CAC1013

Hi all,
I haven’t posted for awhile.
I’m really struggling with the shame, self loathing, warped sense of self bubbling up. I’ve been lashing out at people I know and also strangers.
It would be helpful to hear input on the following questions.
1. Did you experience these feelings and about how long into recovery did they start to lift?
2. How did you tolerate these feelings. I am heading to meetings again but I’d love to know if there was anything that played a central role in healing for you. One of the fears and yes, I know, misconceptions I struggle with about AA meetings is a fear that I’ll just be reliving and rehashing over and over what a jerk I’ve been.
3. Did you eventually come to realize that these feelings were a part of the cycle and the alcoholic brain and not necessarily your true nature? One of biggest fears is that I’ll discover I’m just an angry, rageful sad person... born this way. It’s confusing because I started excessively drinking years ago as a coping measure regarding my poor self image.
4. Was there anything in your recovery that has positively surprised you?

Thanks so much. Wishing all a peaceful day.

biminiblue

I was kind of raised to believe that I was less than, so it was pretty ingrained in me. Nothing I ever felt or did was right or good enough or just okay in my mother's eyes. Down to every emotion I had - she felt a need to correct.

There was no way I was doing the Steps with a female sponsor.

I think the thing that helped me the most was reading self-help books and the Bible - and listening to a preacher I found who seems to have been given the gift of spiritual healing and is able to articulate it. I had a friend years ago who was a good listener and counselor and she was able to help me a lot too.

It's a process, CAC. It does take a lot of introspection and self-love. I actually look into my eyes in the mirror and say, "I love you," on a pretty regular basis. For those of us with this problem I think it's a great exercise and it works.

With that said, I don't know how long sober you are, but the early days are a minefield of spinning racing thoughts, over reaction, and just plain too many hours in the day to think. It does settle down naturally.

Nonsensical

1. Yes. They started to lift when I started the work necessary to lift them.

2. By distracting myself with other things I enjoy doing.

3. In a way. The thought that I might always feel that way sober made being sober less appealing.

4. There's quite a lot of things that have positively surprised me. Learning how to feel my feelings without overreacting was a pretty big one.

Congrats on your sober time! Keep it going!

Tonymblue

Those feelings are normal. Made it hard to function. Give it some time. Those feelings will fade.

MantaLady

Hi Cac, I think Nonsensical hit the nail on the head. Once I started doing the real work to address my low self esteem things started to get better. I use various CBT tools to challenge my core beliefs which has and continues on a daily basis help me dispute some of my distorted thinking. Like you my low self esteem was around way before I had a problem with alcohol, alcohol was the solution.

Once I had removed the perceived solution of alcohol the problem was still there. My choices were to return to drinking to self medicate against these thoughts and inevitably cause more problems, live a life of alcohol free suffering being a sober prisoner to my negative thinking or deal with the problem and re-train my brain and learn to cope in a more healthy way. Obviously I am on the later path.

AA isn’t and shouldn’t be about beating your self up and re-living all the bad things you/we’ve done if you follow the steps correctly. Yes there is an element of facing up to bad behaviour and any hurt and pain we’ve caused but you make amends, understand what you need to do better and more importantly how and you move on both spiritually and emotionally. Regular contact with a recovery community is also a real help, wether is be AA, Smart Recovery Meetings or SR I find this vital for me. Often as I browse SR I see posts where I can clearly see someone putting themselves down or exhibiting low self esteem, at times I can post and hopefully help which builds your own confidence and worth. And at times I see someone doing exactly the negative thing I am and it often hits me in the face “omg...I am doing the same thing!” which once recognised can be processed and dealt with in a more healthy way.

Helianthus

Hi CAC

Yes l did and they started to fade and become easier to cope with about 2 months in. I really struggled with some genuine shame and some that was more irrational, l really wound myself up with both to the point where l couldn't think about anything else.

The thing that really helped me was seeing them for what they are as soon as they started happening and having a stern word with myself. The more l pushed them away the easier it got, after all, we can't change the past can we?

In my very first post here l think l said that l was terrified that it wasn't the alcohol that was making me an ahole and that l really just was one. Turns out it was the booze and lm a calm, level headed person when lm sober.

Good luck and be kind to yourself, that always helps.

Gerard52

CAC1013 I am very similar and through attending AA found that a great number of alcoholics (if not the majority) have this problem. A core objective of the 12 step programme is designed to address this very issue.

Basically addiction is a very self centred activity it stunts us emotionally causing us to act out in the most awful ways.

apollo986

After about 90 days life begin to emerge again for me. Recovery has not been a straight line by any means, however, the good days are starting to outnumber the not so good days. Be patient with yourself and stay the course. You will get better!

Hawking22

Thank you for posting this, I feel I could've written this myself this morning. You articulated this so well. Thank you to you and SR for making me realize I'm not alone <3

Berrybean

1. Did you experience these feelings and about how long into recovery did they start to lift?
Mine were at their worst at around 6 to 7 months sober and that's when I got desperate enough to get a sponsor and start my step work. There was some relief pretty much straight away (probably from stopping fighting the feelings and just taking the first step towards working on them.

2. How did you tolerate these feelings. I am heading to meetings again but I’d love to know if there was anything that played a central role in healing for you. One of the fears and yes, I know, misconceptions I struggle with about AA meetings is a fear that I’ll just be reliving and rehashing over and over what a jerk I’ve been.
Central to my healing was working on the steps. Sometimes alone, respectively and through prayer & meditation, and reading, and listen ing to recordings of people talking about the step I was on, and sometimes with my sponsor.
There is no need to rehash any of that stuff in any meeting if you don't choose to. It did stop being so painful thinking about that stuff though, once I'd addressed it, learned from it and grown past it. Probably around step 7 to 8 for me.

3. Did you eventually come to realize that these feelings were a part of the cycle and the alcoholic brain and not necessarily your true nature? One of biggest fears is that I’ll discover I’m just an angry, rageful sad person... born this way. It’s confusing because I started excessively drinking years ago as a coping measure regarding my poor self image.

Yes. Angry, rage, sadness - they're all just re-actions, not your personality. We can learn new ways to deal with things instead of being a puppet to feelings and emotions and fears.


4. Was there anything in your recovery that has positively surprised you?
That those promises really do come about. All of them.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

DarklingSong

Me too.

HTown

Just by being born you are worthy of love. Often you can look at early childhood and see where your low self esteem was formed. Abandonment was my beast. Once you realize you family of origin FOO issues, you see more clearly how they shaped you. They affect who you chose as a partner as well as you attempt to recreate those patterns that feel most natural to you. I felt abandoned, I fall for emotionally unavailable partners.
Do one tiny thing every day for yourself. Some act of self love every day. Bubble bath, wear perfume, eat an ice cream bar. One little thing every day to show you love and care about yourself.
I really really love who I am now because I am sober. I really love the person I have grown to be in spite of the sorry way I started out. And isn’t that the point, to become better.

Nonsensical

Probably also worth pointing out that persistent alcohol use alters brain chemistry. I think it took my brain most of a year to get over that. We tend to think our brains are back to normal once the hangover lifts...or maybe when somewhat normal sleep cycles return after a week or 2. We start to feel better and we think we are completely healed.

Looking back I can recall having elevated anxiety levels for 8 or 9 months. While better than it was, my brain was still dragging a tire down the beach.

My point is - take it easy on yourself. Play the long game. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't expect to be chill like Dee and Anna after 3 or 4 months. Don't expect your beginning to look like their middle.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

CAC1013

Thank you so much for sharing your very helpful input. Your words are comforting and give me hope. I will try the self love exercise you offer here.

CAC1013

Thank you!

CAC1013

Thank you so much MantaLady. Your thoughts here helped me frame my thoughts around AA/other groups differently. I’m learning so much that this is about self compassion and patience. And because for so long I have been addicted to instant relief, gratification... making this change of perception and pace feels like climbing a mountain. It is a mountain I definitely want to climb though because finally I understand that climbing the mountain is going to be a better life rather than forever hanging off a cliff.

CAC1013

Nonsensical, very appreciative of your generous input. I absolutely can relate to your comment about brain chemistry and how easy it is to slip into thinking you’re “better” just because you’re not hungover. I’ve definitely been down that road. Your thought about committing to the marathon and not a sprint really helps. What scares me is how I can so quickly switch my mode of thinking and start lying to myself. I didn’t realize until recently how I was in such denial regarding the power that this thinking has over me. I’m really studying my distorted thinking now and sharing in therapy/groups/meetings. Much gratitude, thank you.

CAC1013

Beautiful words, thank you so much. Self love is so hard. You give me hope when you talk about how you were able to find this for yourself. I definitely have an understanding that I’ve lacked self love since my childhood. I have felt “separate” (I know a lot of people in AA bring this up). When I started drinking, the sharp edges of feeling separate softened so much. I finally felt “normal”. Except that as this progressed, we all know the story gets worse but yet we still find ways of justifying the behavior and the chemistry takes over. I’m trying to look at this in a meta way in that this journey through recovery is going to lead to finally accepting that I’m not separate and that I can access this within myself without ingesting something from the external. I understand that ritual and practice every day right now is crucial. My old pattern has been to wait for the crisis and then help myself. Changing patterns of thinking and brain chemistry has to be visited every day, at least for me.

SnazzyDresser

Loosening my old attachments to what I used to think of as my self has been very helpful in a variety of ways. The Buddhists call this the third mark of existence: anatta, or non-self. It's a concept that's kinda hard to describe, and I'm certainly no expert.