in shape. This is not merely for vanity or even for physical health; in the past my weight has yo-yoed, and I notice I am mentally much healthier when fit, as well (much happier, more energetic, outgoing, upbeat and positive).
I'm about two weeks into my sobriety. I am in some trying circumstances (the head of department where I teach continually makes mistakes with scheduling my classes which cause me extreme stress; I may have to turn down a summer class because of said mistakes, and I was relying on the income; I am still angry that after a whisper network formed post #metoo two years ago, and I outed the man who raped me when I was 17 and he was 24, and three more women came forward, and his wife, who was in the closed group, told us he confessed, that he still hasn't been charged with anything and is just "in therapy," and his supposedly "feminist" wife is staying with him. He was also assaulting her friends.
When I was young, I didn't tell because he was so popular I thought nobody would believe me; now I've told, other women have come forward, everyone believes me, and he's still popular. It is almost more hurtful to know that no one cares about his victims or thinks what he did is so bad than it is to think that they wouldn't believe us. What he did to me changed my life (he groomed me, when I was a teen who had never had sex, though I had been molested as a child and younger teen; he sexually abused me; and he violently raped me. I did not understand for years the difference between sexual abuse and sex, until extremely recently, in fact, because of what he did to me, and the way in which this grooming relationship was such a formative experience for me).
The man who abused me recently was also outed in this group by several women, and at the very least he has been ex-communicated from the community.
My anger over these things has grown steadily. I feel like I used alcohol to numb myself and distract myself all these years.
Also, the other day after I realized how badly my boss had messed up the scheduling and what would therefore be required of me (building an online class, unpaid, just in order to be able to deliver the materials I needed to deliver to make a measly $2000 for a three-credit course; I had been promised a regular face-to-face class, and now am being asked not to do just lesson planning and grading but to build an entire online class, which is extremely exploitative, but which I will probably have to do because I have no other choice, I need the money to survive the summer; the college is refusing to help me out by giving me their professionally-built online course of the same section, to boot, so essentially they are refusing to fix their mistake), I sobbed and sobbed like my heart would break.
The next day, I was speaking to my dad on the telephone (who told me just to "walk away" and refuse the class), and I mentioned I am worried about money; he immediately said he and my mom "were reluctant to help me," although I wasn't asking and never ask them for money (my parents, though comfortably well-off, have always been old-school types who expected us to do everything on our own; they have continued with this mindset even after what I've been through this past three years. In one sense it's made me very independent and a stronger person, in another it's extremely hurtful knowing they have made the choice to refuse to help me the past few years, not out of any concerns about money but out of their lifelong ethos of not helping their adult children). I wasn't even asking for their help, yet my dad said this. I burst into tears, and cried and cried and cried all day.
I am wondering if this hypersensitivity and the crying is about quitting drinking? Did anyone else experience this?
TL;DR: Sorry for the novel...I suppose I have my fair share to cry about, with regard to what's happened to me, but I've been doing years of therapy and had loads of time to try to come to grips with it. Two weeks after quitting drinking and I'm melting down at the slightest problem. Is this normal?
Hello,
I have just quit drinking after a 15-year habit. To clarify, I drank on and off for that 15 years, in college binge drinking, sometimes only having one beer a night or skipping a night. My drinking is related to trauma (I began drinking to self-soothe after a violent relationship with a person who tried to kill me; I was sexually abused when I was very young, and this led to me being targeted frequently in my young adulthood. For example, I went on an alcohol and drug binge after being raped in college, and I've been assaulted in a variety of ways since then, as I never got help for what had happened to me when I was very young and seemed to attract sexual predators and abusers. As a consequence, I usually avoided dating. Three years ago at age 32 I decided to look for a partner, but because I still had not gotten any help or even acknowledged what had happened to me, I unfortunately met someone who got me to open up to him, and pretended to be very caring, only to become abusive, rape me after we broke up, and then stalk and smear me in the community. The silver lining of this is I finally went to counseling and got help; by then, though, some major damage was done and I contracted full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder, with panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, social withdrawal, the works. I had to keep working through this, so I used to drink myself comatose to even be able to sleep, and to prevent myself from dreaming).
Three years later and I've done a tremendous amount of self-care. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, I'm taking medication for it and for depression, I'm seeing a therapist, I have done a tremendous amount of internal work to discover how and why I have been vulnerable, how to protect myself and not to blame myself, and how to recover; I have been working throughout this time and supporting myself, despite living in poverty and being on Medicaid (which I have utilized to help myself to the fullest extent). My thyroid failed, according to my doctors likely a result of the extreme stress on the endocrine system from PTSD; that was absolutely terrible, but I am now taking thyroid medication for it.
I have steadily cut down on my drinking during this time, but still had days where I felt stressed and would drink a lot. Social withdrawal and anxiety is a lingering symptom of PTSD for me (I am usually very outgoing). I gained around 60 pounds when my thyroid failed, as I also kept drinking during that time.
I am physically active (I cycle for transportation), and have just rejoined a gym so I can swim, lift weights, and do some yoga classes.
I decided, in my own mind, and talking it through with my therapist, that my alcohol use is tied to my trauma, and recovery from the things that have happened to me--being able to move on from them, and not have these traumas define my life--is going to entail giving up alcohol. I need to find healthier ways to manage my recurring symptoms, and I need to lose the weight and get in shape. This is not merely for vanity or even for physical health; in the past my weight has yo-yoed, and I notice I am mentally much healthier when fit, as well (much happier, more energetic, outgoing, upbeat and positive).
I'm about two weeks into my sobriety. I am in some trying circumstances (the head of department where I teach continually makes mistakes with scheduling my classes which cause me extreme stress; I may have to turn down a summer class because of said mistakes, and I was relying on the income; I am still angry that after a whisper network formed post #metoo two years ago, and I outed the man who raped me when I was 17 and he was 24, and three more women came forward, and his wife, who was in the closed group, told us he confessed, that he still hasn't been charged with anything and is just "in therapy," and his supposedly "feminist" wife is staying with him. He was also assaulting her friends.
When I was young, I didn't tell because he was so popular I thought nobody would believe me; now I've told, other women have come forward, everyone believes me, and he's still popular. It is almost more hurtful to know that no one cares about his victims or thinks what he did is so bad than it is to think that they wouldn't believe us. What he did to me changed my life (he groomed me, when I was a teen who had never had sex, though I had been molested as a child and younger teen; he sexually abused me; and he violently raped me. I did not understand for years the difference between sexual abuse and sex, until extremely recently, in fact, because of what he did to me, and the way in which this grooming relationship was such a formative experience for me).
The man who abused me recently was also outed in this group by several women, and at the very least he has been ex-communicated from the community.
My anger over these things has grown steadily. I feel like I used alcohol to numb myself and distract myself all these years.
Also, the other day after I realized how badly my boss had messed up the scheduling and what would therefore be required of me (building an online class, unpaid, just in order to be able to deliver the materials I needed to deliver to make a measly $2000 for a three-credit course; I had been promised a regular face-to-face class, and now am being asked not to do just lesson planning and grading but to build an entire online class, which is extremely exploitative, but which I will probably have to do because I have no other choice, I need the money to survive the summer; the college is refusing to help me out by giving me their professionally-built online course of the same section, to boot, so essentially they are refusing to fix their mistake), I sobbed and sobbed like my heart would break.
The next day, I was speaking to my dad on the telephone (who told me just to "walk away" and refuse the class), and I mentioned I am worried about money; he immediately said he and my mom "were reluctant to help me," although I wasn't asking and never ask them for money (my parents, though comfortably well-off, have always been old-school types who expected us to do everything on our own; they have continued with this mindset even after what I've been through this past three years. In one sense it's made me very independent and a stronger person, in another it's extremely hurtful knowing they have made the choice to refuse to help me the past few years, not out of any concerns about money but out of their lifelong ethos of not helping their adult children). I wasn't even asking for their help, yet my dad said this. I burst into tears, and cried and cried and cried all day.
I am wondering if this hypersensitivity and the crying is about quitting drinking? Did anyone else experience this?
TL;DR: Sorry for the novel...I suppose I have my fair share to cry about, with regard to what's happened to me, but I've been doing years of therapy and had loads of time to try to come to grips with it. Two weeks after quitting drinking and I'm melting down at the slightest problem. Is this normal?
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I'm so sorry about the rape and assault. I'm glad you're getting therapy to help you. I assume that you have done all you can with regards to prosecuting the man who raped you?
It is very normal to be emotional during early recovery. We usually have a lot of learning to do in order to manage our feelings. I'm sorry that your work situation is so stressful, and I hope you are able to resolve some of the problems.
It is very normal to be emotional during early recovery. We usually have a lot of learning to do in order to manage our feelings. I'm sorry that your work situation is so stressful, and I hope you are able to resolve some of the problems.
Mood swings are very common in early recovery. It should get better with more sober time. 
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