allishope73

Hello kind people. I m a week sober since last lapse and it was last . Today i woke up and had dreams about my husband that he came back . There was my mother as well i dream i was explaining what was burn out ...that i worked to long to hard and now i did not know if i recover. I was telling them i do not use alcohol to fight fatigue and anxiety but still excusing myself that i m not productive as i was . Anyway got up said it was only a dream and carry on. Posted here in November thread. Got redy to gym. And it started tears down my face...like no meaninv of life . 24/7 alone mobile only window to world and gym and nearest area as no money for bus fares from social. So i started missing my husbnd and my identity as wife normal life we had only two years ago. Missing safety meaning security family . He was my only family no kids only him and me in foreign country. Managed the gym neafly cried but toughened up. Trained. Started thinking i want to smoke a ciggarete nearly made up decision i ll go and buy ...quickly removed waste of money i can spend on healthy food. Than was like life is unbearable whats the point. I can drink myself now nobody gives a s.....of course removed this thought. Yesterday i managed to arrange free house evaluation agent coming monday its a big thing for me . I did it from library using their pc ...something practical so was glad. I cannot waste my effort az i have some trapped emotions and lonely. I could meet nice boy yesterday for date but he is younger and i do not do casual he asked twice although 15 years younger and very pretty i want a partner not fun . I m still attractive very much but i feel like zero since my husband left. It would be only to feed into my ego as a woman . I do not want this. I want integrity and partner not casual fun. So i cut him off. Choose being alone. Writinv this from gym . Crying . Its awfully raining and winds. I m not buying ciggaretes and i m not drinking. I posted here i cried . I ll go get some fruit make coffee . I ll try to give love and care to myself today. In a year time life may change if i go jnto numbing i kill my body and soul. Praying God help me through this darkness and pain. Need a hug a teddy whatever a human bealthy touch . Thank you for reading . Tommorow carrying on week two x D

Lorie1482

CaptainHaddock

Hang in there, Allishope. Keep doing the healthy things you are doing now, like going to the gym and eating healthy. Go for a walk if you feel like it, even if the weather is not that great. Snuggle up with a good book or take a long bath.

Post here if you are feeling lonely. Staying sober will give the best possible chance for positive changes to take a hold in your life.

Dee74

The early days really are an emptional rollercoaster allishope - it helped me to remember that and to realise that what I was feeling might not actually be connected to anything but simply my brain and body healing.

Things will stabilise and get better

D

Atlast9999

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you

allishope73

Thank you . I shall carry on . Ps. How holks can add pics or music on this site. I have so cute pics of a cat . Thank you x D