Polished

Hello everyone.

I posted a few months ago about trying to quit alcohol. I made it a few days and went straight back to it I doubt anyone will remember me so just to reintroduce myself - I'm a 30-year-old UK woman and have been drinking problematically since I was 18, but alcoholically since about 24. I've tried a number of times to get sober, and have used drug and alcohol services a couple of times, but I am ashamed to say I've never been able to do it

Anyway, things have reached a new low for me now. I'm drinking basically from the moment I wake up, and all day and evening long. I've just come off a week-long bender of alcohol and cocaine (which I'd stopped doing habitually years ago). I felt suicidal yesterday and I my mind was in such a frightening place I had to call my sister and tell her how I felt, just to try and keep a grip on reality. I'm feeling a little better today but still awful overall.

I've had a bottle of wine today, but I threw the last of the bottle out, along with (lots and lots of) empties. There's no alcohol in the house now and I'm drinking a cup of green tea.

I'm desperate to get sober but my drink problem only ever seems to get worse my life is a mess. I'm so scared about what I've done to my body - my right side hurts towards my back.. I've had two doctors appointments over the last few weeks which I intended to use to admit to my problem and get some help/tests, but I cancelled them both because I'm just terrified of having to confess, and also of what the tests will show. But I cannot carry on like this. I'll die.

I feel pretty ashamed to be crawling back with my tale of woe, and I'm sorry this is a desperately depressing post. I'm steaming some chicken and vegetables for dinner, and then I'm going to get into bed and get some sleep. Tomorrow will be my proper day one.

Thank you for reading

Anna

Welcome back! Alcoholism is a progressive disease and that's why your drinking is getting worse. It will worsen until you stop drinking. I'm glad you've gotten rid of the alcohol at home and are ready to make this work. It's always a good idea to have a plan in place that will help you to stop drinking and to stay sober.

I hope you continue to post and let us know how you're doing.

Midwest1981

I am glad to see you here. I think it is really great that you have taken some positive steps today. The green tea and healthy food will help a lot. I hope you make and keep that doctors appointment. They have seen it all and shouldn't judge you.

Don't beat yourself up too badly. Shame can pull you back into drinking.

D122y

Pol,

Initially staying clean was painful loathing exisstance. It slowly subsided, in and out of hell on earth. This lasted for months and months, but getting noticeably better each day.

The improvements gave me hope I would get better and better. I have.

I tried not to make any big decisions over that last few years, but they came up.

I bought a car, am getting solar panels, and yesterday finally explained to my boss that he sends me into...fight or flight mode.

Just saying that to him made me feel 100% better. Whether it improves our relationship is yet to be determined, but saying it was like opening my heart and throwing it on the table. I didn't cry or anything. He has made men cry before. He can be a real tool.

I am looking forward to future interaction because now I can take a deep breath and work through my struggle because he knows a bit about my feelings toward him.

I explained that he and my Dad are the only people that do that to me. He told me he understands and that he had ben told that by others before.

No kidding. He is such a tool. I am facing my fears better because I am super clean.

I have been exercising since before I quit being a drunk. I used to routinely get so light headed when I over exerted myself. I hardly get that way any more.

I was a binger for 45 years... binge drinking since I was a lad of 5. Sad story.

So glad to be booze free. It is a blessed feeling. Like they say...if I can do it so can you.

Exercise, lots of clean eating, and sweets when I crave got me this far.

Thanks.

Dee74

I remember you

I'm not up on what approaches alcohol and drug services provide - what kind of things have you tried to stay sober in the past Polished?

D

Polished

Dee74

That sounds like counselling to me.
SMART recovery is not one on one as far as I know, or Lifering.

I'd probably check the meeting out - there's no compulsion on you to go back if you don't like it.

If you're interested in finding out more about those approaches I mentioned or other methods - do some googling - more methods have an online prescence these days and may even provide online meetings

D

PhoenixJ

Polished, when I stopped the booze- I was drinking 5L of rotgut white cask wine a day. My experience of stopping reminds me that fear of fear (for me) was worse than fronting up and seeing a GP (March 2016- still have same one). I could not remember a 4 digit pin, and would get lost walking to the end of the street where I lived. It is hard- but everything in early recovery is- but you do not have to do it alone. When I showed Health P's I would listen to them, do as was suggested- I got more support. Meetings helped- just for socializing. Just go- and see what happens.

Support to you.

Polished