Not sure how to handle this
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Not sure how to handle this
Day 4 sober for me. My husband is barely speaking to me but I just got a text that our friends are coming over to watch a baseball game. We drink with them all the time so there will be alcohol involved. I'm not going to ask my hubby to cancel as I've put him through enough. But now I'm stressing! I gotta clean house...buy food and non alcoholic drink for me..entertain...etc! How am I going to pull off I'm not drinking? I was thinking just saying I didn't feel too well or had an upset stomach? I realize life goes on....no matter how we feel or what we are going through. I'm selfish enough im not going to ruin my hubby's plans. I texted him asking about food and drinks...he hasn't replied. Anxiety is high right now! Should I just let him worry about the entertaining part? At least I'm sober today...grateful for that! Sorry if this sounds so petty...but it affects me since I'm so insecure...so early on in recovery. Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by Newme2018 
My husband is barely speaking to me but I just got a text that our friends are coming over to watch a baseball game.
If your husband invited them, then he can clean up for them, shop for them, and entertain them. And you can say I don't feel like company and stay in your room.
But I have a feeling that your insecurity is going to make the decisions for you, not advice any of us give you.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
If your friends invited themselves, that is kinda rude and you have every right to say, "Not tonight, thanks."
If your husband invited them, then he can clean up for them, shop for them, and entertain them. And you can say I don't feel like company and stay in your room.
But I have a feeling that your insecurity is going to make the decisions for you, not advice any of us give you.
If your husband invited them, then he can clean up for them, shop for them, and entertain them. And you can say I don't feel like company and stay in your room.
But I have a feeling that your insecurity is going to make the decisions for you, not advice any of us give you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
How about trying on the direct approach, simply state "I'm not drinking". If they start to goad you into explaining, simply state again <something like> "I am not wanting to drink, you all go ahead." After they consume several drinks, then go to your room and watch a movie on your laptop, or read a book. They probably won't even notice if you're gone.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Any excuse will do, truth is even the hardest drinkers taken night off here or there. Just do the right thing by your husband, sounds like you owe him that.
Under the weather, exercising early in the morning, just taking a night off, anything works and in the end they'll be more for them to drink anyhow.
Under the weather, exercising early in the morning, just taking a night off, anything works and in the end they'll be more for them to drink anyhow.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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My advice would be don't lie. However, you don't need to say anymore than 'No, thanks' if offered alcohol. You don't owe anyone an explanation. And, if your husband invited the people over and didn't let you know ahead of time, it should be up to him to entertain.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hmmm. As far as the party goes, do what you have to do to protect yourself. If that means maybe ducking out a bit early and going to bed, not feeling well, whatever. Do that.
In general however it sounds like you and the hub need to have a talk about the overall 'get sober' plan. He clearly doesn't like your drinking. Does he know you are trying to quit? I would encourage you to have a frank discussion about your plan, what you need in order to stay quit. Obviously having drinking friends over on day 4 is not ideal. If he is supportive, great. If not you communicate clearly to him that you plan to stay sober and will put up the necessary boundaries, especially early on , in order to do so.
In general however it sounds like you and the hub need to have a talk about the overall 'get sober' plan. He clearly doesn't like your drinking. Does he know you are trying to quit? I would encourage you to have a frank discussion about your plan, what you need in order to stay quit. Obviously having drinking friends over on day 4 is not ideal. If he is supportive, great. If not you communicate clearly to him that you plan to stay sober and will put up the necessary boundaries, especially early on , in order to do so.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I agree with the other responses that you need an escape plan: early day tomorrow, headache, using antibiotics, anything. If it gets too overwhelming, leave the house: run out for some forgotten groceries or medicine. Do whatever you need to do to protect your sobriety. It’s perfectly ok for the hostess to need to excuse herself while entertaining.
Ill also echo the others and remind you that “no” is a complete sentence.
Hang in there!
Ill also echo the others and remind you that “no” is a complete sentence.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Just be upfront about things.
When I stopped I used to just say "I'm not drinking today" and thats it.
No long winded explanations needed, no lies / excuses.
Guess what ? .... no one cares !
9 times out of 10 people just said "Oh cool" or something like that.
I did get a hard time from a few of my more hard core macho drinking buddies .... but I just kept saying no and eventually they just left it.
Keep it simple.
When I stopped I used to just say "I'm not drinking today" and thats it.
No long winded explanations needed, no lies / excuses.
Guess what ? .... no one cares !
9 times out of 10 people just said "Oh cool" or something like that.
I did get a hard time from a few of my more hard core macho drinking buddies .... but I just kept saying no and eventually they just left it.
Keep it simple.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 5
This is a tough subject. The disease hits us all a little bit differently.
For me drinking sparkling water helps a bit. That refreshing kick maybe does something psychologically to relax me without making me stupid.
I remember my first run at sobriety that lasted well over a year. Day 6: I found my self in a bar/restaurant seated at a table right by the bar. A crowded bar. I had so much legal trouble hanging over my head I was just watching everyone drink and kind of going through mood swings. I accepted not drinking was going to be my life now. I got through it, I wasn't going to spend sobriety in a bomb shelter. I was remembering what that poison did to my life, I was angry and I was going to stare it down.
With 2 months of sobriety: A good friend came in from out of town. He is younger and hit the bars more than I did, I liked to drink alone and drug. Every now and then we would hit the bars together when he lived close by and we would get absolutely hammered. I had not seen him in such a long time I was like hell with it I'll go out to the bars, I can handle it. By then I was getting use to not drinking. I had a good time. In the situation I kept forgetting I wasn't drunk, even though I didn't have 1 single drink. I kind of fed off of everyone's buzz and enjoyed the company of the people, not the drink. People that had seen me wasted time and time again were amazed. Even though the people we were with were drinking they had nothing but positive things to say about me being able to control myself.
At day 6 I was on my own and didn't know any better. At 2 months I had a sponsor on stand by.
For me drinking sparkling water helps a bit. That refreshing kick maybe does something psychologically to relax me without making me stupid.
I remember my first run at sobriety that lasted well over a year. Day 6: I found my self in a bar/restaurant seated at a table right by the bar. A crowded bar. I had so much legal trouble hanging over my head I was just watching everyone drink and kind of going through mood swings. I accepted not drinking was going to be my life now. I got through it, I wasn't going to spend sobriety in a bomb shelter. I was remembering what that poison did to my life, I was angry and I was going to stare it down.
With 2 months of sobriety: A good friend came in from out of town. He is younger and hit the bars more than I did, I liked to drink alone and drug. Every now and then we would hit the bars together when he lived close by and we would get absolutely hammered. I had not seen him in such a long time I was like hell with it I'll go out to the bars, I can handle it. By then I was getting use to not drinking. I had a good time. In the situation I kept forgetting I wasn't drunk, even though I didn't have 1 single drink. I kind of fed off of everyone's buzz and enjoyed the company of the people, not the drink. People that had seen me wasted time and time again were amazed. Even though the people we were with were drinking they had nothing but positive things to say about me being able to control myself.
At day 6 I was on my own and didn't know any better. At 2 months I had a sponsor on stand by.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
I have 20 months and I still really don't like to be around people drinking. I just spent two hours at a small birthday party and I was jumping out of my skin the whole time. I can do sporting events but watching sports at a bar isn't enough of a distraction. I used to do a lot of dancing and I do not need drinks to find courage to hit the dance floor. I've been to the club a couple of times and and that's OK for a short while but once I'm tired I need to go. I've been to a few concerts and had a blast and didn't notice the drinking that went on. I need a pretty big distraction to be out at some kind of event
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Dee74
Have you touched base with AA yet newme? That's another reservoir of support that could be helpful in situations like these?
D
D
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Thank you all who responded! I read each post and found them to all be very helpful. The night went better than expected. I let the hubby handle the food and drinks although I went to the store to buy me some sparkling water. Our guests arrived. It was time to offer drinks. I offered beer soda and sparkling water. Right off the bat I told one of the wives I was not drinking because I had to wake up early to workout. I think it came out out of nervousness because she didnt even ask lol. She said she had a headache and said she would have sparkling water too. I felt a little relief. No matter what though I was not going to drink. I had a good time....moments of awkwardness for me but it was not too bad. Thank you again everyone, I see how helpful this site can be! Your advice and sharing your experiences are priceless! Much love to all! I can't wait until I get to a point of confidence with my sobriety where I don't have to give an explanation!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by Newme2018
Thank you all who responded! I read each post and found them to all be very helpful. The night went better than expected. I let the hubby handle the food and drinks although I went to the store to buy me some sparkling water. Our guests arrived. It was time to offer drinks. I offered beer soda and sparkling water. Right off the bat I told one of the wives I was not drinking because I had to wake up early to workout. I think it came out out of nervousness because she didnt even ask lol. She said she had a headache and said she would have sparkling water too. I felt a little relief. No matter what though I was not going to drink. I had a good time....moments of awkwardness for me but it was not too bad. Thank you again everyone, I see how helpful this site can be! Your advice and sharing your experiences are priceless! Much love to all! I can't wait until I get to a point of confidence with my sobriety where I don't have to give an explanation!
Also, one of the wives choosing not to drink. Just an example of how we obsess about drinking or not drinking and how it may look to others, yet to those same other people, they don't even give the thought of not drinking at an event a second glance.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 5
Congratulations! I know how hard that was because I've been in this exact scenario.
Those social situations at the beginning always ended badly for me - because I found myself using the occasion as an excuse to drink. In addition, having to explain to my friends (who obviously have been around a drinking me) that I am not drinking would create lots of questions that I wouldn't want to answer.
You did so great.
Those social situations at the beginning always ended badly for me - because I found myself using the occasion as an excuse to drink. In addition, having to explain to my friends (who obviously have been around a drinking me) that I am not drinking would create lots of questions that I wouldn't want to answer.
You did so great.
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