If I can make it sober through this...
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Good morning Paige,
thinking of you and wishing you a good day ahead. This little prayer helped me through a lot of tight spots in the early days, though it took a few weeks for me to recite it from memory.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Seems to cover most eventualities.
thinking of you and wishing you a good day ahead. This little prayer helped me through a lot of tight spots in the early days, though it took a few weeks for me to recite it from memory.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Seems to cover most eventualities.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Good morning Paige,
thinking of you and wishing you a good day ahead. This little prayer helped me through a lot of tight spots in the early days, though it took a few weeks for me to recite it from memory.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Seems to cover most eventualities.
thinking of you and wishing you a good day ahead. This little prayer helped me through a lot of tight spots in the early days, though it took a few weeks for me to recite it from memory.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Seems to cover most eventualities.
My daughter got the subpoena yesterday so I found out who he is. I was relieved that I don’t know him or his family. But, of course I found him on Facebook. Of course I would never communicate with him, but somehow felt the need to find out anything about him.
Then I decided this was unhealthy behavior so I stopped. I am finding myself to just feel livid today. But I am sober and will NOT take a drink over this.
I am dealing with my anger through exercise. It does help me.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Paige, you are doing great. I am not a therapist or any kind of an expert in this field, but it seems to me that it would be perfectly reasonable and normal for you to be angry about the situation. I know I would be. What we do with the anger may be the important thing.
On the one hand I could do the alcoholic thing and allow it to grow into a festering resentment which is like turning it inwards, and I know that in the end I would only succeed in destroying myself and all the things important to me.
Or I could react in a sane and normal way. I think for most people anger makes them sit up, take notice, and take action. In this sense it is a good thing. The action I feel I would take would be in fully supporting my daughter and making sure her rights were protected, and to simply be there to help her through in whatever way seems best.
The offender probably should not be too prominenti n your mind at this stage. In my country, after the court process has established guilt, we have have things like victim impact reports, sentencing reports and even restorative justice options, where the victim and their family can express themselves more directly. But that is down stream a bit.
In the meantime, first take care of yourself and your sobriety, then you will be in a position to to the right things for your daughter, which I know you want to do.
On the one hand I could do the alcoholic thing and allow it to grow into a festering resentment which is like turning it inwards, and I know that in the end I would only succeed in destroying myself and all the things important to me.
Or I could react in a sane and normal way. I think for most people anger makes them sit up, take notice, and take action. In this sense it is a good thing. The action I feel I would take would be in fully supporting my daughter and making sure her rights were protected, and to simply be there to help her through in whatever way seems best.
The offender probably should not be too prominenti n your mind at this stage. In my country, after the court process has established guilt, we have have things like victim impact reports, sentencing reports and even restorative justice options, where the victim and their family can express themselves more directly. But that is down stream a bit.
In the meantime, first take care of yourself and your sobriety, then you will be in a position to to the right things for your daughter, which I know you want to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
I understand the temptation. I don’t know if I would be able to resist it. In fact, I know that I wouldn’t.
Do you have support just for you? A therapist or clergy member or anyone that you can talk to without feeling guilty about making it about you? Because a previous poster is right, you get to have feelings about this and you get to work through your own process of healing.
I am so sorry again. But everything will be so much better if you get through this without drinking.
Do you have support just for you? A therapist or clergy member or anyone that you can talk to without feeling guilty about making it about you? Because a previous poster is right, you get to have feelings about this and you get to work through your own process of healing.
I am so sorry again. But everything will be so much better if you get through this without drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 108
Gottalife, Dee, eyes and MyLittleHorsie— thank you all for your responses and support. I am definitely trying to make sure I don’t turn this anger inwards or go down a self-destructive path (as has been my usual m.o). My daughter and I made a plan to do something really fun this morning. We went to our local farmer’s market and got some yummy, healthy food and just had a wonderful time together. We talked a little about the rape (it’s hard for me to use that word but I have to use it). She asked if I would tell her Dad (my ex-husband). And she thanked me for being so calm and supportive. I kept thinking about how much better I am handling this sober!!! First, no way could I have gotten up early enough this morning to even go to the farmer’s market with her. And then I was completely present. She told me I seem really different. At first I thought it was a sick joke that I was finding out about this so early in sobriety- now I see that there is NO WAY I could have handled it when I was using. Kind of a lightbulb moment for me.
My mom used to work for an organization that helps rape victims. So she has been very helpful to me. My daughter started gaining a lot of weight when she was 16 and now I know why. My mom was saying this is very normal. So much about her behavior makes sense now. This breaks my heart as I got angry with her about some of her behavior. But I cannot beat myself up about it because I didn’t know.
I am a licensed clinical social worker (mental health) but I simply cannot help myself through this. As such I am looking for support groups. I agree with you all that I need that.
Eyes- yes I could not help myself to search for this guy. Not sure what I thought I would find... But I felt like I had to see what he looked like. If we know people in common (we do), etc... I stopped immediately when I saw that this was unhealthy and unproductive. I am focused solely on my daughter, my sobriety and looking for help for myself.
I had had ZERO impulses to use. I am so grateful I am facing this sober. I would be highly ineffective any other way. Apparently the timing wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Thank you all so much for the support. Eyes- I am going to pm you if that is okay????
My mom used to work for an organization that helps rape victims. So she has been very helpful to me. My daughter started gaining a lot of weight when she was 16 and now I know why. My mom was saying this is very normal. So much about her behavior makes sense now. This breaks my heart as I got angry with her about some of her behavior. But I cannot beat myself up about it because I didn’t know.
I am a licensed clinical social worker (mental health) but I simply cannot help myself through this. As such I am looking for support groups. I agree with you all that I need that.
Eyes- yes I could not help myself to search for this guy. Not sure what I thought I would find... But I felt like I had to see what he looked like. If we know people in common (we do), etc... I stopped immediately when I saw that this was unhealthy and unproductive. I am focused solely on my daughter, my sobriety and looking for help for myself.
I had had ZERO impulses to use. I am so grateful I am facing this sober. I would be highly ineffective any other way. Apparently the timing wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Thank you all so much for the support. Eyes- I am going to pm you if that is okay????
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by PaigeMasters
Gottalife, Dee, eyes and MyLittleHorsie— thank you all for your responses and support. I am definitely trying to make sure I don’t turn this anger inwards or go down a self-destructive path (as has been my usual m.o). My daughter and I made a plan to do something really fun this morning. We went to our local farmer’s market and got some yummy, healthy food and just had a wonderful time together. We talked a little about the rape (it’s hard for me to use that word but I have to use it). She asked if I would tell her Dad (my ex-husband). And she thanked me for being so calm and supportive. I kept thinking about how much better I am handling this sober!!! First, no way could I have gotten up early enough this morning to even go to the farmer’s market with her. And then I was completely present. She told me I seem really different. At first I thought it was a sick joke that I was finding out about this so early in sobriety- now I see that there is NO WAY I could have handled it when I was using. Kind of a lightbulb moment for me.
My mom used to work for an organization that helps rape victims. So she has been very helpful to me. My daughter started gaining a lot of weight when she was 16 and now I know why. My mom was saying this is very normal. So much about her behavior makes sense now. This breaks my heart as I got angry with her about some of her behavior. But I cannot beat myself up about it because I didn’t know.
I am a licensed clinical social worker (mental health) but I simply cannot help myself through this. As such I am looking for support groups. I agree with you all that I need that.
Eyes- yes I could not help myself to search for this guy. Not sure what I thought I would find... But I felt like I had to see what he looked like. If we know people in common (we do), etc... I stopped immediately when I saw that this was unhealthy and unproductive. I am focused solely on my daughter, my sobriety and looking for help for myself.
I had had ZERO impulses to use. I am so grateful I am facing this sober. I would be highly ineffective any other way. Apparently the timing wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Thank you all so much for the support. Eyes- I am going to pm you if that is okay????
My mom used to work for an organization that helps rape victims. So she has been very helpful to me. My daughter started gaining a lot of weight when she was 16 and now I know why. My mom was saying this is very normal. So much about her behavior makes sense now. This breaks my heart as I got angry with her about some of her behavior. But I cannot beat myself up about it because I didn’t know.
I am a licensed clinical social worker (mental health) but I simply cannot help myself through this. As such I am looking for support groups. I agree with you all that I need that.
Eyes- yes I could not help myself to search for this guy. Not sure what I thought I would find... But I felt like I had to see what he looked like. If we know people in common (we do), etc... I stopped immediately when I saw that this was unhealthy and unproductive. I am focused solely on my daughter, my sobriety and looking for help for myself.
I had had ZERO impulses to use. I am so grateful I am facing this sober. I would be highly ineffective any other way. Apparently the timing wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Thank you all so much for the support. Eyes- I am going to pm you if that is okay????
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