froscow

so..since getting sober..I've really been trying to be more honest and genuine since I've been a compulsive liar in the past. i was recently contacted by an old friend who i hurt due to my actions in the past. we hadn't talked in 2+ years till now. she said she wanted to rebuild trust between us. i apologized for what i did and was completely open and honest to her about my alcoholism and what not..but now i'm feeling like i scared her off...too much too soon? urgh. when am i ever going to find a balance? it's always all or nothing for me...and it almost always backfires.

IHaveFaith2016

I’ve been there too. I think as we have more sober time and we are feeling better, we want to share it-it does turn some people off; especially those who haven’t suffered through the same circumstances.
I think in time relationships will heal, but your actions of remaining sober and being a good friend consistently will really be the change they are looking for.
People may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.
Keep being the sober best version of yourself and work on you and things will fall into place.

Epictetus

Yes. Personally, I've been too much like an open book. Sometimes with no filter. I could never understand when people say they were or secret drinkers. I did/do what I want. People use things against you. They get offended, resentful, jealous, see an opportunity or simply turn malicious.

Perhaps being more prudent is the way to go, moving forward.

“[M]any believe that by being honest and open they are winning people’s hearts and showing their good nature.They are greatly deluded. Honesty is actually a blunt instrument, which bloodies more than it cuts. Your honesty is likely to offend people; it is much more prudent to tailor your words, telling people what they want to hear rather than the coarse and ugly truth of what you feel or think. More important, by being unabashedly open you make yourself so predictable and familiar that it is almost impossible to respect or fear you, and power will not accrue to a person who cannot inspire such emotions.”
Robert Greene.

tomsteve

probably a good chance she already knew about the alcoholism.
no one scares me off unless i allow it to happen.

froscow

oh i'm almost certain she knew. it was like the elephant in the room which we never addressed. but this is the first time i've been completely open to her about it..and i think it was a bit too much to share so soon after re-connecting again after so long of not talking.

Epictetus

Did you allow her to talk much about herself and what she's been up to and really listen?

Most people's favorite topic is themselves and everybody likes to be listened to

trailmix

Only you know the relationship, so it's hard to say. As a non-alcoholic it wouldn't phase me at all if someone told me that (but then again it's not a "new" topic for me).

I think both tomsteve and Epictetus hit the nail on the head though. First with the, no one scares you off unless you allow it (and is that a person you want to be your friend) and secondly, did you ask her how she is and what she is doing and genuinely listen.

Not so much because people like talking about themselves but because friendship is really about sharing. Perhaps you were nervous spilling all the beans? Time will tell, no reason you can't wait a bit then initiate another conversation.

EndGameNYC

I did the same thing you did, and more than once. It felt, to me, that I didn't have a choice, each time I did it.

I think you may have partially answered your question in your last sentence. Now may be a good time to consider why it is that you're drawn to extremes of seemingly boundless, somewhat uncontrolled openness vs dishonesty. Based on what you've stated, this truly is a "one vs the other" condition, if only because (given what you wrote) it usually ends with some type of unwanted or unnecessary loss.

I'd be much more surprised if you opened up to someone you may have hurt in the past, took responsibility for your behaviors, and explained why you think you acted the way you did and then not felt vulnerable or not gravitate towards doubt. For me, that comes with being human.

Another thing to consider is that it may help if you were to be less self-critical, which is not the same as self-reflection. From my own experience, self-criticism is sometimes used as a means of procrastinating, putting off something that we need to address sooner rather than later. Clouding the issue until a better time, one that doesn't always show up. I mean, is there a better distraction than hating on ourselves?

For me to (slowly) become more genuine than I otherwise might have been in the past, to learn who I was becoming, to be present with another person, I needed to learn to remember that there's another person on the other side of my apologies and explanations who probably does not want to feel neglected or used during one of our interactions. Again.

Activity is not the same as progress. Explaining how and why I acted like such a jerk (and I'm only being civil because this is a family-friendly place) in the past was never at all like actively engaging someone I hurt (and only to the extent that they were willing to do so).

Clearing my conscience, unloading my guilt, and learning to forgive myself were and continue to be important. But making amends is about making amends. And that means, at least in part, helping someone I hurt to restore or repair something in her that I may have broken, even if she doesn't know it, and even if only a little bit. It is no longer all about me.

Whether or not that actually happened was not my responsibility; making an honest effort to relieve someone else's suffering -- to the extent that such a thing is possible -- was much more meaningful than attempting to manipulate a preferred outcome.

I got better with it over time and with some hard work. There's no reason why anyone else can't as well.

Guener

I hope that as you change that your sincerity will be reflected as much in your actions as in any desire to lay it all on the line. Others will notice that, and if they bring up your drinking, then you can say something along the lines that you have decided to stop to improve your life and relationships. If somebody wants to know more about it, they may ask you questions that you can answer honestly.

Your friend may just have been made to feel uncomfortable. I practice that the dialogue on my change and apologies can come naturally as part of my behaviors, and that puts the control in the hands of others over how much they feel they need to know about my recovery. Not all people want to know all the details, nor do all appreciate the desire to feel less encumbered by your guilt over prior actions.

I'm paraphrasing a good deal of what has already been said here, but it is worth a consideration to reflect as much upon how the other person may receive your information as how much you feel a need to share it.

AAPJ

I find that the whole "honesty" issue is usually related to what one says and we alcoholics are quite ready talk to folks we offended as soon as we get a few days/weeks of sobriety under our belts. We want to fix the problem in one meeting/phone call. But it usually does not work that way.

For me I find it best to better my actions as a sober person. This takes time. But most people trust actions over words.

I guess I am saying that less talk more action is my chosen path going forward.

froscow

thanks for the great advice everyone.

it's such coincidental timing...last month when i hit my one year mark, i decided to make a draft apology letter to her...but i was too nervous to send it in fear of re-opening old wounds. so it's just been sitting there on my computer.. and then suddenly out of nowhere she messaged me earlier this week after over 2 years. it was so random...so my reaction was kind of like "omg no way! i was gonna message you a few weeks ago"and i jumped right into my apology letter without even really asking about her or thinking about how she might perceive it. i reacted way too quickly. i've alienated so many people in the past over my lifestyle...so i think i just too excited too quickly that i could possibly reconnect with someone i was close with.

you guys are right. i need to stop making this all about myself as well. maybe she's just taking time to digest it all. and she has her own life too (job, kids etc).

funny thing too...something that prompted her to message me is because she said she heard a barbara streisand song at work and it reminded her of me..haha. it's such a random universe we live in..

djlook

I've been sober 21 years and have made amends of all kinds to lots of people. The way my sponsor explained it to me was I make amends for myself, and after I've written a letter, or whatever, like you did, that I've become willing to make that amends, and then when the time is right for me and the other person, God will put them back into my life. When I'd been sober about eight years, my best friend just showed up one day and I rushed towards her and it all came out, what I had done and how wrong I was when I did it. She expressed her anger she had with me at the time, and now we're back to being best friends. I no longer believe in coincidences when these things happen. I believe when I'm trying the best way I know how to live my life on a different basis, God does for me what I cannot do for myself. What I hear you expressing is a willingness to clean up the wreckage of your past. Your honesty, openmindedness, and willingness took a lot of courage. Good for you. When we do something new and foreign to us in sobriety it always makes us feel awkward because we're not that person anymore. Still today, I second guess myself when it comes to relationships. Now, I try and discuss it with someone before I make amends. I talk it out with another recovered alcoholic so I get clear and find my part in the wrong or the harm I caused them. My sponsor taught me to look at amends in this light: I know what I did to you but I don't know what that did to you, what can I do to make that right.