PinnacleOR

My Day 5 is in full swing. Still a rough go with sleeping, last night I didn't fall asleep until at last 1am and the dog woke me up at 7. But I'll be patient and treat myself well, and hope better sleep comes soon.

I was supposed to be a prominent co-presenter at a conference today, but (a few days ago) I decided I wouldn't do it. I was stressing out at the prospect of it, and in early recovery I felt that sobriety should be first. It was a volunteer thing, and I am sure they found a fine plan b. That stuff is hard for me to decide though - as it's my perception that the world revolves around me and that everything that happens in my orbit it either my fault or to my credit. Judged if you present, judged if you don't. So not true! Nobody will even remember a month from now whether or not I was there.

Also found out yesterday a friend from uni (my age) had died unexpectedly. Hadn't had much contact with him over the years, but as I went through old photos I realized we did a lot together. Why hadn't I reached out more to say hi? Like many friendships I'd neglected this one in my own self-centeredness. Does alcoholism make us self-centered, or are we alcoholics because we are self-centered to begin with?

Anyway, feel ok today, still like I'm on the tail end of the flu, tired and lethargic. Will look to stay connected here, clean up the place, get a bit of work done and get out for a walk in the autumn air.

Back to work tomorrow.

mns1

Sorry for your loss Pinnacle

Accord1

I used to have a lot of friends, now im down to one good one, and im lucky to have him. For me, alcohol pushed all of these people away. For a long time, i thought it was them, but after this period of sobriety i realize it was me. Booze was just more important at the time. No going back. Im sorry to hear about your friend.

Gottalife

Sorry to hear about your friend. It is doubly unexpected in one so young. Who could have known?

You ask a good question above. My experience was after my first experience of intoxication at about age ten, I became restelss, irritable and discontent (I began getting into trouble at school and in my community) even though I was not drinking. I think a switch was thrown, and I was not to feel ok again until I got back to alcohol at 13 years of age, and it appeared to be the solution.

I think, based on that experience, the alcoholism made me self cetred. I was oK before taking that first drink. Childhood was fine. After drinking again, alcoholism began to go to work on me, screwing up my thinking and perception of the world and destroying my ability to function as a normal human being. As the problems piled up I began to function more by instinct than anything else. Satisfaction of instincts was the primary goal, a fear grew around the idea that instincts may not be satisfied.

This was a very selfish way to ilve, and I was in this mode drunk or sober. It was not recipe for a happy contented life. As to your question, I think the selfishness was probably made worse by the alcoholism at the very least, and it was certainly a barrier to recovery.
Hard to get rid of though.

It was a barrier because living selfishly made me unhappy, even miserable, and if that is what sobriety is like, you can keep it.

So fpr me selfishness is a central problem and had to be dealt with one way or another. Some say destruction of self centredness is the prices of a worthwhile recovery. I would agree.

Delilah1

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

As for the presentation, that was a very smart call. You should look into some mindfulness activities. I was always guilty of worrying about saying no, or what others would think and have found it helpful to stay focused in the moment.

Dee74

I'm sorry too Pinnacle. Its probably normal to beat yourself up but the fact is a lot of us, alcoholics or not, drift away from old friends throughout our lives.

hope you feel better soon

D