Screwed up again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 151
Screwed up again
Went on yet another bender. I really have a problem with holiday weekends...the 4th of July weekend was a disaster, and now Labor Day. I knew this had the potential to be really bad, and I did nothing to help myself. Had the ‘best friend’s’ birthday celebration Friday night, and the start of college football Saturday. Both of which are huge, HUGE drinking events in my world. And i wasn’t prepared for them...my own fault. On Friday, I was basically up all night. Hooked up with a friend of the best friend...same dude who thinks it’s so funny and never fails to bring up my downing an entire bottle of wine on 4th of July. I kinda like the guy, but he’s a huge partier and obviously horrible news for me. And everything that could’ve gone badly in the entire situation, went absolutely horribly. Crashed on the best friend’s couch for a couple hours, then Ubered home at like 8am. Worst walk of shame ever. Slept a little more, then went out for football. Rinse and repeat the drinking. And again alllll weekend, just to try to erase the idiocy.
These vicious cycles are killing me...literally and figuratively. Maybe I just can’t go out, or do anything, or see anyone for awhile until I get this under control. I hate that. I actually hate that my entire lifestyle and everyone I share it with, all revolves around drinking ungodly amounts of alcohol. But at the same time, i spent Saturday watching football with one of my longest friends from college, and my family. It was a fantastic night that I wouldn’t trade for anything ...i just wish we didn’t have to do it at bars. Basically what I’m saying is, I need to figure out how to have these fantastic nights elsewhere. I know that. I have no problem whatsoever not drinking at home by myself. It’s the party situations I can’t seem to get past. I know the alternative is not going to the party situations in the first place, but I can’t stand the idea of not spending those times with my people and my family.
To top it off, an old friend from back in the day passed away in a freak single car accident last week. At our age, what happened to him really hit home for me how short life is. He, too, was a big partier (as is everyone in my life, it seems) but his accident had absolutely nothing to do with drinking. But it still hit me very hard. I haven’t drank AT that...thankfully. But it’s been another thing just totally weighing on my mind.
I’m so tired of coming back here with these shameful posts after doing relatively well. I just got a pretty substantial raise at work, that will (sort of) cover the cost of health insurance, so come open enrollment I’m going to get something so that I can have more options available to me to help me really quit this nonsense, since it obviously isn’t working long term.
Thank you for reading. Going to bed to start over yet again.
These vicious cycles are killing me...literally and figuratively. Maybe I just can’t go out, or do anything, or see anyone for awhile until I get this under control. I hate that. I actually hate that my entire lifestyle and everyone I share it with, all revolves around drinking ungodly amounts of alcohol. But at the same time, i spent Saturday watching football with one of my longest friends from college, and my family. It was a fantastic night that I wouldn’t trade for anything ...i just wish we didn’t have to do it at bars. Basically what I’m saying is, I need to figure out how to have these fantastic nights elsewhere. I know that. I have no problem whatsoever not drinking at home by myself. It’s the party situations I can’t seem to get past. I know the alternative is not going to the party situations in the first place, but I can’t stand the idea of not spending those times with my people and my family.
To top it off, an old friend from back in the day passed away in a freak single car accident last week. At our age, what happened to him really hit home for me how short life is. He, too, was a big partier (as is everyone in my life, it seems) but his accident had absolutely nothing to do with drinking. But it still hit me very hard. I haven’t drank AT that...thankfully. But it’s been another thing just totally weighing on my mind.
I’m so tired of coming back here with these shameful posts after doing relatively well. I just got a pretty substantial raise at work, that will (sort of) cover the cost of health insurance, so come open enrollment I’m going to get something so that I can have more options available to me to help me really quit this nonsense, since it obviously isn’t working long term.
Thank you for reading. Going to bed to start over yet again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
Rayna, sorry to hear about the bender. If you want to quit drinking you’re going to have to put sobriety first. For me that definitely would have meant not going to bars or football games for quite a while. That would have seemed like a big sacrifice to me in my early 20’s. Trust me it will be worth it in the long run. Also, it may seem like everyone is partying but a guarantee you there are a bunch of people your age (or any age) who aren’t.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I had to take 2-3 months off from being social unless it was work related or an emergency. I'd go days not even answering my phone if it wasn't something important. During this time I learned about myself and how the 'life' I had created while drinking/partying was not very 'real'. A lot of my friends were nothing more than drinking buddies/leeches,even my exAgf and that's cool if someone is living that lifestyle,but I wanted out. My circle now is small and managable. I go out to bars to watch a game or listen to a band,but it's rare. My bank account and credit score increased dramatically by not making stupid drunken decisions or saying "ehh..F'it" and now handling my life like a responsible adult should. I've earned back the respect and trust to those close to me. The loss of respect/trust was a HUGE reason/excuse I continued to just drink and forget,rinse-repeat. Twas a nightmare! Hell..the last time I decided to drink, I went all out and did the 'walk of shame' myself. The guys that had to tell me what I did thought I'd be proud...I felt like dirt. More to life than booze/drugs,women and being around 'people' I don't even really know on a personal level and I'm glad to be 19mo(minus the 1 night) away from the maddness.
If you want to be sober, you'll suck it up and work at your sobriety like it's all that matters.
If you want to be sober, you'll suck it up and work at your sobriety like it's all that matters.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Rayna, on the one hand I am sorry to hear about this as such things are dangerous and we can never know if this might be the one we don't come back from. On the otherhand it might be good news.
My last bender certainly was. It was almost like a no trigger event. I had been sober three weeks and had somewhere to live so things were looking up. I decided to test the phenomenon of craving idea. This was something all alcholics have, and if I could prove I didn't have it, obviously I wasn't alcoholic and could therefore drink safely. This idea didn't mesh too well with my experience of the obsession of the mind, but then I wasn't exactly sane at the time.
I set out to have two beers and be home by six. There was nothing social about it, no external driving forces to party as I had long since lost all my friends. However I did get home at six, just four days later. It was the final piece of the puzzle. It finally penetrated my consciousness that I was dying of this illness, and I was running out of time. 7 (70%) of my rehab contemporaries were already dead by this time.
I saw the progression, I realised the hopelessness of my situation, and I took this desperation to an AA meeting on my first day dry after the bender, and got busy with their suggestions. It proved to be the answer.
There was something wrong with me, which I had been unable to fix despite the most desperate desire to do so. For far too long I thought I could manage it, could avoid the work of recovery, but the truth was everything was falling apart around me.
That last bender was just the thing to remove the blinkers and enable me to finally see the truth. I gotta tell you I acted on it quickly, hardly wasted a second, because I knew by then that soon the obsession would be back and the first thing it would to would be to refit the blinkers.
My last bender certainly was. It was almost like a no trigger event. I had been sober three weeks and had somewhere to live so things were looking up. I decided to test the phenomenon of craving idea. This was something all alcholics have, and if I could prove I didn't have it, obviously I wasn't alcoholic and could therefore drink safely. This idea didn't mesh too well with my experience of the obsession of the mind, but then I wasn't exactly sane at the time.
I set out to have two beers and be home by six. There was nothing social about it, no external driving forces to party as I had long since lost all my friends. However I did get home at six, just four days later. It was the final piece of the puzzle. It finally penetrated my consciousness that I was dying of this illness, and I was running out of time. 7 (70%) of my rehab contemporaries were already dead by this time.
I saw the progression, I realised the hopelessness of my situation, and I took this desperation to an AA meeting on my first day dry after the bender, and got busy with their suggestions. It proved to be the answer.
There was something wrong with me, which I had been unable to fix despite the most desperate desire to do so. For far too long I thought I could manage it, could avoid the work of recovery, but the truth was everything was falling apart around me.
That last bender was just the thing to remove the blinkers and enable me to finally see the truth. I gotta tell you I acted on it quickly, hardly wasted a second, because I knew by then that soon the obsession would be back and the first thing it would to would be to refit the blinkers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
It may be hard now, to imagine living a life without all the fun family and friend gatherings. How can you possibly give that all up?
But you can. You take 2 or 3 or 5 or 9 months, or whatever YOU need to recover, and relearn, and to grow as your own person. And then you begin to reintroduce those fun activities into your life. Some of what you used to think was "fun" will no longer be, but you'll discover new activities and new ways in which to spend time with loved ones.
But continuing to drink will only lead to more unhappiness, longer spells of unhappiness, and eventually...something much darker.
But you can. You take 2 or 3 or 5 or 9 months, or whatever YOU need to recover, and relearn, and to grow as your own person. And then you begin to reintroduce those fun activities into your life. Some of what you used to think was "fun" will no longer be, but you'll discover new activities and new ways in which to spend time with loved ones.
But continuing to drink will only lead to more unhappiness, longer spells of unhappiness, and eventually...something much darker.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Hi Rayna. I am so sorry that you’re in this place today. I remember it and it feels horrible.
It took me two serious years of trying to get the hang of this sobriety thing. I’m still early right now (3 mo soon), but this quit is different based on everything I learned here and all of my failed tests.
I found that I had to stay away from some things in the beginning. When I got desperate enough to view quitting as life or death, it wasn’t even hard to not go to certain things. I missed boozy girls’ trips that I used to love, but still did dinners with my girls. I missed work cocktail mixers, but still did meetings and email catch-ups, etc. Anything called a “wine and...” was a no-go.
But I was still social with those constraints. And I actually didn’t miss those things because I was so glad that I was sober. Eventually, I was able to attend what I wanted to, and have a great time. But it became crystal clear when it was time to leave, and I actually wanted to go. Had a great time, laughed with friends and family, alright see ya later, lol.
It will be okay. And you will have fun again.
It took me two serious years of trying to get the hang of this sobriety thing. I’m still early right now (3 mo soon), but this quit is different based on everything I learned here and all of my failed tests.
I found that I had to stay away from some things in the beginning. When I got desperate enough to view quitting as life or death, it wasn’t even hard to not go to certain things. I missed boozy girls’ trips that I used to love, but still did dinners with my girls. I missed work cocktail mixers, but still did meetings and email catch-ups, etc. Anything called a “wine and...” was a no-go.
But I was still social with those constraints. And I actually didn’t miss those things because I was so glad that I was sober. Eventually, I was able to attend what I wanted to, and have a great time. But it became crystal clear when it was time to leave, and I actually wanted to go. Had a great time, laughed with friends and family, alright see ya later, lol.
It will be okay. And you will have fun again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Some great advice here Rayna.
For a little while I had to stop myself going to those kinds of things. I only went to places where I knew alcohol was not one of the main events.
Eventually, I grew strong with what I call 'sober muscles' and now I can go anywhere and do anything because I want to be sober more than anything else - but it can take a little time to change and get to that point.
I missed a few parties and get togethers sure but that means very little to me ten or eleven years on.
D
For a little while I had to stop myself going to those kinds of things. I only went to places where I knew alcohol was not one of the main events.
Eventually, I grew strong with what I call 'sober muscles' and now I can go anywhere and do anything because I want to be sober more than anything else - but it can take a little time to change and get to that point.
I missed a few parties and get togethers sure but that means very little to me ten or eleven years on.
D
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