My mother isn't talking to me
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Originally Posted by sweetichick 
Thanks Bexxed. Your story really helped me. Maybe I am too old myself to deal with my mothers problems. She is bipolar. Always at doctors. I don’t know why she has shut me out. All we did was talk about her illnesses. I will just leave it a month. Maybe longer. Thanks for your advice.
It’s not selfish to do that. It’s selfish not to do it, actually. We may not intend to cause problems when we put others first but what we are actually doing is using them as excuses to not take care of ourselves. Which is very selfish. For me, once I saw that I couldn’t un-see it if that makes sense.
Having an elderly bipolar parent is difficult. I understand it well. It’s hard to see through the disorder to the person, it gets so blurry. And you love them, you hurt them, they love you, they hurt you. And they are old and you feel terrible. It’s all nothing you can engage with when trying to get sober and even when you are sober you have to put you first when all is said and done. I didn’t get the gene because it turns out he’s not my father after all. He’s an unmedicated dry drunk. I’m grateful to not have the disorder myself.
Are you drinking?
Hugs.
bexxed
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I would add that it doesn’t matter why she shut you out. You can’t change her, or anyone’s behavior. Only you. You can only change your behavior and you can do that beginning right now. I begin every day, by not drinking and it gets easier and easier every day. I know you can, too.
xo-b
xo-b
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Originally Posted by CupofJoe
Sweeti,
I'm sorry things are difficult for you. But, like others keep saying, it's best to keep your focus inward right now. Getting involved in drama, even if it's family, will only make things more difficult.
I think one of the scariest things about sobriety was losing the familiar "comfort" of alcohol. I was talking with a rehab counselor and she told me I would have to prepare for how to deal with my problems without alcohol.
"What do you mean?" I glared. "I don't have any problems. There's nothing wrong with me. The only problem is that I drink too much." Oh, man, was I wrong.
Getting sober is a process and it can be difficult. We lose our familiar way of being in the world. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to encourage you to go through the process. And to keep your recovery friends close.
The good news is that as we get sober, we can learn new ways of living. Of coping. We can be liberated.
It can be scary and it can be difficult, but oh my God, it's the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves.
Please trust in yourself, Sweeti. Come here and talk to us. Go to an AA meeting or post here or do anything else instead of drinking.
There is an amazing woman inside of you just trying to get out. Your addiction wants to drown her voice in alcohol. Don't listen to it.
Don't worry about other people right now. Your only focus should be on staying sober and getting better.
You can do it.
I'm sorry things are difficult for you. But, like others keep saying, it's best to keep your focus inward right now. Getting involved in drama, even if it's family, will only make things more difficult.
I think one of the scariest things about sobriety was losing the familiar "comfort" of alcohol. I was talking with a rehab counselor and she told me I would have to prepare for how to deal with my problems without alcohol.
"What do you mean?" I glared. "I don't have any problems. There's nothing wrong with me. The only problem is that I drink too much." Oh, man, was I wrong.
Getting sober is a process and it can be difficult. We lose our familiar way of being in the world. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to encourage you to go through the process. And to keep your recovery friends close.
The good news is that as we get sober, we can learn new ways of living. Of coping. We can be liberated.
It can be scary and it can be difficult, but oh my God, it's the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves.
Please trust in yourself, Sweeti. Come here and talk to us. Go to an AA meeting or post here or do anything else instead of drinking.
There is an amazing woman inside of you just trying to get out. Your addiction wants to drown her voice in alcohol. Don't listen to it.
Don't worry about other people right now. Your only focus should be on staying sober and getting better.
You can do it.
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I think the advice to keep up your mental health has been a pretty common theme in all your threads, Sweeti, but I guess we can sometimes see things differently?
I had a lot of underlying issues too - I made the mistake far too long of thinking I had to solve those things before I could quit.
Don't do that.
It turned out I could stop drinking without having to solve everything first - I just had to consistently keep making the not drinking choice, no matter how I felt.
If that was tough - I reached out for support, and I got through.
If you feel your mental health contributes to your decisions to drink, I think you either need to make that clear to your p-doc or get a new p-doc?
For me, not drinking anymore, no matter what, helped me probably more than anything else to deal with all the underlying stuff
D
I had a lot of underlying issues too - I made the mistake far too long of thinking I had to solve those things before I could quit.
Don't do that.
It turned out I could stop drinking without having to solve everything first - I just had to consistently keep making the not drinking choice, no matter how I felt.
If that was tough - I reached out for support, and I got through.
If you feel your mental health contributes to your decisions to drink, I think you either need to make that clear to your p-doc or get a new p-doc?
For me, not drinking anymore, no matter what, helped me probably more than anything else to deal with all the underlying stuff
D
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
Sweeti,
So much good advice given to your thread, per usual. I hope you take some of the advice and put it to action. While we can not stop you from doing anything, only you have that power. I do hope you choose to not drink, get sober, recover, focus on you and be well. From there you can mend these broken relationships, but that is only going to improve when YOU improve your self.
How long will this go on?
Will this be a sad case we are reading about, or not reading about because you have disappeared and we are all left guessing what happened to you? - I really pray this is not ever the case
Will you be the most amazing success story and be able to share your experience, strength and hope to others?
The thing about the above is you are the one who has the CHOICE in the matter. You have to take ACTION in the matter.
You have to do the WORK.
While we can all give you advice on the daily, help you along, encourage you and sometimes give you a stern kick in the butt, it is up to YOU to be the best version of yourself.
You have so much support here it is AMAZING. All the people that come here to help you, encourage you and support you is so great. I find that you have so much love and true support here. I hope you take the bull by the horns and choose to be sober and start to recover.
Only was I able to recover when I stopped making excuses and realized the BS I was telling myself and believing. That is really all it was, BS. I was lying to myself and to others for far too long.
I was tired of feeling tired
I was tired of the lying
I was tired of not being healthy, mind, soul and body
I was tired of the excuses
I was tired of the hangover
I was tired of the same sad story... Poor me.
I was tired of it all and everything alcohol brought to my life. It was nothing but a disaster.
My prayer is that you have better days. You start to recover and look within your self and those around you see that (over time, it is not instant)
I pray you are no longer in mental anguish
So much good advice given to your thread, per usual. I hope you take some of the advice and put it to action. While we can not stop you from doing anything, only you have that power. I do hope you choose to not drink, get sober, recover, focus on you and be well. From there you can mend these broken relationships, but that is only going to improve when YOU improve your self.
How long will this go on?
Will this be a sad case we are reading about, or not reading about because you have disappeared and we are all left guessing what happened to you? - I really pray this is not ever the case
Will you be the most amazing success story and be able to share your experience, strength and hope to others?
The thing about the above is you are the one who has the CHOICE in the matter. You have to take ACTION in the matter.
You have to do the WORK.
While we can all give you advice on the daily, help you along, encourage you and sometimes give you a stern kick in the butt, it is up to YOU to be the best version of yourself.
You have so much support here it is AMAZING. All the people that come here to help you, encourage you and support you is so great. I find that you have so much love and true support here. I hope you take the bull by the horns and choose to be sober and start to recover.
Only was I able to recover when I stopped making excuses and realized the BS I was telling myself and believing. That is really all it was, BS. I was lying to myself and to others for far too long.
I was tired of feeling tired
I was tired of the lying
I was tired of not being healthy, mind, soul and body
I was tired of the excuses
I was tired of the hangover
I was tired of the same sad story... Poor me.
I was tired of it all and everything alcohol brought to my life. It was nothing but a disaster.
My prayer is that you have better days. You start to recover and look within your self and those around you see that (over time, it is not instant)
I pray you are no longer in mental anguish
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I think the advice to keep up your mental health has been a pretty common theme in all your threads, Sweeti, but I guess we can sometimes see things differently?
I had a lot of underlying issues too - I made the mistake far too long of thinking I had to solve those things before I could quit.
Don't do that.
It turned out I could stop drinking without having to solve everything first - I just had to consistently keep making the not drinking choice, no matter how I felt.
If that was tough - I reached out for support, and I got through.
If you feel your mental health contributes to your decisions to drink, I think you either need to make that clear to your p-doc or get a new p-doc?
For me, not drinking anymore, no matter what, helped me probably more than anything else to deal with all the underlying stuff
D
I had a lot of underlying issues too - I made the mistake far too long of thinking I had to solve those things before I could quit.
Don't do that.
It turned out I could stop drinking without having to solve everything first - I just had to consistently keep making the not drinking choice, no matter how I felt.
If that was tough - I reached out for support, and I got through.
If you feel your mental health contributes to your decisions to drink, I think you either need to make that clear to your p-doc or get a new p-doc?
For me, not drinking anymore, no matter what, helped me probably more than anything else to deal with all the underlying stuff
D
Thanks for your help Dee. You are right. If I tried to solve mental health issues first It could be years before I stopped. I am as of this moment committed to not drinking no matter what. It’s the only way out. I have tried controlled drinking etc
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Originally Posted by MLD51
I second what everyone else has said. Take care of yourself for a while, and leave the family drama alone. Keep it as simple as possible. Your number one priority right now is getting and staying sober. Everything else can wait until you feel stronger.
I ended up almost completely cutting ties with my father for quite some time. He was my number one trigger for drinking, so I removed him from the picture for a while. He didn't understand, and blamed me endlessly, but I didn't let that bother me. I was protecting my sobriety. That's what you need to do. You cannot control what others do or say or think. All you can control is yourself and your actions, and trying to figure out why people do what they do is a never-ending game and drama you do not need right now.
I ended up almost completely cutting ties with my father for quite some time. He was my number one trigger for drinking, so I removed him from the picture for a while. He didn't understand, and blamed me endlessly, but I didn't let that bother me. I was protecting my sobriety. That's what you need to do. You cannot control what others do or say or think. All you can control is yourself and your actions, and trying to figure out why people do what they do is a never-ending game and drama you do not need right now.
Thanks for sharing your story. All I want to focus on now is sobriety and not endless drama with my parents. You are right in cutting people off who are triggers.
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Originally Posted by sweetichick
Thanks for your help Dee. You are right. If I tried to solve mental health issues first It could be years before I stopped. I am as of this moment committed to not drinking no matter what. It’s the only way out. I have tried controlled drinking etc
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Originally Posted by sweetichick
Thanks for your help Dee. You are right. If I tried to solve mental health issues first It could be years before I stopped. I am as of this moment committed to not drinking no matter what. It’s the only way out. I have tried controlled drinking etc
Once you have stopped drinking for a period of time, your mental health will improve, things will become clearer. Then a Dr will be able to treat any underlying issues properly.
I thought I had an unmanageable anxiety problem. Once I stopped drinking I realised that my anxiety problem was nowhere near as bad as I thought. I went for CBT treatment and I was walking into the room going, "actually, I'm ok" The therapist was like, there's not much I can do for you, you seem fine.
Key thing is, alcohol made me feel like that, I wasn't that bad without alcohol.
Stop making yourself ill through drinking, and then you can start working on yourself, along with Doctors, on any treatment you will need.
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Originally Posted by sweetichick
Thanks for your help Dee. You are right. If I tried to solve mental health issues first It could be years before I stopped. I am as of this moment committed to not drinking no matter what. It’s the only way out. I have tried controlled drinking etc
So glad to see you here. I just wanted to add my voice to the people who also couldn't get better until they got sober. I tried therapy whilst drinking--it was a waste of time.
Once I got sober and started clearing up, I went back to therapy and wow, what a difference. That was when I started to truly heal. My mental health problems were unmanageable while drinking.
Sobriety should be your number one concern. The other issues will arise, but don't let them drive you back to drinking. You're stronger than that and you have plenty of people who want to help you, who've been through the process themselves. And even if you don't feel strong, that's what you've got friends for.
Please lean on us for support, not the bottle.
Giving up is NOT an option.
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Yep -
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder while I was still drinking. I was nearly suicidal some days. I was on medication, which didn't help much. Medications for depression don't really work well with alcohol. I was a complete mess.
I quit drinking, and felt better pretty quickly. Went off my meds gradually at about 6 months sober. I'm over 4 years sober now and I have never felt better, mentally. Turned out most of my depression and anxiety was because of the alcohol.
This is not the case for everyone, I know. I understand there are folks with mental illnesses that won't be "cured" with quitting alcohol. I'm just trying to illustrate that alcohol can and does exacerbate any underlying mental illness that might be present.
There is really no way to heal mentally and emotionally while you are still drinking.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder while I was still drinking. I was nearly suicidal some days. I was on medication, which didn't help much. Medications for depression don't really work well with alcohol. I was a complete mess.
I quit drinking, and felt better pretty quickly. Went off my meds gradually at about 6 months sober. I'm over 4 years sober now and I have never felt better, mentally. Turned out most of my depression and anxiety was because of the alcohol.
This is not the case for everyone, I know. I understand there are folks with mental illnesses that won't be "cured" with quitting alcohol. I'm just trying to illustrate that alcohol can and does exacerbate any underlying mental illness that might be present.
There is really no way to heal mentally and emotionally while you are still drinking.
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Hi,
Just ran across your post and it struck a cord with me. I definitely have issues with my family. It’s a toxic relationship and recently, my mom came to stay with me - she had to (don’t ask). Fortunately, I have enough sobriety under my belt to handle things, but my goodness it was difficult. All of the things I “left” at home when I was young were right in my face on a daily basis!
Being sober and thinking clearly, I am happiest and I hang on to that like gold...because it is! Sobriety has to come first - the rest will wait (trust me - it wont end).
To be honest, I dont think you have to always sort things out. I think it’senough for you to know for yourself that you dont want to engage in negativity and then refuse to do it....set boundaries and be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, and then move forward. Keep your eye on the prize and whenever your not sure that it’s in sight, ask yourself how your thinking or what you’re doing and saying is serving your purpose!
Best wishes....PS. Mom is moving out soon and I am stil sober!
Just ran across your post and it struck a cord with me. I definitely have issues with my family. It’s a toxic relationship and recently, my mom came to stay with me - she had to (don’t ask). Fortunately, I have enough sobriety under my belt to handle things, but my goodness it was difficult. All of the things I “left” at home when I was young were right in my face on a daily basis!
Being sober and thinking clearly, I am happiest and I hang on to that like gold...because it is! Sobriety has to come first - the rest will wait (trust me - it wont end).
To be honest, I dont think you have to always sort things out. I think it’senough for you to know for yourself that you dont want to engage in negativity and then refuse to do it....set boundaries and be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, and then move forward. Keep your eye on the prize and whenever your not sure that it’s in sight, ask yourself how your thinking or what you’re doing and saying is serving your purpose!
Best wishes....PS. Mom is moving out soon and I am stil sober!
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Nothing changes if nothing changes Sweeti and I strongly suggest that you find some way, to get into rehab. You have proven over and over again, you can't seem to do this on your own.
I also think that the last thing a poorly 73 year old needs right now, is added stress so I would leave well alone at least until you have a few months under your belt.
I really hope you do it this time.
I also think that the last thing a poorly 73 year old needs right now, is added stress so I would leave well alone at least until you have a few months under your belt.
I really hope you do it this time.
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Originally Posted by matrac
Hi,
Just ran across your post and it struck a cord with me. I definitely have issues with my family. It’s a toxic relationship and recently, my mom came to stay with me - she had to (don’t ask). Fortunately, I have enough sobriety under my belt to handle things, but my goodness it was difficult. All of the things I “left” at home when I was young were right in my face on a daily basis!
Being sober and thinking clearly, I am happiest and I hang on to that like gold...because it is! Sobriety has to come first - the rest will wait (trust me - it wont end).
To be honest, I dont think you have to always sort things out. I think it’senough for you to know for yourself that you dont want to engage in negativity and then refuse to do it....set boundaries and be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, and then move forward. Keep your eye on the prize and whenever your not sure that it’s in sight, ask yourself how your thinking or what you’re doing and saying is serving your purpose!
Best wishes....PS. Mom is moving out soon and I am stil sober!
Just ran across your post and it struck a cord with me. I definitely have issues with my family. It’s a toxic relationship and recently, my mom came to stay with me - she had to (don’t ask). Fortunately, I have enough sobriety under my belt to handle things, but my goodness it was difficult. All of the things I “left” at home when I was young were right in my face on a daily basis!
Being sober and thinking clearly, I am happiest and I hang on to that like gold...because it is! Sobriety has to come first - the rest will wait (trust me - it wont end).
To be honest, I dont think you have to always sort things out. I think it’senough for you to know for yourself that you dont want to engage in negativity and then refuse to do it....set boundaries and be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, and then move forward. Keep your eye on the prize and whenever your not sure that it’s in sight, ask yourself how your thinking or what you’re doing and saying is serving your purpose!
Best wishes....PS. Mom is moving out soon and I am stil sober!
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