AmberNichole

Sorry in advance for the novel. I am ashamed and need to get all this off my chest.

I have tried and failed multiple times. You would think that my kids, my future, my goals, would be enough. Nothing is.
I joined this forum years ago while I was living in Florida. I successfully made it into a bachelors RN program. I did ok even with my alcoholism. Living on my own, with kids took its financial toll eventually and I had no choice, but to stop the program and move. My family is all in Alaska, so me and my 3 kids went up there.
That was another time I thought that I could stop drinking. New start right? Yeah that didn't happen. Ended up meeting a great guy up there. He liked to drink, so it was the perfect excuse to drink. We would go out for his lunches and have lunch and a drinks. He didn't know I was drinking well before we met up and id continue as soon as we parted ways. Drinking and driving the entire time. with my kids or not. Did the same in Florida, but the ice probably made it more dangerous. Never got any DUI's or in any accidents. I really can't drink enough to actually get "buzzed" or "drunk" unless I'm drinking insane amounts of hard alcohol. Although I'm sure my BAC would be up there though.
I ended up getting pregnant. I cut back a lot. I am ashamed, but I continued to drink the equivalent of a couple beers a day for the entire pregnancy. I lost about 40-50lbs during the pregnancy, due to the lack of calories from alcohol. Thankfully he is a happy healthy 3yo now and I didn't have any complications.
My boyfriend got a job offer in Tahoe, Ca and we moved. He went down first while I got the household together. That's when I found out that I could smell gasoline from a can and get one of the best highs I've ever experienced. He was gone so i was smelling gas and getting drunk daily. I would hallucinate and black out over the can in freezing temperatures. My older kids (teens) said i would act weird when i came in and would ask what was wrong with me. Don't ever do that. I think I still have issues from it and surprised im not dead.
Moved down to Tahoe. My mom passed away due to liver failure. She drank herself to death. Continued to drink the same. Would smell gasoline too. Thankfully something with california gas makes it not smell good.
Found out I was pregnant again. Did the same thing I did with the first. Cut down but still drank. Would have wine, or beers. Occasionally a mixed drink. She was born premature. Thankfully she is a healthy 1yo with no issues. I got my tubes tied.
My dad died. Basically drank himself to death as well. He had been sober for almost a year when his liver gave out. Too little too late.
Here I am still drinking. I started going to the doctor and dentist. my front teeth were destroyed from drinking. My blood work isn't very good. The gave me 10-15 years. Said I probably wouldn't see my youngest two get to high school. It doesn't really affect me. I honestly have no desire to live. Only thing that bothers be about my drinking is the weight gain and feeling like crap. I work at a vet office and have debated getting a hold of the euthanasia solution.
I need to try again though. I miss enjoying things, anythingggg. Everything I ever enjoyed doesn't matter to me. My ideal day would be to lay in bed, drink and sleep.
I am still very much functional to the world. My job would never think that I have drank every day I work there. I drink before i go in, put more in water bottles, and top off at lunch. then after work it's straight to the store so i can have enough until bed. No one around me has a clue. My boyfriend quit drinking a few months ago and doesn't even realize what im drinking. Still never got a DUI or any legal trouble. Im a functional mess who is literally dying. And to top it off I don't eat. haven't really for years. My fatness is pure alcohol. That's the only thing that fuels my body. I eat maybe a couple bites of food when i cook dinner for everyone. Yup home made meals every night for my entire family, but i wont eat. Looks like ill end up in liver failure, then my kidneys will go, just like my parents.
As corny as it is I'm going to attempt it again on the 1st. This time I have the means to go to AA and I have honestly thought about buying a breathalyzer for boyfriend (been together almost 4 years now) to test me whenever he feels the need. Also getting into counseling and have started the process to get antibuse. Even though my only really reason is to stop gaining weight and feel better, I am hoping this helps with my depression as well, which in turn will make me enjoy things again and replace my self medicating with alcohol.

NYCDoglvr

Self-will is a huge problem for us alcoholics. When I became desperate I went to AA and took suggestions from a sponsor. I'd proven my best thinking got me drunk, I gave up, and changed my life. It sounds like you have a plan.........the thing is to do it. You can stay sober, I promise you!!

doggonecarl

I glad you are giving it a go. Once you are sober for a while, you find lots of reasons to stay sober.

But please don't wait until new years. If you are serious about quitting...quit. Now. Go back, see your doctor, and ask for something to help with the withdrawals.

AmberNichole

I know I won't be able to with the amount I am drinking, it could be dangerous. I know how to safely wean myself down without having to be hospitalized. RN school comes in handy once and awhile. My doctors have stated that I should not stop right away and advised inpatient detox, which is not doable for me. I am going from drinking nearly a 1/4 of a gallon daily to stopping, so its a little touchy. from the time I wake up to the time i fall asleep i drink. I have already cut out hard alcohol, but am still consuming a pretty high amount, but it considerably less. I don't even feel the affects of alcohol anymore, my tolerance is so high.

DarklingSong

I was deeply saddened to hear your story. You are showing great courage to try and break this addiction. You will find wonderful support here at SR. So glad you are here.

Spider

I suppose a vet clinic might be busy during the holidays, but a great deal of people cruise from Christmas to New Years. Any windows of opportunity there? Not a Dr., but it sounds like you're the reason med detox was invented. I've been there....I think alc and Xanax are the only two intoxicants that can be fatal when denied a dependent. Best to you

Anna

I'm sorry that you feel you don't want to continue living. I hope you can see that your children need their mother and they need you to take care of yourself. Please talk to your dr or go to an ER if you feel you will harm yourself.

There is lots of support here and information, too. I do hope you continue to read and to post.

SnazzyDresser

Yes, you can do this. We can all do a lot more than we realize! Doesn't mean it's easy, it can be brutally difficult at times.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you have some good ideas there Amber. However, waiting until the 1st sounds like a bad idea. I planned to quit "tomorrow" lots and lots of time but tomorrow never came.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant drug, so it's not only likely but probable that your alcohol abuse is closely related to your depression. Quitting could really help in the long run.

As far as whether or not you can do it, the reality is that it's simply a choice. If you really want to quit you can - people in much worse situations than you have done so. I personally didn't quit until i was in my 40s, some are in their 50's, 60's or later. I was also colossally selfish during my active drinking years too - alcohol does that to you unfortunately.

I hope we can help you form a plan to quit...but to be fully upfront it's got to be you that makes the choice and puts fort the effort no matter what program or method you choose.

PhoenixJ

I just replied on your other thread Amber-N In my experience- I have seen a few women have issues with food and booze. So you are not alone. I find- for my issues (c-PTSD, Major depression, burns and more) professional support helps a great deal. If I talk to someone who is objective and is not in my personal world, it really helps I make sure I am honest with how I am thinking and feeling- tell them what I am doing about my problems, and what I think I might do- then that gives them something to work with. Even if my words are like an Ikea flatpack with no instructions- they help put it together.
Journal writing helps too- just the mechanics of putting words on paper- helps me clear my thoughts...handwriting for me is better and a computer, as I have to take more time. I also use art as a way of expressing emotions- it helps me understand what I am processing.
My prayers and support to you.

Dee74

Welcome back AmberNichole

I was nearly dead from my drinking but I didn;t blame the booze. I thought I was instrinically screwed up.

Turns out it was the booze

I've rediscovered my real true self and I've built a life i love. There's absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the same

Don't wait to start your new life

D

PalmerSage

Hi Amber, and welcome. I can't imagine that you're enjoying drinking anymore, you sound miserable, and I can completely relate. Now is the time. I quit almost exactly a year ago, and my life--including my weight--is completely transformed. Please join the class of December here, call in all the resources you possibly can IRL, and make this happen. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you, Amber. I hope it helped to tell your story - we're here to encourage you. I drank 30 yrs. In the end, it was every day. I found strength and courage to change my life by participating here. There is no doubt you can get free and have a wonderful new beginning.

iwilltryagain

Thanks for sharing. Kudo's to you for trying again. Please don't give up.

What puzzles me is you don't have desire to live or care to see your kids go to high school but you are worried about your weight! ? Really.

Let's for an argument change that a little bit- You live to see your kids go to the high school and then what...the side effect is you will lose weight. What I mean to say is stop drinking da!, but there are other methods to lose weight but still keep drinking, that is not going to help thru to see best of the life and be there for kids (school, college, their weddings and their kids). Please think in those terms, you have lot more left.

You are doing the right thing, but don't go back to drinking and wait for DUI. Slay the monster before it takes you out.

Sorry for rambling. Keep trying and try to succeed !! Good luck

George3334

Hi Amber,
I am so sorry to read that you lost your parents to alcoholism and all the challenges you are facing. You also sound like a very strong person as you have handled the moves, the pregnancies, making home cooked meals for the family while also working! You're pretty amazing, really. Hang in there and stick with the plan that you're intuition is telling you to follow. It sounds like you're heading toward the right path to getting clean. Yes, it will be hard. And you already know this. You can do it!

chicory

Amber, there are a lot of people here who will be more than happy to support you in your plan. You do sound like you have a lot of strength and courage. You can do this. people do and so can you.

Free2bme888

(((((Amber)))))


You got this!

Your soul is crying out....listen to it.

Agree with others. Agree with tapering if you feel unsafe as you said you will get help.

Boyfriend also alc? Perhaps he will get treatment with you.

Best wished

Jules714

Sure can! You have gotten through a lot...Look at you!
I hope you'll reconsider medical detox. You know better...lol. You canca control drinking and you can't guarantee a safe withdrawl without meds.
Good luck,
Jules.