Guyfromthenorth

Hi,

It has been over a year since I last posted here. The year has been like a roller coaster ride. Had many sober periods, followed by many drinking episodes.

Usually around 2 week mark of sobriety I start to feel "so good", no more shakes, good appetite, energetic, feeiling physically strong, mentally sharp, crawings starting to fade etc. And I still convince my self to drink some time after that...not remembering how bad it actually feels and how good it is to be away from that...remembering only "the good" stuff.
Yea sure "only tonight, my friend is having this party, ill drink this time, and stay sober after that, no big deal"...that is a giant lie I keep telling to my self.
Day after drinking I get the same crawings for a drink as I had on my previous day 1. All my work has been reset. Not gonna lie...I have been drunk 4 nights in a row this week. Im still kinda drunk and sluggish from yesterdays BBQ party at my friends yard.
Went there with the intention to cook some nice steak and have a great time. Needless to say, It wasnt just cooking..
Started school again...some major triggerings are going on because the first time my drinking started to get out of hands were when I was in collage the first time, around when I was 20-23...Im only 26 by the way...
Every time after lecutre my brain tells me to have a drink "you deserve it, it has been a long day"....but actually I deserve soberness, I deserve to live a normal life. But alcohol is what is hindering that.
I keep forgetting that and only remember when im back in the vicious cycle of drinking every damn day....How can I make my self to remember?

ScottFromWI

Welcome back guyfromthennotrh. There’s lots of good ways you can keep sobriety on your mind.. Some people join a recovery group and attend meetings on a regular basis. Others use a site like SR and post/read daily.. Some see a counselor or therapist. Bottom line though, you have to make a plan and make sobriety a priority in your life. There’s lots of help and support here to help you do just that too.

Guyfromthenorth

How does one construct that kind of plan?

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Guyfromthenorth

I found posting here daily helped me accept my problem - I say accept because I never really forgot what happens to me when I drink but I was able to put myself into a state of willing disbelief time and time again and convince myself/hope that this drink might be different.

If we;re honest tho, I think everyone gets to a point where they *know* thats not true - the same things that happened last binge will happen again or worse - and joining a community like this and posting regularly helps cement that I think.

I hope you'll stick around.

You can make the decision today or in 10 years time...but the decision really needs to be made....yeah?

doggonecarl

If you can convince yourself to drink, then were you every really committed to sobriety? For good? Or have you clung to the idea that you can drink normally? The great pipe dream of every alcoholic.

I wanted to drink...just without the consequences of my drinking. Seeing how that's impossible, I just don't drink. It's easier.

ScottFromWI

Just like you plan for anything in life. Set a goal and make an outline or a list of steps you need to get there. If your goal is to build a house, you need to have a blueprint, materials, tools, and the skills to do it.

If your goal is to quit drinking and get sober, you first have to start with the blueprint or foundation right? The foundation of sobriety is unconditional acceptance that you cannot drink any amount of alcohol, ever. How you go about achieving that is really up to you - some proclaim it publicly via their support group. Others make it personal via a self paced method like AVRT or others. Some work with an addiction therapist. Others that are having a really hard time quitting might even check into an inpatient rehab.

The bottom line though is that it's all based on choices you make and actions you take. There is no magic pill or procedure that will simply cure your addiction - you need to do the work. And it will likely require you to do some things along the way that you don't want to do - but like anything good in life worth having, it's not "easy" to get.

August252015

Glad you are back. I am bad at posting links but there is a great thread here on making plans, from Dee. You can also look under Newcomers Daily Support Threads for the Class of Sep 2018, where other people quitting or deciding to the same time as you are involved with SR.

I am an AA person and that's one way to start a plan. Lots of other info on here under programs from AA and 12 Step to Secular Recovery...people on SR can also tell you about SMART and AVRT....

The bottom line is what Scott and Dee and others said.

You have to decide to quit. You've shared how alcohol is damaging your life. An option could be to decide to quit for a set period of time, like 90 days. I strongly encourage finding support and not just "trying not to drink" becausemost of us with a problem find that hard and lonely.

Giving yourself a chance to see if not drinking is better sounds like a good idea. If you are an alcoholic like us, I can promise you it does not get better. Learning about alcoholism is a great place to start- you are young and hopefully have many years ahead of you, and only you can decide how to spend them.

Hope you stick around here!

Hawking22

I appreciate your post. Mainly because I catch my AV telling myself so many things: "just tonight and then I'll get back on the wagon", "just one drink/one bottle"...etc and I need that reminder that it activates everything all over again. I don't know how to turn that voice off, so I just make it my mission to absolutely abstain, even if I have to white knuckle it minute by minute (which, as more sober time passes, happens less and less thankfully). I just think of it as a little devil on my shoulder. Of course it sounds pleasant at times, but knowing that little devil absolutely does not have my best interest in mind helps me remember to abstain. Going to meetings when the voice is hard to quiet is extremely helpful too.

I watched a video on Youtube of this gentleman Bernie who breaks down each step and I love his explanation of powerlessness "Powerlessness doesn't mean we can't drink on a Friday night and still accomplish everything we need to do Saturday and still be who we are. It means you can't predict that this won't be THE Friday night that you lose it all to this disease. If you keep getting into the ring with Mike Tyson and getting knocked out, eventually you'll realize its best not to step into the ring"

Zebra1275

How can I convince finally convince my self that I cant have just 1?

You could log on here everyday to remind yourself.

You've been a member here for about 20 months and you have 20 posts.

Logging on to a sobriety website once a month is not going to help at all.

tekink

I couldn't do things like go to parties for a while. Taking the drinking occasions out of the picture made it easier to not be tempted.

Dee74

Hows it going guyfromthenorth?

D

Gottalife

I convinced my self by repeatedly trying and failing, and finally following an AA experiment in the light of the knowledge I had garnered about alcholism.

I set out to have a couple of beers and be home by 6.00 pm. I got home at 6.00, jusy four days later. From that point on I knew I could never have just one.

The next problem was the memory issue. I have come to know it as the obsession of the mind. It seems to be based in a distant memory of when drinking was actually enjoyable. To counter that I needed the logical thoughts based in the actual consequences. But they never came to mind. I could only ever see one side of the argument. That's not the case for everyone here. Many folks share about battling cravings and often winning, but for some strange reason I was never aware enough when it would count. There was usually no fight at all.

That was why I worked the steps of AA. I haven't had any kind of craving, conscious or unconsciuos for many years. I have had plenty of bad experiences in life but instead of the idea of drinking coming up and me battling it (what a crap life that would be) the idea f drinking doesn't come up at all. Instead I have a completely different reaction more along the lines of "what are my responsibilities here, what can I do to help?"

Nonsensical

I changed this thought to that is a giant lie the addicted part of my brain keeps telling the rational part of my brain.

Then I stopped taking advice from the addicted part of my brain. It is a known liar and a thief. My life got a lot better when I stopped acting on the recommendations of a known liar. I highly recommend it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

ReadyAtLast

Hi guyfrom the north.
I totally relate to what you are saying. I feel really committed at first and do 3 4 5 6 weeks sober and feel so much better. Then I think I'll just drink one night then before I know it I'm back to every night.

PhoenixJ

Perhaps too philosophical, but I think it true for me...

it seemed I needed alcohol, but wanted sobriety.

no

I needed sobriety- but still wanted alcohol. They are mutually exclusive- the balance HAS to move towards sobriety.

People like me had to find this out by losing everything- as well as being clinically dead 3 times.
BUT- I did not know of resources like SR- an avoided going to meetings, believing I had the strength to do it alone.

No.

You can learn from here and not have to risk losing everything, including your life.

Support to you.

D122y

Guy,

For me...quitting at 27 was not really possible.

We didn't have the internet to give me the knowledge of what I was battling.

When I was 50, I tried to quit again because i could feel my body and mind really going over the edge. I could feel insanity creeping in and my internal organs not working properly enough. This is another story that I blogged about. Anyway...

So I learned what I was dealing with and started to try to get well.

The only way I found to get booze free...is to suffer.

At 2 weeks, I didn't really feel better...I was craving like a fiend. I was craving like a crack head.

My av tried to convince me over and over...all the things you mentioned. I stayed clean. The suffering got worse and worse.

It continued for months. The crave was incessant. Especially, at certain times..e.g. Friday night, holiday weekends... superbowl...4th of july...

I suffered. I ate sweets to trick the brain. I worked out hard. Working out gives me adrenaline which is a natural high.

Booze altered my natural high ability. It takes a long time to return.

That is why folks get depressed when they quit.

I learned all this from sr and the internet.

Knowing is half the battle. The rest has been intent and suffering. I didn't want to become a failure statistic. Still still don't. Folks regret relapse after years sober. The crave is for life.

Some folks do AA and say, if done correctly, they don't crave. Others do AA and still crave.

What ever it takes to not drink again.

I use sr to hold myself accountable. I have sober role models.

Thanks.

Aardvajk

I tend to remind myself that if I was able to just have one, or a managed amount, I would have done that every time in the past as well. There is nothing different today from the day I last relapsed. If I could drink in a controlled manner today, I would have done so then too.

I never did, so I have no reason to actually believe the alcoholic voice that is telling me I could today.

That is far easier said than done though. Those of us with my type of this illness have to double-check almost every thought that runs through our head.

Buckley3

This might sound harsh - but it's not intended that way. Frankly, I'm thinking of my own condition in the days leading up to my own realization...

Just take a look at what's right in front of you... all around you. The state of your life. The wreckage. The constant cycle of hangovers. The walls we put up so that others don't know the truth. The walls we put up so we keep the truth from ourselves.

It's usually rather obvious. Denial is an insidious thing. Start thinking on denial. Start looking around you. Because what it's going to come down to is yes finally accepting you can't have just one, but also finally accepting that it's causing your life to be unmanageable.

While I don't follow or adhere to AA in strictly, step 1 from AA is something I very much believe in:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Understanding why isn't important at all. Understanding this and accepting it is essential.

Do this, and finally let go. You won't regret it. I promise.

-B

MidnightBlue

You don't have to convince yourself.

Because convincing means negotiating with that weird part of the brain which gets you in trouble. Once you start negotiating you will lose.

Take it as a non-negotiable fact. You can't argue with it like you can't argue with gravity.

Just take it and move on. Otherwise 98% or more of your energy will be wasted trying to come up with a legit excuse to have "just one" drink.

Chung

Thank you for posting this as a reminder to myself. I am coming up on two weeks as well and I am feeling better as well BUT I know from past experience, I thought I could drink normally/and or control/moderate my drinking when certain social occasions arose after months of sobriety (I couldn't accept that I was absolutely an alcoholic) I was WRONG!!! It took me several years of progressive drinking and just doing things that wreaked havoc on my life all around to make me realize that I cannot pick up again. This disease is cunning and baffling. Whenever i think just maybe I could drink like other normal people, I hop on SR and re-read all the posts that remind me what happens if I pick up (It is like playing Russian roulette) I am also planning joining a recovery group either on-line or in person. I need to be held accountable and need support as well. I figure the more tools I have the better. It is great that you posted your thoughts and being honest rather than just picking up.