Breakups in early sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 316
Breakups in early sobriety
Has anyone been through this? It feels my sobriety has helped me regain some self worth and I no longer feel like I’m with the right person. They don’t add anything to my life and my desire to not make them upset and be “dutiful”. Is hindering my growth both personally and professionally.
I feel like I’ve stayed so long in this because I just didn’t want to be lonely. But now I like myself and I deserve to feel loved/adequate and if I don’t get that I’d rather just be alone.
To my point/question: Has anyone felt sobriety lifted a veil in their relationship that maybe booze was helping keep down? Is it wise to just wait a year before making a decision? I am already finding myself starting to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions.
I feel like I’ve stayed so long in this because I just didn’t want to be lonely. But now I like myself and I deserve to feel loved/adequate and if I don’t get that I’d rather just be alone.
To my point/question: Has anyone felt sobriety lifted a veil in their relationship that maybe booze was helping keep down? Is it wise to just wait a year before making a decision? I am already finding myself starting to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Mine had been on/off for a couple years,but once I got sober I saw it for what it was "delusion of comfort". My ex was also hindering me professionally.. I'm about a yr post breakup(minus 1 or 2 nights) and I'm at peace with it all and glad to be single. My advice; think about it for a bit and 100% decide what you want and stick to that decision. Breakups suck for all involed and there can be a lot of back/fourth which,IMO, is not healthy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I left my x-wife in early recovery. In fact, I dumped her from the phone in the psych ward TV room. I had maybe a week or two sober and clean. It was the best decision of my life.
All that said, I had major problems in the marriage that had been going on for years. It was impossible for me to stay with her longer.
All that said, I had major problems in the marriage that had been going on for years. It was impossible for me to stay with her longer.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Is it wise to wait for a year before deciding is a bt like is it wise to wait a year before taking the steps. Both questions mean the same thing, is it wise to stay in misery and suffering for a year before stepping into the light?
No one can tell you what to do in this situation. My advice is to pray about it and see what comes. I might advise also looking deeply at this in step four if you are doing that. It can be a big help in determining of your motives are right.
If you are not recovering through the steps, then perhaps you could assess what you want to do against four standards.
Is it selfless?
Is it loving?
Is it honest?
Is it pure? (integrity)
If you can say yes to all four, you would be on pretty safe ground in your decision.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation. My advice is to pray about it and see what comes. I might advise also looking deeply at this in step four if you are doing that. It can be a big help in determining of your motives are right.
If you are not recovering through the steps, then perhaps you could assess what you want to do against four standards.
Is it selfless?
Is it loving?
Is it honest?
Is it pure? (integrity)
If you can say yes to all four, you would be on pretty safe ground in your decision.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 135
Sometimes people say don't rush into making big life-changing decisions early in recovery. I am assuming that would not include staying in a relationship that is actually abusive.
I think good relationships are mutually supportive, and are not measured by what we think we can get from the other person (else all relationships would fail in times of illness or old age, when the other perhaps has little to give).
Only you can know, but I would encourage you not to be too hasty if there has been a relationship of genuine love in the past. It may just need some time to readjust.
I think good relationships are mutually supportive, and are not measured by what we think we can get from the other person (else all relationships would fail in times of illness or old age, when the other perhaps has little to give).
Only you can know, but I would encourage you not to be too hasty if there has been a relationship of genuine love in the past. It may just need some time to readjust.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Have you figured out what exactly it is, that you experct from your spouse in realistic terms of her own personality?
Then, in early sobriety - that is in my terms up to one year, now being at 6 month - there is so much i had and have to work on myself, no matter who is with me or around me, as long as she / he dosn't actively sabotage my efforts.
Examples are Bodyshape, Thinking abilities and training of those, meditating, waiting until emotional strength kicks in after being emotionally off guard in eraly sobriety, knowledge in my area of job expertise, etc.
What really annoyed me, was, that I was perceived from my spouse with the same deficits that showed, when I have been drinking. In other words, his/her perception of you may hinder you to make a shift in your self perception as a clean person.
I just focused on myself and worked day by day, learned to grow despite frustrations, unfair perception of others, emotional discomfort and fight in my relationship, because I figured, I needed that skill anyway. And then see how it turns out long term.
I just think, once you have reached a real new sober "you" and gained strength back, you need to address, what you expect from her / him.
Then, in early sobriety - that is in my terms up to one year, now being at 6 month - there is so much i had and have to work on myself, no matter who is with me or around me, as long as she / he dosn't actively sabotage my efforts.
Examples are Bodyshape, Thinking abilities and training of those, meditating, waiting until emotional strength kicks in after being emotionally off guard in eraly sobriety, knowledge in my area of job expertise, etc.
What really annoyed me, was, that I was perceived from my spouse with the same deficits that showed, when I have been drinking. In other words, his/her perception of you may hinder you to make a shift in your self perception as a clean person.
I just focused on myself and worked day by day, learned to grow despite frustrations, unfair perception of others, emotional discomfort and fight in my relationship, because I figured, I needed that skill anyway. And then see how it turns out long term.
I just think, once you have reached a real new sober "you" and gained strength back, you need to address, what you expect from her / him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by kamm 
They don’t add anything to my life and my desire to not make them upset and be “dutiful”. Is hindering my growth both personally and professionally.
I feel like I’ve stayed so long in this because I just didn’t want to be lonely. But now I like myself and I deserve to feel loved/adequate and if I don’t get that I’d rather just be alone.
I feel like I’ve stayed so long in this because I just didn’t want to be lonely. But now I like myself and I deserve to feel loved/adequate and if I don’t get that I’d rather just be alone.
If you are with someone and part of your concern is not upset them and be dutiful, then that is no place to be.
Well done getting your life back on track.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
Hi I to feel just exactly like you
You've worded it very well
Now I'm sober (Almost 9 months)
I feel my marriage has sadly come to an end ..My husband dosnt want to hear that it's over ..I sleep with my 10 year old daughter and have been doing for almost 4 months ...I know the person I was when I was drinking was an insecure weak dependant woman ..now I'm sober I can't believe I was that same person I'm a lot stronger in mind an body and I'm frustrated in my marriage ...I no longer love my husband which probably sounds selfish
But for the first time in 49 years I'm thinking of ME ...
It's very hard
Hugs
Cara x
You've worded it very well
Now I'm sober (Almost 9 months)
I feel my marriage has sadly come to an end ..My husband dosnt want to hear that it's over ..I sleep with my 10 year old daughter and have been doing for almost 4 months ...I know the person I was when I was drinking was an insecure weak dependant woman ..now I'm sober I can't believe I was that same person I'm a lot stronger in mind an body and I'm frustrated in my marriage ...I no longer love my husband which probably sounds selfish
But for the first time in 49 years I'm thinking of ME ...
It's very hard
Hugs
Cara x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
I gave myself 2 years to see where I am with things.
Tried to break up after Xmas but failed.
It’s hard to get my head round it all.
Things do gradually get better as we both adjust to my new personality.
My drinking made us both live lives we didn’t want to lead.
When you start a fresh there’s bound to be a few hiccups
I did have the thought of if I met her now I would not be attracted to her in anyway. Harsh I know.
We have pretty much nothing in common.
The only person keeping us together is our 3year old daughter.
Not sure how healthy that is.
Glad you did this post.
Thanks
Tried to break up after Xmas but failed.
It’s hard to get my head round it all.
Things do gradually get better as we both adjust to my new personality.
My drinking made us both live lives we didn’t want to lead.
When you start a fresh there’s bound to be a few hiccups
I did have the thought of if I met her now I would not be attracted to her in anyway. Harsh I know.
We have pretty much nothing in common.
The only person keeping us together is our 3year old daughter.
Not sure how healthy that is.
Glad you did this post.
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I do know that I saw things very differently as I began recovery. I also remember that my feelings continued to change and shift as I continued my recovery journey. I think you should do what you feel is right for you. And, it sounds like you know what that is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 316
Thank you for sharing this! It is a reminder that I can continue to grow with or without this person. I have SO MUCH that I can work on to be a better person, stronger emotionally and physically, and example for my daughter.
Originally Posted by ThomPom
Have you figured out what exactly it is, that you experct from your spouse in realistic terms of her own personality?
Then, in early sobriety - that is in my terms up to one year, now being at 6 month - there is so much i had and have to work on myself, no matter who is with me or around me, as long as she / he dosn't actively sabotage my efforts.
Examples are Bodyshape, Thinking abilities and training of those, meditating, waiting until emotional strength kicks in after being emotionally off guard in eraly sobriety, knowledge in my area of job expertise, etc.
What really annoyed me, was, that I was perceived from my spouse with the same deficits that showed, when I have been drinking. In other words, his/her perception of you may hinder you to make a shift in your self perception as a clean person.
I just focused on myself and worked day by day, learned to grow despite frustrations, unfair perception of others, emotional discomfort and fight in my relationship, because I figured, I needed that skill anyway. And then see how it turns out long term.
I just think, once you have reached a real new sober "you" and gained strength back, you need to address, what you expect from her / him.
Then, in early sobriety - that is in my terms up to one year, now being at 6 month - there is so much i had and have to work on myself, no matter who is with me or around me, as long as she / he dosn't actively sabotage my efforts.
Examples are Bodyshape, Thinking abilities and training of those, meditating, waiting until emotional strength kicks in after being emotionally off guard in eraly sobriety, knowledge in my area of job expertise, etc.
What really annoyed me, was, that I was perceived from my spouse with the same deficits that showed, when I have been drinking. In other words, his/her perception of you may hinder you to make a shift in your self perception as a clean person.
I just focused on myself and worked day by day, learned to grow despite frustrations, unfair perception of others, emotional discomfort and fight in my relationship, because I figured, I needed that skill anyway. And then see how it turns out long term.
I just think, once you have reached a real new sober "you" and gained strength back, you need to address, what you expect from her / him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I’m right there with you. I’m just over 100 days and things have gone from bad to worse in my marriage. I’m trying not to make rash decisions, as we have two kids and my elderly father living with us. I don’t know what the future holds for us but it sure doesn’t look good.
I’m trying to focus on myself and my recovery through this. In the past, I have chosen to drink AT him but I refuse to let that be a choice while in the midst of all of this.
I don’t have any advice or wisdom to share, only support.
I’m trying to focus on myself and my recovery through this. In the past, I have chosen to drink AT him but I refuse to let that be a choice while in the midst of all of this.
I don’t have any advice or wisdom to share, only support.
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