6 months later
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
6 months later
My ex boyfriend got on the transplant list last week. I’m truly happy for him as he is very sick and will die without a transplant.
I let him move in with me as he needed access to a proper kitchen to cook his low sodium meals. He was renting a room for $750 in a house with no access to a kitchen.
I charge him $500. Private room, bath and living area and shared kitchen with me. I don’t want to make a profit off of him but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of. I buy and cook most meals for him and don’t charge him any extra for that. He pays zero utilities. I have a housekeeper clean the house that I pay for, Lawn service, hoa etc. I don’t have a mortgage but house would rent for over $3000 per month if I rented it.
Tonight he told me he feels I am taking advantage of him and plans to move out. Seems that now that he’s been approved for transplant everyone is willing to help him. Where were they when we didn’t know? I’ve literally put my life on hold to help him. I mean how can you date when your ex boyfriend lives at your house? I’m at the hospital every time he gets checked in to drain fluid, transfusions, you name it.
His kids are coming to town this weekend to surprise him and I’m not charging for them to stay.
I guess I’m just frustrated that he thinks I’ve been taking advantage of him and has no clue the anxiety and pain I’ve been through for the last several months watching him get so close to death. We were dating when he was diagnosed and I didn’t break up with him because he was sick, I broke up with him because he would not stop drinking.
I think he’s really more frustrated that I am treating him as a roommate instead of my boyfriend. I’ve had to draw a hard line to protect my heart and sanity. I’m afraid every day he’s going to go back to drinking and die.
Advice? Thanks!
I let him move in with me as he needed access to a proper kitchen to cook his low sodium meals. He was renting a room for $750 in a house with no access to a kitchen.
I charge him $500. Private room, bath and living area and shared kitchen with me. I don’t want to make a profit off of him but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of. I buy and cook most meals for him and don’t charge him any extra for that. He pays zero utilities. I have a housekeeper clean the house that I pay for, Lawn service, hoa etc. I don’t have a mortgage but house would rent for over $3000 per month if I rented it.
Tonight he told me he feels I am taking advantage of him and plans to move out. Seems that now that he’s been approved for transplant everyone is willing to help him. Where were they when we didn’t know? I’ve literally put my life on hold to help him. I mean how can you date when your ex boyfriend lives at your house? I’m at the hospital every time he gets checked in to drain fluid, transfusions, you name it.
His kids are coming to town this weekend to surprise him and I’m not charging for them to stay.
I guess I’m just frustrated that he thinks I’ve been taking advantage of him and has no clue the anxiety and pain I’ve been through for the last several months watching him get so close to death. We were dating when he was diagnosed and I didn’t break up with him because he was sick, I broke up with him because he would not stop drinking.
I think he’s really more frustrated that I am treating him as a roommate instead of my boyfriend. I’ve had to draw a hard line to protect my heart and sanity. I’m afraid every day he’s going to go back to drinking and die.
Advice? Thanks!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
He thinks you are taking advantage of him?? What nerve!
I agree with Dee...just let the guy go. He obviously doesn't appreciate all you have been doing for him and for being there for him when no one else would. He doesn't deserve your kindness. I'd ask him his planned move out date, and then hold him to that. No one needs a selfish freeloader around.
I agree with Dee...just let the guy go. He obviously doesn't appreciate all you have been doing for him and for being there for him when no one else would. He doesn't deserve your kindness. I'd ask him his planned move out date, and then hold him to that. No one needs a selfish freeloader around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Guilt
I feel too guilty trying to move on when he is so sick. I love him but I lost respect for him a long time ago. When he was drinking the lies were out of control. Now that he’s been sober he thinks I should just forget the past and I can’t. I worry that if I move on he’ll go back to drinking.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
If he decides to go back to drinking, he'll do it whether you are together or not. Nothing you say or do will cause him to start drinking again. He's an adult, not a child. If he wants to drink, he'll drink.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. To be honest, he doesn't sound like a very nice person.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. To be honest, he doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Is this what codependent looks like?
Deep down I know I should move forward and not look back but it’s hard thinking of all the hell be put me through and everything I’ve done for him. If it weren’t for me he would have died 6 months ago. I guess I kept hoping for a real apology which I suppose I’ll never get and now to add fuel to the fire he feels I’ve taken advantage of him... wow!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I agree with suki - if your ex drinks again that's his decision, nothing to do with you.
I get that you feel for the guy, I get that you feel guilty and I get that you've done a lot and it would be nice to have been shown some gratitude - but if he wants to move on, you should let him...
let him make his own bed, and you take back your life
and yeah I think you'd find Codependent No More by Melody Beattie a real eye opener....I did
D
I get that you feel for the guy, I get that you feel guilty and I get that you've done a lot and it would be nice to have been shown some gratitude - but if he wants to move on, you should let him...
let him make his own bed, and you take back your life
and yeah I think you'd find Codependent No More by Melody Beattie a real eye opener....I did
D
Chalk it up as a learning experience and let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Iamsoblind46 
I feel too guilty trying to move on when he is so sick. I love him but I lost respect for him a long time ago. When he was drinking the lies were out of control. Now that he’s been sober he thinks I should just forget the past and I can’t. I worry that if I move on he’ll go back to drinking.
He's the one moving, he is the one moving on. You took care of him, he is sober and on the transplant list: mission accomplished. Whatever choices he makes are his alone, as are the consequences. You cannot save someone from themselves - that is a rabbit hole to insanity if ever there was one.
Wish him well, and spend some time working on your needs for a change. I think Dee's suggestion of Codependent No More is a great idea. Take care of yourself, and stay in touch through SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
